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asplendidtime
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| Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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Dear ladies,
First of all, I just want to say, that I am just feeling pressured by people to have a tubal ligation. And it isn't that I am considering it, this little boy represents our 8th baby we will have had in less than ten years. People I think are starting to question if we are capable of affording this, if my body will continue to enjoy good health, etc...
There is a lot of pressure from everyone to "be sensible", or that this is too hard on my body, or "how long can you go on like this?". My Doctor even transferred my care to an OB/GYN because he told me I "scare him". ETA** Meaning, that he's afraid I will die in childbirth or something, because I've had so many children. Unfortunately the OB is going on vacation and won't be seeing me again until I am 38 weeks along, so back to the first doctor. I have no serious issues with pregnancy so far, no serious issues with birth other than my one home birth in which I had a minor PPH. I am on no meds, nor have any serious medical issues.
Usually I kind of smile and don't say a lot when people push me about family planning, for one thing I think it is between dh and God and I. Yesterday the OB said he thought it was so great that we were following the Church's teaching, but he wondered if I would consider a tubal ligation?  There is not a reason for this other than the shock others have in trying to understand why we would have so many children, or concerns that they have.
Because our dc are all so young, I hardly think of them as a big group though, so it hasn't hit me that we are absurdly big or anything.
I have to say this makes me dread going to the hospital, and homebirth just isn't an option for us, there are no available midwives here.  'Just feeling a little world-worn here. 
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Rebecca~Mama to
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Martha
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btdt!
and it's so frustrating and disheartening I know.
do you have any friends or family that you can cll upon for support and encouragement?
just having 1 IRL friend who can understand that it was a joyous time for us and who can understand that we just can't say no to such a joy was invaluable to my emotional frame of mine.
someone I could call and gush about the ultrasound picture and get congrats withOUT the negatives added in.
for what it's worth... I've had 8 under 12 years old
I sure would like to have another...
Looking at all these blessings, I can't help but think more of the same would be very fine indeed. 
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Martha
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Michaela
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(((Rebecca)))
We only  have four children, but the memories of how my doctors treated me while pregnant with Teresa are vivid.
To have four around here is an oddity apparently. I must not know how babies are made or how to prevent it. I was often given the suggestion of getting a tubal and, don't be suprised, Rebecca, if they feel it's their mission to get you on some type of birth control for after the birth because you don't want a tubal. It was uncomfortable and I was in total shock to be treated as if I was an irresponsible woman. I didn't want to go to my appointments becasue I'd get a new doctor each time....having to hear it over and over was emotionally draining.
As Martha mentioned, having one family or friend who understands helps tremendously.
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Michaela
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MacBeth
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| Posted: Jan 04 2008 at 5:14pm | IP Logged
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Well, if it's any consolation, I am deeply jealous of you. My grandmother had 9 in ten years, and I always said I wanted to repeat that! God has blessed me with 4 fine kids, but oh, when I see a big family I turn green. Forget the discouraging comments if you can, and enjoy the kids!
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MacBeth in NY
Don's wife since '88; "Mom" to the Fab 4
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Angie Mc
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7smallones wrote:
| Usually I kind of smile and don't say a lot when people push me about family planning, for one thing I think it is between dh and God and I. |
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You are charitable and right and they are rude and wrong. Hang in there, Rebecca. We are cheering for you!...and praying  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
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CAgirl4God
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oh Rebecca, i am so sorry for other rude and intrusive comments.
your are right... it is between you dh and God... these other people are sticking their noses where it doesn't belong.
I am another one who is a bit green... I only have four... lol
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vmalott
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Rebecca,
We get this a lot from family. I've had a total of 11 pregnancies in our 14 years of marriage, 3 which only reached the 2nd trimester ending in miscarriage. And yet my full-term pregnancies and births have all gone off without a hitch...I tend to be healthier pregnant than not! So, I understand where you are and it really makes one wonder why people express so much concern.
Thank goodness for the women on this board and Catholics (and other people) who are open to life in general. At least there is somewhere to go for support! That doesn't make dealing with doctors and midwives who just don't get it any easier.
Valerie
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Valerie
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Jenny
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We are expecting our 6th baby in 9 years. People are downright rude, I know. From the lady at the grocery store, to my Grandma. I called a very close priest friend of ours recently and through a very emotional conversation, I was telling him how all these comments were starting to make me feel. He said, "Surely you do not seek your reward, your consolation, your value and self worth from these people. You are striving to please Our Lord, and Our Lord is VERY pleased with you." These words were such a refreshment to me. I ponder them often, and each time my spirit is renewed, and my polite smile can withstand the darts of the world.
