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hobbitmom
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 12:43pm | IP Logged
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There's a family who's been at our church for less than a year. They have eight kids; the oldest is high-school age and the youngest is a toddler. They are all homeschooled, and the family works a little farm out here.
My dh noticed that the father has been missing from church for a long time now, and we were worried something had happened to him. I found out today, through a friend, that he's been in Baghdad for 15 weeks, and will be gone another 11. The family is taking a break from homeschooling so they can just keep the farm going.
I can't imagine how hard things must be for her, and for the kids. My friends and I want to help, but we also don't want to impose... she's the "strong, silent type" and not at all given to talk about her difficulties, much less ask for help with them. We'd like to get to know her better, but she's so quick to leave at the end of Mass that it's hard to catch her.
We've discussed sending flowers and a card with a spiritual bouquet, plus an offer to have our own husbands show up at her farm one weekend to do whatever manly-type jobs need doing. She might not like it if we just descended on her, but then she might simply say "Thanks, I'm fine" if we asked how we could help...
All you moms of many, especially those of you who are military, do you have any suggestions for us?
Thanks,
Amy
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Martha
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 1:15pm | IP Logged
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The very first thing I would do, is call and invite her (and kids of course!) for a cup of coffee/tea and conversation.
But that's pretty much what I do for everything. 
Rather than base what I think on hearsay, I'd get to know her and go from there.
It's very possible she has the older children doing far more than you think or that she's far more organized or whatever.
I LOVE the idea of everyone being so willing to help!
But the first step is getting to know her, so you know how to help when it's needed and she feels comfortable with it. 
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chicken lady
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 1:19pm | IP Logged
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Amy you are so wondeful to take action, faith without works is dead, I will pray for you and your wonderful family.
If you send a spiritual bouquet let us know, perhpas we can add to it.
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Kim F
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 1:55pm | IP Logged
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She might not like it if we just descended on her, but then she might simply say "Thanks, I'm fine" if we asked how we could help... >>
You need to descend. : ) She will not ask and will likely turn away the help especially if she doesnt know you well.
When Allen was deployed last time a friend and her dh "descended" upon us. They landed here and stayed put until he hit the green grass of the US again. I am grateful forever for that! They fixed flat tires, brought me groceries when Braxton Hicks picked up, and took my girls shoe shopping. This friend ended up filling ice packs and holding my hair back while I was in labor - alone - hrs before Allen arrived home. It was a blessing.
I remember other deployments when not one human being came around. It was exhausting. Scary exhausting.
If you feel called then I would go with that thought. noone will turn away a dinner ready to go right after mass or fresh flowers for the table. Those things help refresh a woman in the middle of an ordeal and free her to do what she must. A few such moves will help you break the ice and see what else is needed.
Good luck and God bless you!
Kim
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hobbitmom
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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Martha, you're right that she might not be having as hard a time as I think, organization-wise, but I know I'd be a mess (at least emotionally) if dh were gone that long! I think you're also right that the ice needs to be broken first. I don't have her phone number -- neither do my friends, and our church is just a little country mission parish without a directory -- so Kim, I think I'll take your advice and just give her something after Mass this Sunday, without beating around the bush.
What would make a good Sunday dinner for a large family like this? Our own family is just starting out, with ds2 and baby due in August... I'm not used to cooking for so many and am a little intimidated.
Or should I start just with flowers, to keep things simple? And maybe a nice easy coffeecake or something along those lines?
Thanks for the ideas and prayers.
Amy
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Martha
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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hobbitmom wrote:
I know I'd be a mess (at least emotionally) if dh were gone that long! I think you're also right that the ice needs to be broken first.
What would make a good Sunday dinner for a large family like this?
maybe a nice easy coffeecake or something along those lines? |
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That's all I meant, not that you shouldn't help, but that her need may be more emotional than physical. A nice cup of whatever, some chocolate and a friend can go a very long ways.
I'd suggest a coffee cake or something similiar, simply because the one time you do surprise her will probably be the one time she isn't going straight home after mass and can't have a casserole sliding around in the van for 4 hours, kwim?
