| Author | |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 7:01am | IP Logged
|
 |
|
This could be a long post, and somewhat disjointed, so I apologize in advance.
Brian and I are expecting our 7th child in just a few weeks... So why am I asking about adoption?
To begin with, I never thought that my family would be built by birth children. I always thought that it would be built through adoption. I was adopted (step-parent), my grandmother was a foster child after the death of her mom, and Nana fostered two children, one of them for three years. There were "female problems" amongst all of her daughters (my 3 aunties and my mother). All of them had hysterectomies by their mid-20s. Nana was 36 when she had hers.
So adoption and infertility were part of life for me from an early age. Brian and I have been disappointed that we haven't been able to adopt. The doors have kept closing - and now that we have a large family, it has become even more difficult. But it remains on our hearts. And we feel so very blessed with the children God has given us. We know that they are meant for something wonderful. They are - every one of them - so generous and enthusiastic about adoption. They are aware, having walked this road with us, of the importance of family, the importance of doing all we can to help other children experience the love and the joy we have in our own home.
I know that God has been keeping us on a very specific path, though I'm not entirely clear where it's leading other than that we are supposed to do something to help children who are waiting for families. We have looked at adoption programs for several countries over the years, and were drawn to a few of them particularly - namely Russia and Kazakhstan. But we kept getting pulled increasingly to look at Poland. I grew up surrounded by Polish culture - the town my grandparents lived in is heavily populated with Polish descendants. My step-mom is 3rd generation American - all four of her grandparents are from Poland, a heritage that she has eagerly and generously shared with my family.
There are 20,000 children waiting for families in Poland. Sibling groups of 3 and more are not uncommon. One fourth of the country lives below the poverty line, which accounts for the high numbers of children in care. Interestingly, Poland is the *only* program we've ever seen with a stated preference for Catholic families, and the adoption fees are lower (much lower in some cases) than other countries' programs.
School-aged children, children with special needs (ranging from very minor to more complex), sibling groups, and boys are all hard-to-place. It is these children that Brian and I are most interested in helping. We've been blessed with the opportunity to have newborn babes and wee ones in our lives, so we don't have a desire to adopt a wee babe. There are so many parents who still long for that experience, and those little ones will always have a list of people waiting to adopt them.
Over the years, I have worked with two different orphan hosting programs - as an event planner, and as a host mom. Those were wonderful, meaningful experiences. Although we were unable to adopt our boys (turned down for a homestudy because we homeschool and our family was "too large"), we saw so clearly how much attitudes were changed about these "hard-to-place" kids. Folks (host families and others) saw that these kids were lovable, smart, and could acclimate nicely to a functional family environment. Of course, they were not without challenges, but overall those were quite manageable.
Which brings me to where we are today... Brian and I have been holding on to an idea whose time has come. We are working to establish an orphan hosting program of our own. The name of our organization is One Family Foundation. We are looking for volunteers to help us with various projects, specifically advocacy and organization.
We need help to:
- raise awareness about Poland's waiting children, including more detailed research work.
- put together the paperwork and channels for the hosting program to work.
- publicize our ministry
- organize at least one regional hosting program sometime in the next 12 months
We are also seeking the talents of at least one social worker, a grantwriter, a lawyer. It would be helpful to have folks who have experience or interest in event planning, fundraising, and PR.
We would also like to hear from adoptive families, especially larger ones. We would like to find social workers willing to write testimonial letters about the wisdom of approving experienced families for adoption of hard-to-place children. We are interested in contacting political leaders in states where family size is arbitrarily limited.
This is an all volunteer effort. Brian and I are funding this with our own money at the moment - principally from the sales of Simple Gifts Magazine, my Home Management Book, and Brian's income from contracting.
We're all so busy here, and I understand that folks are already committed to other things. Perhaps you could help get the word out to other adoptive families you know who might be interested in helping. There is a contact link on the website.
And I ask for your prayers for this project, and for waiting kids everywhere.
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
RyaneM
Forum Pro
Joined: July 13 2006
Location: New York
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 290
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 1:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi Nissa,
I just emailed you.
__________________
Ryane in NY 
Mama to ds (3/05), ds(1/09) and dd (4/10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Oh lovely, Ryane! Thank you for responding!
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 2:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Nissa, is this to be just a Catholic organization for only Catholic families to adopt through?
I have contact with a number of larger families who've adopted or would like to adopt but few of them are Catholic.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 2:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Jodie,
It is important to clarify that we are not an adoption agency. Our job is to organize an orphan hosting program in concert with adoption agencies, to advocate for waiting kids and large adoptive families; and to act as a bridge between the hosting project and adoption agencies to help parents and children become forever families.
We are a Catholic organization, but serve all families, regardless of religion.
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 3:02pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thanks Nissa, I just knew some of these families have worked with some of the people you seem to be looking for.. social workers that have gone to bat for larger families and such.. so I wanted to pass it along. And then they were asking me questions.. and I'm thinking.. I know as much as you do.. probably less because I don't understand it as well as those who've btdt. 
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2008 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you so much, Jodie.
There is an identical post on my blog, too if folks want to read the original for themselves...
