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12stars
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| Posted: June 23 2009 at 4:24pm | IP Logged
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The title sums up what we are dealing with here at home. Lately I have wondered what I am doing wrong and how I can fix this. My 3 year old ds can be so sweet and loving as long as he is content and things are going his way.
Otherwise if things are not agreeable to him, which is most of the time he cries and cries and cries LOUD  or he screams. Sometimes I can take it take it and try my hardest to avert his attention away from the situation other times I just get upset and I don't like who I become.
I am at my wits end with his behaivior and sometimes I am embarrased when we visit relatives because I can tell they  get bothered with him as well.
He is so strong willed.
Anyone go through the same thing and do they grow out of it?
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Claudia in Southern California
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Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
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Taffy
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| Posted: June 23 2009 at 5:26pm | IP Logged
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The first thing I thought of when I read this was "food allergy". It's one of those things that I always thought was an old wives' tale until I became an old wife  but the foods we eat really do affect our moods and behaviour.
Does your son eat a lot of processed foods (processed outside of home that is)? Does he crave a lot of a certain type of food like dairy. Often, dairy or gluten is the cause of a lot of problems.
My oldest needs to stay away from certain foods for this very reason. He does best on a whole foods, pure diet with little to no additives (think things like artificial colours, flavourings and preservatives). He also needs to stay away from gluten and soy. It's a pain in the neck to keep him on this kind of diet but very worth it.
The other thing I thought of is to really give a lot of positive reinforcement for those times when he bends easily and doesn't get upset. When he does lose his temper, there should be a consequence that he doesn't like and is consistent. For my children, it's a brief time out in the laundry room until they can act like a "big boy". It's important to not lose your temper (believe me, I know this can be hard) and to be consistent (also hard).
Anyway, I'm sure that wiser women will offer you some assistance. I know how tough it can be to parent kids like this as I have a couple myself. 
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Susan
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: June 24 2009 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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oh, how I wish I had great, fool-proof advice for you! the best I can offer is virtual hugs of support and prayers for patience ... and the assurance that yes, this too shall pass. with God's help you will all survive with your sanity intact and he will grow up into a wonderful, strong-willed man.
have you read Dr. Dobson's "Strong Willed Child" yet? I haven't read the new version, but the original helped us a lot. that's probably my best advice. that, and lots of prayer.
FWIW, 3 is an especially tough age (which you probably know already ...) my strong-willed son really pushed the limits of our patience during that age ... but we all survived. I found that reciting "Hail Mary's" (even through clenched teeth) helped me keep my cool while trying to keep him from hurting himself or anyone else during those oh-so-pleasant screaming tantrums.
so hang in there and stay strong. and don't beat yourself up for the times you aren't. oh, and DON'T WORRY about anyone else's opinions ... or try not to, anyway. I know that's easier said than done, and I still cringe at some of the behavior our friends and family members raised their eyebrows at. but no one else is parenting that child but you. so don't let that get under your skin. you have your hands full enough as it is.
just remember: this, too, shall pass. and the rewards shall be worth it! 
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 Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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Sarah M
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| Posted: June 24 2009 at 5:48pm | IP Logged
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My 3yo son sounds exactly like yours. I'm sending you big and listening with both ears, here.
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12stars
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| Posted: June 24 2009 at 6:22pm | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies
I wonder about the whole foods thing, he does love milk and cheese. I also try really hard to to limit processed foods.
I had thought about looking into the Strong Willed Child by Dobson but I looked at the reviews and got scared.
I will be honest I have spanked my dc on occasions, but I don't like it and I always feel like I have to undo what I did. There is no excuse for it I am just being honest and open. I didn't want a book to re enforce this about me and how I handle situations. I am just at my wits end with my ds sometimes.
The screaming and crying is borderline making me depressed, that I don't know how to diffuse his temper, in a more gentle and loving way. When he is in time out, I walk away and feel like such a failure. This has affected my husband as well, he feels exasperated. He won't even consider another baby till we get this little one under control or if at all we will be able to and it just creates a cycle of questioning myself am I doing the right thing, handling things correctly, praying enough on and on.
Sorry for dumping my feelings, my dear husband is such a great father and he wonders as well,  .
Thanks for all the hugs
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Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
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JodieLyn
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I don't have any real advice for your son.. my children are strongwilled but in a different way.. for instance my 2 yr old did not want to get dressed yesterday morning.. I'd put on her dress (a little pull over sundress that she picked out) and she'd take it off and grin at me.. after the second try I just set it aside until we were ready to leave the house.. then once she saw everyone leaving she wanted it on. But we were just going to swim team so I knew once we got there and she couldn't get out of the van without being dressed she would put it on to be able to get out and play. But that's how I dealt with it.. it would have gone into a screaming match and full out battle of wills if I'd tried to force it.. but they assert themselves without the crying and tantrums for the most part.
