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Lisbet
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| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 6:52am | IP Logged
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When someone asks you if your are 'done'. Or when you are out alone or with just a few kiddos and you are asked if 1. This is your first or 2. If they are 'all' yours.
I've been getting these questions alot lately, and they are asked in a very very rude tone. My replies have been muttery and sloppy. I would like to be charitable, yet confident, but I come across as a bumbling fool.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Angi
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I just answer honestly.
The other day I was out with a friend, there were 3 adults and 6 kids. We were asked if it was a daycare. 4 girls were mine and she has 2 boys.
My least fave is "better you than me" - with regards to twins. I always answer, that I agree!
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crusermom
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I just want to leave the encounter with the other person knowing that I have a large family and I think it is a blessing from God. Often people will roll their eyes and tell me that they couldn't handle two kids. I tell them that I found two children challenging at times and it has actually is easier with more.
I actually find that where we live now - South Texas - I rarely get comments. The culture here is different and it is not that unusual to see bigger families. We moved here from outside Seattle - people there were not nearly as big family friendly.
A priest once told me to think of it as the Ministry of the Marketplace. Whether you like it or not, everywhere you go you are representing the Church and her teachings. So, smile and be charitable. Think of a few things to say ahead of time - you know the comments are coming. Often people say something dumb to you because they don't know what to say - I mean - the old - don't you know what causes that?? line.
Your little ones are so close in age you must never get out without all or most of them. As for the details of how many children I have or want - my children are usually fonts of information for strangers. LOL. One told a cashier that I have a baby every two years whether I want to or not.
Mary
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Mary
Army wife and Crusermom to 8 wonderful children!
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joann10
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When I would get the "are you done yet?" comment, I would always say "We still have seats in the van, so I guess we need more  "---
Now people that know me, but not closely, are asking, "When is the next one coming?"--this hurts me soooo much, because there are no more coming (not my choice-but Gods)---I never know what to say to these comments.
I like Mary's suggestion to just be ready to give an answer to these rude people, leave them with a smile, and you and your family will be a great witness to the joy of children and family life.
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 9:43am | IP Logged
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Are you done yet?
I don't know.
Are they all yours?
Yes.
or
No, just half of them. (or whatever)
I find the best thing to do is answer briefly and appear busy - which of course you are - and just moving on...
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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KackyK
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I haven't gotten the courage to do this yet...but dh thinks I should then as the exact same question to them.
So for are you done yet, say I don't know, are you?
For are they all yours? say yes and where are all of yours?
For you must have your hands full? say yes, and are yours not?
He said if they are bold enough to ask, they must be open enough to being asked back! HA!
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KackyK
Mom to 8 - 3 dd, 5ds & 4 babes in heaven
Beginning With the Assumption
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JodieLyn
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I'm sure they are Kacky, how many people would tell you at the drop of a hat.. "I couldn't handle anymore so I had my dh fixed/my tubes tied" I prefer not to give them the opportunity to say anything about their choices.
The last time I had someone (friendly actually) asking if we were done I told them I don't know but dh was joking about having 12 by our 25th anniversary. I think my dh goes with the shock factor.. 
I don't normally get too many comments about "is this your first" living in a small town too many people know me. But there was a clerk with my last pregnancy that was new to town and asked me.. I was writing the check for my purchases and so said oh so very casually.. hmmmm no, eighth. And then looked up and grinned. That was fun. I don't get those shocked looks and that type of comment often at all.
