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insegnante
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Anyone troubled to find herself becoming severely annoyed by how much a child talks? I also have trouble figuring out what is just selfish of me and what is reasonable when it comes to limiting our 6yo's talking for his own good (social skills?) and the family's. I feel like he may not be getting enough positive feelings from his relationship with me because it is hard to produce a genuine-looking smile when I feel so weary and impatient with the chatter. He is my only child who speaks in adult-style language yet (sorry, must be a better term for that) so I am not really sure how typical this is of just life with children. I was the youngest by 11 years and lived in a house with just my widowed mother from the age of 9, and I'm an introvert, so I'm definitely not one of the mothers best equipped for constant auditory input from kids.
He frequently jumps in with other stuff in the middle of conversations while parents are not actually uttering words at that very moment. He also has a lot of commentary on things that lead me to believe I have given him the impression he is part of the decision-making committee around here.
I feel like it is hard to have a conversation at all with my husband when our 6yo is awake or often to even say anything and be heard at all because while I am forming the word he will start up saying something else before I can make a sound. I'm also having to tell him to let his language-delayed brother have a chance for me to listen to him now that he is communicating more and more verbally.
I mean, I have never said anything close to this to him but I get so irritated that a phrase like "Will you just shut up already!" pops into my head sometimes  when I merely hear him starting up again. I sometimes ask more calmly but sometimes it is instead in between like an exasperated/whiny "Will you please just stop talking for a while!" That comes when I'm almost on the verge of tears, though. I ask calmly if I have a "reason" like I am specifically doing something I have to concentrate on but he doesn't seem to remember to stop for the entire time I'm busy. We sometimes do send the kids to play down the hall so we can talk to each other.
Any thoughts? (At least if no one has any I'll still be able to delete this post if I find myself horrified later that I went ahead and posted it!)
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JodieLyn
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don't be horrified Theresa.. partly there is a stage where they talk a huge amount and partly it's personality.. and I think also some of it has to do with being the oldest.
I don't have a lot of time right this minute to post but wanted to encourage you..
My oldest when she was about that age.. 6-7 ish.. I laid in bed listening to her.. every other person in the house was asleep and my dh and I were laying in bed in the dark and we could hear her talking.. all by herself.. in the dark.. in her bed.. for TWENTY MINUTES before she gave up and fell asleep 
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Servant2theKing
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Some tips for dealing for highly verbal children:
Teach them to hold your hand if they want to say something while others are speaking...assure them that they will have a chance to speak when others are finished. The hand holding seems to help them feel connected until they are able to share their thoughts.
Is it possible to let them speak on the phone with a grandparent or some other special person in their life? Spreading the wealth of verbal chatter to others who would appreciate such interaction can greatly relieve a frustrated parent. Our highly verbal granddaughter spends "talk time" with us on the phone and it is one of the highlights of our life!
A tape recorder can help satisfy the need for verbalization without the constant need of an audience.
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organiclilac
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I sometimes tell my son that I would just like some quiet time, and put on some music or something (like a Jim Weiss CD) for him to listen to. Or I send him outside to play. I have the hardest time when he is telling me about Pokemon (gee, thanks BIL) or something like that that I just do NOT care about. It is so hard for me to not tell him that I am not even remotely interested in what he has to say.
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anniemm
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Oh dear...I can relate to this also. My oldest daughter is only 4, but her verbal skills and vocabulary is amazing. She talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. And constantly interrupts adult conversations.
She has a very sanguine temperament, just like my DH. She also talks to anyone, anywhere. I am pretty extremely introverted and melancholic, so dealing with this personality is particularly hard for me! She and I are just so different (the talking, and as I posted below, the love language of touch).
I don't think I have any advice. But I hope someone does and I am thankful you posted about this!
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Bridget
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I have a house full of talkers. I have no problem telling them I can't listen right now, please go play/sweep/pick up/ ride your bike... whatever. When Kevin and I need to talk, either because it's important or we just need a few minutes to re-connect, I have no problem shooing them out the door or to the playroom.