After this pregnancy, maybe you can find a different doctor. Or, just a have a heart to heart talk with your new OB. When we started with my OB, he has delivered all of my children, I was very specific, in my conversation with him. "My husband and I are devout Roman Catholics, and we are open to having children. We will never consider any type of birth control including sterilization. If we have a need, medical, financial or spiritual for any intervention, we do have recourse through the Church. Can we have a good dr/patient relationship?" He knows what we believe and respects that. I have always had a good relationship with him. One time his nurse said, "pregnant again?" I told her I am the patient she wants to see. I insure a paycheck. The rest of the girls that come through there, once a year for an exam, and then birth control, aren't contributing to her job security
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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LucyP
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Dear Rebecca, I am so sorry you have all these pressures and burdens at a time which should be joyful and peaceful for you. I rejoice with you that the loving Heavenly Father has seen fit to bless you with the privilege of being mother to so many precious eternal souls. And I will remember you in my prayers.
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asplendidtime
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Thank you so much dear ladies. I do have a new IRL friend who is very understanding about this... But that is it, of all the people that I love. 'Hard sometimes. I just feel overwhelmed with it all.
Your words were very comforting. Thank you for the prayers.
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Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
Katie 16,
Mary 14,
Tim 13,
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Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
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Barbara C.
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I heard this well-meaning suggestion from my mother. Due to circumstances in my life, it does not logically seem like another baby is what we needed. We certainly did not plan for this one, but it didn't take me long to accept that God has his own reasons for giving us this baby (once the shock wore off).
Of course, the latent feminist in me always wants to question why people want to push tubal ligation on a woman when vasectomy is a less invasive and more effective procedure. And the other funny thing, there are lot of people out there who know of at least one woman who still got pregnant after a tubal ligation.
I think if someone else hinted that to me I would ask them "why" and address their issue (if I felt charitable), and if I wasn't, I would just say how you felt "Our family planning is between God, me, and my husband." I'm afraid I would be tempted to get kind of flippant about it and ask them to consider getting the procedure done or when are they going to have another wonderful little baby.
I'm sorry everyone is bothering you with this. I'm sure on some level they have genuine concern for the well-being of you and your family, but some people really need to learn to distinguish when things are none of their business. Good luck. And enjoy your new baby boy when he arrives.
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Barbara
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JodieLyn
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And on the doc.. you're PAYING him.. tell him that you've made your decision and you want to see it clearly stated in your file that it has been discussed and that you do NOT wish to be harassed about your decision. Check before you leave that it is in your file. And then if they start to say anything.. suggest they read the notes in your file. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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SallyT
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Forgive the convert question here, but do sterilization measures like tubal ligation and vasectomy not fall under the proscription on artificial contraception? It's been my understanding that you could NOT licitly opt for medical sterilization, simply for contraceptive purposes.
I know that you can have something done (like a hysterectomy) due to a medical need, and that the contraceptive effect of the procedure is absolved under the "law of secondary effect" (in other words, the contraceptive effect isn't the one that was intended, but it comes as an inevitable part of the treatment for whatever was wrong). It seems to me that if you're Catholic you can simply say, "I'm sorry, but unless there's a pressing medical need, these procedures contradict Church teaching on marriage and sexuality," etc. If I am getting it right, you CAN licitly use NFP to SPACE children farther apart, for the good of your health (or other prudential reasons). But you CAN'T impair your fertility for the sole reason of impairing your fertility, under Church teaching. Or at least, so I understand. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
You know, like MacBeth, I have four children and would love to have more. At 43, I just don't know that it will happen, and if I have one regret from our years as contracepting non-Catholics, it is that we wasted a great opportunity.
That said, we had our fourth child at a time which was not "ideal," as my husband was finishing his degree, had no job, we had no health insurance (we were in England, and moved back to the States), and on and on and on. People made it plain that they felt sorry for us, thought we were crazy, etc. Now, of course, they dote on that baby, who's now four, every bit as much as they dote on the others, if not more. They hated the idea of our doing such a stupid, irresponsible thing as to bring a child we couldn't "afford" into the world -- but funnily enough, it's hard to hate a visible child. And she is so lovable!
My good friend, who's also 43, has just announced that she's expecting their 10th (in 17 years -- their current baby will be two and a bit when this one comes). She's healthy, and while I'm sure there are people who already think she's crazy and wonder how she does it, she just sails right along. Of course, she's from a family of 15, so 10 seems like nothing to at least one side of the family!
