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Mackfam
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Placing this discussion under the guidance and protection of Our Lady.
As a result of the many reality-based tv shows, I'm convinced that the perception of the Sacrament of Marriage and in particular, our vocations as wives and mothers, has been altered. These shows have offered a cultural norm for marriage that gives one the view that a family, paraded across our tv screen on a regular basis, is in fact, the reality and the paradigm.
As a member of the 4Real community, I don't consider myself insulated from the sadness and reality of marriages and relationships today. I don't think many here are insulated. I see the sad, ugly reality of the young brother and sister who have no mother at home because she is off "finding herself" in a sad reality full of vanity. I see all too often what happens to families when the orientation of self becomes intoxicating.
The families I encounter here are a refreshment - a healing balm. I have no doubt there are marriages here that suffer. I have prayed for them and continue to pray for them. But, they cannot be lifted out of difficulty by the example of mediocrity. Their recourse is grace.
Life in any family is an exercise in virtue, and it is meant to be. This is our path to holiness. It is an exercise. It is work. It doesn't come easy, and it is often hardest when we are working against habits of temperament that incline us naturally towards a particular sin. Here, in the everyday chaos, in the normal communications between husband and wife, we can choose to bend our wills and cooperate with grace, or we can bend the other way and drown in a sea of self pity. Mediocrity is not the answer. Holiness is. Grace is. Our example is the Holy Family. That is to whom we aspire. That is the example and reality we should look to.
The rules of this forum will always err on the side of charity - charity towards our husbands, especially. This forum has always opened itself to those who have sincerely sought the support and great blessing of prayer for their marriages afforded by the many prayer warriors on this forum. We take very seriously the sacred and holy nature of marriage and do all we can to protect that by affording a veil of privacy where that veil should remain. Speaking disrespectfully of any husband on this board will never be tolerated because it is a direct assault on the Sacrament of Marriage which we will defend. This should not be seen as a silencing of a reality as if it lurks behind the scenes, but the right and good protection and nurturing of a Holy Sacramental bond.
I am not a marriage counselor, nor do I pretend to have any inside knowledge on the statistics of exceptional marriages. I only know that I want an exceptional marriage. I know that Our Lady and St. Joseph had one. I know that I want to surround myself by the example of others who are walking this road that are always pointing my eyes heavenward by their words and actions - towards charity, towards the goal, not the cultural norm.
Let's brainstorm! Let's discuss that point on God's exercise treadmill in which chaos is mounting and our options are twofold: recoil in self-pity, or bend our will and cooperate with charity.
Let's talk of the ways we can exercise the virtues of gentleness, kindness, patience, and respect in the nursery of virtue that is our family, in spite of the variety of crises presenting themselves.
Let's help lift each other up as we keep discussions here general, never lifting the veil of privacy between husband and wife, but speaking in general terms. Let's share ideas and brainstorm practicals for seeking the reality of the Holy Family in our families and emulating their actions, obedience, self-donation, prayerfulness, patience, kindness, gentleness - their holiness and Christ-centeredness. I refuse to believe that MEDIOCRITY is the "most real" or preferable solution.
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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stefoodie
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I have a few minutes left on my computer time this morning. What a timely topic, Jennifer! There is much going on in my life these days that my thoughts are directed toward these things... I may not be able to participate much in further discussion but wanted to share a couple of things that hit me this morning:
from St. Boniface:
Quote:
| In her voyage across the ocean of this world, the Church is like a great ship being pounded by the waves of life's different stresses. Our duty is not to abandon ship but to keep her on her course. <snip> I would gladly give up the task of guiding the Church which I have accepted if I could find such an action warranted by the example of the fathers or by holy Scripture. Since this is the case, and since the truth can be assaulted but never defeated or falsified, with our tired mind let us turn to the words of Solomon: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own prudence. Think on him in all your ways, and he will guide your steps. |
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So true not just about the Church but also in our smaller, domestic churches.
