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SAHM24
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| Posted: Oct 19 2005 at 9:04am | IP Logged
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I LOVE having a large family... in fact, with 4, I don't really consider us large, yet! Many moms often ask me how I do it. Many admit they are overwhelmed with two or three and couldn't imagine more! Funny thing is, many of them I would consider great moms for having more! I try to reassure them, but don't always come across with the point I'm trying to make... that it DOES get easier... much easier! What do you say, what do you think, what do you suggest to others? Especially... what do you say to those who would love to have more, but can't imagine being able to deal?!
Thanks, in advance, for all your help and advice!
God Bless!
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~~<~~@ Jen @~~>~~
married best friend 93
SAHM to ds 3/14/98, dd 11/8/99, dd 9/16/02, dd 9/7/04 (twin angel)
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amyable
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I also have four, and most of my acquaintances think I'm crazy (my true friends either have 4 or more or would like to).
What I usually tell moms is "The first two are the hardest." Most people I know agree with that, and it was true from my own experience. Once there were more children to help and entertain each other, it seemed easier. More work maybe, but *easier* work if that makes sense, and more joyous because we all had company. And the work doesn't seem to double from kid to kid - meaning two kids may be almost twice as much work as 1, but 3 and 4 were not double that of 2.
Lastly, for people I know I can be honest with, I tell them "You need to LET them CHANGE you." If you have kids and demand that your life never change, you'll all be stressed. Having kids has made me a ton more patient, creative, generous - but yes sometimes I was dragged through those changes kicking and screaming, lol! I think parents today need to know that it's OK (in a way) to be impatient, selfish, etc at the start - you can only start from where you are - as long as you are trying hard every day to be better. It'll come.
OK, I'm rambling, but I've been thinking a lot about this since my last run in with a life long friend who is married but says "I'm too selfish to have kids." (My reply in my head is always, "And you want to stay that way?  )
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Amy
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Oct 19 2005 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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Jen,
Welcome! So glad to have you here.
So often Danielle Bean has something on her blog that relates to what we're discussing or mulling around here so I'm once again, sending a link to something she just wrote: All of Me
I love having a large family as well. I think, for the moms who don't have the commitment, understanding, and support (and faith) of what we're actually doing, it can be overwhelming. But we can all relate---no matter how much we love our family and what we're doing---to times of feeling frazzled and less than competent.
Last night was such a night for me. Since Hurricane Rita, my dh has been away from us and working long hours. I'm not use to not having relief show up at 4:15 PM everyday. It's been four weeks now. If it weren't for my teenaged dd, I would not have any reprieve.
I just heard my 8 yr old speak sharply to her 3 yr old sister. Perhaps the tension I was feeling last night has carried over into today. I made myself a mental message to speak in a calm, loving voice today.
What do I tell other moms? I use to get tongued-tied and mumble.  Then I'd write it all out in my head what I should have said.  Then I'd pray for them, for me, and for our families...and that God would bless them with the same understanding and appreciation that he blessed me with 18 years ago. I also try to remember that I cannot change their hearts and minds; only the Holy Spirit can.
I have gotten comfortable with replying that it isn't like having five 2-yr-olds in the house. I have two teenagers who help a lot. And a pre-teen who helps even more. Of course, the whole idea of having teens and babies in the same household is so ludicrious to them that they're usually more appalled.
As for being able to deal with more, I tell them that I enjoy my dc immensely and it does get easier the more you have. And they are such a blessing.
I think it's more important to show than to tell though. It's in our public actions with our dc that people know whether we're sincere or not. Of course, there's always the concept that people think we're only "putting on the dog" and don't treat our dc as nicely at home as we do in public. We don't want to fall victim to being a hypocrite, so we need to pay attention to our actions.
I treat my dc in public the same way I do at home. Of course, I expect them to show better behavior in public than they do at home. But, really, they're pretty good kids either way.
I know others can give better quotes of things to say, but I really think it's more in the way we handle our dc at the doctor's office, at the circus, in the library, in a waiting line for FEMA, etc. that proves to others the benefits of having these children, though I think it's more important how we treat them at home. But we don't want to be a hypocrite in public. How we treat them at home usually washes over into public view.
