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SeaStar
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 11:23am | IP Logged
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Here's my dilemma:
I constantly tell my kids "wait a minute" or "just a minute" or "in a minute" when they ask me to do something. This is usually because I am washing dishes or emptying the dryer or even just trying to eat my own breakfast.
But, when I ask them to do something, I expect instant compliance. If I say "please put on your shoes," I mean right now. I become unhappy if I come back five minutes later and the shoes I have handed my 5 yo are nowhere near his body. And I am not happy if I have to stand over him to make sure the shoes get on his feet.
Often I hear "In a minute, Mom' (which for ds could mean anytime from five minutes until tomorrow).
Well- "In a minute" is what I say a lot, so I know they are learning it from me.  So far I have not been able to explain the difference in a way that makes a 3 and 5 yo understand.
Any ideas? I feel like I am giving them a double standard.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 11:28am | IP Logged
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Melinda, the first thing that came to mind for me was to stop saying "in a minute" or "just a minute" and start saying "Yes, as soon as I finish these dishes." Or what ever you are doing. (then make sure you follow through...I am bad about this!)
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
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Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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mama251ders
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 12:28pm | IP Logged
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We have a problem with this in our house too. Since I have started reading a certain parenting book and going to some parenting discussion groups, I have noticed a lot more of MY actions coming from my children. Before, I always looked at my children's behavior as "their" problem. It makes a world of difference when I can see myself in what they are doing and it gives me a whole different perspective.
I have been trying to say things like, "Of course I will, in 5 minutes when I am done with this laundry" and "Sure, let me finish this spelling test with Benny and then I'll be with you." Or even sometimes (gasp!) "Sure" and then I'll stop what I am doing and attend to them. It never before occurred to me that I could stop doing something in the middle. I am totally serious, this goes against every grain of my being. Once I tried it, I realized it wasn't so bad! On the days that I can do those things (there are many when I can't!) I can tell an almost immediate difference.
Another thing, I have started giving them warnings when we have to get something done. I will tell them that we are leaving in 10 minutes, so they need to get to a stopping point in whatever they are doing and transition to getting ready to leave. This appeals to them much more than if I just expect them to drop everything and do my bidding. Sometimes, they still aren't ready to leave or stop what they are doing and then we have to negotiate. I still try to respect what they are doing, but also teach them that they need to respect what the whole family needs to get done. Again, on the days that I am able to do this, it works really well. When I try to do things my own way, it usually ends up bloody!
Sorry to ramble so much, I hope I helped a little.
Blessings,
Betsie
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Benny, Braidon, Olivia, Anna and Saragh
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 12:31pm | IP Logged
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I have been thinking about this - and issues like this....
The "wait a minute, just a second" -- I do it too. 
We (like, culturally "we", not "you and me specifically") do this to children all the time.
Even think about the food discussions - when we talk about "making" kids eat food they don't like. Or making them "try" something. Would you ever "make" your dh try a food? Ask him, of course, but "make" him? Or threaten to withhold his dessert if he didn't eat his vegetables? Course not. (Chances are, if our dh doesn't like something, we won't even serve it.) But "we" do it to children all the time.
My mind says, "But they are just children! My dh is an Adult!" ...... which somehow implies what a child likes/wants isn't nearly as "important" as what an adult wants.
Of course, I do not meaning eating candy & cakes all day and letting kids do whatever strikes them.
But overall, our culture, our society (even for those of us who are counter cultural) still behave like this (the idea that what I, as the adult, am doing is more important (and it is - to me!) but when we say to our kids, "Get your shoes on!" and they finish want to finish their Lego creation or gameboy level, to them, that is just as important as finishing the dishwasher is to us.
How to balance it?
Still thinking.....
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Kristie 4
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
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Oh yes, I am so much a 'just a minute' person!!! With my kids it used to (and still does I am sure) bother me so much when they did the same. Now, I at the least expect them to turn and look at me and acknowledge I have spoken (this is a big one with my 7yos...totally singularly focused kid, I had actually taking to whistleing to get this attention before realising what I was doing  ). Then if they are still in the middle of something I encourage them to ask if they can finish (when I remember, and don't just go into 'short fuse' mode) then do what I have asked.
My 2 cents, but yes I see so many of the things I do so often played out in my children !
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 3:23pm | IP Logged
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I think we all get into this bad habit. What I do try sometimes when I am busy is to say "when I am finished with this job" but more often I will point at the clock and say "when the big hand is on (a certain number)". I specifically bought non-digital clocks just for this purpose. It really helps my older daughter get a visual for when I will be ready, plus she's learning to understand time.
I also use the clock as our timer. For instance, I will tell her that she has until a certain number on the clock to get something done.
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Barbara
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 4:35pm | IP Logged
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Barbara C. wrote:
| I specifically bought non-digital clocks just for this purpose. |
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Oh, I like this! Thank you!
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 5:56pm | IP Logged
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I am such a liar. I say "just a sec" all the time -- obviously it's not just "A SECOND"! 
Yes, paying attention to the children the moment they need me is something I need to work on too. It's one of the top things on my list this lent.
It IS hard to explain the difference to them between Mom's duties and theirs though. But I know that there are many times when I *could have* stopped in the middle of what I'm doing and attended to them. If I remember correctly, Elizabeth(?) had a post about this a long time ago -- on her blog? Here? that was very helpful to me. If someone remembers what I'm talking about, please post a link!
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stef
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SeaStar
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| Posted: Jan 30 2008 at 7:23pm | IP Logged
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I do often think that, just because I am the adult, I put my time frame above the kids', and that isn't always fair. However, if I didn't put some limit on interruptions, emptying the dishwasher could take all day, no meals would ever be cooked and my kids would never learn how to wait patiently.
There are times when I do stop what I am doing to help them. There are times when I can't- if I'm helping my 3 yo in the bathroom, then ds is just going to have to wait that minute.
And then there are these times: I'm sitting down to eat my by now long cold toast for breakfast, and I am bombarded by:
Mom, can you read this book?
Mom, can you find my frog? I can't find him anywhere. Help! Help! He's lost forever!!! (followed by full out crying)
Mom, can we build a fire?
Mom....
That was just this morning in the five minutes I took to eat cold toast.
Obviously, I can't do all of those things for them right now, all at once.
I can, though, change my wording and my strategy.
Thank you for all your suggestions!
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Wait a minute....