Many things that have happened to us in the past 6 months really tried our marriage and our family. Even my dh's company who profess to put family first (and in many cases, they do try hard!) so that people can have a good home-work balance, tend to do things at times that could tear up families instead of building them up. We've been forced to stay on our toes, keeping watch every moment for possible intrusions and distractions that keep us from our goal.
It is so easy to look around and say, we're doing great compared to "those people". It's also easy to say when things get rough, "I'm just like everyone else. I buckle under pressure." But we are indeed called to not be "like everyone else".
I love this:
Mackfam wrote:
| I only know that I want an exceptional marriage. I know that Our Lady and St. Joseph had one. I know that I want to surround myself by the example of others who are walking this road that are always pointing my eyes heavenward by their words and actions - towards charity, towards the goal, not the cultural norm. |
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Amen. That's what I love about this board and about the discussions here (which I don't get to participate in as often as I'd like, but when I do get to read and digest them, they really bless me and my marriage!)... I of course have people I can run to and "vent to", but it's here that I am able to find the clearest "path to heaven", if you will. I can find many people in my life to commiserate, to tell me I have the right to complain and whine and just throw a tantrum anytime I want, but here I feel that I'm held to a different kind of accountability -- one that helps me most in my vocation as wife and mother.
No more time, gotta go.
God bless!
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stef
mom to five
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Lisbet
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No doubt, and exceptional marriage is HARD work - an exceptional holy family does not just *happen*. I am fighting my temperment daily, no, constantly. Oftentimes I feel that it will never get easier. One thing I do know though, is when I respond to my husband with love, be it silence when I want to shout, affection when I feel cold, work when I am exhausted, etc... and I see his reaction, it is like Christ Himself is smiling at me, and I keep going. And it is icing on the cake when my husband does the same for me.
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Maria B.
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Lisa, couldn't have said it any better! And when husband and wife do these things, it carries over to the children.
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Maria in VA
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Servant2theKing
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Jennifer, beautifully said!
The family is being spiritually attacked from so many directions today.
Rev. John Raphael SSJ, recently shared these thought-provoking words at a pro-life event. His words aptly apply to the Domestic Church, as well as the greater Mystical Body (Full text and video of Fr. Raphael's inspiring and powerful talk can be found at wwwNDresponse.com):
"Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it" (Mt 16:19) ...upon hearing these words we frequently conjure up the wrong image, that of the Church surrounded and protected by a strong impregnable wall. But note, this passage refers not to the Church's gates, but to the gates of hell!!! It is not the Church that is hunkered down in defensive position, afraid of the enemy at the gates, it is hell! The forces of darkness and the prince of this world will ultimately collapse, not the Church! The Church is leading the charge, raising the siege! The gates of hell shall not prevail because we are told in the First Epistle of St. Peter, "...the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and His ears are open unto their prayers: but the Face of the Lord is against those who do evil." (1 Pet 3:12) Until that ultimate victory is won, each generation is called to play its part..."
Fr. Raphel's closing statement proclaimed these words of Jesus, "...'Be not afraid'...'In the world you shall have trouble, but take confidence, I have overcome the world!'"
Our greatest offense, our strongest weapon against all that threatens family life, is to immerse ourselves and our families in prayer...to strive continuously to grow in virtue and holiness...to unite our souls and our families with the Holy Family!
Act of Consecration to the Holy Family
O Jesus, our most loving Redeemer, Who once having come to enlighten the world with Thy teaching example, did will to pass part of Thy life in humility and subjection to Mary and Joseph in the poor home at Nazareth, thus sanctifying the Family that was to be the example for all Christian families, graciously receive our family as it dedicates and consecrates itself to Thee this day. Do Thou protect us, guard us and establish among us Thy holy fear, true peace and concord in Christian love; in order that by living according to the Divine pattern of Thy family we may be able, all of us without exception, to attain eternal happiness.
