| Author | |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: Feb 18 2005 at 3:42pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
has anyone had experience with these? it seems to me (so far) it's age 8-11 that are the hardest years. our oldest (14 in march) went through a really difficult stage (we're talking almost-nightly screaming matches between her and us, her parents) from around age 9-11. then around 12 1/2, she suddenly, almost overnight, turned into this wonderful, easy-to-talk-to, understanding, helpful, (dare i say it) mature person (crossing our fingers that she doesn't revert)! we attribute much of it to going back to homeschooling (she went to public school from age 7-9), so we thought we would bypass this stage with our 8-yo (9 in june) son since he only went to PS for a month... but now *he's* the one we're having difficulties with, and it's pretty much the same things -- a lot of selfishness, irritability, boredom, whining, complaining, etc. i'm hoping it's a phase and that like big sis he'll turn out to be a wonderful person (well, okay, he already is, but some of these attitudes/behaviors lately are driving us up the wall!).... anyone have this kind of experience, or is it just me (have to admit i sometimes think i'm the kind of mom that inspires such early rebelliousness)?
thoughts? advice?
thanks and God bless,
stef in pa
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lora
Forum Newbie
Joined: Feb 28 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 14
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 12:01am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I know this is a really old topic but I came over to visit this particular board (The Teenage Years) because I am entering this stage of motherhood. My oldest girl is 9 1/2. She is a really wonderful person but I was taken by suprise with the sudden change in attitude. We have worked through a lot. She is nothing like how I was (I was a horrible teenageer but I grew up in a non-christian home) which I am gratful. I told her the other day when I could see her troubled face that God gave tears to us for a reason and when we release them we feel better inside. She didn't tell me till just tonight that later that night she did cry and she prayed and felt like a big load had been lifted from her. I about cried hearing that. It is so difficult bieng a teenager, my worst years of my life. So I so want to be there for her (and each sibling comming up) just to understand. Sometimes she just doesn't know why she does the things she does or says or even feels. I can soo relate. So now I am trying to read everything I can about teenage years and how to get through this time.
Lora
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 1:58am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm glad Lora revived this topic. My 9yo who has always been a really easy kid is suddenly showing all kinds of temperament -- crying about nothing, trying to get out of work, bargaining, being sarcastic. I was wondering what I was doing wrong and if he is like this now, what will he be like when he's a teen! (he's my 5th, I feel I should have a handle on it by now!) but I have hope now that this is a terrible pre-teen type thing and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
He's really a good kid but it's just that recently all his worst traits seem to be coming up on top. I have to keep remembering that he's also the kid that gets teary-eyed when he hears of something bad happening to a little child, and who spent some of his hard-earned money (raking pine needles for grandma) to buy his younger brother a birthday present.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 7:27am | IP Logged
|
|
|
eh... i spoke too soon LOL.
my 8-yo is doing fine right now, he complains a bit when asked to do lessons but for the most part is now easier to deal with than the 14-yo, who for the past month or so has REALLY become a *teenager* -- moody, talks back, gets really emotional and defensive over little things, acts like her friends are everything to her, has been surprisingly selfish and egocentric a few times.... overall she's still a great kid, but i'm getting a little tired of the attitude.
i'm hoping that these are just phases that our kids have to go through, and i'm trying not to get discouraged. i look at the public-school educated kids around us and it looks like we're still in pretty good shape.
lora and willa, thanks for the responses. it is encouraging to see that i'm not the only one going through this. will be praying for you.
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amiefriedl
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 323
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 8:30am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Willa, (and Stef and all),
As I read through these topics, I am amazed, grateful, touched and fascinated by all the ups and downs that we moms go though to get our children up and out the door to responsible adulthood. I'm so impressed by the care and reflection of each mother; and humbled. I sometimes tend to blow through my kids emotional needs like a bull in China shop  .
But I have to wonder out loud. Would not a topic discussion of the four temperaments (moderated by some experienced temperaments guru in our group) be helpful to many moms as they mull over the whys and wherefores of their children's behaviours? It is not a topic that needs to be beaten to death for sure; it could be over emphasized and overdone. But many moms are simply not aware that some of the trouble they are having with their kids are genuine, God-given temperament/personality differences and interactions going on their families. Although, the thought also occurs to me that many of the ladies on this board are actually already acquainted well-enough with the four temperaments. I guess I'm thinking of some of the newer moms with younger children. Knowing that the four temperaments actually exist is such an excellent starting point for a frustrated young mother. (I'm speaking from some young mother experiences here!  )
A controlling Choleric mother (such as myself) may find herself crushing her brooding, sensitive Melancholic son or daughter (like my oldest son); which is probably one of the most common interactions challenges of many mother-children relationships on this board.
I don't want to dwell on the temperaments, but I've found it so incredibly helpful in my own understanding of my children that I can't help but crow it's usefulness from the rooftops once in a while.
My brooding son is hard to take most days, and I could easily (and sometimes do) show more affection for my sweet, affable, sanguine daughter whose temper-tantrums are even a pleasure to watch  . But knowing these essential, and I emphasize again God-given differences between the two children's personalities, I strive to temper my own reactions (which are almost always too strong in any direction) to my children approapriately according to what I've learned about how God made them and me.
Having not read her writings, I wonder if you experienced CMers could tell me how Miss Mason approached the topic? Did she discuss 'personality' intereactions at any length? Do I sound like a broken record yet? I always come back to this, but I'm always hoping that some frustrated mom can be relieved of some of her anguish by understanding that this stuff is out there for consideration.
