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Syncletica
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| Posted: Feb 16 2009 at 10:19pm | IP Logged
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My 8 year old dd is extremely bossy. Tells her siblings what to do, takes it upon herself to spank them sometimes (for which she gets rebuked and punished), is always pointing out their faults. For example, during our Rosary. She'll point out to me many times that the 4 year old isn't praying and tell her and even yell at her, to pray. Tell her brother to kneel up,sometimes while she's sitting on her feet. When it gets to be too much I'll often tell her to go kneel way up at the front and tell her not to turn around so she can pay attention to her own prayers. All day long it seems she's bossy. Often it starts first thing in the morning and the girls get in a squabble about something. What would you suggest for getting results?
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folklaur
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 1:03am | IP Logged
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just wondering - is she the oldest child, and/or the oldest girl?
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Bridget
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 7:07am | IP Logged
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I was a bossy oldest. My oldest is very much a 'boss' and I appreciate it now, very much. The key is to temper the annoyance or anger that they instruct with. I keep telling him, instruct with love. If you use a patient voice, humor and good example the kids will respond better. No one wants to be nagged and yelled at all day.
You can't stop an oldest from taking charge and helping you parent, it's their nature. You want to teach them to parent the younger children with kindness.
We're still working on this here, the olders AND the parents.
My DH and I often talk over what we need to work on regarding the younger children, including the olders in the conversation. That way we're not ignoring their natural roles as mentors but helping them learn how to help raise these younger children.
We make it somewhat of a team effort. Eight is not too young to begin this team approach. That way it's not the several groups (parents, olders and youngers) battling each other.
A little aside story. The other night I was driving a group of teens home from an event and had the privilege of hearing their conversation about being the oldest. They agreed that it can be hard to control their annoyance with little ones and a heavy responsibility. But they realized that for better or worse, their example is huge in the formation of the younger children. They discussed the need to stay in prayer and the sacrament of confession so they could be that good example.
Embrace the 'oldestness', just help them learn HOW to use that role for good. It will be frustrating at times but so very worth it.
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dawn2006
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 8:19am | IP Logged
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Oh Bridget, thank you so much for your post. I will be adding it to my favorites. My oldest will be 7 this month and he is just starting to be bossy to the younger ones. I can tell, too, that he's turned some kind of corner where he's in a different 'group' than my middle two. At 5 and 3 they have just started playing very well together. My oldest is often not interested in their games (OR he wants to play and they don't want him to interrupt) and simultaneously feels the need to correct them. I will reflect on your post and start telling him about correcting with kindness. And I'll do that myself more, too! Thank you.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 10:00am | IP Logged
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My oldest daughter sometimes tends towards the bossy side, too. For one thing, like you, I try to make it clear that disciplining her sisters is not within the scope of her responsibilities as big sister. And when she complains that her sister won't do what she says when they're playing or her sister has quit, I tell her that no one likes to be bossed around all of the time.
Like many things that I wish I had written down before I returned the book, the Duggars have a rule that you don't rebuke or tattle unless it is something dangerous or it is done to be helpful and done with a generous heart. I think your daughter is old enough to understand that, and also to comprehend the Bible verses about "removing the plank from your own eye".
Perhaps you can give your bossy your child some clear cut duties concerning her younger siblings, and make it clear that she is there to serve/help rather that boss. Like maybe doing a chore together, helping get shoes and coats on, preparing diaper bags, etc. (Inspired from the Duggars buddy system.)
I think I would also consider why she is being bossy. For instance, does correcting her siblings make her feel better about herself? Does she think that making them look bad makes her look better? Is she acting out to get attention? Is she feeling overwhelmed by something?
I was the younger sister of a bossy older sister. As she was ten years older than me, there were times when she was given legitimate authority over me like when our parents were both in the hospital at the same time with back problems. During those times, we got along fine and worked together.
As I got older, though, we had real problems because she would try to boss me around when she had no authority to do so and about things that had nothing to do with her--like how to pack my suitcase for vacation. I think that from the time I turned eight or so my existence made her feel very insecure, and she would try to boss me to make herself feel better. And she would act out against me (sniping comments, nitpicking, excluding me from things, usurping attention on my big days). It made me miserable and very resentful towards her and my parents for not stopping it. Today my sister and I have a very tenuous relationship, and I think the only reason it is peaceful at all is because I moved far away from her and my parents.
