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rose gardens
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| Posted: April 16 2007 at 1:33pm | IP Logged
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What do you do to "guard" your inner peace against attacks when parenting large families who often make lots of noise?
My children accumulately make lots of noise, which lately has been getting to me. I've been yelling a lot more and confessed this yesterday on Divine Mercy Sunday. What a a wonderful day that was, and I enjoyed my children again! It was also the first day of nice weather we had in a long time, and the children played in the yard (without standing right next to me.) Yet when I fixed a nice dinner, suddenly everyone descended upon me for the meal, each pushing all my triggers simulateously, and I again lost my patience.
I notice that my children yell at me a lot too. Not in a mean way, but just a constant, "MOM! MOM! I NEED SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY..." or "MOM! MOM! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING BECAUSE I NOTICED A MOMENT OF SILENCE AND WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!" (Some are definately louder and more disruptive than others, and it's definately related to their personalities.)
I used to find both quiet time and couple time with my husband at night after the children were in bed, but our teenagers stay up longer now. I began staying up later and later, but I think that just makes me more tired and irritable. (I just began this weekend to get to bed earlier, even if it's without my husband. I don't know if that will work long term with for my marriage, but I think I need to do it right now.)
I need more quiet prayer and solitude. I think the lack of it largely contributes to my lack of peace, and my tendacy to yell at them. I don't know how to build up my defenses to guard my internal peace against such external attacks.
Do any of you enforce "quiet times", and if so how do you accomplish that with the mix of toddlers and teenagers?
Any other ideas?
Thanks in advance.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: April 16 2007 at 1:40pm | IP Logged
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Well, I would think you can enforce quiet time even with teens. After all, you're not telling them to nap.. just telling them to be quiet. 
You might want to make your bedroom more of a retreat.. if you can get a comfy chair in there and a reading light.. and maybe a little table to be able to hold your tea or something. That way you can escape the rest of the house rather than having to kick everyone else out to get some quiet time.
Perhaps a movie for the kids and you running away to your room for quiet would keep them occupied so that you really get some down time.
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: April 16 2007 at 2:35pm | IP Logged
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We still enforce quiet times. My teen is allowed to be up until 10, but after about 8pm, he has to be in his room, because 8:30ish to 10 is mom/dad time for the tv if we want it. The girls have varying bedtimes but all are in bed or on a couch reading quietly (away from mom and dad).
We also have afternoon quiet time when the baby naps. Everyone is supposed to be alone (which happens about 50% of the time because I sometimes have to pair a younger child with an older one) and doing something quiet. This lasts about 1 1/2 hours. I could not function without these quieter moments in the day. I've also noticed that it cuts down on bickering because the kids get a break from each other and then are happy to come back together to play after an enforced rest.
I'll admit to being a nap nazi, too.  I don't like to deal with crabby babies, so we choose activities that work with our schedule, rather than against it.
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Maturemomg
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| Posted: April 16 2007 at 2:42pm | IP Logged
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Yes on the quiet times. Been a while since I've done it, but we used to have 1-2 hours of silent reading every day. You can read anything, but you must be quiet,
Yours in Chirst,
Kathy
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JenniferS
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| Posted: April 16 2007 at 11:06pm | IP Logged
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We also haev a mandatory quit time, much like Books or maturemomg's. When the babies nap, we hvae silent redaing time for at least an hour a day. I also get art supplies and lt the bigger kids go wild while the littles are napping. They have to use quiet voices, or they can't have the supplies. It keeps them busy for a good long time. HOwever, the art time is pretty messy. The kids have to clean up after themselves, but there is usually some sort of mess left over.
Jen
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rose gardens
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| Posted: April 17 2007 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all! I feel confirmed in my need for more quiet to regain and maintain my composure.
I like Jodie's idea about a bedroom retreat. I used to retreat to our den, but we keep a piano there. One of my children (ironically, the quitest one!) began lesson this year and really took to practicing piano often throughout the day, including the time I used to have a few moments to myself. I don't want to discourage piano practice, so I very much like the idea of retreating to my bedroom.
I also realize that I need to correct my children's habits of making almost constant noise. It's hard with toddlers, but if the school aged children attended a formal classroom they certainly wouldn't be allowed to speak or disrupt anytime they wished. The constant interuptions get to me, and eventually I blow it.
Also, last night after the younger children were in bed, I got away for a few moments to go to an adoration chapel. I don't know how realistic it would be for me to do it routinely, but I learned of a situation in our extended family that needed some serious prayer. Getting away to pray before the Holy Eucharist in a room filled with the smell of Easter lillies brought great peace.
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: April 19 2007 at 9:49am | IP Logged
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I just want you to know I do what Jodie suggeted...I call it my "sanctuary" to the kids and tell them it is necessary. Period.
I also make sure the kids can do this if they need to. I have kids trying to "get away" from the little ones when they are grumpy or extra tired (it's pretty impossible in this house)--- and children who are more introverted, Melancholic-types who just are wired for more alone time. Keep this in mind too. That's who I am....I get overstimmed easily and need those
periodic "retreats" into nothingness!
Another way to guard your peace without retreating yourself.. is to isolate individuals (or a quiet two) into rooms. If the noise level increases or a particular child is taking that tone with me over and over, I end up sending them into Solitary Time in a bedroom for a while until the wind changes. Sometimes I have to do it several times with several children on a particularly riled-up day (like in expectation of a celebration or trip), but eventually, the dynamic changes and I avoid killing people.
This was a GREAT question!
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rose gardens
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| Posted: April 30 2007 at 4:26pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for sharing.
I wanted to update what's going on here. The "sanctuary" idea works for me some nights. At night the younger children are quiet in their beds, the older children are usually in the basement, and our theoretical "couple time" doesn't happen in the evenings much anymore anyway. Reading in my bedroom also serves to remind me to go to sleep! In needing/wanting time to myself, I seriously neglected my sleep.
