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LLMom
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| Posted: Jan 10 2006 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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I have what I think might be an unusual problem, from talking with others with teens the same age as mine. My oldest is 15 1/2. She has always hs. She is very different than most kids her age. She is very lonely because of it. She always wears dresses or skirts, she doesn't listen to rock music (she loves Celtic, classical and movie soundtracks such as LOTR), she doesn't watch many movies and no TV. She chooses to do all of this on her own, although the rest of us do or don't do these things as well. She doesn't want to change but for some reason, she feels like she doesn't fit since she can't find any friends who have similar beliefs. She has friends who like the things she does but doesn't feel very close to them because they aren't Catholic or watch stuff she finds objectionable so that seems to get in the way of being good friends. Have any of you ever had a hs teen that had trouble meeting friends? Another problem is we live in a rural area with very few hs teens. Plenty of little kids but no olders.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
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Courtney
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I have no teens yet, but has she checked out the teen forum on this board? I would think she could find some like-minded friends here.
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Courtney in Texas
Wife to Mike since 3/94 
Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Chari
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I do not have time to address this at this moment......but this daughter of yours is NOT alone!!!!!!
I have three daughters....only one a teen...(that changes next month! ack!)....same situation, almost exactly...since mine do love good and SAFE movies! Lotsa classics, here!
and, Willa has one just exactly the same.....oh, she likes good movies, too!
I read this to my oldest, who is just over 17yrs........and she would love to correspond with your daughter.
My daughter, Anne, has no local friends........one she sees about twice a year  .....but has "surrounded" herself with a few other always-been-homeschooled-Catholic girls.........Willa's daughter is one........and a few others of lurkers on CCM
Do you want to PM me and share your address? My daughter would love to encourage yours.....her name? where you live?
......my nieces were the same, three of them.......and told me they grew up lonely, too.............but having got my oldest a few friends from CCM moms......has been what kept her going. She knows she is not alone in the world...........even if she IS alone in Mount Shasta.
it is very hard to do God's will sometimes........and still belong to the world! We do not want to "fit in" if it would mean lowering our standards below God's expectations for us. I am very proud of your daughter..........she has done a hard thing at a young age. I will pray for her perseverance. I will pray God can fill her lonliness.
And, I am proud of you, too, Lisa! It is hard to raise such a Godly young lady in these times! I always say when people compliment me on Anne: God did a great job raising her in spite of her parents! 
I am actually in a similar plight myself........but CCM has brought me many friends.........I may not see them very much.......but we can use the phone occasionally, and that is really very nice.....better than nothing!!
well.....I guess I DID actually address it!
and now......we are late for lunch!
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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jackiemomof7
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My 17 year old dd is the same. She doesn't listen to much music or watch tv at all. She does watch some movies (LOTR!)She spends most of her time reading. She feels called to a vocation, but I wonder if it is because she has been so lonely that she is following this road. Don't get me wrong, I hope it is her true calling, but knowing she hasn't been around many others I just wonder. She does write several friends, but that just isn't the same as friends you can actual sit and visit with every now and then. I have worried about this for her many years now. We too live in a very small town with no other homeschoolers. So it has been a lonely time for her. And sometimes I beat myself up weather it has been fair or not. Guess I haven't helped with your problem, just know she is not the only one going thru this.
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Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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guitarnan
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Gee, I wish she were a bit younger...she sounds like a good pal for my ds, but he's only 13 and 11/12. And we're about as rural as you can get. It wouldn't matter, though. Ds is very particular (you should hear him go on about tattoos, body piercings and pop music...I expect that if he ever marries it will be to a very "natural" young lady). He admits to being lonely here, but has no interest in compromising on values or interests to make friends.
I suppose I have only encouragement, not advice, to offer...our persistent, particular children will make wonderful adult citizens. They won't break the law or allow colleagues to get away with unsavory activities. They will see a project through to the end. They will know when they meet a true friend and remain loyal to that friend (ds is already like this!).
I'll keep your daughter in my prayers. I completely understand her desire to live up to her own standards. She'll find friends in time...I think online connections to other Catholic teens might help (it helps me, and I'm an isolated Catholic homeschooling writer musician mom who lives in Nowhere and can't make friends here because my dh is in charge of our entire Navy base!). Connections, even electronic ones, help us feel as though we're not fish out of water...we're just in a different pond.
Hugs!
