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stellamaris
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Well, now that our homes are all organized and we are each down to three toys and four books  , it's time to move on to Chapter 4: Rhythm.
Shall we try to focus our discussion on the "bubbles" in this chapter? The first two say:
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| Increasing the rhythm of your home life is one of the most powerful ways of simplifying your children's lives. |
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| Rhythm and ritual are what we aim for; predictability may be what we can achieve. |
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I long for more "rhythm" in my days, but there is a large factor of unpredictability with older children in the mix. Also, I want more rhythm and steadiness, but I like variety and surprises. Does any one know what I mean? I feel like I have kind of a split personality on this issue  .
I would like to add here that one thing that I really appreciated about this book was the confirmation it does give to those of us who are living a counter-cultural lifestyle. It is not at all easy in this day and age to keep a family together as a focused unit, even when the children are little. There are just too many temptations and distractions, between material possessions, activities, "screens",and other entertainments that draw us apart. The pressure on parents to not "deprive" their children of all these "opportunities" is tremendous, and I, for one, was happy to get a little support from someone who values ordinary family interaction and a reasonable level of material possessions and activities.
What are your thoughts?
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Caroline
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Marcia
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I really got teary on this chapter thinking about how the dad was present to the daughter by leaving the door open to his workshop in the basement.
I felt encouraged that he said that we should try to have some givens in a day....like we always wash our hands before a meal....we always welcome daddy home at the door....we always read one book and sing the Salve Regina before bed, etc.
I've put a lot of those rhythms in our life over the years, but I need to consciously try to do more of it.
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Marcia
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I wonder why
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stellamaris
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Just wanted to quickly link to this lovely thread on morning prayers in our homes. When I think of rituals that have value and bring peace and healing to my home, our prayer rituals have got to be the most important. There are some sweet ideas in this thread.
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Caroline
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Barbara C.
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Not that our days are at all uniform, but I think that only having one vehicle helps us keep a better rhythm in our lives. When my husband was on break, I used to feel like I had to take advantage of having the car and things would get so chaotic (as if having him home so much isn't chaotic enough ).
My oldest daughter especially needs routine. She still sometimes has emotional melt-downs if things get changed at the last minute (at least changed in a way she doesn't like). But that's one reason I try to do some schoolwork in between semesters, even if it's just 15 minutes as a place-holder in our daily routine.
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Willa
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Marcia wrote:
| I felt encouraged that he said that we should try to have some givens in a day....like we always wash our hands before a meal....we always welcome daddy home at the door....we always read one book and sing the Salve Regina before bed, etc. |
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Marcia,
I loved these little ideas and would love it if others would list a couple of their most cherished "givens" in a day.
I try to make sure and greet the littlies warmly in the morning and spend a bit of time with them.
I also try to get the kitchen ready for the next day before I go out of it the evening before.
One more thing I do is plan a bit of time to get back in touch with my house after we've been out. We live out in the mountains and our errands are exhausting, so giving myself 15 minutes or so to just putter and get back into things helps keep me from being exhausted and harassed. And it also helps my kids make the transition if I take it slow and don't rush right into the next thing.
My delayed 10 year old has a little list of things he's supposed to do before bedtime and we list it off together on his fingers.... take meds, brush teeth, say prayer, go to the bathroom, and then bedtime.
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Willa
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Waverley
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stellamaris wrote:
| I would like to add here that one thing that I really appreciated about this book was the confirmation it does give to those of us who are living a counter-cultural lifestyle. It is not at all easy in this day and age to keep a family together as a focused unit, even when the children are little. There are just too many temptations and distractions, between material possessions, activities, "screens",and other entertainments that draw us apart. The pressure on parents to not "deprive" their children of all these "opportunities" is tremendous, and I, for one, was happy to get a little support from someone who values ordinary family interaction and a reasonable level of material possessions and activities. |
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I agree! This book has been refreshing in this regard. I am so glad y'all started this book club.
As for creating rhythm in the day, I agree that it is often the little things. One thing we do is bless each other before we leave the house. I have a Holy Water font by the front door and we bless each other and ourselves before we leave. It makes us stop for just a moment and physically touch each other. We do not rush. This has actually made leaving the house much more relaxing.
I can't wait to hear what others do!
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LucyP
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Oh rhythm is soooo important for healing my traumatised adopted children, and also for our educational style which is Catholic version of waldorf.
