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Lisbet
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 5:27pm | IP Logged
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So my oldest will be 13 in March. He's a very good kid, very helpful, kind, generous, dependable, lots of great qualities.
But, We are begining to deal with a not so nice attitude from time to time. It's a general
disinterested attitude. Everyone will be having a great time, playing a game, preparing a meal, whatever, and he just sits like a bump on a log. Sometimes he even acts like he thinks he's too cool. (For US?  )
I'm figuring this is pretty normal (not for him, but he's changing and growing, I accept that...) but I'm not sure the best way to deal with it. Do we just let him brood and stew, do we give him a talking to? I'm just not sure. Any thoughts? We are going down a new road with this, I'm so comfortable and used to being a mom of littles.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 7:01pm | IP Logged
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I've read that this age sometimes needs an outside mentor. They need someone else to learn work with regularly to learn a special skill from or develop a special relationship. I've also read that this is often a time when they are kind of reassessing their priorities. For instance a hobby that they may have enjoyed in previous years (sport, music lesson, etc) has reached its summit of enjoyment and/or skill, and the child is ready to focus energies in a new direction. They just may need some help and exposure to figure out what that direction is.
I hope this helps. Good luck!!
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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Bridget
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So sad when our little boys start wanting to grow up.  What I think is happening is that he wants to distance himself a little from mom and the little kids. He wants to be a man and he won't learn it from mom.
I treat it with humor and respect as long as he is not disrespectful. My boys are much more involved with the family when their dad is here too.
When he is not, I try to give the boys leadership roles in whatever we are doing. They also respond well to the reminder that they are examples to the others. They just don't want to be 'one of the kids' anymore.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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LisaR
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| Posted: Jan 15 2008 at 9:08pm | IP Logged
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ditto exactly what Bridget said. sometimes a little space and they "snap out of it" rather quickly too!
I think we are over that with ds, 14 1/2, and I am just starting to see a niggling of it in ds, almost 12. I do let him (Paul) go whereever it is most peaceful for him to get some school work done- he appreciates quiet a bit more now occasionally!
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Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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Lara Sauer
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| Posted: Jan 16 2008 at 7:42am | IP Logged
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I have found that the period just before the child turns 13 is the worst. They are so anticipating the BIG DAY. (However, once it takes place, they realize there were no magic bells and whistles that went off to suddenly change them in deep in meaningful ways.)
The reality is that there are so many changes going on inside there little (?) bodies, both physioloogically and psychologically. One minute they want to be a little boy, the next minute, they are worried about looking foolish.
I do not think a lecture at this time is particularly helpful. Once they are in the funk is not the time to address what is happening. Rather the time to talk to him is when he is happy and engaged. I love taking my too older boys for car drives when none of my other children are with me. Then I talk to them as if they are young men. We discuss all kinds of things; things like just because they feel out of sorts doesn't mean that they have a right to inflict that emotion on everyone else's family. One of the main things that I will not let my older children do is to "steal another's joy!" This means that they can NOT tease their younger siblings about watching BARNIE, (or whatever). I tell them very clearly that they only have about 15 years or so to be a child, but around 60+ years to be an adult, with all the responsibilities that go with it. We talk about what is means to be men. How their minds and bodies are changing. I tell them their bodies will change first, but their brains will need time to catch up.
I guess my best advice it to engage them when they are engaged. When they are in a funk, ask them nicely to please leave the room, say some prayers, and come back when they are ready to treat everyone kindly again.
Or, tell him to go and play with the baby. Nothing cures teen blues faster than a sweet baby or giggly toddler!
Peace!
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Joelle
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| Posted: Jan 16 2008 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
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We are approaching that stage here too!
I am kind of sad-my little boy isn't so little anymore, and like you, Lisa, I am used to being a mom of all littles. I have lectured a few times when my oldest is in the "funk" and found that it didn't work at all. I have told him to go to his room and pray to his Guardian Angel or say the Rosary until he can cheerfully join the family and that worked pretty well. And when it's not too bad or he's not picking at his younger sibs, I just ignore it or quietly ask if everything is ok.
This came up fast. Wasn't it just yesterday I held him in my arms for the first time???
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God Bless, Joelle
Mom to 7: Boy (96), Girls (00, 02, 04), Boy (05), Girl (07), Boy (09)
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Jan 17 2008 at 4:48am | IP Logged
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Thanks everyone, such great advise here.
I do notices a marked improvement as soon as dad walks through the door, they are very close. He is never disrepectful or disobient at all, it's just a foul mood. He does get a bit hard on his younger siblings, and of course I put a stop to it. A sense of humor from me sometimes gets a small smile.
Lara, It does seem that he is really looking forward to that magical 13th birthday!
Is is this way with girls too? I have an 11 year old girl that doesn't act this way one bit, is it on it's way down the pike though?
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Jan 17 2008 at 11:58am | IP Logged
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A good way to stay connected with boys in their teens, who are trying to forge their adult male identity, is to keep asking them to come to you for hugs when you greet them in the morning, say goodnight or whenever they go away from home. A priest once suggested in confession that this is an ideal way to pray for them. My boys don't know that I pray over them during these brief moments, but if they balk I tell them that hugging their Mom is a good way for them to be comfortable with such things for the sake of future relationships :) One of our sons is a little more hesitant, but I always treat such moments with gentle and even humorous coaxing so that he doesn't feel forced.
When teens are sometimes less cooperative or respectful it helps to see their vulnerable side and remember them as babies! The teen years are so difficult...they are no longer young children, yet are still not adults, and they want so much to form their own identity and aren't always sure who they are! Love, mutual respect and staying connected is very important!
Another thing that has been very helpful for our family is having our boys do some of their studies, one day a week, with their father. They have all really blossomed with this special one-on-one time with their father and I benefit from the extra time to cook or clean or do something away from the house.
Bridget's idea of giving sons leadership is also an excellent suggestion! Focusing on our sons' strengths and helping them shine within the home environment will build their confidence for those times they venture out from under our wings!
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Lara Sauer
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| Posted: Jan 17 2008 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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I really love the idea about praying for our sons when giving them a hug. One thing that I think I need to remember is that even though my boys are becoming men, that that doesn't mean they don't need physical affection from me: a hug here, a pat on the back there and all the better if we remember to use those times to pray for them as well.
Thanks for a great inspiration.
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Angie Mc
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In my mind, I'm trying to treat my almost 13yo son more like I treat my dh and other adults. One way that I am currently trying to show a more adult respect for my ds is by not correcting him in front of his siblings. If I have something to say to him, I do so in private, and with a calm a respectful manner. Well...that's the goal anyway:). I also thank him for his leadership and service to our family.
Yes, it has been my experience that teen girls go through difficutlies too, but it does feel different to me...
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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SallyT
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Angie, what a great piece of wisdom. I really need to stop correcting my 10yo (younger than the boys being discussed here, but edging into that demographic more every day) in front of the others. I'm trying to get his older sister to lay off him as it is. Preserving his dignity needs to be more of a goal of mine.
Thanks for all this wisdom, everyone -- even with a 10yo, it already resonates a LOT!
Sally
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Teen ’Tude