We're just in the beginning stages of getting everything together. But sometimes these things take on lives of their own and you're halfway down the road before you realize that you've begun...
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Loren
Forum Pro
Joined: Jan 31 2006
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 121
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 7:49am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Nissa, I'm curious. What exactly is an orphan hosting program. What is expected of the host families and how does that lead to adoption?
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 8:15am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Hi Loren,
An orphan hosting program works with an adoption agency to bring orphaned children - children who are waiting for adoption - to stay with American families for several weeks - anywhere from 2-6 weeks.
We try to organize groups of families that are geographically close enough to arrange activities for the kids/families throughout the hosting period. This also facilitate the orientation process for the families before the kids arrive, and makes it possible for other families interested in international adoption to attend an event and meet the families and the kids.
Kids are chosen by the orphanage and agency together based upon that child's ability to acclimate to normal family life. Consequently, these kids generally have fewer adjustment issues, though there are always some. Imagine yourself in their situation...
Parents go through an orientation process and a truncated "home-study" process. We work with local homestudy agencies to provide these services pro-bono, if at all possible. Otherwise the program must raise money to cover it. If a family should choose to pursue the adoption of their hosted child/children, there is already an established relationship with the homestudy agency, which smooths the process out quite a bit. The agency also has a WONDERFUL opportunity to observe a family in a very natural way (they attend the events throughout the hosting period to answer questions, etc.)
In addition, we work with local pediatricians and other medical personnel to provide medical care - some of the kids in the programs I have worked with have had dental work, minor corrective procedures, eyeglasses... Again, we request that this work be taken on a pro-bono basis. We will also be working to issue travelers medical insurance cards. These are handy in case of an emergency.
Chaperones from the orphanage are chosen to accompany each group of children. Chaperones make a round robin of the families (one week at a time), or are hosted by a single family for the duration. He or she (usually a lady) is available by telephone to speak to children as comfort, to conference with parents and social workers, and to help clarify anything that might come up. They sometimes speak English well, but all of them try very hard to learn. It's actually a lot of fun to learn to communicate. At least it was for me.
Translators are also organized, both for the parents' benefit and for the child's. Translators are also handy when the chaperon doesn't speak English well. We had many a three way telecon over the most interesting stuff. "He says he wants another serving of ice cream". LOL. Ahhh!
At the end of the hosting period, the children return to their home country. Often church groups will collect clothing and supplies to send back with them. That's when the official adoption process can begin if the child and family have bonded well. Often the in-country stay requirements are waived by the judge in the child's country because you have met or exceeded their requirements for bonding time through the hosting process. That's never a guarantee, however.
Groups of families work together to help raise funds locally to cover the costs of the children's and chaperons' travel. They are given several options and plenty of support for doing that. In our case, local Polish Clubs can be extremely helpful with that, too.
Even if a host family chooses not to adopt, the experience is second to none. My heart grew SO much through the experience. It is SO wonderful.
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
RyaneM
Forum Pro
Joined: July 13 2006
Location: New York
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 290
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 8:55am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Nissa,
Our agency (The Gladney Center) hosts older children from Russia and Ethiopia in the US each summer. They have these "Bright Futures Camps" in Texas and in Long Island. They have been really sucessful in placing older children/teens this way.
Actually, there was a sibling group of 3 Ethiopian teens (15,16 & 18, I think) that just came home to their forever family last week. These kids almost certainly would not have been adopted, without the exposure from the camp, due to their age.
__________________
Ryane in NY
Mama to ds (3/05), ds(1/09) and dd (4/10)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Helen
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 03 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2826
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Nissag wrote:
| we saw so clearly how much attitudes were changed about these "hard-to-place" kids. Folks (host families and others) saw that these kids were lovable, smart, and could acclimate nicely to a functional family environment. Of course, they were not without challenges, but overall those were quite manageable. |
|
|
Nissa, I have to agree that there seems to be a bias among social workers regarding large families. It does seem that large families do not receive the same consideration that smaller families do. However, there are also valid reasons that large families will not be chosen to accept older sibling groups and other children with special needs.
Your subject line caught my eye:
Adoptive Moms please respond...
You know already Nissa that I have six adopted children. I also experienced many failed adoptions (six). I have had the privilege of hearing intimate details of difficult adoptions so I share my experience of the past 12 years.
It is extremely advisible not to break birth order. If a large family has many young children, younger than the prospective adoptees, it is wise for this family to be “turned down.” Traumatized children can spread their trauma to the younger set. This can be in the form of emotional duress and much, much worse. It may be better to wait until the birth children are all older than the adoptee.
A large family may not have the physical space required for the older adoptive child. This child often has to be separated from the rest of the family while he works out his past in silence and peace. He may not have the basic of social skills to work with others. He may have a low tolerance for noise and disruptions.
These may seem like manageable problems but when lived on a daily basis, they make living an ordinary life difficult. Many of these children are in wheel chairs that can not be seen – not until you live with them for a while. If one has many other children, the problems can seem very overwhelming.
