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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 18 2008 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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I have a question about labels.
I know myself, I have said that I dislike labeling my children. I have read many posts over the last few days, where other Moms seem to feel the same way - not wanting to put a label on, or glad that they didn't label, etc.
But I wonder, why? Why does the idea of a label bother us? Since we homeschool, it isn't like they will be singled out in a classroom.
And, I am actually VERY glad we had my son dx when he was little. I had been going crazy trying to figure out this small person, and help him to be able to better deal with the world. I read an article about Asperger's and a light bulb went off in my head. Yet, if that courageous Mother who wrote that article, had not had her son dx, I could still be in the dark about the best ways to help my son. I mean, I had NEVER heard of Asperger's before. But, I did feel a relief that what our family was experiencing had a name, and that there was nothing "wrong" with my son.
I am glad we went to a developmental pediatrician, as he was able to tell us about WONDERFUL resources that I didn't know about. Without a dx, without a label, I wouldn't be as better equipped to help him.
So, why the aversion to labels? Is it because WE are products of a traditional school system, where labels were a very bad thing to have? Is it OUR baggage?
I do get frustrated, as Asperger's/Autism seems to be the "new thing" to have. Similar to ADHD a few years back. I think many kids in school get tagged with these "labels" inappropriately. But, living with a child that REALLY has Asperger's (not just aspects of it, but the whole package), I am glad I know what it is, what to call it, and so am able to help him with resources and strategies that I might have otherwise not known about.
What do you all think?
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SusanJ
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Laura,
What a good conversation starter.
One thought I've had regarding labels is that I have observed many parents hide behind them. I think that ADHD used to be over diagnosed (perhaps it still is). I find it hard to believe that Autism spectrum and SID are not over diagnosed now (though I know that for many parents these are real and very challenging dx for their families--I don't want to minimize that at all). Perhaps I'm too judgmental but I used to involved in my local special-needs group (my son has spina bifida) and it was pretty shocking what some parents would blame on a disorder. Sometimes kids just have challenging personalities or different personalities from the parents. Sometimes kids just need discipline. I think a lot of parents would rather blame a diagnosis and let someone else (therapists, perhaps) deal with the problems.
I'm probably coming across as horribly judgmental. Let me say that I do not absolve myself from guilt in this area. When our son was born we were told that he would likely have learning disabilities and ADHD. He was referred for all kinds of therapy at a very young age. He's only three, so maybe he'll still turn out to have disabilities but I think our family and our son have benefited from not getting him diagnosed with anything else just yet. We can look at his whole person and focus on his strengths. He is a very bright, social kid with no apparent delays (other than physical). I am sometimes tempted to think, on a rough day, "uh-oh, maybe this is that ADHD finally coming out." In my case I need to step back and say, "no, we're just having a rough day. He needs a snack and a story and a nap."
Also in terms of diagnostic labels some parents, I would imagine, would have to really fight the school system to homeschool if their kids were officially labeled.
In terms of more casual labeling, "not a sleeper" "fussy baby" "terrible two" . . . I hesitate to generalize about my kids because they change SO FAST. I think labels, given during a bad week, can become self-fulfilling. I have noticed that our extended family pick up on these casual labels and perpetuate them even if they are no longer true--then my kids are stuck with some weird--or even damaging--reputation.
I'm interested to hear other thoughts on this topic.
Susan
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Life Together
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Jan 18 2008 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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Labels are often self-fulling.. they've done studies where people are given a label for the child.. even if it's not true and because of the way that label changes the way people think about the child.. it changes how they interact with the child and changes how the child then acts..
But the flip side is also.. when you know something is wrong.. having a definate label can also give you definate coping strategies and ways to work with the kids and just in general making the info you need access to easier to get..
For instance dyslexia.. you'll get much further with the label in finding help, things you can do at home, how to teach reading and such.. than if you're just floundering around with "need help in reading" or "forgets things as soon as they're learned" or whatever (I haven't read the actual way it manifests in years).
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All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Jan 21 2008 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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I read a parenting book (I can't remember the title or author) a while back, but the author made an interesting point. Kids might have a learning problem or health problem or such but in the end they are still a kid, and often the label is just a percentage of who they are, not the whole kid. I think some people, especially many school administrators, confuse the child with the problem they have, thus the child is a problem rather a child with a problem.
