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RamFam
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Why do you choose to stay at home? Do you think all mothers should stay at home? Is it okay for for mom to work? Is it actually better for some moms to be career moms than SAHMs? What if dad stays home? [Maybe I shouldn't ask these questions because I don't want a 'mommy war,' but I need reassurance.]
Why do you home educate? If your children had access to phenomenal schools would you enroll them or continue to home educate anyway?
For those moms who have stayed home for a long time, do you have regrets? Ever feel like maybe you could contribute more to society?
I guess I'm a bit worn out and in need of encouragement or a reminder of why it is I am chancing insanity. I just feel like a failure: my house is always dirty, I'm always behind in laundry, we eat out as much as possible, I'm not sure if the kids wouldn't get a better education from somewhere else, etc. I feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for this. Maybe my husband could do a better job or even a nanny. --Sheesh! What a whiner, eh? --
[I've tried to search threads on this subject but must not be thinking of good key words.]
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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melanie
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I'm confused, I guess...
Don't feel badly though, that's a frequent state of mind for me, 
Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work? Just trying to clarify where it is you are coming from what you say you are "not cut out for this". 
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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RamFam
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Sorry, Melanie. I'm a SAHM, but would that change your answers?
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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JodieLyn
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So.. Why are you? Why did you choose it in the first place? Are those reasons still valid?
Would going to work and sending the kids to school really fix the problems or just create new ones in place of them? Like, you've got several very young children.. you'd have to pay for daycare.. big chunk out of your paycheck.
Are you just tired (gee with 4 young children how dare you think you're tired ) and feeling overwhelmed? are you letting being overwhelmed make you hide your head in the sand and lament nothing getting done rather than just making yourself get up and do it? If you were employed to be a stay at home mom and homeschooler would you be fired for not doing the job because you sit around wondering why nothing gets done or do you just have to do too much to do in the time alloted (who doesn't?)
Are you taking care of yourself? are you getting your shower and wearing decent clothes and getting outside or opening the curtains to get some sunshine? are you eating healthy? are you taking vitamins? (pregnancy can deplete your stores so...) Are you getting exercise?
Are you dealing with post-partum depression? You still have a baby young enough that that could be a problem (it was after my #4 that I noticed a real need for my vitamins or I could spiral down into depression and/or lethargy.. didn't feel sad.. just so very tired.. like every muscle had lead weights attached)
Do you have your dh's support?
As for my reasons for being a SAHM and homeschooling.. *we* choose them for the positives in them not because of the negatives of the alternatives, so having things outside (like schools) change or be bad or good does not change why we homeschool.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JennGM
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Leah,
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm fighting feelings of discouragement, but the pointing just comes back at me. I know some of it is cabin fever and I need to refresh our schedule and myself. I need a boost of energy and fresh air.
Right now I wouldn't send my child to school, even if something was ideal. Dh and I firmly see the advantages for all of us for hsing and SAHM, even if the house is messier than usual. I do love being a SAHM, even if some days I'm stressed out more than usual and the cons seem heavier than the pros. 
We were doing a lot of out to eat. Lent was a big budget crunch and sudden halt to those quick trips. One of my (forced) resolutions was to create a meal plan. It is helping, although stomach viruses and other illnesses do mess up plans.
But when I have thoughts like yours, I know what I'm feeling isn't going to solved by sending my child out. Will my house be cleaner because one child is away at school and I'm in the car dropping and picking him up and working with his homework etc? I know the answer is to turn to God for help...throw myself at His mercy because I'm just a failure (and would still be one even if I wasn't homeschooling) and ask for help.
Then I have to go back again at just baby steps. Very little baby steps, be gentle with myself, just like Jesus is with me.
