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Leonie
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
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Someone said this to me yesterday. I was talking with a friend about the possibilty of me taking on more work.
I said I was lucky in that I homeschool, I spend a lot of time wth my kids, I take them to work with me, we are together much of the time and that was one reason why I could fit in work.
His comment to me was that quantity time is not necessarily quality time.
Ouch. 
I admit that there are times when I am less engaeged than I should be - physically there but not mentally there. 
So, can anyone relate? And any tips for more quality time?
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Martha
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 6:12pm | IP Logged
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yeah...
problem is that without enough quantity time, you don't get the chance to make quality anything. go figure. 
Quality time, imho, is not something one can make happen. It is the taking advantage of time as it arrives to make the best of it.
and sure, we all drop the ball at times, what with being human all that.
but the thing is, the more time we have with our kids, the more opportunities we have to take advantage of the moments as they arrive. bottom line is that altho one can certainly have quantity without quality, you simply can't make quality without quantity.
I think the guy spoke that way out of defensiveness...
Maybe you made him feel guilty without intending to do so?
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Martha
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chicken lady
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 8:31pm | IP Logged
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Well technically that is true, but how anyone could say that to you amazes me. You are a constant source of inspriration to many, your boys are very blessed young men.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 8:52pm | IP Logged
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I think, in response (and bear in mind I work from home), I would say that the quantity of time IS important. Even if I am not focused on my children 24/7, I'm with them pretty much all the time, which ensures that they have the chance to observe me handling the situations that go along with Life, the Universe, and Everything. Family problems, volunteer commitments, random questions from friends - I handle them all and my children are there to see it happen. If a family friend is terminally ill, it's no secret when that person is anointed and is preparing to meet Jesus. If family members are ill, my children watch me cope with that news and offer help from far away. When it's time to pray for victims of an international disaster, I have an audience.
So, I would say that you have the ultimate, God-given opportunity not only to be present for your children but to model for them the values and behaviors that will best help them get to Heaven. You can show them without words what it means to be a devoted parent, faithful spouse and faith-filled Catholic. You don't have to buy a book to tell them how it's done.
Isn't that quality time?
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 9:46pm | IP Logged
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Leonie,
I've been made to feel guilty at various times for similar things and the ones who made me feel guilty were always well-intentioned. They also weren't the ones who knew me or my family.
The ones who "know" me and my family have supported the opportunities that God has put in my path and shared my successes and failures with me.
When I listen to those people---my husband, my children, my parents, my best friend---I walk in peace with my family and with God. When I listen to the other "helpful" voices who don’t “know” me or my family, I walk in doubt, confusion, and guilt.
I'm afraid the flaw in the well-intended quote you received is that it leaves the mother feeling guilty and sad and confused and doubtful; then she is no longer at peace and the Devil gets to play paddleball with her emotions. I think, and this is just my experience, that any comment or advice (even those meant to be helpful) that breeds doubt and guilt and confusion should be cast off. Even if it proves to be prophetic, we should not let it drown us in guilt because even the things that fail will prove to be learning experiences and beneficial to our development as a person. Once you make the decision, commit yourself to going forward and not feeling guilty about your choice.
I don't need to tell you to pray about it or to go to your dh about it. I know you've done that. I don't know who gave you this well-intentioned advice. If it was your pastor or spiritual director or best friend, perhaps it is worth weighing. But one thing I can leave with you is some advice my father always gives me to go by. He says that once you make your decision, go with it and don't look back. He has reminded me time and time again that it's useless to look back and dwell on what-ifs. Frankly, it's a waste of time and only stiffles growth.
What makes you feel unsettled? The idea of extra work? Travel? Or the prospect of the guilt you may experience years from now?
Ask yourself now that if you take the additional work or take that trip to Japan---will you be overrun with guilt twenty years from now or will it give your life (and that of your children) more direction?
And, last but not least, will it give God glory?
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Cay Gibson
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 16 2008 at 11:15pm | IP Logged
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hmmm I've always thought that the whole "quality" time was a way to alieviate guilt for a lack of "quantity".