If you read a book like "Siblings with Rivalry", there is a whole discussion on what labeling by parents and by other siblings can do to sibling relationships. From good child/bad child to big kid/baby, if children aren't allowed to grow out of labels they can set bad patterns.
Now I don't believe that labeling always has to be a bad thing if kept in perspective. You'll notice in my signature that my girls are labeled spirited and spunky; this really describes their temperament. Until I read "Raising your Spirited Child", I had no idea why my older daughter was so particular about her socks or would have emotional melt-downs (not tantrums) seemingly out of nowhere (among other things). Some people would have called her "difficult", but the book likes to use the more positive label of "spirited". (In fact there is a whole section on turning negative labels into positives. I felt compelled to print the list up and put it on the fridge for those rough days. For instance, she's not "picky"; she's "selective".  )
And there are times when I have to explain that her younger sister has different expectations on her because she is a still toddler, but I am very clear that when her sister reaches her age she will also be expected to brush her own teeth, put on her own clothes, and go to sleep without Mommy in the bed just like her. In this instance, "being the baby" is clearly a temporary label rather than a life-long pattern of treatment that some families fall into.
And no matter how I label their temperaments, they will both always have certain rules, expectations, and consequences that they will have to live up to. I would like to think that I would be the same way even if one of my children had a more serious health or developmental condition.
Sometimes having a label for their issues can really help you find ways to help them. And it can also give a parent reassurance that their child isn't this way because they have failed them in some way. But I agree that such labels should never be used as an excuse to shirk parental duties. Sadly I've seen the detrimental effects on a child when parents refuse to accept that there is an issue that needs to be labeled as well as when parents refuse to have any positive expectations for their child because of a labeled issue.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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Bridget
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I think that sometimes labels help a parent get a handle on their kid's challenge and maybe it helps the parent more to have a label and professional direction.
For us, with our Asbergers kids, I have not wanted an official diagnosis and I don't want to medicate. It's clear they have it, their dad does too, we just deal with it.
I do recall when I was a teaching assistant in a classroom for severely multiply impaired kids, a few times we got a new student in the classroom before getting any paperwork. In two significant instances we had the child do something in our program that astonished the parent or therapists who had read the paperwork. The child was not supposed to have been able to do that thing.
So there is something to be said for ignoring the labels but not the child.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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LisaR
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I just know, from Dr's visits and the like, with most of my sons, that if they were in "school" they would have been the ADHD kids. And maybe we would have been asked to put them on medication, etc. I felt that since we had the wise advice of a Homeschooling Catholic Ped. Psychiatrist, and our homeschooling pediatrition, it was best to not label the boys in any way.
I never when they were younger spoke about them or to them as if they were different or had a deficit in any area. I am really happy to see that oldest ds, Joe, has developed some great coping skills/grown out of/ many of the idiosyncracies that would make him noticably different.
I read up lots on the Spirited Child, and ADHD/Sensory Integration Disorders, and so on, but just tried to change MY responses to help them, without making a big deal out of anything.
I don't think I have baggage, but I see your point. I guess maybe I DID label my kids, but more to myself, and not to my kids or to others.
Ok, maybe I DO have baggage upon further thought. I have been diagnosed with two pretty major ailments, and yet I refuse to join the support groups, or even follow most of the medical protocol that the Docs want me to. I'd rather develop my own way of coping, and I myself do not want to be labeled as "the sick mom" or "the mom with such and such".
I dont want to do the research walks, and have the T shirt and free water bottle!
maybe I'm prideful???
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Servant2theKing
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Whether dealing with children, or adults, diagnosis (rather than mere labels) can help families assist an afflicted person in better approaching life and the unique challenges they face, and in helping them be the best person they are able to be. Bridget, it is a true blessing that your family can survive without medical intervention. In other less fortunate situations ignoring a condition and refusing treatment, might be tantamount to refusing to give a diabetic insulin. The bottom line, if a person is functioning well without diagnosis and treatment, thanks be to God...if they are struggling and would be better off, why would we refuse them the God-given blessing of medical help? Learning from various several family members' struggles with medical conditions and "disorders", I try never to judge others..."there but for the grace of God go I".