Also, I'd like to stress that with the knowledge of the temperaments, we don't make excuses for our children's behaviour. But with a SUPERNATURAL light and prayer we actually seek to overcome the challenges of a particular temperament by examining the vices to overcome and the virtues to be emphasized.
Here's a link of interest...
Fr. Conrad Hock's booklet online
__________________
In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amiefriedl
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 323
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 10:01am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Okay, after a shower and a cup of coffee I've had time to consider my earlier thoughts. It's not a discussion of the temperaments that is needed. It is simply an awareness that is needed. Each mother can take it from there!
Off to do school!
__________________
In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 11:07am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Amie,
I discovered COnrad Hock's book online a couple of years back. It was very interesting to me to find that this "temperament" stuff was actually solidly Catholic and had a long history (there is even a discussion of the temperaments in the 1913 Catholic Encyclopedia) under Character.
I often ponder how our temperaments, as Moms, influence the way we homeschool and the way we deal with our children! I'm a melancholic myself and so is my oldest ds; I internalize things and get impatient when my children "act out" and my temptation is to withdraw, so that's why whining and arguing bother me so much. My 5th son, the pre-teen, is more of a sanguine, I believe.
I think that's one reason I try to pull some structure around myself (jumping cross-thread to our ongoing "how to homeschool?" discussions), because I need that push for myself to interact decisively with my kids instead of just drifting off into my own little world.
A lot of classical educators I know are cholerics, probably because their temperaments are so energetic and strong and ambitious... they are pulled to a style of schooling that appeals to them as structured and "rigorous". Then they find themselves over-driving their kids and perhaps seek out CM or something similar to relax their "controlling" tendencies?
Anyway, I think I'd better go start my day... just rambling here but I thought your comments were interesting and I do think that particularly with pre-teen and teen boys, sometimes character/temperament conflicts have something to do with the struggles that seem so much a part of homeschooling that age, as you said.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 11:33am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Amie and Willa, thanks for the reminder. I know that I'm mostly choleric with some sanguine and melancholic mixed in (definitely not a phlegmatic though, that's my hubby) -- the problem here is that my daughter is almost a complete copy of myself -- down to habits, manner of speaking, silliness (sometimes), bossiness, etc. That's a major reason why we're clashing too.
Thanks for giving me food for thought; I need to look at my books again and perhaps gain better understanding of my boys as well.
God bless,
ps -- Willa, it's interesting that you mention a lot of us are cholerics -- I'm curious to find out how many of us are firstborns too -- once at a birthday party for a homeschooling kid we were amazed after finding out that ALL OF US (6 or 7 moms) were firstborn.
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leonie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2831
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 10:04pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
It always seems to me that, a year or so after receiving FHC, my boys go through a trtying stage. its as though we are testing the "helping" nature of the sacraments. This is probably just my family of boys, though!
The little, sweet child of the FHC day is replaced by a still sweet but more of a testing the limits child.
Living books and the sacraments have helped us through this stage. The Narnia books are good for us when pre-teens go thtough this stage - they show character faults and consequences without preaching.
Saints stories and some extra Masses and Confession are very helpful for me and for the son, too.
I have a 9 year old right now and we are planning to read The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe soon.
Leonie in Sydney
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ALmom
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3299
|
| Posted: June 03 2005 at 10:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm curious. How many folks that have had children that go through a rough 9 - 11 stage have smoother sailing through the early teens? I just remember having a rough time with one child at 1 yo and then smooth sailing through the 2s.
Right now I have 17 yo, 13 yo and 11 yo and the rest are younger. I struggle with the 17 yo the most (and the struggles started around 13). My 17 yo is very sensitive so if I have a bad day and it shows, she might think I'm mad at her. Because she is our oldest, she is also the one we were most controlling with. I didn't want any books in the house that I thought were questionable, she didn't even ride her bike in the street or walk to a neighbor's house by herself for a long time. We were very layed back about climbing trees, academics, etc. Sometimes I think we were a little slow in loosening the veil of protection.
With subsequent children, we haven't had time to proofread every book that comes in, etc. and have to rely on them to do some discernment. They resist us less - but perhaps they just haven't gotten there. Don't get me wrong - we're not talking about trash here which still doesn't come in the house. We're just a little more relaxed.
One area I thought interesting was the discussion about FHC. We have noticed a pattern with all of our children - they get a little scrupulous around FHC time and then recover only to go through it again as we approach Confirmation. Scrupulosity isn't really the right word - it's more like a very heightened sensitivity to sin that could become a problem if dealt with badly. We were so relieved to know this was normal in many sensitive children that had been taught their faith. We went through a lot of agony and needless worry with our oldest before some compassionate hs mom and dad shared a similiar experience. Now we know for sure as we see the same pattern with our other children and since we aren't hyperventilating over it, they get through it with more ease.
I am an oldest and had a lot of responsibility growing up so sometimes I have this fear of asking too much of our oldest, when I really need to demand more. She and I are a lot alike. Don't know a whole lot about temperment types, but do know I always wondered why I had trouble deciding where my skills were. I just seemed stubborn, with a fiery temper. When our 2nd dd had a significant vision problem interfering with learning, I finally figured out that my stubborness was simply one manifestation of my character (the negative aspect) but there was a giftedness under there somewhere that allowed me to persevere in finding answers for our daughter when all the experts said nothing was wrong. I noticed a book in Sophia Institute Press about taming your temperment (cannot remember the exact title), sounds like a book I need to order soon (as soon as I decide on 3 to give away or get rid of).
Janet
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: what about precocious pre-teens?