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dawn2006
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 10:47am | IP Logged
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Quote:
| For one thing, like you, I try to make it clear that disciplining her sisters is not within the scope of her responsibilities as big sister. |
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This is what I've been telling my oldest. I'll say "but you're not the parent. You don't have to do that. It's my job. Please come tell me." But after he's been mad(and often hit someone) he'll say "But what else am I supposed to do?" He's very earnest about it. But we go through the list of "Did you use your words first? Did you come get me?" He knows this list backwards and forward but still is consistent with hurting his siblings when angry. It's sometimes about just play, but many times where he's tried to discipline the others.
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| And when she complains that her sister won't do what she says when they're playing or her sister has quit, I tell her that no one likes to be bossed around all of the time. |
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I tell this to my son, too, and he'll say "Mom, I'm not trying to be bossy. I don't know what else to do." (see above)
I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this thread because it is very timely for us and the first time I've experienced this with my children. Thank you, Barbara, for sharing about how you felt when bossed.
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 11:39am | IP Logged
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I'd say that if he "knows" the list backwards and forward then it's a question of his discipline. Like if my daughter was constantly trying to physically discipline the others, then she would be the one sent to time out. Because in effect, she would be disobeying my authority.
I think if she was constantly verbally harassing the others I would give her one or two warnings and then a time out. You certainly want to give the kids a chance to work it out amongst themselves, but then your less bossy kids need to know that you'll protect them. It's just always that fine line in parenting between knowing when to interfere and when to let it work out on its own.
I really recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I probably re-read it about every six months, because I do want my girls to have a good relationship all their lives. I don't expect them to be best friends forever (although that would be nice), but I want them to be friends.
And like I said, I think examining the root of the problem can help. For instance, my oldest daughter is a perfectionist and gets easily frustrated. She has a "spirited" temperament. She has always been prone to emotional melt-downs. There are some preventative measures I take, but there are some things that she just has to learn to accept about life (like wearing socks and shoes in the winter or she can't physically force her sisters to do things they don't want to do).
Usually when my daughter gets super-bossy, it's because she has these ideas about the "perfect game" and her little sister won't conform or even play along. Other times it's because she's intent on doing something perfectly and sees her sister as a distraction who isn't allowed to breathe within a 100 feet. Sometimes I have to send her to time out, not as punishment, but just to cool down and collect herself.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 11:44am | IP Logged
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Oh, and Dawn, what you wrote about the whole game situation...how he corrects how they play the game. We've had that problem from time to time. My oldest, as a perfectionist, used to get really upset if her little sister was doing something but not up to herstandards. That may just be part of the age.
I had to explain that her sister was playing to her ability and that when she got bigger she would learn to play it "right". Then I would basically tell her it was none of her business and to find something else to do or she could go take a break in her room.
I think the biggest thing about the bossiness sometimes is that I don't want to have to hear it--just because of the noise. I never understood why my mother never wanted to listen to the radio when by herself in the car---now I so totally get it. 
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 12:10pm | IP Logged
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dawn2006 wrote:
This is what I've been telling my oldest. I'll say "but you're not the parent. You don't have to do that. It's my job. Please come tell me." But after he's been mad(and often hit someone) he'll say "But what else am I supposed to do?" He's very earnest about it. But we go through the list of "Did you use your words first? Did you come get me?" He knows this list backwards and forward but still is consistent with hurting his siblings when angry. It's sometimes about just play, but many times where he's tried to discipline the others.
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Something like this situation and I redirect their thinking.
"but so-n-so was doing..."
mom interupts.. "we're not talking about so-n-so.. what did YOU do?"
Basically..
no one "makes" you do anything, it's your choice how you react
you are responsible for your behavior regardless what anyone else did
and Dawn where you say this..
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| I'll say "but you're not the parent. You don't have to do that. It's my job. Please come tell me." |
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I would change the "you don't have to" to "you may not" making it very clear that it's out of line.
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Mary G
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| Posted: Feb 17 2009 at 12:30pm | IP Logged
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This also happens when there's a gap in ages so that you actually have two "oldests" ... I have a 19 yo, 17 yo ... than a 10, almost 9 and 6 .... so at least 2, sometimes 3 "oldests" who pride themselves on telling me how to parent.
Since I was the 6th of 7, I'm not amused  but I do understand ! I think with mine, it's a sense of injustice because what I let the younger ones "get away with" I would never have allowed for them ... at least that's how they see it.
I don't worry too much about it ... except to pull the "oldest" aside and explain that while I appreciate their "help", their sibling probably doesn't and it would be better for the siblings to stick together and help each other. Doesn't always help but at least I feel like I'm doing something.....
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Topic: how do you deal with bossiness?