Perhaps the reason so many of us struggle with "labels" is that we also struggle with human imperfection, weakness or brokenness. We are ALL less than perfect in some way...sometimes we can become a better child of God through acknowledging and accepting our faults, or those of others.
We were blessed that our first child had a physical impairment which three later siblings shared...when four of our children also developed mental/emotional impairments, it was much easier for us to accept the personal crosses God has Hand-picked for each of us! If each of us only knew how much grace can come to us through the challenges of life, we would gladly embrace our cross and applaud others who bravely carry theirs alongside us on the Journey!
Next time we witness a mother struggling with an ill-behaved child and our thoughts stray in the direction of assuming she just isn't disciplining them properly, let's please turn our thoughts instead toward praying for that dear soul to have the grace and the fortitude to carry her cross while helping her child carry theirs.
I will forever be blessed by the memory of a man who lived this fully. We were in the midst of moving , just days before Christmas. I was juggling one cart overflowing with groceries, another overflowing with children who were generously displaying their "disorder"ed conduct for the sake of several well-packed checkout aisles. This dear man, without a single word, unpacked all of our groceries, while I tried to gather my brood into some semblance of order. I thanked him profusely and whispered a prayer of gratitude that this man had actively blessed us with his kindness rather than judging my "imperfect mothering". Every year I pray for "the man in the Redwing hat". Thankfully, the Lord allowed me the privilege of returning his favor, in some small way, this Christmas when I was able to assist a man with one arm who was obviously struggling with his impaired young son who would not stay in the self checkout lane while he rang up their groceries. Together we juggled care of his son and the task of checking out, and the grace of that moment was one of my greatest gifts this Christmas! We can bless one another so MUCH when we join Simon of Cyrene and help carry the Cross!
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Bridget
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Servant2theKing wrote:
| In other less fortunate situations ignoring a condition and refusing treatment, might be tantamount to refusing to give a diabetic insulin. The bottom line, if a person is functioning well without diagnosis and treatment, thanks be to God...if they are struggling and would be better off, why would we refuse them the God-given blessing of medical help? |
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Oh, I agree with you! My experience has only been with milder needs in my family.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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folklaur
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I was thinking about the idea of a label being self-fulfilling. I think it is a good point. So that made me wonder about how/if parents tell their children if they have had a dx?
We have not told our ds9 that "he has Aspergers." Our oldest dd18 knows it, but we don't really tell him he has "something," and he isn't on any medication. They dx was more for us, and to help our own ability to be better parents for him.
But, I have also thought about the "excuse" aspect used by some parents. I have been in situations where there were behaviors of a child that should have been addressed, but weren't, and the Mom's attitude was (because she said this to me as her daughter tried to pull the head off my daughter's doll),"My daughter has autism" and then she just ignored her daughter and chatted with her friend - while said child was in a completely overly stimulating place, terrorizing other children. I have always felt that in order to help my son, I need to sometimes (especially in extremely "busy" or "stimulating" places - like a public pool with tons of people) that I need to be a little extra vigilant, to help my son. If I am feeling really tired and burnt out or whatever, then that would NOT be the time to have an outing like that. Does that make sense?
I know so very often that autism spectrum disorders can look like "poor parenting," when the truth is usually so very far from that!
But, I guess, when I am looking for understanding...well...for instance, my son, who is 9, still has training wheels on his bike. It bothers him not at all, but other kids are not alwways so kind. Because, it isn't just an issue of balance. It is an issue of: being outside and all the stimulation & unpredictability that goes with that, balancing, dealing with the helmet on his head and the strap under his chin, the way the wind blows into his face as he starts to go faster, steering and pedalling at the same time, etc. So, when I am looking for understanding from others, what I would like would be for other parents to be sure that no one is teasing my son for still have training wheels. Now, if my son decided that it would be a good idea to run into other people with his bike, and I let him, "because he has autism" then I think there is a problem. Am I making any sense? I think I am rambling now..
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insegnante
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I don't think they should be teasing a kid for still having training wheels whether or not he has a specific diagnosis. I guess I can see your point that it will in practical terms possibly help reduce people treating your son negatively -- if the same kind of people don't treat the diagnosis with undue skepticism -- but it bothers me that people should have to offer up "proof" to others that their child or their parenting decisions deserve respect. I don't think it should have to be don't tease my kid for that because he has this diagnosis, rather than don't tease my kid for having difficulty and still trying to learn the skill, (in fact, don't "tease" in anything other than a genuinely good-natured way at all) or don't judge me as a parent who doesn't discipline, an overprotective parent, etc., not because it's not your place, but because a third party says my child has a certain specific problem. (Obviously, there's a time and place for observations about others' parenting, but I don't think the difference is made primarily by whether or not the child has an identifiable disorder.)
