| Author | |
*Lindsey*
Forum Pro
Joined: May 22 2009
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 496
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 8:52am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
I am feeling overwhelmed lately. Our oldest (DS) will be 6 in November. We have a 4 year old DD, twin dds who will be 2 next month, and a 5 month old DD.
We "have our hands full" (as we hear froms strangers all.the.time.) We have been open to life (we did use NFP between DS and DD, and between DD and the twins). We had a miscarriage before we conceived the twins and decided after that to stop using NFP and be completely open to children. We were using NFP to abstain for what I believe were selfish reasons, not serious reasons. My cycles always come back early, even with exclusively breastfeeding. I get it back at 3 months postpartum nursing a singleton and got it back at 8 months postpartum nursing the twins.
We are trying to discern what constitutes serious reasons to avoid pregnancy. We are really struggling with what to do and have been praying. Does feeling overwhelmed every so often? Does only having one bedroom for the kids? (We are in the middle of finishing additions on the house to help with this problem.)
The twins aren't very verbal yet and that makes life very difficult. Much screaming, kwim? And that is a worry for me, too, as my olders were very verbal at almost 2 years old.
My Catholic family/friends here are on opposite ends of the spectrum. My sister-in-law does not use NFP and has had 7 kids in 8.5 years. My friends from church use NFP to space children for lack of bedrooms and such.
I could use some tips/tricks from moms who have had many children with such close age spacing, too.
__________________
Lindsey
Mama to DS (11), DD(9), twin dds(7), DD (5), DS (4), DS (3), and 5 angels in heaven.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mackfam
Board Moderator
Non Nobis
Joined: April 24 2006
Location: Alabama
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 14656
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 9:11am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lindsey,
I'm praying for you and your husband. These issues are indeed very difficult to discern.
*Lindsey* wrote:
| We are trying to discern what constitutes serious reasons to avoid pregnancy. |
|
|
Lindsey,
Thank you for understanding that this is a prudential decision that can only be made by you and your husband through prayer seeking God's will for your individual family and with the guidance of Holy Mother Church.
This is also a hot button issue here - one in which many strong feelings may surface from members/situations that can't know the specifics of your family. In these situations, good spiritual direction from a trusted and holy priest can be invaluable. My husband and I did this many years ago and it was a grace filled time.
*Lindsey* wrote:
| I could use some tips/tricks from moms who have had many children with such close age spacing, too. |
|
|
This we can definitely help with!!!
I'm going to move your post to Mothering so that others there will be able to join in and offer some practical help. Many prayers for you as you discern. You do indeed face some challenges with a large family closely spaced. Let's brainstorm! You're definitely not the only mom here facing that challenge, so you're in the right place! 
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 10:02am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Lindsey - Definitely prayers for discernment. One of the beautiful things about NFP is it is never permanent! I would love to offer some practical advise and personal experience.
My husband and I have a hard time discerning ourselves. We have overall abandoned NFP, but it does pop into our conversations and prayers from time to time. We have had 10 children in 14 years. My cycles come back very very early also, even with tandem nursing. I am personally very committed to natural mothering, gentle as possible discipline, and attachment parenting. Maneuvering this type of parenting and closely spaced children has been one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced.
Our household is very very loud. The littles scream way more often than I'd like. I have learned that my quiet tone of voice in return helps bump things down a notch.
You have all littles right now too. I cannot tell you how things will lighten up when you have bigger children who are happy to bounce a baby on their knee while reading a book, or enjoy having a toddler follow them around while they complete their chores. I really think it is good for their (the older childs) feelings of self worth. My two year old son and 14 year old son have a very special relationship. Mark adores Nick - like he hung the moon or something. And Nick is super attentive and protective of Mark.
What specific things are you feeling that you need to address? It is a crying shame that this lifestyle is so foreign to us as women, isn't it?
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 10:25am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I have to agree with Lisa.
Lindsey, you are at the hardest point with many littles. You have ONE child that's old enough to be more self-directed. People look at me like I must be nuts when I tell them that it's easier to take 8 kids to Mass than it was to take only 4-5.
While I don't have twins, my oldest was only 5.75yrs when #5 was born.
But seriously, I call it the teeter totter effect. When only one child is old enough to behave independently, they get sucked back down into the general chaos. And that's where you are now. But once that second child gets old enough those two will reinforce each other and can stand against the crowd. AND THEN the littles wanting to be like their bigger siblings start to copy them. In two years you will likely see such a huge difference from where you are now.
