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Anonymous
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I need some help with my daughter who has a problem with vanity. She has always been drawn to her idea of "pretty things" and has definite ideas about what she thinks is attractive and beautiful. The problem I am having is that most resources designed for helping a child understand internal beauty are usually from the perspective of a person who doesn't see their own value, not just from the perspective of someone who has trouble seeing the internal beauty of others. My daughter has a healthy self esteem, maybe a little too healthy. We are having lots of discussions about how external beauty fades!
I really don't like shallowness so just typing this out breaks my heart because it sounds so horrible to me. I am hoping it might just be a phase that some children naturally go through. She is a very artistic child and has always had a natural eye for beauty. I just need to find a way to help her learn to not place an inordinate amount of value on things she sees as beautiful.
Thank you in advance.
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Paula in MN
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I've noticed this happening with my dd10 lately. I think it is the age. She sounds a lot like your daughter, and is also very artistic. I keep counseling her on the inner beauty that people have, and how that will reflect on their outer beauty. I know it is working, because yesterday she talked about two teenagers we know, both of whom are quite attractive. She commented that the older one is not as pretty as she used to be, and she thinks it is because her actions (boyfriend, theft, makeup) have changed her inner beauty.
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 Paula
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stefoodie
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How old is she? It could be a phase. I might have suggestions depending on how old she is.
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stef
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Anonymous
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stefoodie wrote:
| How old is she? It could be a phase. I might have suggestions depending on how old she is. |
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She's 10 years old.
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Elena
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It sounds to me as if she is just trying to find her own "style." At 10 she is still very moldable. I think if I were you I wouldn't make this a point of dissension but maybe come along aside and help her look at what works, and what doesn't and why. Maybe you could shift her perspective a little to what is pretty but also practical and what is pretty and also frugal. Maybe even teach her to sew and craft her own items and even in terms of beauty but also graciousness. I think this could be a lot of fun!
...of course I'm coming from the perspective of an artistic 10-year-old daughter whom still has a bit too much Tom boy in her!! 
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Kathryn
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I always use little catch phrases:
Beauty is as beauty does.
You need to be as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside.
And of course, Judge Judy's famous quote:
Beauty fades, dumb is forever. Ok...I have never used that one but it is kind of funny to me. 
May be you could try talking about this in terms of gifts from God and how they should always be used for his glory...not our own.
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JodieLyn
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It's also a great time to start discussing modesty and chastity.. and how that should be reflected in our dress and ornamentation and manner.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Barbara C.
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I wanted to point out that for some this is a temperament issue. Some people are just naturally more form over function than others. My husband and my oldest daughter are that way.
I am totally function over form, so sometimes to me their opinions seem really shallow. So, I sometimes need to assess whether they are really being shallow (as in judging solely on visuals and ignoring all other aspects) or with all other things really being functionally equal just showing an appreciation for something more beautiful in their eyes.
Of course, we also address illusion (especially in this air-brushed world)and subjective beauty as well as compassion and respect to all no matter what their physical appearance.
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melanie
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This thread made me grin. 
My 13yo is very....oh, I wouldn't say vain...ok, she's kinda vain. Also very artisitic, so that's interesting to note. I don't know if she was born this way, but she's definitely been this way for a loooong time. I think part of it is that she *is* a very pretty child, and so she's been hearing that from everyone since day one.
I remember distinctly when she was 2 years old (very verbal child as well), someone said "Oh boy!" to her, and she scowled at them and said, "I'm NOT a boy, I'm a GIRL! See, I have blue eyes and beautiful hair!" 
I guess I don't worry about it as much as I used to, ... I wouldn't say she's shallow either. How she looks is a big deal to her, but she knows (and learns more all the time) that there are more important qualities to work on. I do worry about her picking a husband some day. I'm worried she will place way to much emphasis on looks and not enough on other qualities.
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Melanie
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amarytbc
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She's probably not vain, but just visual and observant. I've noticed that people that are highly visual are more inclined to have that struggle than those who aren't. Our college age dd first showed signs of this when she was just 3 and wanted the lacey bobby socks in the store instead of the plain ones I normally bought because "ugey people" wear the plain ones. One day, around age 6, she and her younger sister were admiring themselves in the full length mirror and knocked it off the wall. It shattered and I saw that as one way to make constant primping more difficult. We didn't replace it for 10 years. I won't even think about all of the times I probably went to Mass with a crocked hem or a smudge on the back of my clothes because I didn't have a full length mirror. In her teens she would talk to me about how anything slightly off visually would drive her crazy. This explained a lot of her behavior and definitely relates to the vanity problem. If the tiles in a room were not straight or someone's scarf was slightly off color she couldn't take her eyes off it and would even talk about it later. This type of problem with things that weren't "right" or not beautiful hasn't gone away, but she's learned to deal with it. I think you're doing all of the right things and Kathryn's quotes are excellent. As young adults, I've heard my older children repeat these types of sayings from their childhood to the younger kids. Your example will have the greatest impact  You're doing a good job It's obvious to me now that my daughter isn't vain despite a slightly more critical nature about how things look, and I suspect you'll find the same thing is true as your dd matures and is able to evaluate her thinking on a deeper level. Ten is still young for that kind of critical self-evaluation.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Helping a child fight vanity