Just a few thoughts. Big hugs and prayers from here.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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stellamaris
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Dear Leah,
First of all,  ! I think many long-time homeschooling moms have at some point struggled with the questions you raise here, especially those of us who left successful careers to come home with our children. I see you have several small ones, and not a child old enough to really babysit or take over for a short time at home. These are the most intensive years of parenting in any family. Only YOU can answer for yourself the questions of why you stay home and why you choose to homeschool. I suggest getting out a piece of paper, dividing it in two columns, praying for the help of the Holy Spirit and the intercession of our Lady, and then listing on one side the pros of working (or staying home, or home schooling or not) and on the other the cons. This will help you think about your core values and take it out of the realm of the emotional. Remember that one of Satan's titles is the "Accuser of the brethren" and he will try to discourage us by making us believe we can't do what we feel we ought to do (as in "I feel like I am just not cut out for this"). He will prey on our emotions. When and if YOU (and your husband,too) decide that you believe it is the right thing for you and your family to stay home and/or homeschool, then you can begin to tackle your areas of guilt one at a time. Choose something that you struggle with on the home front (like laundry) and set up a plan to deal with it. Use this forum to get good ideas! You will fail ( I only say this because we all do!) Get up and try again as many times as you need to until you develop a new habit. Then move on to another area. "A saint is a sinner who kept on going". Be encouraged that no one can love your children more than you do, and be wise enough to take a little time to care for yourself, too. Btw, I have homeschooled for over 22 years, and I have yet to regret doing it, but it isn't perfect, as nothing in this world is. I personally believe that the greatest contribution I can make to society is to raise my children as well as I can to be godly men and women. As the old saying goes, "The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world."
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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RamFam
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 5:56pm | IP Logged
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Jodie,
"Would going to work and sending the kids to school really fix the problems...?" Maybe I need to actually figure out what the problems are.
Yes, I am INCREDIBLY tired. The other day I took a 3 hour nap and I awakened just as tired as I went to sleep. I take prenatals, is there any other supplements or foods that might help? I wouldn't think that it is depression, but how would I know?
Jenn,
Thanks for you thoughts, hugs and prayers. We gave up eating out for lent. I think I would like cooking if I knew how.
Putting my only school age child in school would actually just remove the only other person in the house who actually picks anything up! And the home schooling part is what I really enjoy. It's the arguing, fighting, whining, crying, noisy 3, 2 and not quite 1 yo that are driving me crazy!
Caroline,
"The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world." I like that. Thanks.
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Leah
RamFaminNOVA
Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
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flax seed oil or fish oil for your omega fats (3,6,9) might help.
You might consider seeing a doc though.. low thyroid can make you tired I think.. and perhaps some other things.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Maddie
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I can't say enough what a stress-reducer exercise is. It is hard to get going but so worth it, you'll wonder how you did without it. Maybe you could start with a Leslie Sansone DVD and try 1 mile at a time, it only takes 15 minutes.
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~Maddie~
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Philothea
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Leah,
What part of NoVA are you in? I think you're a little younger than me, but I'm also a very young mom (28 with two kids) and I had to learn it all on the fly ... I am by no means an expert or even up to par in most areas, but I do love to cook, and my methods are easy! I could teach you a few basics that would make it easier for you to pull recipes together using what you have on hand rather than having to sit down and make a shopping list to make a recipe ... I know the whole "what to make" ordeal was awful before I got a good handle on the fundamentals.
As for the rest of it, I'm as lost as you. I am living this life not because it is what I ever would have chosen as a profession, but because God blessed me with children and I feel that given the state of society, keeping them safe with me while they grow is my obligation. I'm not a kid person, not a homebody, not naturally nurturing or good with my hands, not at all organized ... essentially, I suck at this. But when I look at the world around me and the life they'd be living if I went back to work, I know I'm doing the right thing.
And I was struck by a mini-epiphany today: There is one silver lining to my boys growing up in a messy house with an overwhelmed mom -- the women they marry (if they are called to that vocation) are bound to look stellar in comparison! So many women struggle with the "you're not as good as my mom" thing -- my daughters in law will thank me, haha.
(DISCLAIMER: I do actually plan to continue improving my housekeeping skills as it is my responsibility to do so and everyone enjoys a pretty home -- this was just a funny thought that struck me this morning and made me feel better for a little while. So I shared it.)
Oh, and ETA: The longer I'm home, the more at peace I am with all of this. I don't know if that's true for everyone, but it has been for me. The past year or so I feel as if I've started to find my stride and "get into the groove" of parenting and homemaking a little bit. I grow a little every day. Well, ALMOST every day. 
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melanie
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"Sorry, Melanie. I'm a SAHM, but would that change your answers?"