BUT for the "other people", take a page from theatre/stage if you forget your line, fake it and no one in the audience will ever know.. if you pretend everything is going fine and that you're in control.. they'll assume that you are in control and dealing with the child.. strangers (family/friends) usually express their opinion when you look lost and like you don't think you're doing the right thing. Confidence (even if it's only on the outside) will make a world of difference in how others treat you.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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KauaiCatholic
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| Posted: June 24 2009 at 7:15pm | IP Logged
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12stars wrote:
| I had thought about looking into the Strong Willed Child by Dobson but I looked at the reviews and got scared. |
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wow!! me too!! what the heck ... my memory must be fading because I don't remember that book advocating violence as much as some of those reviewers do. yikes ... maybe I'm remembering "Dare to Discipline" instead? or maybe I am just going off advice from other people who read that book and told us about it? dang ... I am so sorry to lead you astray!!
because we are not spankers, FWIW. only as a last resort in dire cases of blatant disobedience with dangerous consequences (deliberately running into the road when angry is the terrifying example that comes to mind.)
what I THOUGHT I remembered from Dobson was the idea that as the adult you need to stay in control, loving yet firm, even when that is unpleasant. and that some children need to test their will against yours more than others, and that it's important to not relinquish control of the family, as it were.
for us, the most negative example of our DS's strong will was tantrums that sometimes erupted when we were not letting his will supersede ours. in his toddler years, that meant "containing" him when his temper raged beyond his control. I was guessing you might be dealing with tantrums so that was what I was referring to; sorry if I alarmed anyone.
now I need to go research Dobson some more before I go shooting my mouth off ... sorry again!
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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guitarnan
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How happy I am to recommend Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Strong-willed kids are often children with sensitivity issues as well as persistence. This book completely changed my life. It made me a better parent and stronger advocate for my children. Even if you read it and decide your child isn't "spirited" (as in MORE of so many things...persistence, sensitivity, etc.), you'll gain a greater understanding of your child, yoursef and the relationship between you.
(The extrovert/introvert thing plays into this, too...she addresses this so well...completely changed my way of dealing with everyone in my family when they were down or stressed...gave me words to use when I needed alone time...what a life-saver!)
One of the best parts of this book is the huge list of positive words to use to describe your child's temperament and behavior. How amazed your relatives will be when you describe him as "persistent" instead of "stubborn," and "willing to stick with a job to the end" instead of "impossible." Many of the traits we want to see in adults, particularly persistence, are just hard to handle when those not-yet-adults are children. I knew when my son was 4 that no one would ever, ever be able to talk him into using drugs. He's that persisent, and always was. What a gift!
Learning to describe his temperament in positive terms turned both our lives around. No, they don't grow out of it, but you CAN give him words to describe his feelings, techniques to handle his strong emotions, steps to help him make transitions from one activity to another...really. And...those positive words will bring YOU so much joy - what a wonderful thing, to know your child is strong enough to stick with his faith, to be a leader, to follow rules when no one else will.
(My son is 17. Still persistent. Still strong-willed. Do I worry about drugs, gangs, etc.? Not much. He has the courage to say no. He was born with it.)
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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KauaiCatholic
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thank you, Nancy!!
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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Taffy
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| Posted: June 24 2009 at 8:54pm | IP Logged
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As I thought, wiser women than I have given you some good advice.
I would try removing dairy from your son's diet for about a week and see if there's a difference. With dairy, the difference should be readily seen within a couple of days.
Good luck!
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Susan
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LeeAnn
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For my 3yo son I have found two things that contributed to cranky (devolving into out of control) behavior: gluten and sinus infection. Well, there's also that he's the only boy in the house and has little experience in sharing toys...making visits to others' homes sometimes unpleasant.  We've been gluten-free for over a year, but I do notice it if he's accidentally eaten a lot of it. My 11yo daughter has a the same problem. Out-of-the-blue temper tantrums and destructive behavior.
But the sinus thing is new--he was kicking and hitting people, miserable, tired, hardly eating, but didn't really look or seem sick until he got a fever and then a mild runny nose and little cough...etc. His head was probably hurting him--I know I get miserable when I have sinus issues.
On the other hand, my 6yo daughter, when she was 2 to 3.5, was just hard to be around. Always kicking, hitting, biting, defiant, etc. Fortunately she grew out of it before the gypsies came to town!  She still is VERY strong-willed. Getting her 5yo vaccines was not fun for anybody. But she is mellowing out lots. Something about turning 3.5 changed her.
Hang in there!
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12stars
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| Posted: June 25 2009 at 2:07am | IP Logged
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I really appreciate all the input.
I don't feel alone  .
Viviane that was the first book that came to mind a few months ago as well. It is not your fault and please do not apologize at all. Thank you so much for your input.