Do we hold our child's hand and gently rub their wrist when we're talking to someone else and they're fretting for our attention or do we wave them away? Do we look them in the eye when we speak to them or do we say irritably, "Would you hush !" Do we smile at them when they come near us or do we snap, "What do you want now!"
Of course we're human and all have our moments. But do we apologize later and ask our dc's forgiveness? Do we talk to them about why we acted the way we did or said what we did? Do we forgive them when they exhibit similar behavior or do we chide them for their sinful nature while forgetting our own?
I don't believe saying one thing and acting differently. We can say all we want and people might still be skeptical. Act with love, and it speaks volumes.
Speaking of FEMA, the tree cutters are here. Gotta go...
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Meredith
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Oh, Cay, I loved your post, bug hugs coming from way out West! You truly are a shining star in the face of adversity!! 
We LOVE having 4 now and can actually relish the thought of more, even though I did turn the big 40 after baby number 4 was born earlier this year! We seem to be more blessed with grace in our lives after each additional child. Great thread, can't wait to read others comments.
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Meredith
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Laura
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Great Answer Cay!  And yes, Meredith, He certainly does give us the grace as we need it with each additional child.
Sadly, I usually only get asked this by women who think that we are crazy, but I always try to answer with grace and comment on the positives of having a large family.
If a mom with lots of little ones asks me how we can handle 7 I always encourage her by telling her how great she is doing and that having 4 under 5 is much more of a challenge then my having 7 with two teenagers to help me. I always tell them that I am not the most patient person in the world (they seem to always assume that large homeschooling families have saints for moms! )
, but that each additional child surely does help to put life in perspective for me, and set my priorities straight.
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JMJ,
Laura
wife to Ken and mom to 8 blessings with #9 due July 26,2009
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amyable
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happyheartsmom wrote:
| We seem to be more blessed with grace in our lives after each additional child. |
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I'm totally floored, and humbled, by the amount of grace God has poured forth to us since having #4. So much so that dh has done a 180 degree turn around about having more kids (for the better, of course )
It's hard to put it into words to the stranger in the grocery store though!
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Amy
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The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Martha
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I say several things...
"Purely by the grace of God." (This is really the most honest, imho.)
"I don't do it alone, my dh is a truely good and loving man." (Very true. It's hard for so many women to imagine having dc when their marriage is in trouble, or they've been through divorce either theirs of parents growing up, or they feel they have to work, or ???)
"It's like the Nike logo: 'Just do it!'" I don't get up thinking about how many dishes I'll clean, diapers I'll change, etc... I just do it.
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Bridget
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The short answer is that it does get easier as your 'help' grows older and more capable and you gain the confidence and experience to relax more. You enjoy each child more.
The longer answer for those that are truly interested is that it is a ton of work. And we do get overwhelmed. But what are we here for if not to spend ourselves doing God's work in our homes? Who cares about the work when we are so blessed with these wonderful children? Some moms are super organized and some make it up as they go along. Some are in between. Any style can make a happy, managable home even with a crowd. That's not the important part. The joy and love is.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Meredith
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Bridget wrote:
| The longer answer for those that are truly interested is that it is a ton of work. And we do get overwhelmed. But what are we here for if not to spend ourselves doing God's work in our homes? |
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This is where it gets tricky for me, that the people that make comments like..."my, you've got your hands full."....or "you sure are busy aren't you"....and the beloved."are you DONE yet?" aren't necessarily that interested in why we have the amount of children we have currently, but about being snide or something. I know we've discussed this in another thread so I don't want to begin beating the dead horse again, but it is difficult in our *selfish* and *secular* world (and even in our own parishes) to discern the truly interested from the petty.
My favorite comeback when people say that I've got my hands full is of course, "better full than empty", but I never seem to say it in a way that probably doesn't come off as patronizing or as a defense. (By the way, my own mother is the WORST offender). I truly want to come off as charitable and maybe be a *beacon of hope* for them if they are struggling in their own motherhood, but it sure doesn't seem like they could care less about what kind of a mother I really am, just to try and make me feel like an idiot running around with my brood (albeit 4). I just can't help thinking maybe they are jealous or just plain mean 
Why do people think that having a large family is a curse?? I couldn't feel more lucky and blessed than having all the gold in the world. Any comments??
