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Becky J
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| Posted: June 04 2008 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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My question may be premature because my children are only 4 and 2 years old. But I struggle so much at times with my role as mother that I wonder if I am cut out to “mother” my children 24/7 as a homeschooler.
For me, the hardest part of being a mother is being present to my children and sitting down and playing with them and being imaginative and creative the way they want me to be. I *want* to like the play aspect of parenting, but I don’t like it. I hate to admit that. I am perfectly content if my kids are entertaining themselves (or being entertained by TV!) and I "can get something else done". Those feelings make the idea of sending my kids off to school (whether public or Catholic) very tempting, even when I have a feeling that the best way to keep them Catholic would be to keep them at home.
Has anyone else struggled with similar feelings and mortified them successfully and become happier as a mother and even a homeschooler?
One homeschooler and mom of 4 I know once told me that my feelings seem to be common among moms, even serious Catholic moms, who haven’t been moms for very long and have yet to embrace their vocation fully. Does anyone have suggestions for how I can try to get to that point? What has worked in your own life?
Thank you for your help!
Becky J
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amyable
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| Posted: June 04 2008 at 2:55pm | IP Logged
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I only have a minute, but FWIW I struggle with those same feelings. I don't really like playing with the kids. I have found homeschooling the perfect antidote for that, because I can be teaching them during much of our time together, instead of playing Polly Pockets.  I try to make learning fun, etc, but *I'm* in control and choosing things *I* like for the most part. Much different than having a 4yo say, "Now you be the doggy doll and say "woof woof" when my girl doll comes over"  
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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LLR4
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| Posted: June 04 2008 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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Well, if it's any consolation, I LOVE LOVE LOVE home schooling my children, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY did not like sitting down on the floor and 'pretending' stuff when they were younger. Like role playing, or "Mama, you be the baby and I'll be the Mama, and then you do this...". I wanted to want to, but, I didn't want to. lol. But there is LOTS of other creative, imaginative activities that I like to do with them. Interactive or teamwork kind of things, crafty activities, exploring, and even teaching. Do you see the difference I mean?
As I recall, that real 'pretend roles' kind of things is pretty age specific. I think at that time, and all other ages and stages, what the children really want are your time and attention, in any way that is enjoyable, and we can make anything enjoyable for them.
So I wouldn't count yourself 'not cut out for homeschooling' just yet.
HTH and makes you feel in good company.
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~ Laura
Blessed: Mama to dd{A}13 y.o., and 7 y.o. triplets ds{J}, dd{O}, ds{S} and wife to Michael
Our House of Joyful Noise
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 04 2008 at 4:08pm | IP Logged
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I agree with what Amy says. Also, being with the children pretty much 24/7 means that I don't feel (guiltily) as though I have to have "happy" time with them the whole time we're together, which means that I don't feel nearly so obligated to enter into their games. I do play with them -- I play badminton and frisbee with them, read with them, talk to them, take them places with me, cuddle with them -- but my relationship with them isn't predicated on my getting down on their level.
We do a lot of parallel play, like a bunch of toddlers -- right now my little kids are playing with each other, about ten feet away from me, and I'm typing this. We're all living here happily together, but they don't have to have my undivided attention every minute of every day. If they need it, they get it, and I try to respond promptly and fully when a child really needs me, but they don't need me in undiluted form all the time, nor do I want to train them to think that they do.
I also at least TRY to work at home. I'm a free-lance writer, and my husband's schedule generally does not permit us to split parenting responsibilities, which means that at least some of the time I'm mothering and working at the same time. This is a struggle, and I'd be lying if I said otherwise. Writing is a vocation which I had long before I had children (though the desire for children was there all the time), and I just can't lay it down, any more than I can lay down being a mother. So there are plenty of times when I will confess that I'm just not all that present to my kids, or available to play.
But I'm there. And they're there. And I believe that's better than all of our not being there. I have had my kids at school, and while I got a good bit of work done in those days, with less hassle over where my attention was going to be, this also meant that when the children needed something, I wasn't the one to respond. In fact, too often nobody responded, as we discovered more and more as time went on. At school the teachers weren't responding to, for example, my oldest daughter's crying every day during math lessons and learning nothing, and we couldn't respond to that, because we didn't actually find out that it was happening until May of that year (despite having been at the classroom door every single day to drop off and pick up said child, and exchanging pleasantries with the teacher. Never occurred to her to mention this minor detail . . . ). So I had some extra time during the day, but my mornings and evenings were consumed with an unhappy child who responded to her safe time at home by acting out in all kinds of ways she didn't feel comfortable doing at school, and crying herself to sleep. The struggles I experience now seem like a reasonable trade-off for a good relationship with that same child as a teenager, and with the younger ones as well. It's also kind of nice to have a daily handle on what they're actually learning, which we definitely did not have, even as involved school parents, when they went to school.