Mary, Mother of Jesus and Mother of us, by thy kindly intercession, make this humble offering acceptable in the sight of Jesus, and obtain for us His graces and blessings.
O Saint Joseph, most holy guardian of Jesus and Mary, help us by thy prayers in all our spiritual and temporal needs, that we may be enabled to praise our divine Saviour Jesus, for all eternity. Amen.
Recite Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be 3 times.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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lapazfarm
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I do think I am blessed to have an exceptional marriage, but I welcome the chance to make it even better. I especially like the idea of modeling my marriage and family life after the Holy Family.There surely cannot be a better goal than that!
But the problem for me is that there is so little known about how the Holy Family actually worked--how Mary, Joseph, and Jesus lived their daily lives (and even how Sts Anne and Joachim fit into it all), that I have a hard time coming up with examples to apply to my ordinary life.
Sure, in a given situation I can imagine "what would Mary do", etc, but how do I know for sure?
Prayer, of course. But what tangible resources can you more knowledgeable ladies point me to that will give me some more insight on modeling my family life after the Holy Family?
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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Michaela
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Mackfam wrote:
| Our example is the Holy Family. That is to whom we aspire. That is the example and reality we should look to. |
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lapazfarm wrote:
Sure, in a given situation I can imagine "what would Mary do", etc, but how do I know for sure?
Prayer, of course. But what tangible resources can you more knowledgeable ladies point me to that will give me some more insight on modeling my family life after the Holy Family? |
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Thank you for asking this, Theresa.
Would someone expound on what it means to have the Holy Family as our example?
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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Willa
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Michaela wrote:
Thank you for asking this, Theresa.
Would someone expound on what it means to have the Holy Family as our example? |
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It's a great question. When I converted I often puzzled over this myself. So little written about the Holy Family in Scripture -- only a few words.
The Bible does things differently than we often do, though, I've realized. It uses silence as well as words. The holy silences around great things are meant to evoke a reverence "take off your sandals; you stand on holy ground." They are meant to be the equivalent of places where we can pause and dwell in thought. Or so it seems to me after 18 years of Catholicism.
Not very practical, I know, but it does lead to at least one practical conclusion, which is the one Jen mentioned. You CAN invade your own privacy. You can talk too much and reveal too much. ... A family to be like the Holy Family has to have sacred spaces -- times hidden from the public eye (edited a bit to take out some specific examples because of Jen's plan to keep this generally and positively oriented)
Another thing that occurs to me is that the Holy Family modeled trust and an openness to what God has in store for them, no matter how odd it seems at the time. Theresa and her us-schooling are a real-life model for me in this. Her family's moved from one extreme climate to another; it's expanded to include new members. She always makes it look and sound like a wonderful adventure. It's about the outlook.
For another example, Elizabeth said she doesn't whine or let her kids whine. Nowadays society sometimes thinks that's "being unreal" but in fact, in a sense you make things happen or not happen by your attitude. This is what I point out to the kids when they whine or complain -- you can actually define and restrict your future that way. On the other hand, if they look on the positive side and try to make the most of their situation they act like the Holy Family, accepting the call to welcome God's son and later, to flee to Egypt, without making a big deal about the blow life has dealt them.
Just a couple of things and there are a lot more, but this is already too long!
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Elizabeth
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Willa wrote:
| For another example, Elizabeth said she doesn't whine or let her kids whine. Nowadays society sometimes thinks that's "being unreal" but in fact, in a sense you make things happen or not happen by your attitude. This is what I point out to the kids when they whine or complain -- you can actually define and restrict your future that way. On the other hand, if they look on the positive side and try to make the most of their situation they act like the Holy Family, accepting the call to welcome God's son and later, to flee to Egypt, without making a big deal about the blow life has dealt them. |
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It's such a relief when someone articulates something you feel deep down and haven't expressed adequately. Thanks, Willa, for doing just that! What you state above is really the way I try to live. Sometimes, I fall short. With grace, I get better at it as I age and gain experience. Willa, your words will help me to directly teach this concept to my children more clearly. I think an attitude like this is one that will serve us all well. Life will hand everyone its difficulties--there's no doubt about it. HOW we bear the suffering is the question. I can be done joyfully, by the grace of God.