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Meredith
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dhbrug
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I am the one that typically is on the frontline and tend to take a outgoing positive position. I always say we have six children so far. Or that this is a good start.
"Will you have any more?" - It's in God's hands.
"Aren't they expensive?" - They are assets not expenses OR Not if you turn the television off OR We don't send them away when they become useful so we get a pretty good return on our investment.
"You've got your hands full" - spreading out my hand I answer "We're on the second hand now"
The key is to be positive. The father's approach in the original book "Cheaper by the dozen" is a good one - take the initiative and be positive about the number of children. Mother Theresa had a good line: Saying that one has too many children is like saying there are too many flowers.
The main source of questioning is because large families are quite counter cultural. It also highlights that family size is a true choice and many factors people assume force them to have less children aren't necessarily compulsory.
We find it essential to get involved in our local homeschooling group on a Sunday so all the family can participate. That way all family members see that large families are normal.
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David
http://bruggietales.blogspot.com
dw Lana 89, dd 91, ds 93, ds 96, ds 98, dd 01, dd 04, ds 07
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Bridget
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"but it is difficult in our *selfish* and *secular* world (and even in our own parishes) to discern the truly interested from the petty. "
If they ask further questions I assume they really are interested.
I don't think fast when I'm caught off guard. The most common comment is 'you've got your hands full'. I actually started practicing a cheerful, enthusiastic 'I sure do.!'
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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teachingmom
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One question I get at times is whether we've always wanted a large family. Since we have all girls, I think that is some peoples' way of asking if we intended to have so many or if we just kept going, hoping for a boy. In my answer, I like to bring in my own experience and dh's experience as children of large families to bring the questioner to see things from the children's perspective. I say something like, "Well I grew up as one of six children, and my husband grew up as one of 10. We both loved being part of large families so much that we always knew we wanted the same for our own family."
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Oct 20 2005 at 7:30am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
I think it's more important to show than to tell though. It's in our public actions with our dc that people know whether we're sincere or not. |
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I was in the check-out line at the store yesterday and a few aisles down was a very sweet looking mother. She had an upset child and was doing all the "right" things. She was holding his hand, making eye contact, trying to talk to him in a very calm, assuring voice. She was very sincere. So was he! She also had an 18-m/2 yr old yammering for her attention in the buggy. She also had a very swollen belly. I'd say she was about 7 months along...Christmas baby, perhaps.
And the child continued to shriek and whine and the baby continued to yank on her and she continued with her patient, understanding manner. But, boy, did she look tired. And, yes, I felt sorry for her. And I could tell she was overwhelmed.
But I was a sympathetic by-stander. What was going through the minds of those who were not sympathetic by-standers? Probably, "What's she doing have another one!" Probably nothing she could have said (or done? would have made society-X observers think any differently.
So, I agree, it is only by the Grace of God. But, either way, she was being a witness.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Erica Sanchez
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Cay and all,
We might never be rewarded or acknowledged for what we are doing by having large families (sometimes not even by our own mothers!), but our reward waits for us in heaven! Other moms here have said it much better, but God must be so very pleased with each new life we welcome into this world - I would guess even more so with the parents who thought they may only have a couple and now have more because they were open to His plan and will. I think that most people are not trying to be mean when they see a large family - it's just so uncommon and they are surprised.
Just yesterday, the children and I went out for piano class and then a playdate. Usually when we go out in public, I am very concerned that everyone look clean and cute.....whatever....well, for some reason, everyone dressed themselves, ds did his own hair, etc. We ended up making a few extra stops at some stores. One was to dump a bunch of change into those machines that, for a fee, you can then get cash. Well, in the parking lot, 4 year old dd dropped the bag and change went everywhere. The change got gathered and we did make it to the check-out line for the cash, but I was looking at all the kids, now a little dirty from the parking lot and in "play" clothes with crazy hair, and the 2 year-old was coughing, and my tummy is now sticking out, and........thankfully, no one asked me a stupid question at that moment!!