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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folklaur
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Hi,
My dd 16 is the same. She doesn't really watch tv ( except for the Food Channel, and that is because she wants to be a pastry chef), she watches very few movies (LOTR too ), she often dresses in skirts, etc. Her favorite music is Celtic too, or movie soundtracks that are mostly instrumental ( well, she does listen to some of the Catholic "rock" stuff, like Tom Booth, but only sometimes). She is very artistic, likes to draw anime, and teach herself musical instruments.
Even with a fairly large Catholic Homeschool group, she has very few close friends. There are a few girls she would like to get to know better, I think, but she doesn't get to see them often.
I am sure she would love to correspond with your daughter!
~Laura in AZ
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teachingmyown
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I believe Sally Clarkson addressed this in one of her books or perhaps in her monthly newsletter. Her daughter, the oldest of four, went through a time of great loneliness that I think even bordered on depression. I can't remember much of what Sally said (I wasn't there yet  ) but perhaps if you check out wholeheart.org, you might find some more encouragement and advice.
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Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Willa
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My teens have been quite lonely at times because they are a bit different from the kids who live in our area. Chari is right, you could almost be describing my daughter, also 15. She makes her own skirts and dresses, watches no TV (except Notre Dame football games and the Olympics and that kind of thing) and spends a lot of time on folk music and musicals. She does like to watch some movies. We live in a rural area too. Your daughter is not alone.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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LLMom
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Its nice to know she is not alone. That has not been our experience at all. You can't pick out the homeschooled teens around here at all. They are just like the ps kids as far as dress/style, music, movies, boys (rec. dating), etc. In other words, into the pop culture.
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Lisa
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humanaevitae
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I do not have time to organize my thoughts so I'll just ramble!
Although I was not homeschooled, I often felt lonely and isolated in our small rural highschool. My standards and religious beliefs were very different from other peers. Despite my loneliness I wasn't willing to compromise my standards. I was both respected and hated by my peers. I truly didn't think I would ever marry as I hadn't really met a boy yet that I even respected! The only thing that got me through that time was knowing that my standards were right on and that God had a plan for me.
While in college I met a man who had values although we were of course opposites in other areas! Yes- to the dismay of my parents I married the only man I had ever "dated"! To this day, I still have not experienced a close friendship with another woman. However I enjoy other friendships who provide support,etc.. in the different areas of my life (soccer mom, choir member, home educator, mother of a baby,etc..)
One lesson I have learned is that I'm not going to find a "bosum buddy" that has my same values and all my same interests and personality style. If I did, she would probably have all my flaws too and I probably wouldn't like her! I would encourage your daughter to look for friends with similar ideals/values but allow for different interests. She doesn't need to find the perfect friend to validate who she is. As your daughter gains more confidence in herself and continues to figure out who she is, she will not feel as lonely. I think it is important to remember that we should all feel a little lonely as God is the only one who can be our perfect friend.
It is difficult to grow up in a rural area sometimes but time will come when she will move out to a bigger area. Until then I agree that online frienships may be helpful or even reading about other like-minded teens. She is in my prayers tonight.
Nicole
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stefoodie
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well, my daughter is a bit more into pop culture than yours is (exposure through karate friends who are all PS kids, plus 2 uncles to whom she's very close) -- but she's very much into the same things your dd and other dds here are: Celtic and classical music, LOTR, sewing her own dresses and skirts.... and she's had the "alone" feeling lots of times because the HS kids we knew in a small town in PA (we're in the middle of a move right now, back to Cincinnati) were all younger than her, and the few kids her age that we met weren't Catholic (except for Angie's Devin) so she couldn't relate much to them.
Is she maybe interested in some classes, like art or crafts? Or are there maybe opportunities for volunteering, like at church? My dd cantors and sings in the choir so she's met some good Catholic friends that way -- and she was pleasantly surprised that the choir members, older kids mostly, are VERY nice to her, something that may be a rarity had they met in a public school setting.
I second the suggestion to join the teen forum.... and other online friendships, though of course you'll need to be careful about monitoring online time and who she communicates with. Are there cousins she could chat with? My dd also chats with my cousins and her second cousins who are in other states/countries.