Even if I'm not engaged with my children.. I'm here.. like a safety net.. they can go and explore (the back yard, a book, whatever) and retreat to me for help, or support, as simple as a question about what a word means or as complex as dealing with a major injury.
Because I am here there is time for what the children need (haven't met a child yet that was too reticient about demanding that) and if they don't need more or what I'm doing can be put down, then I see no reason why I shouldn't be doing other things.
The children do not *need* my entire focus.. what they need is my focus when it's needed.. to not be pushed to the side over other things constantly. But not to the exclusion of other things I do.
Sure there is a time for total focus on the child.. but there is also a time for doing something together (washing the dishes) that takes that intense focus off the child (it can really be inhibiting) and yet still spend time together. And there is a time for the children to explore their own abilities and resources with the mom safety net keeping them safe but not requiring much continuous attention at all.
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Mary G
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 6:54am | IP Logged
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I think that I need to do a better job at the quality end -- just because I can get so caught up on the computer or knitting or doing "MY" thing that I'm there but not THERE. I need to be ready to drop everything and anything to respond -- and I do somewhat, but could do a better job at this.
I agree with Martha that you may have made this man (or his spouse) feel like they weren't doing enough, so he gave this flip response ... much like the "socialization" issue that gets lots of play when others look on us hs'ers as "holier than thou" ...
But, Leonie -- on a personal note, I think from all I've read that you give ALL your boys quality as well as quantity of your time and talents .... but that's just my opinion  
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 7:36am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
What makes you feel unsettled? The idea of extra work? Travel? Or the prospect of the guilt you may experience years from now?
Ask yourself now that if you take the additional work or take that trip to Japan---will you be overrun with guilt twenty years from now or will it give your life (and that of your children) more direction?
And, last but not least, will it give God glory?
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Thanks everyone for responses and, Cay, these are the questions that I am asking myself..
I trust this person's insights and so I think his statement to me was justified - not neccesarily true but definitely designed to make me think.
And I do want to look at quality time, to make sure that I give that as well as quantity time.
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Leonie in Sydney
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JennGM
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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Leonie, It's a good point, and I'm guilty of it for sure. I'm a SAHM, taking on the extra duties of homeschooling. There is a lot of things to do, and I admit I'm definitely not present completely for my children.
I'll pray for your decision, but in the meantime, I appreciate sharing his insight. I needed an "ouch" and some introspection.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 4:06pm | IP Logged
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I think your kids to can usually give you pretty good indication if you are giving them enough "quality time" based on their individual needs.
For instance, after reading "The Five Love Languages", I am pretty sure that my older daughter's love language is "Quality Time". It makes her feel loved to have me or her dad play something of her choosing (within reason) for 20 to 30 minutes every day. When she hasn't been getting enough quality time it often shows in her behavior and complaints that we don't love her. Of course, the "spirited" part of her temperament always tries to milk it for more. 
My little one is a little too young to tell how important quality time is going to be to her. Not that all of us don't want a little quality time now and then. And "quality" can be seen differently in the eyes of the beholder. For some people it does equal quantity and for others it equals any kind of individual attention and/or having someone else take in interest in their interests.
It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately with this third one coming soon.
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Barbara
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Pamin OZ
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| Posted: April 17 2008 at 11:42pm | IP Logged
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I'm guilty of that, too and know many others who feel the same. I think some of it comes from having to escape in your head while the madness continues around you or the child-who-must-say-every-thought-out-loud continues to chat with you.
Still, it's not good. My motto this year (lok at your good influence, Leonie!) is supposed to be BE HERE NOW.
Just on deciding: have you tried saying yes you will take the job (to yourself) and then seeing how it sits? Or the other way round? Decide the way you want to decide for the moment and play with that a bit.
Pam
sometimes it works!
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 18 2008 at 2:17am | IP Logged
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Pamin OZ wrote:
Just on deciding: have you tried saying yes you will take the job (to yourself) and then seeing how it sits? Or the other way round? Decide the way you want to decide for the moment and play with that a bit.
Pam
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Good advice Pam - I'm going to pretend this weekend that I have taken on the extra work and see how it "fits".
And I'm checking in wth my mottoes for this year - would extra work fit with those?
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Leonie in Sydney
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: "Quantity time is not quality time"