I WILL stop what I'm doing to listen when i sense the child really needs me or there is something bigger behind what they are saying. And often they can chatter nearby me and it does not disturb me. But my brain does need a rest from it sometimes. 
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mary theresa
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anniemm wrote:
Oh dear...I can relate to this also. My oldest daughter is only 4, but her verbal skills and vocabulary is amazing. She talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. And constantly interrupts adult conversations.
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Oh, man. This is exactly my TWO AND A HALF year old!! It's totally weird to me -- who's like when they are only two!? I just know its only going to get worse. My husband is already horrified by how much she talks and how we can't talk without including her. When we say, "be quiet" to her she disolves into tears of indignations and is REALLY offended.
She just gets louder and LOUDER when we ignore her.
*Sigh*
I need advice too. She's only two, so you can't really reason with her.
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doris
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My 4yo dd is very, very, very chatty. Worse than that, she requires lots of responses. So, if I say 'Thank you', she says 'That's ok,' and then expects me to say something in return... It's absolutely exhausting! However, with her I realise that it's simply a desire for attention and a reaction to the arrival of her baby brother. So I do try to listen to her, get on her level, give her attention -- and then send her off to play when I'm losing it...
I would really second the hand on arm technique for 'good' interruptions. She puts her hand on my arm if I'm talking, I put my hand on top of hers, and then she knows I'll turn to her when I get a chance. Works for read-alouds, too.
I can't quite remember now in my sleep-deprived fog, but I think my eldest was also like this. I'm guessing that they do grow out of it, at least to some extent.
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DominaCaeli
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mary theresa wrote:
anniemm wrote:
Oh dear...I can relate to this also. My oldest daughter is only 4, but her verbal skills and vocabulary is amazing. She talks and talks and talks and talks and talks. And constantly interrupts adult conversations.
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Oh, man. This is exactly my TWO AND A HALF year old!! It's totally weird to me -- who's like when they are only two!? I just know its only going to get worse. |
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I'm glad you joined in, Mary Theresa--this is exactly what I was thinking! My daughter just turned two, and she talks almost non-stop whenever I am in eyesight. She does "spend" some of her words on her brother, and she talks to herself and her dolls a lot, but I'm usually her conversation partner. (Funnily enough, we can't even get her to say a quick "hello" to strangers!)
I'm happy to help her develop her verbal skills, and I love her sweet lisping voice, but I'm an introvert and would love a few minutes of quiet once and awhile.  And I'm imagining what the future years will bring...
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Fuzzy
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I am reading this eagerly. My DD sounds JUST like yours, Andrea! My DD is almost 4 and talks non-stop! I wonder often if it is the age/gender/attention. Most of her questions start with "why" and I know she is not REALLY asking why, but just talking, but I start to feel like I am a dumb mommy - often my answer is "I don't know"!  My DH says I should come up with witty or silly responses, but I am not that quick, and I know she asks questions to learn, and isn't that part of homeschooling? But I have to admit, I have that SAME thought VERY often, Theresa!
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 Fuzzy
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organiclilac
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Fuzzy wrote:
| Most of her questions start with "why" |
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Oh, I'd give anything for "why" questions! At least they have answers (even if I'm not in the mood to give them). Ds prefers "what if" questions, as in, "What if a hammer dressed up as a porcupine?" Yes, he actually asked that once. AND WANTED AN ANSWER!!! "What if everything in the world was made of tar?" "What if your nose was on your feet?" "What if blue looked yellow and yellow looked blue?" 
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anniemm
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Tracy, that is so funny! Those "what if" questions are really interesting!!!
I get tons of why questions also Fuzzy. Sometimes they are legitimate, but usually they are just to talk like you said.
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PDyer
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We use the suggestion offered here:
Servant2theKing wrote:
| Teach them to hold your hand if they want to say something while others are speaking...assure them that they will have a chance to speak when others are finished. The hand holding seems to help them feel connected until they are able to share their thoughts. |
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I think the hardest part here has been teaching that interrupting a conversation with a completely unrelated remark, just because momma paused to inhale, is almost as rude as interrupting someone mid-sentence. Patience, patience...