We have so many things that always happen - candles at prayer time, candles at story time, the same rhymes and songs at bedtime - actually as Catholics, we have so many rhythms naturally, don't we? Mass on Sunday, the same prayers said each morning/when we hear sirens/when we pass a cemetary/at meals. I am so glad we say a true thanks to a true God at meal times rather than singing little ditties to the bees - although that can be fun too.
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DominaCaeli
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LucyP wrote:
| actually as Catholics, we have so many rhythms naturally, don't we? Mass on Sunday, the same prayers said each morning/when we hear sirens/when we pass a cemetary/at meals. I am so glad we say a true thanks to a true God at meal times rather than singing little ditties to the bees - although that can be fun too. |
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I just finished this chapter last night, and I was thinking the same thing, Lucy--the Church's devotions and calendar provide such a rhythm to our days! I am grateful to have that "leg up" in this area.
This also reminds me of the "pegs" system so much talked about on these boards--pegging activities or rituals to various times of the day. Morning prayers at breakfast, evening devotions after brushing teeth, Angelus at noon...these are all natural rhythms in our home, and I am thankful for them. I agree with KJP that these kinds of "little things" can create peace and comfort for both the children AND the parents--I know I benefit just as much from as my littles do!
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LeeAnn
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I finished this chapter last night. Other than his specific recommendations to simplify food & meal choices, I thought KJP spent most of the chapter trying to re-invent traditional Catholic practices for the non-religious.  Mealtime prayer becomes a minute of silence. Morning offering, daily examination of conscience (now repackaged as "what was good?" and "what was challenging today?"), bedtime prayer, etc, all have origins in the Liturgy of the Hours, not to mention the seasonal liturgical observances. How great a gift we have been given in our faith that has come with these natural rhythyms already developed for us!
I found in this chapter mainly a reminder for myself to stick with the rythyms the Church has given us--and also a reminder not to let bedtime storytime get shunted off to "tomorrow" because I am too tired! Those predictable events are important and enjoyable.
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SeaStar
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Quote:
I would like to add here that one thing that I really appreciated about this book was the confirmation it does give to those of us who are living a counter-cultural lifestyle. It is not at all easy in this day and age to keep a family together as a focused unit, even when the children are little. There are just too many temptations and distractions, between material possessions, activities, "screens",and other entertainments that draw us apart. The pressure on parents to not "deprive" their children of all these "opportunities" is tremendous, and I, for one, was happy to get a little support from someone who values ordinary family interaction and a reasonable level of material possessions and activities.
What are your thoughts? |
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Yes, I also appreciated seeing this in print... it is an issue I struggle with daily. Even just homeschooling isn't so "odd" anymore, but giving up other things to focus on family is viewed as down right bizarre.
So often I hear moms in my neighborhood say things like: "staying home drives me crazy! We have to get out every day. " And they're not talking about a nature walk, either.
Where do those of us fit in who do value gentle rhythms like just letting the kids play, having family prayer every evening, etc? Right now my kids are too young to notice (or care much) that we are not going to a one day horse camp on MLK Day or playing year round sports.
I wonder if this simple lifestyle is something I can teach them is normal (just as, unfortunately, I seem to have taught them that having 150 toys is normal  ). Will their acceptance last into the teen years?
And, while I do truly enjoy our simple days and less hectic pace, I do feel the sting of being an oddball in a place where it's all about having activities after school every day and mom's nights out and going to the gym.
Recently the HS group here had a mom's breakfast at 7 Am... and then some of the moms met earlier, at 6, to go walking and/or jogging... which just seemed to me, once again, to illustrate that concept of always feeling that everything has to be more, more, more... one more thing crammed in.
Or maybe it just illustrates that I am way too lazy to get up that early in the dark and cold to go running.
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Marcia
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Oh I feel you on the oddball thing.
I was *blessed* with a cold going through this house...and a nasty one that took two weeks off each of our lives. This meant nearly a month of saying no to things. And the rhythms that we were able to stick to were AMAZING! When we had nothing to pull us away from the house we were able to always do Lectio in the morning. We always ate breakfast together. we had consistent meal times. It was wonderful!
Personally my extrovert self was dying, but my other mommy self that get's stressed out was so happy and willing to give more love to those runny noses and cranky kids.