The charm and brightness of older adoptive children can also be deceptive. You might think, this child will learn so quickly but the lessons they have learned from others are not given up overnight or easily. Sometimes, they just don’t give up their past. I am reminded of the expression:
God always fogives,
man sometimes forgives,
nature never forgives.
Good medical insurance is also important. When doctors don’t know genetic background they want to order a lot of tests. Often these children need physical therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy, speech therapy and educational therapy. These therapies need to be attended to several times a week, usually out of the home. This requires a lot of time which the large family may not have to spend on one child. (Multiply this if we're talking of a sibling group.)
Older children’s teeth are usually in horrible shape. I would say dental insurance is an absolute must.
I think it is also important to remember that there are such things as “disrupted adoptions.” Sometimes, even a good, even an excellent family, goes through the great pain of saying “this child cannot fit in.”
It is probably helpful to get to know the children first but the most important thing to know is that God is calling an adoptive mom to *this* sacrifice. Through lots of prayer and wise counsel, a mom can discover God's Will.
I'll pray for your endeavor.
__________________
Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2008 at 4:12pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm learning a lot from this topic. My family is 10 months into getting licensed to foster-to-adopt with the state and it has been a rough road. Even though dh and I have much education and work experience with the mental health issues of older children who have been removed from their families, it pales in comparison to the reality of what we are considering.
Praying for all who are working to discern God's will about adopting...
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisa R
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 29 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 789
|
| Posted: Nov 20 2008 at 4:12pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Very timely thread for me as dh and I discern beginning the process of another adoption.
Thank you so much, Helen, for your wise words. I so wish I could sit down with you and a cup of tea and ask all my millions of adoption questions.  Unfortunately, we live on opposite sides of the country for now.  Maybe someday....
__________________
God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Nov 20 2008 at 4:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wanted to respond to your post Helen. I think you were missing the point I was trying to make and that is that I feel that social workers and states laws are guided by a general rule of thumb, which may certainly have wisdom in it, but can not be applied to all families. It often is. My argument is that each family must have the opportunity to be studied to see if they can overcome common challenges.
In my involvement with adoption (including being an adopted child), I know about attachment disorder and the various results of emotional and physical traumas. I think it is very unfair to classify all waiting children as potential problems. I think it is unfair to present potential challenges in a light that scares families away from adoption of older kids.
Birth parents can experience a whole host of problems - emotional, physical, and mental. And they aren't nearly as well prepared for those eventualities/potentialities as adoptive parents are. Yet, they handle them with grace and strength, and don't say no to life because of them. They seek out support as any prudent parent would. It's always been a mystery to me that a willing parent of a child waiting should be turned down because their family doesn't fit a mold. heaven forbid a government or private agency should ever apply those same standards to families built through birth.
Are there families that are not safe for children? Yes, most certainly. Are there children who need extra help? Absolutely. But I think that it is wrong, very, very wrong, to assume that a child is not adoptable by a willing family; or that a family is not worthy based upon a set of general criteria.
The kids in orphan hosting programs, are chosen based upon an evaluation that determines their adaptability to functional family life. And the families are fairly evaluated for their ability to parent, regardless of size.
I've known large families built by birth, adoption, or a combination. One family of 13 (my husband's cousin), one of 14, and two of 18. There have been challenges, but I think that it up to the family to decide whether they are willing to meet them, and the social worker to ascertain their actual ability to meet them. It's not for a government or social worker to outright stamp a family or child with what I will call a 'reject" label.
I have also known families (also Brian's cousin for one) who have adopted out of birth order. I disagree that it is a problem. That just hasn't been my experience. I happen to feel that agencies that use this rule are being foolish, including our state's DSS. It is incredible to me that there are so many waiting kids, and agencies (private and public) spend millions to complain about the lack of available parents, yet they will turn down willing and able families because of family size and birth order.
In the end, my original post was about One Family Foundation, and our efforts. I didn't mean to get into this discussion. And I apologize if I've come across as bitter or angry. I am hurt - as a child that would certainly have been labeled as a "problem", as a parent who wants to love a child, as a woman who experienced the heartbreak of a failed adoption and its effects on two little boys who wanted to stay with us, and whom we loved.
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Helen
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 03 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2826
|
| Posted: Nov 20 2008 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Here's a post which outlinesmy personal adoption rules
When I first began my adoption journey, I found social workers to be very difficult. Their timing wasn't my timing. I look back now and appreciate the lessons I learned from them. I think it is important to find a good social worker -- one who will advocate for you and your child. In the final analysis, the Lord is the Giver of Life and His Will is seen in the adoption process despite the many trials.
I think one very important piece of advice which came from a social worker was that an adoptive parent needs to define his/her own adoption parameters before meeting perspective children. Once you meet a child, it is very easy to throw caution to the wind and proceed without prudence.
I wanted to share my adoption experience in the hopes that prospective adoptive parents would have both sides of this issue.
I think knowing the "rules" of the social workers helps to navigate the deep and often stormy waters of adoption. I do not believe they are hard and fast rules but each adoptive parent needs to decide for himself/herself if their family can tolerate such risk.
__________________
Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Please respond - Adoptive Mamas