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Barbara C.
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The last time we were back in Kentucky my grandmother spent about a half hour around my oldest (who was then barely four); my grandmother commented "That one never shuts up!!" On our most recent shopping trip we came across a t-shirt that read, "I Got an A+ in Talking". Nothing has changed in almost two years.
That's just part of her personality. Her Daddy loves to talk, too. It is very difficult for he and I to have discussions without her. I think we did kind of foster the idea when she was little that she was part of the decision-making process. Lately, we are more clear that she may offer an opinion on some things, but Daddy and I will make the final decision. Sometimes she really does have good ideas to offer up, so I would be hesitant to tune her out completely.
There are times when I just want to gag her, though. Sometimes it's about attention. Sometimes it's about being excited to share something. Sometimes it's about curiosity. Sometimes it's about not wanting to feel left out. And sometimes it is good old-fashioned childhood egocentrism.
I don't have any quick fix answers. I'm sorry.
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juststartn
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My. 8. yr. old. dd.... 
I have used the "Be quiet or get out--NOW!" line. But I've got the 8yr old talker, the 6 yr old talker complicated with volume control issues (*WHERE* is the volume button on this dc?!?!), a 4 yr old who doesn't want to talk unless it is A) to her Daddy, B) if everyone else is already talk/yelling at the same time, C)if mommy's face is that funny shade of purpley red that comes out juuuuust before everyone under the age of 34 goes and takes a nap....lol
And then there are the boys. Who really aren't "talking" yet, still. They know words, but don't use them. Sooooo they scream and squeal, and scream some more...
UGH.
I've considered some earplugs. NO JOKE.
Rachel (who is a sociable person, but STILL!!!)
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ALmom
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Bridget had some great ideas so I won't repeat what she said. I have two talkers - my oldest and my youngest, but at the dinner table things can get hairy.
We realized that my family has a habit of everyone talking at once. My dh commented on how it was dizzying at first. We realized that we would have to actually train this one with patience. There is a character trait card in CHC about not interrupting and we periodically pull that out as a whole family lets work on this. I catch myself and say, oops, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt and then repeat a portion of what the other person was saying with the obvious implication that I do want to hear what they have to say. We will help the younger children do this.
With two of ours, tiredness meant that they became motor mouths just because they were trying to stay awake. When we called their bluff, they would drop off to sleep almost instantly. It was humorous.
Talking to grandmother, sibling away in college, etc. is a great idea.
I think one of the things that happens is that different learning styles/types tend to need to talk in order to figure things out. I actually dream in words and was amazed that anyone actually saw things in their dreams. Those of us who tend to need words to learn, tend to talk a lot and sometimes the more we are grappling with something the more we talk about it from every possible angle - to the point of driving others nutty. When they are old enough to write, be sure they have a journal or some such.
Of course the problem is not to tolerate rude behavior but to gently, but firmly become considerate of those around us. We will gently remind our 6 yo that his quiet sibling needs a turn to talk. We also have to let the children know that right now daddy and I need some private time to talk and will not be able to answer their question, decide on x, etc. until we have had time to research and talk about it. We don't refuse to hear their reasons or ideas, but it is clear that we will make the decision by ourselves - with due consideration for their desires and expressed needs or wants. We have to remind the talkers that certain folks in our house need peace and quiet to do their work, and we need to either move the conversation or postpone it until later.
Sometimes I have had to tell a child that I really wanted to hear about x, but I want to be able to do it when I can sit down with them and really give them my full attention, not while I'm trying to ..... Then depending on the needs of the moment, I might quickly wrap up what I am doing (just let me get this in the oven and set the timer and then I can sit down with you and give my full attention) and give my full attention, set a time when I will be able to do this (this is x's work time but I will have some time just for you at ... and let them set the timer for 30 min/ 1 hour or whenever it was that you will be available, or if I sense it is really critical or the child is needing something now, I will drop what I am doing if I am able. Oh, I see this is really upsetting you, how about I just dry my hands and sit down with you and then you can help me finish the dishes after we've talked.