Yes! Because, I've been a working mom, and a stay at home mom (that's where I am now), and I've even been a working homeschooling mom (boy, that was fun). So, the reason I asked is because none of those things will get any better by going to work. The housework, the eating out all the time, etc., I mean. Being a working mom was much harder than being a stay at home mom. There was less work to do somewhat around the house because we were gone all day, but it was very stressful for all kinds of reasons. Now, things are still stressful , but that's not the norm. Now when things are stressful it's a sign that something needs to change in my home.
I've always said that if Mother Seton and Don Bosco set up shop across the street we would still homeschool. It has become a lifestyle for us, and I can't imagine not homeschooling. That doesn't mean it is always joyful every minute or that I don't ever wistfully watch the schoolbus drive by.
Honestly, darlin', you sound depressed to me. There's pain written all over your post. When was your baby born? What are your cycles doing? Crushing fatigue can certainly be a sign of depression, and it may be a postpartum type of thing. I had a short bout of this when my baby was several months old...no joy in anything for a while, some anxiety even. It passed. I think it helped when my periods started again when she was nine months old...until then it's like I was fine for a while, then things started to shift and I was in some kind of hormonal limbo for a while. Exercise did help too, someone suggested that. I know it's hard to get your brain around doing anything else when you are feeling so overwhelmed, but even a short walk. Get outdoors. If the weather is pretty, take a blanket outside and just go sit outside with the kids. I started this way, and it got to where I just felt like I was soaking up the sun and fresh air, it really helped. I dreaded coming back inside to my messy house, . But once I was feeling better I started catching up again. Still catching up! My depression was short-lived. If you haven't had a good physical since your baby was born, this may be a good time.
(hug), I'm sorry, this is a very brief and stilted response...stupid time of day for me to try to get on the computer and I've been interupted 80 times. I haven't had a chance to read the other responses either, so I hope something was helpful to you.
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Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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RamFam
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 7:32pm | IP Logged
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melanie wrote:
| Honestly, darlin', you sound depressed to me. There's pain written all over your post. When was your baby born? What are your cycles doing? Crushing fatigue can certainly be a sign of depression, and it may be a postpartum type of thing. |
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My cycles are just returning. Philip is 10 mo now.
I was T-Tapping daily, but stopped and never started again. Maybe I'll pick it up again. No, I'll definitely start doing it again.
Honestly, there's been an opportunity that came up that sounds really appealing and I'm trying to justify my husband staying home or working from home so I can continue my previous career. I've become really nervous lately about the possibility of my husband not being able to continue working. Where would that leave our family as I am losing my skills, kwim?
OK, so I plan to exercise and get more sunshine and figure out a plan to get my house (or self, really) in order.
BTW I notice no one actually answered my questions. I really just wanted to now why YOU do it. I figured it would help concrete my ideas as to why I should continue doing it.
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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RamFam
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Philothea wrote:
| And I was struck by a mini-epiphany today: There is one silver lining to my boys growing up in a messy house with an overwhelmed mom -- the women they marry (if they are called to that vocation) are bound to look stellar in comparison! So many women struggle with the "you're not as good as my mom" thing -- my daughters in law will thank me, haha. |
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You're right!
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Leah
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Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 30 2009 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
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Comparing working out of the house or staying at home.. or using a school vs homeschooling can get very heated.. those who've btdt tend to shy away from it... with good reason.
You'd likely get a better response if you simply asked "why do you stay home if you do?" and "why do you homeschool" with no reference to the alternatives. Then people can give the positive reasons why they do what they do without even bringing the alternatives into it.
I'll try and come back later and address those in that manner.. lots going on this evening so I won't be back to do that until kids are in bed.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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RamFam
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Oh, and Philothea, I live about 15 minutes from downtown dc. I'd be more specific, but your inbox is full.
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Leah
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MarilynW
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Dear Leah
I am sorry you are so run down and tired. The sun will be out soon and you will feel better - and the kids will behave better too when they get some more time in the warmth outside. Go see some bluebells - or go take a walk by a creek or the waterfalls at Great Falls Park - it will help renew your soul.