Later, I was thinking that God is not just pleased when all the kids are in Sunday best acting like angels and you then get all those nice comments from the ladies after Mass. He's pleased in the crazy check-out moments as well. And that something that I need to work on is to worry more about what He thinks than what the world thinks. This is very difficult for me, even though we've wanted a large family from the beginning.
I've been good about just saying that this is God's plan for our family. This works well with Catholics and other Christians, especially, who usually think it is our lack of birth control use that is bringing us all these babies.
Anyways, I am so rambling! But, this is a great topic and a great reminder about God's abundant blessings - our children! And timely for me as I'll be soon spending the day with my college sorority sisters for our annual reunion - they don't know that we're expecting baby #6 - this should be fun!! I am going to come back and study all of your answers as I am sure to hear many 'how do you do it', 'are you done', and even 'why'!!
Bless you all!
Oh, one more thing...I am sure you are all much better at this......I want to be better at making positive comments to moms with lots of young ones when I see them in the stores or out and about, mostly when I am alone or with one or two of the kids. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say - how weird is that?!? I don't want to sound patronizing. At the moment, I am just thinking of trying to say something along the lines of 'you have a beautiful family'. ?????
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Cay Gibson
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ERica,
you said this so well and put everything into proper perspective. Well done!
I was picking up laundry this morning and gathered up one of my ds's T-shirts that has a football player on the front. Above it, the shirt reads
"If I have to explain..."
And under the picture
"...you won't understand."
And, basically that's it. The people we explain our reasons for having a large family to are the people who don't understand. You are SO right in saying that we need to worry more about what God thinks of us than what others think of us. He is the only one who matters. A great thought to keep in mind today. 
I think here we are preaching to the choir a bit and giving one another a booster shot.  It's great to be around like-minded friends. 
P.S. Congratulations on the new pregnancy. I'm so happy for you and yours!
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Marybeth
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Since my dear friend has 5 little ones from ages 1-7 she gets many comments!!
Several times when people have stopped her they are wistful and envious b/c she has such a large family to love.
People comment on how their spouse has said no more children and gotten the "problem" taken care of, or they are afraid there will be no money to send their children to college.
My girlfriend just nods and listens. I wonder if sometimes hateful/hurtful comments are really a jealousy not acknowledged by the other person.
Just some of my rambling thoughts....
Marybeth
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Cay Gibson
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Piece from Catholic writer Amy Welborn's blog
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Rachel May
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I think this is a good place to tell what happened to my sister-in-law the other day.
She has 6,4,2,1 y/o and a new baby and had to take them all to the grocery store to get something for dinner. She said her 4 yo had done her hair and she had a nursing cream stain on her shirt--a nice long streak across her chest. One kid had on one sock with sandals, someone's face was dirty. You know how it is!
She was stopped in the parking lot by a women asking all those questions we get so often. The lady said how she had always wanted a big family but found her one overwhelming. Of course that made Theresa more and more self conscious about how they all looked. Then the lady said, "Do you homeschool?"
"Yes......" (a little nervously)
"No wonder your kids are so good! You know, I think I'm going to go home and start working on my next baby!"
She was so happy that she went home and ordered pizza. I know I'll be thinking of that when I get my next round of questions. Hope it halps you too.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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Erica Sanchez
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Rachel May wrote:
| "No wonder your kids are so good! You know, I think I'm going to go home and start working on my next baby!" |
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Praise the Lord!!! And, you just never know what people are really thinking, even the ones who ask the seemingly silly questions!
And, thank you, Cay!
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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chrisv664
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Erica's comment "You never know what people are really thinking..." brought to mind an incident that happened two children ago, when we only had four children and they attended our parish school. During the first week of school, I was walking back to the car with all of them and a young mom commented on my having so many. I honestly don't remember how I responded, but usually, I try to be upbeat and positive about large families. Anyway, I didn't see that woman again until about a year later, and she was pushing a stroller. I congratulated her and she said something like, "You are the reason we have this baby." Apparently, whatever I had said the year before encouraged her to have her third baby! I was totally floored, but so humbled that God had used me in this way, without my even knowing it! So, Erica's words ring true... even when you're not really feeling positive inside, try and keep in mind, that many families limit their size based on fear... seeing happy, large families can be so much encouragement others. You really never do know...
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Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
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Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: What do you tell other mothers?