I will also pray for your discernment and again echoing Lisa.. remember you don't have to decide how long you need to use NFP, you can decide only one month at a time. And be sure you read the actual documents rather than just "guessing", physical and mental reasons are listed though precise degrees are not, and being overwhelmed can - though not necessarily - be both.
As far as kids being verbal, it happens at different ages and I seem to remember that twins tend to be later?
Have you considered teaching sign language just for those few things that come up most. That could help quiet things down by allowing them to communicate more effectively BUT it's simply noisy when you get many kids together. I've been known to slip outside just to give my ears a break, take deep breaths and stay entirely in the moment so that I got as much good from my very few minutes as possible 
oh and yeah.. that "you have your hands full" is the favorite comment I think about so many littles. Believe me it's not worth it to fight it.. just learn that it's like water off a duck's back, smile say yep and go on with life. 
Is there something in particular you could use ideas on when dealing with all the littles?
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
*Lindsey*
Forum Pro
Joined: May 22 2009
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 496
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 12:31pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I am thinking on them and praying.
I guess I need tips on balancing it all. I just feel like I can't keep my head above water some days. The housework stresses me out,mostly. I don't like having a messy house (was raised with a mom with slight ocd issues when it comes to keeping the house clean) and I honestly get grouchy when the house is a mess! DH tells me that our house wouldn't be a mess if we didn't have the blessing of children and I try to keep that in mind. Maybe I need to figure out a way to simplify things until I can get consistent help from the olders?
__________________
Lindsey
Mama to DS (11), DD(9), twin dds(7), DD (5), DS (4), DS (3), and 5 angels in heaven.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 12:45pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
oh yes, simplify, declutter, pack things up if you don't want to get rid of them.. less is more 
I find it often works to have out fewer types of toys so that they're easier to get put away rather than many. The kids play together and they really don't need much.
I was just thinking about putting away the duplo legos and getting out the wooden blocks for a while.
Also figuring out where you can cut without it stressing you.. And it's normal that no sooner do you get a room clean than EVERYONE moves into that room to use the space and so make a mess in there.
A quiet time even if the kids don't nap can help too. I've never been able to do it because I just can't get into a consistent routine.. but having all the kids lay down and do something quiet on their beds can be a way to get a bit of time in the middle of the day to "breathe".
And maybe having set times that you know the house will be picked up.. before meals? before daddy gets home? before bed? things like that.. then you aren't as stressed in between those times because you know the time will come for picking up.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 12:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
*Lindsey* wrote:
| I honestly get grouchy when the house is a mess! |
|
|
Your work is very hard and purposeful, Lindsey! One thing that saved my sanity in my early years of mothering was carving out a corner of my bedroom as my "quiet neat space." I was living in a single wide trailer and I managed to stick a folding chair, draped with pretty material, in a corner squeezed between a wall and the back of a dresser (the dresser wasn't flush and acted as a wall - it was stablized from tipping - don't remember how.) On top of the dresser I had a few pretty things; scented candle, rosary, pictures, etc. on the wall I hung a few small pictures and inspirational quotes. It was impossible to get messy - I just tidied the slip cover and would remove anyting placed on the chair. I would go there and hide...I mean regroup  . Eventually, my "quet neat space" grew as the children grew and my home became more neat and orderly (although we still have to work at it.) I dread the day when my whole home is a quiet neat space .
God bless you, dear, and your beautiful family.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Martha
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 25 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2291
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 2:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I can agree with everything Lisbet wrote.
We have very similiar in age babies and return of fertily as you do.
*Lindsey* wrote:
I guess I need tips on balancing it all. |
|
|
I want to quietly offer for consideration that you stop trying to "balance". I'd go nuts doing that. I have to list priorities. And they change daily sometimes. But "balance" implies you can have all these plates spinning just so in the air all at the same time, and really I don't think many women can, much less mother's with 5 screaming littles tripping her up around the ankles.