I do get the "you sure have your hands full", and "how many are there" and "are they all yours".. though the last time I was getting the are they all yours type of comments it was at a museum which would have been used to field trips.. so first was the shock that I had all 8 kids by myself (I guess field trips more adults to kids than I do), they were quite well behaved so that was also commented on.. and then that they were all mine. By the time we left I was each new exhibit that had people to talk to, said almost identical things.. so I told my dh that I was apparently the "amazing mom of 8" 
So anyway, I guess I just answer the question as simply as possible
"are they all yours?" my answer "yes" with a big grin.. Is this your first?" my answer "no *insert correct number*" and grin
and I've gotten the "you've got your hand full" comment so much that I've taken to just smiling and nodding at the person and that's it.. it acknowledges their comment if they're just being friendly and if they're real friendly they usually say something else that is more comfortable to answer.. otherwise it interupts my errands less and I haven't had to be rude either.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JodieLyn
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oh and in your case Lisa.. and the "are you done yet" you can always grin and indicate your pregnant belly and say "not yet"
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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PDyer
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| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 11:35am | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
| When someone asks you if your are 'done'. |
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I hear this question because I am of a certain age...ahem. I answer, "I would be overjoyed to have another child!", repeating as necessary, because...that's the truth.
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Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
Life at Home
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LisaR
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I've learned that people LOVE to talk about themsleves. so I turn the tables and ask how many kids they have, how old, comment "they grow up so fast, don't they", and many times they are sentimental and even sometimes verbalizing "wow, I wish I had had one more" by the end!!
Once it even led to me helping a woman find a Vas. reversal Dr for her dh!! 
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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missionfamily
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Imagine me with my five little boys in tow and my now obvious pregnant belly...If one more person says in front of my kids, "I sure hope this is a girl..." I think I'm going to scream...and the whole "you must be a saint thing"...one day I'm waiting for one of my kids to pipe up and tell them the truth about me! The biggest problem for me,is that being out and about drains me as it is, and these kindsof comments for some reason turn me into an overwhelmed drippy mess. I always just want to climb into my van, get home and hide for a few days. I never seem to be able to respond intelligently.
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Colleen
dh Greg
mom to Quinn,Gabriel, Brendan,Evan, Kolbe, and sweet St. Bryce
Footprints on the Fridge
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Lisbet
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Colleen, that's the problem I'm having myself lately. I was alone at Target yesterday (rare!) buying a few cute baby dresses, the cashier asked me if it was my first and when I said no, (I had hoped to leave it at that) she asked how many I had. When I said 10, she didn't believe me!!! I had no idea what to say besides "yes, it's true" while she went on and on at how insane I must be.
I used to feel like I could handle it, but right now, I just can't deal. I really try to avoid eye contact and oftentimes pray that no one talks to me!
Once when someone said something about me being a saint, one of my children said "Well, at least not till she dies".
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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oh Lisa (((HUG))) that's so annoying about the cashier.
for you to Colleen ((HUG))
it's so hard when you're feeling at the end of your rope BEFORE they even start.
Though I know a friend with all boys that will answer that type of comment with "I hope not, I wouldn't be able to use all those hand me downs"
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Martha
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| Posted: Jan 06 2009 at 12:39pm | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
Colleen, that's the problem I'm having myself lately. I was alone at Target yesterday (rare!) buying a few cute baby dresses, the cashier asked me if it was my first and when I said no, (I had hoped to leave it at that) she asked how many I had. When I said 10, she didn't believe me!!! I had no idea what to say besides "yes, it's true" while she went on and on at how insane I must be.
I used to feel like I could handle it, but right now, I just can't deal. I really try to avoid eye contact and oftentimes pray that no one talks to me!
Once when someone said something about me being a saint, one of my children said "Well, at least not till she dies". |
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oh my, I think this is a different thing from the norm of the comments we get. I don't cope well when pregnant either. It's so gard remembering how thrilled everyone was, even those nutty cashiers, when it's your first one or two. But I guess I'm just a bit more sensitive when pregnant b/c it's so disheartening to hear nothing good about the baby we're actually thrilled to be having. I know we shouldn't take it personal. I know it's a sign of how sad and sick our society is about family and children.
It still stinks and hurts though doesn't it?
When someone does that to me when pregnant, I try to say what I wish I had heard. At least I can hear myself saying it, kwim?
"OMG that's crazy! I could never do that! Do you know the Duggars?! NO way?! You gave birth to ALL of them?!"
Me:
"Love is a crazy thing but we're happy in our insanity!"
"No, I didn't do it all on my own. The have the best daddy in the world and I couldn't manage a day without him."