I guess I just reacted to that example because I stopped trying to learn to ride a bike when one of those grownups who wants to show how much she understands kids was "relating" to how it was supposedly embarrassing that I was still using training wheels in the grade I was in, but it wouldn't've seemed so babyish if I hadn't skipped a grade and were with the other kids my age. I think this was toward the end of fourth grade when I was almost 9. It hadn't even occurred to me, and I had never tried to ride a bike around the other schoolkids because they didn't live that close to me, but I gave up and never learned. I often wonder about labels I could've acquired, but don't think they would've helped -- but I'm not everyone and my circumstances weren't everyone's.
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mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
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LisaR
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you know, Joseph would "freeze up" in any public situation, and would also either say repetitive phrases to calm himself, or hide, etc. I never told anyone what his diagnoses were, but I would not ignore him either. I guess with the training wheel issue, I would approach it with giving my son the tools as to how to cope with the comments, etc, if they were to arise. but I don;t feel like we owe anyone explanations. but that is what worked with my son, and he does not have aspergers, (at least I don't think so).
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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folklaur
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Theresa,  I just used the training wheel issue because it was a recent happening here - my ds' cub scout troop was doing bike maintenance and DH, who is also their Den Leader (and who also has Aspie tendencies, and also learned to ride his bike late due to teasing form his older brother) was concerned that the other boys might give our son a hard time (which they didn't  ). It popped into my mind as an example only because it was recent. And I totally agree, I think teasing is wrong in general. And I rarely even share with others that my ds has Asperger's, unless I think it would be necessary or helpful.
I do have a close friend whose son has severe Autism. She told me once she thought I had it harder than her, as my sons seems, "just a little off", where as her son had very obvious autism. And here I thought she had it harder. It is all perspective I am sure.
Lisa, you are right, we don't owe anyone explanations. My son also freezes/hides - I think it is such a good idea that you say he will use a repetitve phrase to calm himself. My son also avoids eye contact, which is another thing people don't "get." I remember even as a toddler he wouldn't go near other children - too unpredictable how they may act - and playing in sand was even too overwhelming for all his little senses. I was often accused of "babying" him....and of course, how could I possible homeschool a child who had social issues already? Ahh, but that is another thread, I am sure!
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Bridget
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cactus mouse wrote:
I was thinking about the idea of a label being self-fulfilling. I think it is a good point. So that made me wonder about how/if parents tell their children if they have had a dx?
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We do. Sometimes we approach it lightheartedly, sometimes it helps that they know why they have difficulty in a situation.
I can prep my son. I tell him we are going to an event that might be crowded, he might get knocked into, his legos knocked over. etc. I tell him he may want to blow but what he has to do is take a deep breath and walk away from the crowd or situation. Having a rehearsed plan helps.
He knows transitions are tough, he knows crying babies send him over the edge. Knowing that it's not a flaw in HIM and that we are supporting him helps him deal with it. He also knows it is no excuse for bad behavior, only for a little weirdness. (Thats the part we approach lightheartedly.)
As with everything else, i guess telling your child depends on prayerfully knowing your child.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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KC in TX
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When my son was diagnosed with autism, I was at my wit's end. I thought my parenting was the cause of his behavior. I couldn't imagine where I had gone wrong. When the doctor told me he had autism, it was bittersweet. There was relief that there were other underlying causes to his behavior but such sadness that his life would be difficult. I've moved on past the grieving (well, mostly) to helping him make it in this world. It's been 3 years since that day.
I've told the people in our homeschooling group that he has autism. I want them to understand where his behavior comes from and to help him when needed. Right now, his biggest deficit is in social skills and I think the group could help him tremendously in this area.
Having said that, I think labels (bad ones) do have a tendency to be self-fulfilling. It's like having a classroom of children who are underprivileged and expecting low performance. It's been shown time and time again that children can and will perform to expectations--high or low.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
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Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: labels