When I had two kids we had such a nice rhythm of quiet time in the afternoon. I am really struggling to get my 5 year old boy to love the silence at home for 1 hour. I have to nearly coerce or strangle him into giving the time to me. I love to be able to hear the ticking of the clock and drip of the freezing rain today while I am having my "quiet time".
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Barbara C.
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Well, I think the oddball thing is because as homeschoolers one of the extra pressures is to not be the stereotype: kids chained to the kitchen table for 6 hours over text books, never being allowed to leave the house and socialize; mom making everything from scratch, wearing a denim jumper with her knee-length hair up in a bun. I think a lot of homeschoolers over-plan activities to say "see, we're not the stereotypical weirdos".
I think sometimes it has to do more with the mothers than the kids. Going from working full-time to staying at home can be a big mental adjustment, so you wonder if they are scheduling all these field trips and group meetings with their two-year-old more for their own social needs.
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Willa
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Barbara C. wrote:
| Well, I think the oddball thing is because as homeschoolers one of the extra pressures is to not be the stereotype: kids chained to the kitchen table for 6 hours over text books, never being allowed to leave the house and socialize; mom making everything from scratch, wearing a denim jumper with her knee-length hair up in a bun. |
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Hey, have you been looking into my house?
Seriously, I think it's true that homeschoolers sometimes feel the pressure to do everything that schools do, only better. None of us are immune and sometimes non-homeschoolers play into it, even sympathetically "Oh, you are a homeschooler! I bet you do (X, Y, Z neat things)". It sometimes makes me feel a bit guilty because so often our treasured moments aren't cool travelling experiences or co-ops or contests, but quiet moments on the couch reading chapter after chapter of a great book, or a walk in the forest with a couple of teenagers, etc... doesn't sound quite so inspiring.
On the unschooling Catholic list Leonie just linked to this post of Julie Bogarts' at Bravewriter keeping the home in homeschooling that shows the positive side of preserving the family's homelike rhythm and balance. I thought it might fit in nicely with this discussion.
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Willa
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SeaStar
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Leonie's post is just wonderful! Thanks for linking it, Willa.
After reading Chapter 4, I have been contemplating the value of rhythm as well as *which* rhythms to add (or drop).
During Advent we read a book each night and lit a candle on our Yule log before prayers. My dc so enjoy this every year... now I am extending that rhythm into lighting a candle each night and reading a loud a chapter from a
Vision book (currently John Bosco). That was a good add.
Purging books has made me realize how many of our favorites have been "sunk" under a load of "just OKs". When the kids were younger, I used to read to them at tough transition times (late afternoons, especially, when everyone is tired and grumpy). The last year we had started drifting away from that, with me asking the kids more to entertain themselves in that transition time before dinner. Now I have gone back to reading to them during that slot, and it has helped on so many levels. When Dad walks in the door they are happy to see him, but they don't wildly swamp him for half an hour and get all wound up- I guess because they have had my attention for a time and don't feel so needy. Plus we are enjoying a lot of our old favorites. AND- I sit on the couch for 30-45 minutes with them and then get up feeling rested (almost)- not nearly so tired as we head into the dinner hour.
I contemplate other additions... things like a walking time for me early in the morning. The kids might get used to me being up and gone when they wake up... but somehow it doesn't feel like it would be helpful for anyone but me, you know?
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stellamaris
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| somehow it doesn't feel like it would be helpful for anyone but me, you know? |
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You are not more important than any member of your family, but you are as important. Maintaining your health and offsetting the stress of homeschooling by regular exercise is one of the most valuable long-term things you can do for yourself and, by extension, for your family. If you can make this part of your "rhythm", you should definitely do it.
Willa, I loved that article, also. No time to comment now, but it has much food for thought in it.
What about the problem of rituals "taking over" a family? I think this has come up before on the forum...especially wrt the liturgical year celebrations.
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Caroline
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SeaStar
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stellamaris wrote:
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| somehow it doesn't feel like it would be helpful for anyone but me, you know? |
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You are not more important than any member of your family, but you are as important. Maintaining your health and offsetting the stress of homeschooling by regular exercise is one of the most valuable long-term things you can do for yourself and, by extension, for your family. If you can make this part of your "rhythm", you should definitely do it.
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I think I am approaching a point where this might be doable in the near future, but right now I think it would be more of a wrench in the morning routine and thus more of a stress=producer.