Must go...
Blessings on your day!
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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MarilynW
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Mackfam wrote:
I know that Our Lady and St. Joseph had one. I know that I want to surround myself by the example of others who are walking this road that are always pointing my eyes heavenward by their words and actions - towards charity, towards the goal, not the cultural norm.
I refuse to believe that MEDIOCRITY is the "most real" or preferable solution. |
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Amen my friend. I am glad that I have your example.
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Marilyn
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lapazfarm
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Willa wrote:
Another thing that occurs to me is that the Holy Family modeled trust and an openness to what God has in store for them, no matter how odd it seems at the time. Theresa and her us-schooling are a real-life model for me in this. Her family's moved from one extreme climate to another; it's expanded to include new members. She always makes it look and sound like a wonderful adventure. It's about the outlook.
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Thank you, Willa, that is very kind of you to say.
I have to tell you, this road hasn't always been so easy. We have moved many, many times, I think about 15 times in our 18 years of marriage! For the longest time I used to fret about the damage this was doing to my children--not ever having a home base, life-long friends, lack of stability, etc.
But now I see it diferently.
I see that God was just training us to joyfully accept whatever is in store for us. My children are learning so much from all of our travels, as am I. And I have even found that we've grown to LIKE moving about and experiencing new places. Apparently we are not the settling down type after all! In fact, we may even embrace our "destiny" to the point of eventually becoming one of those traveling "roadschooling" families I admire so much!LOL! It's funny (and humbling) to look back and see how God has had His hand in it all along.
Joyful acceptance certainly makes the bumps in the road less jolting. Certainly this is one lesson the Holy Family can teach us. (Some of us just have to learn it the hard way!LOL!) I know it sounds cliche, but joy really is a choice we make on a daily basis.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
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RamFam
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lapazfarm wrote:
| But the problem for me is that there is so little known about how the Holy Family actually worked--how Mary, Joseph, and Jesus lived their daily lives (and even how Sts Anne and Joachim fit into it all), that I have a hard time coming up with examples to apply to my ordinary life. |
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I also find it somewhat difficult to model my behavior after the mother of a perfect son! [Remember that I am a convert from Protestantism and Mary was the most difficult 'issue' in conversion.] Sometimes I just feel like she can't possibly understand my situation as she was born without sin as well. DYKWIM? How do I better understand this? How do I feel a closer connection to her during my difficulties?
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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CrunchyMom
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RamFam wrote:
lapazfarm wrote:
| But the problem for me is that there is so little known about how the Holy Family actually worked--how Mary, Joseph, and Jesus lived their daily lives (and even how Sts Anne and Joachim fit into it all), that I have a hard time coming up with examples to apply to my ordinary life. |
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I also find it somewhat difficult to model my behavior after the mother of a perfect son! [Remember that I am a convert from Protestantism and Mary was the most difficult 'issue' in conversion.] Sometimes I just feel like she can't possibly understand my situation as she was born without sin as well. DYKWIM? How do I better understand this? How do I feel a closer connection to her during my difficulties? |
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I usually try to see this through the lense of how she treats me as my spiritual mother. Her love and patience in the face of MY transgressions which are likely worse than my own childrens' transgressions against me, yk?
ETA: That doesn't mean I don't occasionally whine to myself, "but its not FAIR. She didn't have concupiscence. I can sin without even TRYING!" 
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Lindsay
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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RamFam
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I usually try to see this through the lens of how she treats me as my spiritual mother. Her love and patience in the face of MY transgressions which are likely worse than my own childrens' transgressions against me, yk? |
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Ah, a much better way of looking at it.