I also observe that especially as the children get older -- life's a lot easier when your youngest is 4 instead of 2, for sure -- the fact that they are home together, instead of leading largely separate lives at school, means that they play better together and rely more on each other than for me for entertainment. We don't have a television (though I do in desperation sometimes let them play games or watch movies on the computer), and I really am often busy enough with work that I can't stop and be a pirate or Mama Bunny or whatever. So they turn to each other. They pretty much have no choice. I've been training my current 5- and 4yos that way since birth, and while life has been hard with them at times (having a 2- and a 1yo simultaneously in a small apartment with older kids doing school was interesting), my pushing them on each other and not giving them the easy out of television has paid off in the long run. While I've been writing this, my 4yo has come to me for help sharpening a goose quill somebody brought home, then help getting some paint water, then she had to let me know that the goose quill really didn't work all that well as a pen, and I commiserated and told her to go change her paint-water-wet clothes, and now she's outside playing with her brother. That's the kind of balance I strive for: I'm here, I love them, I'm listening to them, I'm helping them do their projects while I work on mine -- but I'm not making their projects my own all the time. When it's time for us all to sit down together for something, we do, but I really do turn them loose to do their own things a lot.
So . . . I really don't know if that answers your question. I have had kids in school, and I vastly prefer homeschooling. My kids are happier, which makes our (longer) time together much more enjoyable for all of us than the short time we had outside school used to be. We do our actual homeschooling in smallish doses, except for the teenager, who has had a huge amount of work this year, but has done it mostly on her own. And much of it really involves their playing with each other in an environment I've set up: no tv, just a bowl of tadpoles, a beta fish, a garden, a lot of books, art supplies, etc. Or it involves doing chores, or their going to the grocery store with me, or our all having conversation around the dinner table, which again becomes more and more satisfying as they get older, though the littles are really pretty fun, too. We're just still trying to teach them the gentle art of conversing without interrupting other people all the time.
Anyway, I guess I'd say hang in there and pray a lot? That's what I do. And rather than worrying so much about how you "relate" to your kids, or whether the time you have together will be fun quality-type time, consider how you can be teaching them not to expect you to descend to their level all the time, but how they can begin to rise to yours, at least a little at a time. That's part of what Charlotte Mason's idea of habit-training encompasses, and whatever kind of schooling you finally settle on, that's an education which only you can give them, and which can begin from birth.
Gosh, I had a lot to say, and I hope some part of it is helpful to you. It is good to look honestly at ourselves as you're doing, and to confess and confront the conflicts we all experience as mothers.
Now I've got to go explain to my 5yo why he's not keeping on the dirty shirt he's currently wearing, which he thinks is fine to wear out in public, but which looks like, I don't know, a map of everything he's had to eat for the past 8 hours. He's like a walking interactive menu, and I say we don't go out like that . . . time to go do "habit-training class again."
Sally
Sally
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marianne
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As they get older, and up into schooling age, they don't need you as much for that kind of play, thank the Lord. I am much more able to tolerate fixing hair with my dd, throwing footballs with my 10yo, and helping my 7yo on Webkinz than I was pretending to be a dinosaur back when my oldest was 4.
The other thing that has changed, is that since we've kept having little ones, the older ones fit some of that role with the current little kids. My dd9 LOVES to play with my 3yo and 5yo, and this keeps them from hounding me. They still come to me for hugs and silliness, but I'm not on the floor being their sole entertainment, like I was when my oldest was that age.
Sometimes I think something is wrong with this picture, but my kids are happy and we spend plenty of time enjoying each other. You don't just want to be the homeschooling bossy lady, so you still have to find "down time" with all of them, but the Mom involved pretend play does die down.
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 9:11am | IP Logged
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My homeschooling group has a Mom's night out once a month, and at the last one I was able to get to this was at topic of conversation. We all pretty much agreed that we did not enjoy "playing" with our kids. Little ones (6 and under) did seem to be the issue.
For me it has become easier since my girls have fun playing together, and my oldest has finally seen the value of being able to pretend things on her own (she can be the boss as she likes it). I also try to find things to do that I can handle, playing on websites and board games for instance. Although, there are still times I get frustrated and want to tear my hair out. My husband does best doing physical things with them-tee ball, basketball, football, etc.
I think there is an illusion that if you are a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom you should be at your children's beck and call every second of the day. While you should definitely be available when they need you, you shouldn't have to drop everything just because they want you. It is important for children to learn how to entertain themselves.
On the flip side, it is one thing to let them be entertained by each other or the t.v. while you get stuff done around the house but it is another thing to constantly put them off to play around on the internet or other leisure activities. I am not saying that as moms we aren't allowed any leisure time; we deserve leisure time as much as anyone. But when our leisure time interferes with the best interests of our kids, there's a problem. And this is a problem I sometimes I have.