Also, I wonder... if I go out and exercise in the morning, will I be as enthusiastic about rounding up the troops to go for long nature walks later in the day? We walk together almost every day.
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Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
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stellamaris
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| We walk together almost every day. |
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That's a great "rhythm". I think we definitely need to try out different options. When a rhythm or ritual "fits", it will actually work and feel right. I have found that when I push too hard to incorporate certain daily/weekly events, I just can't seem to continue to do them over the long haul. I guess, as you say, that they produced more stress than they alleviated.
My comment came from the perspective of long years of homeschooling. If I could have done one thing differently, it would have been to make my own health a higher priority, and not feel "selfish" for letting some other things slide to take care of it. I am now playing catch-up, and my family does suffer as a result. 
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Caroline
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LucyP
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I totally see how doing too much in terms of traditions/rituals could become counterproductive and "take over" - but for me, part of the way to avoid that, is to ground what works in the reality of my family. Not reading a book, or website, or blog and thinking "we should do that too". What arises more from our own observation of our needs and desires and the areas that are difficult (like the gap between dinner and bed, for example) and need some support to get over - those little rituals and traditions carry on - for as long as they are needed (and in our family, some things stay, some things are "just for a season"
I was reading The Introduction to the Devout Life" and St Francis says there about true devotion doing no harm to our vocations but instead perfecting them. I found that very enlightening - when I struggle with feeling we don't do as many prayers as some others, or make daily Mass, or do lots of liturgical year celebrations. I feel our rhythym isn't "catholic" enough. But that section reminded me why we don't do all the other things - it is harmful to my vocation which right now is wife, mama to a 2yo and 6yo, and that the things we don't do would not perfect us but cause more stress and unhappiness. We just massively simplified our prayer routine because although I want more for the children as they grow up - right now, simple, lots of repetition, coming close to Jesus is best for them. So, for example, we abandoned reading the daily gospel, and just read the Sunday gospel every day so it becomes very familiar.
Maybe decluttering our minds and the amount of information we have, the sheer volume of choices and the often very intimate knowledge we have of other families' choices where ritual and rhythms are concerned is also needed? I know it is for me. I am also reading "The Lily Pad List" and it covers much about mental decluttering.
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SeaStar
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LucyP wrote:
I totally see how doing too much in terms of traditions/rituals could become counterproductive and "take over" - but for me, part of the way to avoid that, is to ground what works in the reality of my family. Not reading a book, or website, or blog and thinking "we should do that too". What arises more from our own observation of our needs and desires and the areas that are difficult (like the gap between dinner and bed, for example) and need some support to get over - those little rituals and traditions carry on - for as long as they are needed (and in our family, some things stay, some things are "just for a season"
I was reading The Introduction to the Devout Life" and St Francis says there about true devotion doing no harm to our vocations but instead perfecting them. I found that very enlightening - when I struggle with feeling we don't do as many prayers as some others, or make daily Mass, or do lots of liturgical year celebrations. I feel our rhythym isn't "catholic" enough. But that section reminded me why we don't do all the other things - it is harmful to my vocation which right now is wife, mama to a 2yo and 6yo, and that the things we don't do would not perfect us but cause more stress and unhappiness. We just massively simplified our prayer routine because although I want more for the children as they grow up - right now, simple, lots of repetition, coming close to Jesus is best for them. So, for example, we abandoned reading the daily gospel, and just read the Sunday gospel every day so it becomes very familiar.
Maybe decluttering our minds and the amount of information we have, the sheer volume of choices and the often very intimate knowledge we have of other families' choices where ritual and rhythms are concerned is also needed? I know it is for me. I am also reading "The Lily Pad List" and it covers much about mental decluttering. |
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Great post!! 
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Pamin OZ
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LucyP wrote:
Maybe decluttering our minds and the amount of information we have, the sheer volume of choices and the often very intimate knowledge we have of other families' choices where ritual and rhythms are concerned is also needed? |
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And not just for rituals and rhythms, I think. I have been thinking of just how much new "stuff" I get my brain to process all.the.time. But I think I'm addicted- if there's not new stuff coming in, I get bored. And yet I had the confusion that it leaves me in.
Have been pondering this for a few weeks, now.
Pam
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4Real Forums : Book Club
Topic: Simp. Parent. Ch 4: Rhythms