Also, I've struggled with another aspect of the Holy family idea; if God the Father is a loving Parent whom we all aspire to reach toward, how can He allow any of His children to be eternally damned? As imperfect a parent as I am, there is no way I could allow a child of mine to be 'cast into a pit of eternal fire.' But then I don't think I fully grasp free will and Divine intervention. How can He intervene sometimes, yet allow some really awful things?
This is terribly off topic and not at all positive, but I am really struggling with it right now.
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Leah
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Mackfam
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Michaela wrote:
Thank you for asking this, Theresa.
Would someone expound on what it means to have the Holy Family as our example? |
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I'm sorry, I dropped a brainstorming question in here and then I took flight into laundry-land.
Willa does a terrific job as always of illuminating some of the aspects of the Holy Family as our example in modeling the virtues necessary in marriage.
Willa wrote:
| the Holy Family modeled trust and an openness to what God has in store for them, no matter how odd it seems at the time |
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Perhaps it would help in this discussion to list what we know about the Holy Family...and as has been pointed out here, much is protected by silence.
What we know of the Holy Family from the gospels...
**Most of the gospel accounts of the Holy Family come from Matthew and Luke, the gospel of John alone records the wedding at Cana.
**St. Joseph takes Mary as his wife - He is described as a just man. He is considering his decision to send away the Virgin with Child when an angel appears to him in a dream telling him not to fear, to take Mary as his wife, for "the child conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit." He woke from his sleep and obeyed.
**The Nativity - St. Joseph took Mary who was with Child to Bethlehem as part of a civic obligation. In the fullness of time as St. Joseph and Mary reach Bethlehem, the Word made Flesh enters the world and laid to rest in a manger.
**The Flight into Egypt - St. Joseph receives another appearance of an angel in a dream telling him to "take the child and His mother and flee into Egypt and remain there until I tell you." St. Joseph obeys, fleeing by night the gospels say. The angel appears to St. Joseph again to tell him to bring the child and His mother back to the land of Israel. They settle in Nazareth.
**The Presentation in the temple We know this was done to fulfill the requirements of the law. We know that they performed everything according to the law of the Lord and then returned home. Simeon's prophecy was given that Our Lady's own heart would be pierced with a sword.
**Finding of child Jesus in the temple - Mary and St. Joseph lose the child Jesus...well, they don't really lose Him I guess, they thought he was somewhere in the big group, but then when they couldn't find Him they "looked for him anxiously". When Jesus is found in the Temple and offers His explanation, "did you not know I would be in my Father's house?", Luke says of Joseph and Mary, "they didn't understand the saying."
**The Miracle at Cana - There is no mention of St. Joseph during this wedding celebration. Tradition holds that he had died by this point, but this is not confirmed or denied in the gospels. Because Mary and Jesus are still together as family and Our Lord hasn't begun His public ministry, I'm including this as part of our record of the Holy Family. You know the story...big wedding...wine runs out...Mary says, "they have no wine" to Jesus...He says His hour has not yet come...she compels Him telling the servant, "Do whatever He tells you." Jesus performs His first miracle turning water into wine.
**Pondered in her Heart - 2 different times in the gospels both Matthew and Luke tell us that Mary ponders or keeps all these things in her heart.
**The child grew... - Once settled in Nazareth, the Holy Family is silent save for the testament that the "child grew and became strong; filled with wisdom; and the favor of God was upon Him."
As Willa rightly points out, there are many, many lessons in the silent narratives of the gospels. There are examples of humanity - St. Joseph and Our Lady do not always understand as we see from the Finding in the Temple. When they have lost the Child Jesus, they search for Him -- anxiously -- until He is found. When faced with an enormous and frightening task - the Flight into Egypt - they move with all haste in obedience and trust. When asked to travel long distances with the fullness of a pregnancy, we see more obedience. When presented with the reality of the Word made Flesh's imminent birth and the subsequent reality that this will happen in a barn - there is great joy.