To respond to your question - I have done all the following:
- working mom (child in daycare)
- working mom (working from home part-time with young children)
- stay at home mom with kids in parochial school
- working from home and homeschooling mom
- full time mom
Working outside of the home with children was horrible for me - I only did it for a very short time - but it was tough. The funny thing was when I first stayed home I found it hard for the first month or so - maybe because I was conditioned by society to judge myself by my job. But after a few months - I could never have imagined going back
Working from home with young children is tough - but can be a nice thing (money wise and doing something for yourself too) as long as it is not too time consuming.
Over the last 10 years thought I have really come to see how full time mama at home is the best option. Yes it can be isolating and lonely and totally totally exhausting - but it is God's plan. As for homeschooling - given everything going on with our country and society right now - I actually am starting to think that homeschooling is the ONLY acceptable choice for raising the next generation of faithful Catholics.
As for kids in school - we did it for a few years - it was not stress free even in a Catholic school. Difficult teachers, no real teaching of the faith, tons of homework (a lot of it pointless in my opinion), hours spent dropping off and picking up children, lots of money spent on tuition and lots of extras.
And... you have helped me to be think of all the positives at a time when I am so very tired with lack of sleep, tough pregnancy, potty training etc etc
Hugs and prayers
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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RamFam
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JodieLyn wrote:
Comparing working out of the house or staying at home.. or using a school vs homeschooling can get very heated.. those who've btdt tend to shy away from it... with good reason.
You'd likely get a better response if you simply asked "why do you stay home if you do?" and "why do you homeschool" with no reference to the alternatives. Then people can give the positive reasons why they do what they do without even bringing the alternatives into it. |
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Yeah, I guess I thought that. But was hoping that I would get positives reasons why an individual family does it without regard to the alternative from those who are doing whichever variation of SAHM, SAHD, WAHM, working mom, school, homeschool, etc. I don't want to debate, just to simply know why. I wrote my reasons down when we first decided to homeschool which went hand in hand with staying home and I just pulled that old binder out, dusted it off and it reads:
1. Our family is able to grow together and learn from one another, therefore strengthening our family bond.
2. We are able to impart to our children Faith lived daily.
3.It's our marriage vocation.
4. A custom curriculum
5. Socialization
There's other stuff mixed in there, but these were our main reasons, what are yours?
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Leah
RamFaminNOVA
Tom ^i^, Kyle (my Marine), Adeline '00, Wyatt '05, Isaac '07 Philip '08,Michael '10, and John Xavier Feb '13
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RamFam
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MarilynW wrote:
| I am sorry you are so run down and tired. The sun will be out soon and you will feel better - and the kids will behave better too when they get some more time in the warmth outside. Go see some bluebells - or go take a walk by a creek or the waterfalls at Great Falls Park - it will help renew your soul. |
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We tried to make it to the zoo today but were scared off by the wind. We're going to make it tomorrow morning with dh.
MarilynW wrote:
And... you have helped me to be think of all the positives at a time when I am so very tired with lack of sleep, tough pregnancy, potty training etc etc |
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That was my hope. Thank you Marilyn for your response. I guess ideologically I 'know' it's best but i'm just.so.tired. Guess I'll head to bed now, after taking vitamins and t-tapp.
Thank you very much, ladies. You are wonderful.
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Leah
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Philothea
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Leah,
I emptied my inbox. :)
But I wanted to answer your question since you felt we didn't do that adequately ...
I stay home because:
1. I can't imagine letting someone else raise my children, teach them values and manners and share all the moments with them that I get to see all the time.
2. No matter how much I loved (and love) my career, it's not the same as it was before kids ... they're always on my mind and that doesn't make the job easier.
3. I don't want my sons growing up with the expectation that mom has to "contribute" financially -- I want the mothers of my future grandbabies to be free to stay home guilt-free with nothing but encouragement from their husbands (my sons). I know too many men of my generation who believe a wife is a second paycheck before she is a mother.
4. No one loves my kids more than my husband and me. I would die for them in a worst case scenario .... would the daycare staff? (I was less than a mile from the Pentagon on 9/11, I think about this stuff.)
Why we are homeschooling:
1. Because public schools are really government schools in this day and age. The "public" gets no say, it's all top-down, and I don't like what they're teaching.