I will look into raising your spirited child.
He seems to be more sensitive, more than my other children. He also had a bit of speech delay and we had therapist coming to give him speech therapy. He was just a lot slower at a lot of things like crawling and walking as well.
At the ending of it when he was turning 3 in April it was like something clicked in his brain and started talking and saying everything.
I need to be more attentive to him that I know.
Fwiw my ds is a sweetheart and I am so thankful that God has entrusted me this particular son. He isn't defiant and is very curteous with others.
It is just the latter as I stated above. I will start praying more and offer it up that much more.
I also wanted to add that our Deacon and his wonderful wife had 8 children and she has said that for some reason many 3.5 year olds mellow out, and they have a mental growth spurt. Oh I hope so, I intend to put him in Catechism of The Good Shepherd with her, and I am hoping he will be fully potty trained by then, as of now he wants nothing to do with the potty at all
 . She says it will happen, sometimes I wonder about this as well.
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Claudia in Southern California
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Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
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anitamarie
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I have an extremely strong-willed son. He is now 11. One example his grandma still talks about: We had walked to Mass one Sunday when he was about 2 1/2. When we came out, my husband opened the stroller at the top of the stairs and put my son in. Then he realized what he had done and took my son out. He then walked down the stairs with the stroller and I carried now screaming child down the stairs. He would not get in the stroller. Kicked, screamed, hit, arched the back, the whole nine yards. My dh carried him all the way home (1/2 mi.) like that. We put him in his room. He had a tantrum that lasted another hour and a half. When he calmed down and came out, the first person he saw was Grandma. He said "Grandma will you take me back to church and take me down the stairs in the stroller?". This was 2 hours after the event started. He does not give up. However, he has gotten better. I think he was having fits till a later age than most kids.
One thing for him was that he had an incredible anxiety issue. When we started treating that some of the defiance settled down. Some of his defiance was anxiety based.
Raising Your Spirited Child is a must-read for you. My son is extremely sensitive, also. I think that contributes to it.
I have found that he takes the most to parent well. He needs me to be really strong and not back down, but also really understand where he is coming from.
Nowadays when he doesn't get his way, he huffs around, sighs a lot or complains about how unfair it all is and why not, etc.,etc. I usually end up sending him to his room once I've heard everything he has to say on it twice. I don't feel like I need to be punished for not giving him his way.
This child has spent a lot of time in his room over the years. (Actually, he really needs a bit of time alone.) I think that's why that works for him.
If your ds is screaming like that I would try isolating him. We had to gate my ds room for a long time, but it worked. He realized that the behavior wasn't getting him anywhere.
Maybe he needs a little time alone, and/or some one-on-one with you. I have found that if I set up my olders to work on something that doesn't require me, and play with the 2 youngers first thing in the morning, things go better around here. Kind of like a love injection (or a pre-emptive strike depending on how you look at it. ). Good luck. If you want some more stories, I've got tons. My ds even amazed his pediatricians with his will. Ironically, one of the names we seriously considered for this child: Will.
God Bless,
Anita
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Marcia
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I personally have found Connection Parenting by Pam Leo my recent help for a strong willed child in our house.
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Marcia
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Kristin
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I have not been able to read through the entire thread, but our son who just turned six has given us a run for our money; I can totally relate to the challenges you describe. It started when he was three and was pretty intense for a couple of years. He is now doing much better, but still has challenging moments --- and they are INTENSE! It really wears you out!  And you feel awful about it, to boot. 
I'm not big on the Dobson Strong-Willed book, either. Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child by Robert J. MackKenzie, Ed.D. has been a extremely helpful throughout it all. I don't know what we would have done without it; it hit the nail on the head for us. Full of very simple, practical and easy to apply techniques.
Another one which was very helpful, although I did not read it all the way through, is Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer: Understanding the crucial difference between a strong-willed child and a creative-sensitive child by Dr. Dana Scott Spears & Dr. Ron L. Braund
Looking forward to following this thread ...
Peace in Christ!
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KauaiCatholic
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guitarnan wrote:
| How happy I am to recommend Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Strong-willed kids are often children with sensitivity issues as well as persistence. This book completely changed my life. It made me a better parent and stronger advocate for my children. Even if you read it and decide your child isn't "spirited" (as in MORE of so many things...persistence, sensitivity, etc.), you'll gain a greater understanding of your child, yoursef and the relationship between you. |
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AMEN!!! thank you SO much for recommending this book! it has already begun changing our lives, and we aren't even done reading it yet! amazing insight!
it's been especially helpful for my mellow but often bewildered DH, who is "blessed" with 2 spirited children (plus a spirited wife.) thanks again!
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Viviane
Grateful mama of Jonah Augustine ('01), Sophia Marie ('05) and Luke Dominic ('10)
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Strong Willed Son