To make up for my sleep depravation, I relied more and more on coffee. A few weeks before I posted this thread, I had switched to a different brand of beans, which must have a significantly higher caffeine content. The restless, need-for-peace feeling, had been building for a while, but those feeling became almost overwhelming about the same time of my coffee switch. Anyway, someone else's jittery hand following a cup got me thinking that's some mighty strong coffee, and with all the coffee I drank, no wonder I felt so jittery!
I switched to de-caf and try to get more sleep, which seems to help me cope much better with life around here. I didn't get enough sleep again last night and today I feel tired and cranky, but I'm fighting the urge to make a pot of coffee because I know that adding jittery and restless to tired and cranky just doesn't help the situation. Tonight, it's an early bedtime. 
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ALmom
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| Posted: April 30 2007 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
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I have been there and discovered a few things:
If I consciously try to speak in a softer voice to all my children and instead of barking commands, I ask politely, my dc will eventually imitate that. We also insist on this in behavior in general. Ie, a toddler that is whining must ask nicely, etc. It is a long term training project - just as you train them to share, to chew with their mouth closed - we are training them to consider the needs of others. I can ask them to have a certain behavior for a reasonable time if they are well fed, well rested and in general good health and generally are getting plenty of mommy time. With a toddler, I may only ask for a few minutes of quiet and then re-direct the activity to something I have energy to supervise. I may have to use some special quiet activity that is a rare treat to encourage this. As they get older, I obviously can ask for longer time periods and it doesn't take as much of my energy.
We all also have permission to ask nicely when something someone else is doing is a serious annoyance. If the noise level is so loud that I'm feeling that pressure cooker feeling, I do bring the children together and say something to the effect: "Mommy knows you are not doing anything wrong, but right now I just need a bit of quiet. And I direct them to some sort of quit game or activity. So while I haven't done the quiet, in your room thing every day, they do accomodate me when I really must have a break. It is easier now that I have older dc to chip in. It was much harder when there were only toddlers. A young child may ask for someone to do something with a toddler who keeps interfering with some special project - and I run interference for a bit. Now I have olders to help entertain (in silence) a toddler or young child or help run interference.
Janet
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CKwasniewski
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| Posted: April 30 2007 at 6:29pm | IP Logged
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Hi ladies,
I'd like to get more specific advice on carving out this quiet time. I've tried and flopped a few times... but I think my 2 are old enough now(4,7) that there is no excuse!
How do I start this? How can I make it stick?
Sorry, if I'm hijacking this post!
Thanks,
CK
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Dawnie
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| Posted: May 01 2007 at 11:57am | IP Logged
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Hi CK,
Here is what I do to carve out quiet time...
I start at the same time each day, or close to it. It's between 2 and 3 pm, for us. I put the baby and my almost 5yo in bed with me. The almost 3yo can either sleep on a sleeping bag in my room, or in her bed. I tell my almost 8yo to get a few books or something quiet she'd like to do and take it to her room. My almost 8yo will have consequences if she comes into my room and disturbs me during quiet time. The 3 younger children have to lie down for at least an hour. If they fall asleep, I just let them sleep until they wake up, usually. If they aren't asleep after an hour, then they can get up. If they fall asleep, sometimes I will, too. Depends on how tired I am. I find that the dc tend to settle down easier if i read a nap-time story to them.
HTH
Dawn
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: May 23 2007 at 7:57am | IP Logged
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Hi Moms,
This topic of the, "noise" level in our home and van has been heavy on my heart lately. I feel for you Rose Garden. We take in foster children in our echoey house. Our last one was a failure-to-thrive baby who screamed constantly. Well, after seven months she calmed down but then returned to her birth home. Meanwhile we had a three-year-old with attachment issues and major screaming/temper tantrums. Thank the good Lord, those are spacing out somewhat. So, my dh is one of the loudest snorers in the history of mankind, I am sure. One of my teenagers just talks, what seems like, non-stop and we homeschool him. Need-less-to-say, my ears just plain hurt. Even short trips in the van with the family makes me extremely nervous. We are going on a pilgrimage soon that is five hours away. I am seriously concerned since I can barely manage a fifteen minute trip with them. My dh, two teenage sons and two toddlers are just all screamers and loud. My foster toddler does not stop chatting or making some kind or obnoxious noise (attachment issue). I have taken to wearing my dh's headphones he uses for target practice. The kids wear them to do their schooling, but sometimes I take them and it's like having a mini-vacation from the noise. I hate to wear them in the van so I can help my dh pay attention to the road and to the children but...I just may have to. He wants me to go on a trip with him and the boys which would be about eight hours away. I want to go but with my sensitive ears, I just can't even stomach the idea. I really want to get out of the house and take a trip but the thought of all the noise...my dh says I am just getting old but...I am not that old. God bless you in your quests for the quiet. -BlessedBGod, NC, dh of sixteen years, ds' 16, 14,...homeschooled since their time in the womb, 3 and fd 4
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: May 26 2007 at 1:03pm | IP Logged
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If I consciously try to speak in a softer voice to all my children and instead of barking commands, I ask politely, my dc will eventually imitate that.
I too have found this to work....
and I know when I am NOT doing it, because the niose level and amount or my raised voice makes it obvious, lol.
a funny:
we did this for about two weeks and then I got sick for a week right, after I lost my voice, completely, for five days with a few extra days on very quiet whispering. after that time, the two yr old just walked around whispering for everything. it was pretty funny actually, but very peaceful.....
then we all went to legoland and she was amazed to see even adults yelling and screaming on the rides LOL. then she went around for a week going "woohoo" while throwing her arms up in the air! too funny! LOL
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: guarding my peace