2. My oldest son may have Asperger's Syndrome or something similar (we're starting the testing process). No one can individualize his learning experience more than I can. Plus, after holding it together (or not) all day at school, I can only imagine the mess he'd be by the time he came home ... but this is pessimistic thinking and probably wrong.
3. My youngest son is a total Montessori kid. We can't afford Montessori preschool, but I can give him a Montessori-style education at home.
4. I hate getting up early and so does my oldest son. I cannot imagine fighting the wake-up battle with him daily.
5. Schools have a way of taking over your life. Between homework, fundraisers and activities, where does family time come in? Let alone stuff your kid wants to do ... with homeschooling, we can do gymnastics and 4-H and music and martial arts and still not feel pressed for time together.
6. My son doesn't know it's not "cool" to hug and kiss and snuggle your mom.
7. It is SO much cheaper than private school. With the money saved in a single year, we could take a field trip to Rome to learn about the Pope -- and actually, maybe we'll just do that one year! After all, homeschooling lets you arrange your schedule to get the best fares and rates!
8. I get to learn with them! Like school all over again ... the right way, this time!
There are so many more reasons, but these came to mind immediately. Maybe this will encourage you? I hope so. :) Hugs to you ... hang in there.
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melanie
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Ok, why do we homeschool, why do I stay home....
This is hard to answer because I know I'll just be prattering off the top of my head and think of better reasons later... :)
First for purely practical reasons-
1. We have a baby. I will not put her in daycare. Period. Even if I wanted to, between daycare for the baby and preschool for the four year old, I would lose a lot of money to childcare. That's not even counting private school tuition for the big kids if we went that route. We could work alternate shifts from each other but...
2. My dh and I are both nurses, so in theory our pay should be close. But in reality, he has more experience (especially now that I've been home for a while) and he can also make much more working overtime that I can working regular shifts. Also, we did the alternate shift thing for a while. Nightmare. We never saw each other and it was really bad for our home environment. It was nobody's "job" to create a nice home life, kwim?
It also built a lot of resentment in my heart because my dh is a lousy housewife...worse than I am. And I would come home and still have to do everything around the house.
3. Catholic education. We probably couldn't afford CAtholic school for all of them, even if I was working. And there are no Catholic high schools here. Even the closest elementary school is the next town over.
Unpractical reasons....
1. I love to homeschool. I'm a big ole nerd at heart. I really enjoy relearning American history, reading aloud, doing science experiments. I could do without relearning the grammar.
2. I do enjoy my kids. I would miss them if they were gone all day.
3. I'm very sure I would lose the older ones to peers. They are both very extroverted and tend to be peer-focused when given the opportunity. I've noticed major personality changes in my otherwise very sweet 12yo dd when she spends too much time around even good friends. We are very close and have a great relationship. I'd hate to lose that. I realize that may be strained in the coming teen years anyway, but putting her in public school won't help, that's for sure.
4. My two oldest ones have special needs. My daughter is dyslexic. She spent kinder and half of first grade in public school and come out convinced that she was stupid and hated reading. We are still fighting the effects of that time. My 9yo has severe ADHD and he would never do well in public school. He is actually my nephew, we are raising him, and his father, my brother, has ADHD as well. They are put in special classes, which is fine at first, but as they get older that becomes synonomous with kids with behavior problems. They become friends with kids with behavior problems. He already attracts kids like this, I've seen it over and over again. and this would mean trouble as he gets into the older grades in the school system. And of course, I can tailor their education in a way a school never could.
5. Someone said that school consumes your life when your kids are in it. They are very right. When mine were in school, our whole lives revolved around school....the school day, the school calendar, their homework, fundraisers, social events, etc. Now our lives revolve around our family, our faith, and our church.
I hope that helps. That's all my brain can take for now,and I could probably write a book about it if I keep going. I don't mean to paint it all sunnier than it is. Fighting mess and clutter and laundry is constant. There are days that I am crying in the bathroom. There are days I wish my kids would be in someone else's care all day, . HOnestly, today is one of those days. But there are a lot of good days too.
__________________
Melanie
homeschooling Maria (13yo), Kain (10yo), Jack (5yo), Tess (2yo), and our newest blessing, Henry Robert, born 4/23!
slightlycrunchycatholic.blogspot.com
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Why?
