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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Nov 28 2008 at 3:00pm | IP Logged
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Do any of you all feel as if your kids have stopped listening to you since you are around them all day? Mine have gotten into very disrespectful ways of answering lately, or they are fighting with each other more. I can't quite figure out where to even begin with them since they were doing normally well a few ages/stages ago, but now the older ones are, well older! I can't quite figure out how to start "a-new" with them and with their new stages/ages. Should I make a new "set of rules" and consequences? I feel in a slump with them and feel as if I have lost authority saying the SAME thing OVER AND OVER each day. Maybe I am not providing enough follow through with consequences??? Any tips on dealing with older kids and discipline? I sort of feel as if they think, "Yeah Mom, whatever. BIG DEAL", these days when I correct them on something. Or, they KEEP doing the SAME bad things day after day. Come up with something new already!  I must admit that they are a little intimidating to deal with since I am not a confrontational person. Is it inevitable that it will always be a battleground with teen-agers? It is quite stressful. I try to keep it in perspective that I was MUCH WORSE at their ages, but I guess I thought they would be "different" having had such careful tending in this little garden. 
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Nov 29 2008 at 12:38am | IP Logged
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Kim, no words of advice. I know exactly what you are saying. I am sitting here in the middle of the night, trying to figure out where it went so wrong in my home. Whatever you do, keep those boys close to you!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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monique
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| Posted: Nov 29 2008 at 9:22am | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
| Kim, no words of advice. I know exactly what you are saying. I am sitting here in the middle of the night, trying to figure out where it went so wrong in my home. Whatever you do, keep those boys close to you! |
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I wonder the same exact thing day after day, Molly. Especially with the older two. They fight constantly. It is really disruptive to the entire family. I worry so much about them.
You are not alone, Kim. I'm hoping someone will have some words of wisdom. I'll be watching.....
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Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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Ruth
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| Posted: Nov 29 2008 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
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Kim, do you have Hold On to Your Kids? I have a copy I can lend you, very well loved and highlighted. You can also read Discipline Without Distress. I don't have that one, but you can get it from the library. I'll talk to you soon.
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Ruth
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My family blog
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Red Cardigan
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| Posted: Nov 30 2008 at 11:50pm | IP Logged
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Kim, I only have three dd's myself, ages almost 13, almost 12, and ten. I think with girls the dynamics are different, b/c they so much want the "grown-up" privileges. There's some bickering on occasion but no more than normal for siblings, KWIM? But I'm still looking for ways to get more "joyful help" and fewer sighs and grumblings when I ask them to pitch in--I think we always have to readjust things as our dear children grow older and need different motivations.
I'm from a large family (2nd of 9), and have a sister with seven boys, and I remember my mom reading about how the Romans would take their sons out of school and send them to live on a farm for a few years between the ages of 11 and 14 or so, and she sighed and said, "Now why didn't I think of that."  My sister would agree! Boys can be a little harder to figure out, I think.
One thing my parents did for a little while was to reward good behavior (completed chore chart, no fighting, etc.) with a Saturday morning alone with my dad. We each got a turn to go alone with him to a movie or the library or something, and have lunch at McD's or someplace like it--a real treat as it wasn't something we ordinarily got to do. While I know that we all enjoyed earning this treat, it probably meant the most to my brothers, who got pretty competitive about their chores for a while if I remember correctly!
One more thing I think is really important (for boys or girls) is how your DH reacts to things. My dad would scold any of us if we were disrespectful to our mother, and my DH is the same way. Sometimes I think our children need to be reminded by their fathers that we are acting on their behalf even when they aren't home, and that disobeying/disrespecting us is the same as disobeying/disrespecting them.
Prayers coming your way! 