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I'm sorry you're having to endure this kind of pressure and anxiety during what should be a joyful time.
Sally
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Lisbet
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Dear Rebecca,
I am so very sorry to hear that 'the world' is bringing you down. I dug up a post of mine from last year when I was dealing with something very similiar. I know how hard this can be. Some great points were made by the wise women here.
You are in my prayers!
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SeaStar
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On the flip side- I got all the same question from my doctors- do you want a tubal- with my second! Either they thought I was a poor example of motherhood or they feel duty bound to offer this to everyone.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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Zeliemum
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Dear Rebecca,
I know exactly how you feel, over the years I have had so many negative situations with the medical "industry" about being open to life; being pressured to get my tubes tied as they say.
While at RMH (Ronald McDonald House) over the last 4 months I was being treated at the Royal Women's Hospital in Brisbane 2-3 times a week in the Maternity Outpatients. I can't tell you how many times I was asked (often in not a friendly manner either) what I was doing about contraception after this baby, sterilization, being reckless with my body, sneered at by different doctors by my response of " we don't use contraception as we are practicing Catholics and are open to life". (I did highlight on many occasions that we do have NFP available in certain circumstances and Napro technology that the Church approves of).
I did have this in my file in many places (as it was a big file) and would say check the file it’s all in there. Once I even said “does that bother you” to the doctor, he got quite uncomfortable and said “no” I then said “well it shouldn’t if it doesn’t bother me why should it bother you”.
Even the doctor I have currently in my town has issues with our stand on being open to life. He has also been pushing me on the issue of tubal ligation knowing that we are practising Catholics. He is a very good doctor and worried for me. We have had a few verbal wrangles about the Church's teachings, he once said under his breath "old fashioned institution" when I told him I couldn't and wouldn't consider TL as a option. He is a protestant Christian and seems to have issues with the Catholic Church.
At my local hospital after my last miscarriage before this pregnancy I had one Ob sit me in a private room in outpatients and give me a talk on how he had heard about me and my background and I was a patient they weren’t looking forward to dealing with and that I would “leave my children orphaned one day if I keep going” (he mustn’t have realized that they have a very capable father), and that they “would have to save my life one day on the table” as I was “to high risk” and that "I should consider tubal ligation". I was a bit cheeky and said “well get ready hone your skills because I will be coming back”. When we had finished with our discussion of which I gave him some food for thought I looked at his medical tag and his name was Dr Evill. I said to him “is your name Dr Evil” he looked a little uncomfortable and said it was pronounced Evill short sound e. I just started to laugh and laugh I couldn’t help it. I thought nice try old sooty foot.
It has bothered me in the past and I will say dealing with it alone was difficult but I also realized that this was part of my persecution for the faith, and try and have compassion (and sometimes a sense of humour) for these poor souls that just don’t understand the beauty in The Church’s teachings on being open to life.
You are very blessed to have such good health. If I did I would love to have many more children. I don't know if that will happen only God does.
Sorry my posts are so long of late, I can just relate to so many of the threads. I hope some of my experiences give you a sense of camaraderie.
God Bless and stay courageous. 
Chemai
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asplendidtime
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Thanks Chemai! And thank you so much to you other lovely ladies. Lisa, reading the other thread you linked to was very encouraging.
Chemai, you sound a lot more spunky than I feel! I wish I had more of it. You made me laugh with the "Dr Evil" part, did you really say that?
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Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
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Mary 14,
Tim 13,
Jonah 12,
Josh 10,
Zoe 9,
Will 7,
Peter 6,
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aussieannie
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7smallones wrote:
| You made me laugh with the "Dr Evil" part, did you really say that? |
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Well, I had MY belly laugh for the day too! She's a spunky girl all right!  I think there's a touch of Mother Angelica there.
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Zeliemum
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Dear Rebecca,
Yes I did say that to Dr EVIL-L, the discussion we had then finding out his name, I thought it was quite ironic. I couldn’t resist.
I don't always speak my mind in these situations but going through 5 months away in the hospital system with my premmie boy Jonathan and now spending 4 months away in the same system with Augustine has really toughened me up.
There were days when I could just cry because of the pressure I felt by some doctors, but most of the time I stood up to the doctors (in the nicest possible way), and went head to head with those that were trying to intimidate me for our choices and faith.
I must say there were some wonderful positives during my last situation. We had some very good Catholic doctors that were very supportive with us. What a breath of fresh air they were; they certainly were gifts from God.
(As were my dearest friends - hey AussieAnne.)
May God bless you for your strength and trust.
Chemai
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Getting pushed about Tubal?