I see service within the marriage of St. Joseph and Our Lady. I see great respect and compassion, look at how St. Joseph, a just man, is still considering his decision to send Mary (discovered to be with child) away rather than the standard custom of stoning.
And, I see Our Lady's silence and pondering rather than vocal reaction. Twice Our Lady is said to do this. This is striking to me because in the account in the Gospel of St. Luke (2:15-19) the shepherds have just arrived in Bethlehem and have found Mary and Joseph and the baby lying in a manger. Seeing them, the shepherds reveal what the angels have told them of the child. St. Luke says that all who heard about it wondered at what the shepherds told them. Can't you just see them all filled with the Holy Spirit, full of joy, wonder, questions, and excitement telling of the account - the appearance of the angels, the great Gloria in Excelsis Deo, the awesome news that this child before them in the midst of the hay and the animals was THE SAVIOR they had all been waiting, longing, and praying for! The very next statement by St. Luke is clearly meant to juxtapose against the shepherd's jubilation and sharing. This great news has been shared - it is immense, it is MYSTERY. St. Luke says, "Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart." (emphasis mine)
Here again, quietly tucked away in the Scriptures is an example for us as wives and mothers. To emulate the Holy Family and as wives, to emulate Our Mother, we keep these intimacies, these details of our marriage, our children, our vocation, tucked safely in our hearts. We shelter them there as Mary did. We ask Our Lady, full of grace, to give us her heart so that we may ponder these intimacies with Jesus, who is with her.
Certainly, there are differences in comparing Our Lady's vocation to our own, but not in a way that leaves Our Lady without the credibility to offer an example that is valid for us in our daily lives. Our Lady mothered the Word Made Flesh, the Mystery of the Incarnation, the Second Person of the Holy Trinity. Say it with me, "WOW!!!!" Our Lady was the Mother of God - Theotokos!!!! And at the Foot of the Cross, Our Lord gave her to all of us as a mother...ok, now *that* is a large family!!!! And, raise your hand if you've ever thrown a spiritual fit when you know Our Lord is asking you to suffer or let go of an unhealthy attachment......my hand is raised. How does our Heavenly Mother continue to mother us during our tantrums? With all gentility and persistence. She does so with the might of Heaven at her fingertips and with the tenderness created within all mothers by the Giver of Life, but lived perfectly in a Mother conceived without the stain of original sin.
And, let's not forget that Our Lady, conceived without sin, means that she was Immaculate, Pure, but it doesn't mean that she didn't face choices. The most significant choice she made changed your life and mine and all of history. Salvation began when she said YES! FIAT! She didn't have to, but she did. She didn't understand at the moment of the Annunciation - the most awesome, incomprehensible MYSTERY had just been offered to her and she says, "How can this be???" The angel Gabriel's explanation is offered and Mary, in that moment makes a choice - the most significant choice since the choice of disobedience in the Garden of Eden. She cooperated with the fullness of grace dwelling within her, and she ushered in Salvation with her FIAT.
So, this is what I mean when I'm talking about that moment in our daily, everyday, ordinary lives of cooperation with grace...chaos surrounds us, multiple children pull on our apron strings, decisions face us, and our husband needs our support, respect, charity, our entire self...it is in cooperating with grace moment by moment, by offering our own FIAT to the moment, our own gift of self that we resist the inclination to give in to self and whine or throw a pity party. Certainly, every moment is not a successful cooperation with grace. We fail. We seek recourse in the ocean of Mercy and His great and awesome Sacrament of Confession. We seek forgiveness from those whom we hurt, and we try again the next moment to soften our voice, tuck safely away a confidence or intimacy shared, protect and nurture those within our domestic church...just as Our Lady pondered and kept the great Mystery of her Son tucked quietly and safely in her Immaculate Heart.
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Vocation of marriage-nursery for virtue