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MarilynW
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| Posted: Dec 01 2008 at 6:27am | IP Logged
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I am hoping that Jennifer (jenmack) is going to chime in here. She always has very wise advice for me - something she said to me last week really struck - that there is always a reason that children are misbehaving and fighting and often we have to stop and regroup and figure out why. I know with mine it is when I am not fully present for them - and I am really working on this. I am also reading the books Ruth mentioned as well as another one called Unconditional Parenting. Another thing I have started doing is to pray over my children at night when they are asleep - and each morning say the prayers from Donna Marie Cooper O'Boyle's "Prayerbook for Mothers"
I also agree with the suggestion of Dad's discipline - my children really listen to their dad and at times (like now) when I feel so tired and nauseous he really is involved to keep things going.
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Dec 02 2008 at 2:35pm | IP Logged
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Good idea to pray at night for the kids. I often do this too, but perhaps I should DO MORE!
I do have the "Hold On To Your Kids" book, Ruth. It seems so hard to digest it! Maybe I will try the other book you mention!
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Dec 03 2008 at 2:34pm | IP Logged
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Kim - I know exactly what you mean. It seems like just when we get a handle on behavior, we get up one morning and siblings are fighting, attitudes are flaring and my head is spinning. Chaos takes over, I become a more reactive parent, and that always means I'm losing my temper way too much. I am definitely *not* the expert - I only have 4 and my oldest is just shy of 12 - but I am learning as I parent that as each child grows in independence new needs present themselves and new challenges must be dealt with. I think God is trying to teach me that it's less about throwing punishment around in some sort of survival manner (which I do when I am overwhelmed) and more about helping each individual child - empowering them with the spiritual, emotional and physical tools to work through their challenges.
I grew up in a very strict home where action = consequence. And I'm not saying anything is wrong with that, but I'm learning as I parent that I parent more effectively and my children respond more generously when I can quietly figure out the "why" behind the action and try to help my littles and middles deal with that "why" rather than just meet out punishment hand over fist. There are some days, though... You know the ones.
When behavior issues start to take center stage, I generally know something is up first with me. I either haven't been attentive enough to some need, or I'm not present in a way I should be...like being on the computer too much, or the phone, or spending time in a book, --insert your favorite time sucking activity here--  . No matter the reason, I cannot be an effective parent, gentle and helpful, if I am not a quiet, attentive presence. So, I first pull back from all other attention suckers for me and re-focus.
I think I try to sort through one child, one problem at a time. I grant days of mercy commuting sentences if I have punished out of reaction rather than out of justice. That generally gets a child's attention and allows me to be sincere and try to get to the root of a behavior problem. Being attentive and focused allows me to observe if problems are arising out of boredom and perhaps there is just a need for me to provide more opportunities for activity, or if someone is truly troubled by something and is acting out because they lack the vocabulary or positive tool to deal with that challenge/annoyance. I try so hard to really get to know a child through conversations as well as observation. If I am overwhelmed and being a reactive parent, I can't get to know anyone because I'm always two steps behind their latest...and just reacting.
I can't fix everything and I am not naive - I know that with older children come bigger problems. I count on and *beg* for the graces that come to me through the Sacrament of Marriage. I seek my husbands opinion a lot when I'm overwhelmed by emotion. I take one behavior, one child at a time.
I really need to take a look at the book Ruth recommended - especially with the onset of the teen years.
 to you, Kim!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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hsmom
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| Posted: Dec 03 2008 at 4:50pm | IP Logged
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I had a couple of thoughts to share. One, when dc are/were disrespectful I will give them a chance to do it over, if they are not able to self correct then some form of quick exercise or think it over time is usually enough to get things turned around. If pervasive we may have an "academy" to practice respect or whatever the problem is at the time. An academy is simply an opportunity away from the misbehavior to practice good behavior.
When dc use to annoy one another they would have to do something to make it up to the offended party. My dd actually didn't mind doing stuff for her older brother, but my teenage son grew quite weary of having to read to his little sister. The offended party also got to choose how they wanted their reparation. :)
I'm a big fan of Love and Logic. There are many ideas in that series to choose from for what fits a particular family.
Just my $0.02 worth.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: a fresh start with discipline??