On good days I really try to set aside fifteen to twenty minutes to spend with each kid (or the kids together) doing something. Sometimes it is "school time". Sometimes it is a very simple craft (I am so not crafty). Playing games, reading books, going for a walk, etc. I will sometimes offer three things I am willing to do with them during this time and let them choose. I also set a limit for how long I am willing/able to do it up front (to prevent fits later). This time is really important to my oldest girl whose love language is "quality time".
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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SallyT
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 12:40pm | IP Logged
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You know, in a way, it's my older kids who want more face time than my younger kids do. The youngers are really happy most of the time playing around me, with intervals of reading, talking, getting art supplies together, cooking (I have to make myself cook with them . . . but they love it, so I try not to let it fall by the wayside of my convenience), whereas the older kids do want me to DO something exclusively with them, and sometimes that's even harder, because their attention spans are longer and therefore their needs are a lot more time-intensive. So I have to remember to make a date with my teenager to go thrift-shopping, used-book-shopping or antique-window-shopping, just us. The upside to this is that we enjoy doing a lot of the same things, and she's really fun to be with as a person in her own right, not just as my-child-whom-I-love. My husband tends to be the one to take up my 10yo son's parental-attention-slack, which is only right, I think, though I do have to get my oar in sometimes. I find that it takes more planning and concentrated effort to give the level of attention to older children that they really crave and need, though the rewards are maybe greater in some ways, because they have these more-developed selves to give back.
Not that I don't also enjoy and value the time I spend with my little kids -- but it is different. In one ways it's much simpler, though in another I'm much more conscious of teaching them when I'm doing something with them, because that's the teaching time we have: cooking together, or reading, or playing Nature Bingo or dominoes. We're having fun, but I'm conscious that in my interactions with them I'm working to form some basic habits, bodies of knowledge, etc. With the big kids, who have more formal schoolwork and more independent learning habits (though we do have face-time at different points through the school day, too), our time together is more focused on leisure pursuits and enjoying each other.
And like Marianne, I find my older kids taking up a lot of the slack with my youngers, too -- by mutual preference. My teenager and my 4yo spend lots of "girly" time together, and the 4yo often wants the teenager, not me, to tuck her in at night and tell her a story. She's often the one who takes them walking or bike riding, or sits down to play a game with them -- again, by mutual choice. This may be an easy out for me, but it's good for all involved: the teenager learns empathy and patience, the little kids have a role model who's not an adult (and sometimes that truly carries more weight -- I can talk till I'm blue in the face, but if they see their big sister, for example, saying her rosary, that gives them serious pause).
I do think that life is harder in many ways with a smaller number of very young children than it is when you've got multiple ages, and/or when those same children get older, which will happen faster than you think. Those early years may be the years when you really just have to suck it up and resist the temptation of the television or generally of giving in to demands to entertain them -- if for no other reason than that you don't want to fall into the predominant cultural model of raising kids who expect to be entertained. My husband is seeing college students who tune out of even relatively simple reading (for the college level) because it fails to "entertain" them, and they can't imagine any other way of interacting with anything. That's just a little scary . . .
That's one reason why I try to push even my younger kids to be self-entertainers: making their own fun requires some mental initiative which I hope and pray is going to transfer to higher intellectual pursuits someday. This is something I can do -- it's a way that my very real limitations as a mother can (I pray) be used for my children's good. We all have both strengths and weaknesses as mothers and as our children's primary teachers; the weaknesses can be God's tools, too, if we put them at His service. Just as there's no one-size-fits-all learning style, there's no one-size-fits-all mothering-teaching style, either.
At the same time, even though I sometimes sigh in the middle of "my name is Flower, and you're the Mama, and now you decide what our last name is going to be" (which I DO do from time to time -- both play and sigh), I also remember that this stage, which can sometimes seem eternal, is really fleeting, and that these same sweet children will, before I know it, be saying, "Mom, can we go to the used bookstore now?" That is, if I'm lucky and do some things right along the way. And I'll actually miss the "you be the Mama" stuff. I'm already starting to miss it . . .
Sally
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momtimesfour
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I just have to agree with all that's been said.
Your kids are still very little, and the littles are very physically demanding. As they grown and can do more for themselves, you have a bit more freedom. And, as has been mentioned, if you have older children and littles at the same time, the older kids can and do play with the younger ones and that benefits everyone. I love seeing my 13yo play "airplane" with my 19mo - the fact of the matter is that he is 11 years older than she is and they NEED that time together right now to solidify their relationship in the future. I mean, he'll be 18yo and she'll just be 7yo! So I see spending playtime together as essential for all of my children. Some of them will have very little time living under one roof together.
My SIL has often expressed dismay and horror at the idea of being a SAHM, let alone a homeschooling one. She really doesn't [I}hear me when I say that it's role one grows into. Part of the joy and struggle of motherhood is being forced to grow as your children do.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Cut out for homeschooling?
