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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Jan 22 2009 at 11:16am | IP Logged
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Last night at gymnastics class my oldest DD (age 6) was kind of harassed by three older girls in the class (maybe age 9 or 10). They apparently were looking at her and laughing as if they were talking about her. When she asked them why they were laughing at her, they said "We're not telling you." They later said that she was ugly. Then they asked how many friends she had, and when she told them "six" they made fun of her and claimed to have hundreds.
My daughter told them to stop, that she was not ugly, and said they were lying about their number of friends. They said they weren't, and she said,"Well, none of you are my friends if you can't be nice." Then she told the teacher who said she would talk to them (although the teacher is probably 18 and I doubt that she did so).
I must admit that I was really proud of her for standing up for herself. I did try to explain that they may not have been lying about how many kids they knew, but they may not have understood that quality is more important than quantity. We talked about how it is ok to stand up for yourself as long as you aren't mean or hateful back. Then she resolved that if they do it again she'll say, "I'm a person. Live with it." And walk away.
We talked about how some people are mean for no good reason. That they sometimes do this to make themselves feel better. And how they will continue to harass if they know it bothers you. So, she's resolved not to deal with them at all.
So, she has a game plan for the next class which we will probably review the day of. But I started wondering what my game plan should be. Obviously, she has to learn to deal with issues herself, but when do I need to step in? I don't want these girls to ruin the class for her with their silliness.
Then when I do step in, what would you say is the appropriate procedure? Teacher, first? Parents of the offending kids? One of the girls apparently goes to our church because she mentioned it the first day of class.
Of course, a little bit of Mama Bear has come out. On the flip side, I know that someday it could be my DD who is teasing someone else (although I really hope not). She's had small altercations at public playgrounds in the past, but not really with anyone she would have to see again and again with little adult supervision.
So, I want to be better prepared. I welcome any advice or book recommendations. I am just glad that she doesn't have to deal with this stuff all the time, like I did in school.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 22 2009 at 12:46pm | IP Logged
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I personally, use the "an adult is watching you" technique.. basically say something so that they know that they're being observed and see if that doesn't eliminate the problem.. without having to actually say something about the problem.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Bridget
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| Posted: Jan 23 2009 at 2:19pm | IP Logged
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Kids say really dumb things. I don't think it's a big enough deal to go to the parents or the teacher, but I would correct them. If they're decent kids, they'll respect you and respond to your correction. If not you'll have to enlist the teacher or parents. Especially since they are older.
"Your heart must be pretty sad to say things that make someone else sad. If you want to be happy, say kind things that will make others happy. You may not talk to my daughter if you are going to be unkind to her."
Then enforce it.
"Nope, that was unkind, go sit over there away from my daughter."
or hopefully...
"That was a nice thing to say, I knew a lovely girl like you must have a good heart."
I hate those situations. 
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Lori
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| Posted: Jan 23 2009 at 3:32pm | IP Logged
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Bridget...I am totally cribbing those lines from you to use next time I'm in this situation! They're perfect!
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 23 2009 at 3:55pm | IP Logged
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Oh, your daughter sounds like she handled herself really well! You must be quite proud of her! Good for her!
That being said - you asked about stepping in - and while I am a really big advocate of letting kids handle situations themselves, your daughter is kinda young being only 6, and these other girls are older. Me? I would talk to the teacher and/or parents if they did it again (people act very oddly anymore if you "dare to correct their child" - so I don't do that, unless I am with friends and it is all understood, iykwim?) But the coach is going to need to learn to deal with issues like this (it is part of teaching a group...).
mean girls = 
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Jan 23 2009 at 4:38pm | IP Logged
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If we were in a group where I could hear it as it was going on, I wouldn't hesitate to correct the children if I thought it was going too far. But parents wait outside during the class on the other side of a glass wall. That's why I thought about talking to the teacher or the parents if it continued.
I don't want to be the whiny parent, "you're meanie kid dared to say a cross word to my precious angel" but at the same time I don't want my daughter to have her class ruined by continuous harassment. I just have a feeling that these situations are going to be coming up more and more as she becomes involved with more multi-age groups. Gymnastics runs from ages 6-15 and are divided by skill not age, and my daughter is in level 2 of 4.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 23 2009 at 4:50pm | IP Logged
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hmm so a situation more like when we have swim team/lessons.. though we're seperated by a fence.. you might suggest to the teacher that she takes a parent volunteer to keep an eye on the kids when she's busy so that this type of situation can't escalate.
We do have a "pool parent" volunteer who helps enforce the rules.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Peer Harassment