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momwise
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stefoodie wrote:
| well, my daughter is a bit more into pop culture than yours is (exposure through karate friends who are all PS kids, plus 2 uncles to whom she's very close). |
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This is our situation also, although not the karate, but other interests that have led dc to some exposure to secular interests but my dd has always been a little lonely for friends, especially being surrounded by brother on both sides. We went through many years when there was not one girl nearby with whom she could be friends.
Our solution was to have lots of solid Catholic penpals, and to discuss frequently God's plan for her and how He was in control. If He wanted (wants) her to have certain graces or virtues that will serve Him in the future, it will be necessary for her to cooperate with His ways. (I went through the same sort of thing at the same time because I had a strong conversion and dh is not Catholic, so I sought consolation through trying too much socialization with Catholic women).
We also eventually joined a girls' Challenge Club (Regnum Christi) which although short lived, was a very great blessing not only because she was with other Catholic girls her age but because of the example of the older girls who were counselers. This led to opportunities to go to excellent summer camps where dd has met most of her close friends (they are still penpals since they live out of or across the state).
Even now after making 2 close friends among homeschoolers, we are going through problems because of these friends going to public schools. My dd sees very clearly the subtle changes that take place almost immediately and she really mourns for this. Having a baby sister has been a huge blessing for her in the past 1 1/2 years.
I just recommend turning to God over and over and using this time to strengthen dd's relationship with Him and find those good Catholic penpals.
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Gwen...wife for 30 years, mom of 7, grandma of 3.....
"If you want equal justice for all and true freedom and lasting peace, then America, defend life." JPII
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ALmom
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I think a certain amount of lonliness, insecurity, angst (whatever you call it) is normal for most teens (homeschooled or not). It helps to remember that as you go through it yourself and especially if you or dc start second quessing homeschooling.
Yes, we too have experienced quite a bit of lonliness (our dd is 18 now)over the years. We are not in a rural area but in suburbia. There is a certain amount of cliquishness in the teen years that unfortunately spills into many aspects of life. So even at the church, our dd never felt welcome (probably because there wasn't a lot that we felt prudent for her to participate in as far as teen activities). We were different (but not out to try and be different - just trying to live a certain way) but it helped when our dd found out that another girl who went to a different ps also felt excluded (99% in our parish went to 1 ps).
We spent a lot of time discussing her needs - what would help. She needed more interaction with groups of people but not in an environment that challenged our values continually. She wanted opportunities to meet a wider variety of people. We talked about how some of what she felt she was missing was that bonding that occurs when working together to accomplish a goal. Orchestra became her thing. She still doesn't have any really close friends - but she pours a lot of energy into music and has learned that she really can get along in a group (it built her confidence in her own social skills).
Our 2nd dd is 14 and has not yet expressed any real lonliness - but it doesn't mean it isn't there. She is just quieter and more introspective. She doesn't have the same needs as her sister to be in a crowd of people and she is much less pulled by a need to "belong". Right now she is blessed by 1 girl who shares her interest in books and projects and they converse on the phone, e-mail and very occassionally get together. I will make the effort to drive so she does have opportunities to interract with this lovely Catholic girl. It is a 45 minute drive.
I was also a very lonely teen. I came home from school and cried everyday during high school from 10th grade on. (I went to a ps) I was different - we had lived overseas, moved when I was in 10th grade, never seen TV (it wasn't available where I lived from 3rd - 9th grade), didn't know the first thing about football (which was the big thing at my ps), wasn't a part of the high society crowd who were the movers and shakers at the hs, refused to join a sorority (very big at our hs) because I thought it stupid to come to school dressed in Pjs and had a sense of my own dignity (turned out that sororities were the only avenue for friendships, service, etc. through the ps) and my dad was unemployed so there were things I simply could not afford. There really wasn't anything anybody could do to change the reality - it wasn't my fault that I was lonely and I believe I made the right choices - but sometimes I needed someone to just listen to my pain without trying to "fix" it.
When my sister had a son that experienced the same type thing, I reminded her of my need to just be heard - that it made things worse when someone tried to "fix it". This helped her. The funny thing was that when my own dd went through this, my sister had to remind me of what I had told her. We so want our dc to be spared the pain and suffering we see that it is very hard not to come up with solutions even when solutions don't always exist.
I've rambled a bit. It is helpful to know you are not alone, it does make sense to do what is truely possible to alleviate or provide for needs, but at some point sometimes we just need to be the good listener to help our dc carry the cross that they have been chosen to carry. I hope this helps.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: lonely teen