Quote:
| I just feel like I can't keep my head above water some days. The housework stresses me out,mostly. I don't like having a messy house (was raised with a mom with slight ocd issues when it comes to keeping the house clean) and I honestly get grouchy when the house is a mess! |
|
|
first - don't beat yourself up over it. there's LOTS of women who struggle with this who don't even have kids.
second - I'm the same way! living in a teeny space with lots of people is made a tremendously easier when you can function easier. those little things, like knowing this it there and that is there can do wonders for making a day go smoother.
third -
Quote:
| I need to figure out a way to simplify things until I can get consistent help from the olders? |
|
|
YES! What's your top housekeeping issue? Work on that. Do it right before bed, or first thing in the morning. Or have dh do it. Whatever works, but focus on what would be easiest to make that one thing happen.
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
asplendidtime
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 14 2005
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 744
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 3:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
One thing I learned was that feeling overwhelmed happens.. Sometimes everyday. I look at it as a season, so when I am feeling very overwhelmed, I remind myself that nap isn't that far off, or the day will eventually end, dh will turn into the driveway (in how many minutes? ) But in every life there are seasons, I have just come to look at each day that way, wintertimes, spring, summer and fall. (Have you read Seasons of a Mother's Heart by Sally Clarkson? It's a wonderful book)
I started learning to pace myself, do things in fragments of time because many fragments eventually add up to a block of time.  And my dc seem to do well with routines instead of me trying to force us all into a timed schedule.
Savour the sweet moments and try to recall them to myself later, and not dwell on the stress.
Do productive things to handle stress, take mini-moments to myself, even if it means just a minute to de-pressurise and breathe in the bathroom (I let the toddler come along too). I take regular breaks to read a few minutes, work on a hobby, make sure my hair is brushed, teeth, bed made. I make these things priorities because it makes me feel good. It just helps. I also try to dress nicely everyday, and put on a bit of perfume. Do little things like that which will lift your mood a bit.
I also save brain time by making meal lists/menus, bulk cook (beans, meats etc...) so the everyday of meal prep is already handled.
Now clothes, that's my sore place right now...  I am working on it though, we need to come to a better understanding all of us.
Oh, and my house is noisy also. Working on that too.
__________________
Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
Katie 16,
Mary 14,
Tim 13,
Jonah 12,
Josh 10,
Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
Laura-Mae 4,
Emily-Joy 2,
Genevieve & Gabriella 1
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
DominaCaeli
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3711
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 5:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
asplendidtime wrote:
| One thing I learned was that feeling overwhelmed happens.. Sometimes everyday. |
|
|
I'm only a mom of three (#4 is on the way!), so I hardly feel qualified to chime in here, but my oldest will be only 3.5 when this newest one arrives, so I'm a mom of only littles like you, Lindsey. I really liked your point here, Rebecca--as I think about it, almost everyone gets overwhelmed by something. The mom of all high schoolers gets overwhelmed by the college admissions process; the woman without children might feel the pressure of entertaining often or bringing in an income. When I was newly married teaching and in grad school, I was constantly overwhelmed by papers due, student conferences, and the like. The stressors change, and certainly, some have it harder than others, but I think feeling overwhelmed happens to us all--just more often for some than others. If I'm going to be overwhelmed anyways (it is in my nature--I admit I am easily so), I'd glad that it is by sweet little ones and a busy home to run. I may not feel that way at the most stressful moments of the day , but the moment of being overwhelmed eventually passes (thank God!).
I can definitely relate to your being grouchy over messes--I am like that too. Being a very visual person, I can barely function if my home is messy. Clutter bothers me more than anything, so I try to have a couple quick tidies a day, planned around mealtimes/bedtimes. I also do one deep clean a week during a time my husband is home and I can work without the kids' interruptions (early morning on Friday, before hubby goes to work). Just knowing these cleaning times are planned into my day/week and that I'll have the house clean for at least a few peaceful moments makes me feel so much better.
__________________
Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
DominaCaeli
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3711
|
| Posted: Sept 29 2009 at 5:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh, and I wanted to add that I have the same questions and feelings that you do, Lindsey, so I definitely sympathize.
__________________
Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Stacy Y
Forum Newbie
Joined: April 24 2009
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 31
|
| Posted: Oct 06 2009 at 11:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
No advice, just lots of prayers and hugs. I'm in the same boat as you are... A 6yo, 5yo, 3yo, 2yo, 8 month old. We discerned after #5 that we should use NFP for a while so I could catch my breath, but God had other plans. I am now 15 wks pregnant with #6 on bedrest. Yikes! The great thing about NFP is that if you improperly discern what is right or wrong, God can always intervene where He sees fit. Blessings to you! Stacy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Struggling with kids
