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nicole marie
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| Posted: Jan 14 2009 at 1:57pm | IP Logged
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Hello! I have not posted on here for such a long time, but I was hoping maybe some of you would have some words of advice...or maybe comfort. 
Seven weeks ago, I gave birth to our second child, a boy  , but ever since then I have been having difficulties with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. She has always been very sensitive, but has now become very weepy most of the time. She seems uninterested in playing either by herself or even with other children when we go out and about. She was a wonderful eater, and it has now become a battle to get her to eat at all. I have tried giving extra attention when the baby goes down, playing games with her while I nurse the baby, including her in daily chores as much as possible, but she still seems distant and sad. I have asked her about it and she has no answer.
Is this just normal toddler behavior? Is it resentment towards the baby? Is this just a phase that we patiently love her through, or should I be concerned about something deeper? I am afraid that I have done something to push her away. Any suggestions or advice would be very welcome. Thank you so much!
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Wife to DH and Mommy to one DD (07/28/06) and one DS  (11/26/08)!
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crusermom
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| Posted: Jan 14 2009 at 3:10pm | IP Logged
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Congratulations on your new baby. As for the big sister, It could be a phase, but I would wonder if she is sick. It seems like a long time for a 2 year old to be like that. My four year old went through a period where he would go on the ground face down for long stretches and became withdrawn. Turned out he had Lyme disease. I never saw a rash, but he had told me his head hurt. The pediatrician was very astute to suggest testing for it. Fourteen days of antibiotics and he was a new kid.
Mary
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Mary
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claireg
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| Posted: Feb 02 2009 at 12:44pm | IP Logged
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I also have a 2 and 1/2 year old daughter and a baby (8 months old now). My daughter is also extremely sensitive and has been having a very difficult adjustment to being a big sister. She loves her brother but misses me. She cries a lot, stutters when she is stressed and exhibits a variety of other extreme stress behaviors. I also wonder if my daughter is depressed (and it's been EIGHT months!). My pediatrician suggested that i put her in day care, which is not an option that makes sense to me. I have been trying to spend as much time with her as possible, which has helped. Unfortunately, if I get angry with her or have a day where I can't spend as much time with her the stress behaviors manifest again.
So, all this to say....I just understand what you're saying and find it incredibly difficult. I imagine time will help. (I hope!)
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Angie Mc
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Hi Nicole and congratulations on your growing family!
Yes, I see all of these behaviors as within the realm of normal. I like Mary's idea of following up on physical concerns with a care provider. In addition to that, it might help to reframe things. Instead of lumping your concerns together and seeing depression, choose a behavior or two that seem most pressing and find a way to address each. For example, if she doesn't want to play alone right now, perhaps its because she isn't finding anything in particular interesting to do alone - you could be one activity away from solving this. Or perhaps you can just drop the worry about playing by herself and just do everything possible together for awhile (is your infant in a sling or other carrier? that might help.) Having been in a very similar situation, I finally just "filled the love tank" which means I gave the child a ton of attention and followed the child's lead until the child was ready to leave me. It was hard work but I look back on those days with great fondness now  .
Praying for you, that you can find what is needed for your family.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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StephanieA
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| Posted: Feb 02 2009 at 4:13pm | IP Logged
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I have a 5 year old daughter that acutely struggles with this. She still sleeps with me, wants me very much during the day. Her 2 year old brother is not this needy.
We have 6 others, so this child gets lost in the shuffle at times. It is a struggle....daily....to try and meet her needs without going a bit bongy 
That said, she can be extremely affectionate and compassionate. I think these kids just FEEL everything a bit more than others. This can be great and wonderful, but downright exasperating at times. I know
that it helps to get my daughter to bed at a decent time, but other than that, it is part of her personality.
I have/ am trying to accept each of my kid's personalities as gifts from God for a purpose. But...the neediness sometimes just gets to me.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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teachingmyown
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Congratulations Nicole! I was just reading your lovely blog.
I agree with the other comments. It really just sounds like an adjustment period. My oldest was four when my second was born so his acting out was easier to understand and work on. It sounds like your little girl is pretty verbal, but she probably doesn't understand why she is feeling sad.
Angie's point about wearing the baby is good. If you can get him strapped on so that you can really give undivided attention to your little girl for longer periods, she will probably relax some.
I would say evaluate a day now compared to before he was born. Were you more active, i.e. going for walks, to parks, play dates? If your daughter sees that her routine is disrupted by baby, it will take a little while for her to adjust. Maybe just being able to say things like, "When it gets a little warmer and the baby gets a little bigger, won't it be fun to start going to the park again?" Also, maybe you can verbalize what you suspect her disappointments are? "Honey, I know that I keep getting up to change/feed the baby while we are playing dolls, but Mommy is still right here and I love playing with you..." Also, maybe talk about what you did for her as a baby and how much you loved that time but love the time with her now as a big girl.
Does that all sound too sappy, psycho-babble-ish?
One more idea: really talk up how much the baby likes his big sister, especially as he starts interacting. She will feel important and not like a spectator.
Big hugs to you! This is such an exciting and hard time for your young family!!
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dawn2006
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only have one hand:
i suspect that this behavior was present before and simply comes to the surface more often now b/c she's not the only child and your attention is more divided kwim??
ETA: I was trying to just be reassuring cuz I think the behavior itself can be normal for the age so you probably don't have to worry that you've done something that caused her to feel pushed away. In the past you were probably able to better head off the negative feelings before they became troublesome to you but now it's harder to do with the baby. But I guess that's all part of the Great Juggle of having more than one, eh??
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nicole marie
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| Posted: Feb 06 2009 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all so very much for your kind words! They have been such a help to me and I am seeing definite results!
I have been focusing on filling her "love tank" in little ways and giving her special treatment when I can. Now that the baby is on a more predictable schedule, my daughter and I really look forward to his morning nap because that means alone time for us. This, in and of itself, has been hugely helpful! That time with her seems to give her the momentem to get through the day.
StephanieA, I agree, I think that the sensitivity is a part of her personality, so I am really trying to embrace it as you suggested. Funny enough, her personality is identical to mine and is probably why I sometimes have a hard time with it.
Molly, your suggestions on really talking her through this period were very helpful! If I am nursing the baby, and my daughter needs me, I just explain that I will be with her as soon as I am done and that seems to satisfy her. I just have to make sure that I follow up with her as soon as possible, so that she trusts me when I tell her that. :)
Thank you so much for being so reassuring, Dawn! I think you were right, with one it was easier to see negative behaviors and head them off at the pass, now it takes a bit more time. But I am getting there.
Yesterday, she had been at Grandma's house for the day and when she came home, she went straight to where the baby was laying, gave him a loud kiss and a long hug and told him that she missed him and loved him very much. That made my day and made me feel like maybe things are looking up after all!
Thank you all so very much!!!
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God Bless!
Wife to DH and Mommy to one DD (07/28/06) and one DS (11/26/08)!
Little Things
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teachingmyown
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__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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dawn2006
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Yay!
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Depressed Toddler