I also know that my 6 yo has become extra chatty lately because he is feeling lonely and left out - and it is driving the 14 yo nutty (he is overwhelmed by auditory input and outside of home rarely says more than yes/no) but he is adding fuel to the fire by pushing the 6 yo away (not physically but you know what I mean). I need to restructure time for him and find fun things for the boys to do where he doesn't feel pushed off. I am going to have to gently work on the dynamics going on in the house to make sure everyone's needs are met. The olders need to be reminded that this guy is looking up to them and the power they have to crush his spirt while at the same time realizing that the older need some space too and they are dealing with some academic stress right now that isn't help by continual chatter.
We are, after all, teaching and modeling patience and consideration for all.
Janet
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insegnante
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts. The baby's lying on my left arm so typing is hard but I do appreciate both knowing that other mothers struggle with this and ideas about understanding/dealing with it.
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Martha
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Bridget wrote:
I have a house full of talkers. I have no problem telling them I can't listen right now, please go play/sweep/pick up/ ride your bike... whatever. When Kevin and I need to talk, either because it's important or we just need a few minutes to re-connect, I have no problem shooing them out the door or to the playroom.
I WILL stop what I'm doing to listen when i sense the child really needs me or there is something bigger behind what they are saying. And often they can chatter nearby me and it does not disturb me. But my brain does need a rest from it sometimes. |
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Yep! This is me and my kids. I have maybe one kid that isn't a real talker - at least compared to the rest of us.
And I handle it pretty much the same way.
I do the "talk to the hand" motion when they are interrupting adult conversation and they know that means they need to stop and or move on to another room. I often boot them out when I'm trying to talk to adults b/c sometimes they just. can't. not. talk. LOL
I'm trying to adjust to letting my 13 and 12 yr old boys stick around for adult conversations sometimes because they are getting old enough to participate to a coherent degree. It's hard to change my thinking from "this conversation doesn't pertain to you" or "this conversation is not for little ears" - because they are getting older and quite often the conversation can pertain to them. For example we were talking about the economy and world war last night and it just suddenly hit me that in as little as 5 yrs my boys coudl be in a war or trying to find a job! Yikes that conversation does pertain to them - maybe more than it does to my dh and I! They no longer have the ears of little ones. 
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LeeAnn
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organiclilac wrote:
| "What if everything in the world was made of tar?" "What if your nose was on your feet?" "What if blue looked yellow and yellow looked blue?" |
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I think yours and mine must be related. My 5yo daughter asked her grandfather this week, "What if you gargled nails?" (They were playing a what if game while hiking.) She comes up with the craziest things. We wonder what it's like to be in her head.
My 8yo goes through spurts of nonstop talking. She's the second child of four. She also is the sensitive one, so if you tell her she's talking too much, she'll be hurt. Sometimes though I do suggest--go play the piano or why don't you read a book to your brother--but it doesn't sound like she is as constant about it as the original poster's child.
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LeeAnn
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ALmom wrote:
| We realized that my family has a habit of everyone talking at once. My dh commented on how it was dizzying at first. Janet |
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You mean in some families individuals wait for their turn to talk??! We are this way also but haven't really done anything about it. Only recently have I realized that some people think it's rude. I have always been an interrupter and am used to speaking in half-sentences. We almost never mind it with our own kids...except for when we do. I think if I waited every single time for someone to finish their sentence I'd go bonkers. I'm afraid I'm so scatterbrained I'd forget what I was going to say. I've had two friends in my life that spoke very slowly and very little. Very polite but hard to talk to because my personal conversation-o-meter was set to a much higher speed! I have no idea how to train my children not to interrupt others when I am no good at it myself. The funny thing is, most people think I am a very quiet person. I hardly talk at all--very serious--except for when I do. Hmm, now I know where my 8yo gets it from!
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Topic: kids who talk... a lot