Otherwise, you really can't go wrong with lots fried chicken! Good hot, better cold, and not too messy to eat or transport.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: June 28 2007 at 3:41pm | IP Logged
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I am sure she would like to know that people from her church community care about her. Most deployed spouses have to be strong to support not only immediate family (dc) but also extended family who call at all hours with panicked questions.
If your dh has some particular repair talents, you can offer them, perhaps with a little card with your phone number. I had many Knights of Columbus "rescue" me - literally - when dh was deployed and my sink got stopped up, my car died, etc. (I killed 4 cars in 6 months...must be a world record.)
You're so kind to do this. I know it will make a big difference!
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juststartn
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You know, a collection of ladies getting together and making some casseroles for her freezer, dropped off by the ever-friendly KoC or Legion of Mary folks from the parish, would probably NOT be turned away. Esp if the meals are big and hearty and can be popped into the oven straight, or even the crockpot...
Is this the first time her DH has been deployed, or is she an old hand at it? Sometimes the things that people think would be overwhelming, aren't for the person, simply because they are used to it. I've got no problem with DH being gone--except at times like Mass, when I could use an extra set of hands for holding fussy infants, lol.
It might be helpful to show up on a Saturday morning, just matter of factly, with all of the menfolk (young and older) you can round up--I'm sure that the labor would NOT be unappreciated, esp at this time of year, and any tools you might be needing.
Rachel
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Elizabeth
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I'm not a military wife but my dh is gone all the time  . It would be so very nice to have men show up with tools in hand to do all the things that I can't do while taking care of little people and my teenagers don't yet know how to do.I remember snow shoveling being particularly impossible. An offer to drive is always nice, too, particularly if her children are involved in things away from home. It's difficult to pick an older child up at 8PM when the wee ones are to be in bed. The older child is out, so he can't stay at home with the little ones, while I run real quick in the car. Meals are great and so is the offer to just pick up a couple of gallons of milk or loaves of bread--trips that would be huge for her (especially if none of her children yet drive), but no big deal for someone else.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Kim F
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An offer to drive is always nice, too, particularly if her children are involved in things away from home. >>
so true! We did get driving help as well. I returned the favor once dh was home.
Kim
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hobbitmom
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Okay, this is really weird timing...
Ds2 and I go to daily Mass in a nearby town, since our home parish is too small to offer it (we don't even have our own pastor). And who should be there this morning but this mom and one of her sons! I was thrilled to see her. One of the couples there had invited everyone over to their house for brunch after Mass, and they came along, so she and I finally got to talk.
Her name is Lee; her husband's name is Mike. Please keep them and their family in your prayers -- Mike is in the green zone in Baghdad. Lee and the children are doing well, and friends are helping them with yard and farm work... but the strain of not knowing exactly when Mike is coming home, and knowing that he's in danger, is taking its toll, as you can imagine. Her eyes had that look of someone who's been dealing with great pain for a long time. I was embarrassed when she asked how I was doing (with this pregnancy), and if there was anything she could do to help me!
I got her phone number and plan to bring her flowers after Sunday Mass, then call her next week and invite her for coffee. (If she can get away for daily Mass and brunch, maybe she can get away for a visit.) Then I'll just play it by ear. Maybe in the end there won't be much she needs materially, but she really seemed like she could use the moral support.
Thanks, everyone, for the ideas and suggestions. I'll keep this on file.
Amy
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Rachel May
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Sounds like God has a plan for you, Amy!
For me one of the best things was someone actually asking,"How are you doing?" and wanting to hear the answer.
Also, if you are a saying-hello-hugger, that was so great, and I'm shy about hugging. 
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KC in TX
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Oh, Amy, I could just hug you. Thank you, from this military wife, for caring. As Kim said, there are many times when not a single soul shows up. I know she will appreciate the moral support--it means the world.
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Jess
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I agree, just showing that you are interested and concerned means so much. Moral support is the best you can give, and if you can help out with other things (you or someone else) that is great too. She may just need to talk or be in the company of other adults. Keep up the good work. God has definately led you to this woman! You are a blessing to her!
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God bless,
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How can we help this mom?