"No, I don't know the Duggars." (I have no idea why people think that everyone with a large family knows the Duggars personally or even each other personally. Do they think we all live in a commune or something?)
I think that's probably the thing I miss the most between my first dc and these later dc. Except for a few good catholic homeschooling friends, it's very rare for me to hear a positive comment about the newest baby. Even those who think they are saying something "cute" or "funny" have no idea how hurtful they can be.
I used to think it was because my kids weren't well enough behaved or something, but it's not that. Like you noted, even when it's just my pregnant self people can't just say a simple "congrats!" or "how exciting" or "what a joy" or whatever.
Actually, I find the best thing to do is develop a phobia. Seriously. I almost never go to wacko-marts/grocery stores without dh. (I don't know why, but these places are the WORST for rude people to come out of the woodwork and approach me?) It's really funny b/c dh is probably one of the nicest hard to offend people I know, but people rarely approach me with rudeness when he is by my side.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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chrisv664
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Someone recently asked if my 5yo, Hannah, was my last and I said 'No, she's the youngest".
Also, when people ask how many children I have, I say "Six, so far". That usually ends the questioning.
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Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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stefoodie
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I got a doozy from an aunt-in-law 2 days before #5 was born. She goes, "So are you going to get "fixed" now?"
My knee-jerk response: "Oh no, that's not in fashion here." She goes, "Oh."
Then we switched to talking about the weather, etc.
(Just for the record, my aunt-in-law is the sweetest thing, and loves her own three grown kids so very much, but like many she has been poorly catechized, and thinks ligation is just something people do when they've had "enough".)
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stef
mom to five
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Red Cardigan
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Lisbet, that sort of thing is different from the "are they all yours," "are you done," sort of thing from casual strangers; that's annoying, but I draw the line at someone whose job it is to serve me making remarks.
I had a cashier do that when mine were little (and there are only three of them, but she was commenting on how close in age they were). I noted her name on her name tag, went home, called the store, asked for the manager on duty, and told her very calmly how I was annoyed and disgusted to have personal comments made about my family in front of my children by a cashier when it was none of her business and was extremely rude. The manager agreed with me that this was out of line and assured me the cashier would be trained properly to assure that she wouldn't make inappropriate remarks in future.
Even if you don't remember the cashier's name, you can call or write the store and let them know you don't appreciate such comments being made by store employees. Managers do not want their customers harassed by clerks, and do want to be told when an unpleasant atmosphere has been created for customers.
As for the random jerks, I recall them from my own childhood (second of nine). Funniest moments--when my mom told a couple (older man, young blond woman) that one day she'd have grandchildren and memories while they'd just have syphilis, and the time my dad and a friend's dad ushered a group of us kids (their family and ours) into a pizza restaurant to wait for our respective moms to join us; to the clerk's astonished questions my friend's dad said, "Oh, sure! We're gay, and we've adopted all these kids!" The clerk was silenced--and pretty embarrassed when the two moms showed up!
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Betsy
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I feel like I can't even comment here because I only have 4 boys. However, I went to a Major Jewelry store to pick up my engagement ring being re-sized.
Upon all of us entering the store the "greeter" type person looked at me and said in a snide tone, "Are you here to trade your children in for diamonds!" I look her straight in the eye and said, "Oh, these children are MUCH MORE precious then diamonds!!!!"
Let's just say, if I wasn't picking something up. We would have turned around and left.....
Betsy
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folklaur
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Betsy wrote:
| I feel like I can't even comment here because I only have 4 boys. |
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See -in my opinion - that is a problem too. "Only" four boys. I have "only" three children. Why do I feel the need to say "only"? Is my family somehow less-than a family with 6 or 8 or 10? Less in number maybe, but that is all. I have felt the need to justify having "only" three - explaining my health issues or whatnot. But that is just as wrong as feeling the need to explain having many. It really is no one else's business, either way.   IMO. Back to the regularly scheduled conversation....
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folklaur
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Red Cardigan wrote:
| when my mom told a couple (older man, young blond woman) that one day she'd have grandchildren and memories while they'd just have syphilis |
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Ew.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you answer (lg. family comments)
