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Anonymous
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| Posted: May 18 2012 at 1:19am | IP Logged
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What advice can you give for parenting a 16 year old who informs you suddenly that he will not be receiving Holy Communion anymore because he does not believe in God?
Please, please pray that this situation resolves. It is heartbreaking.
Thank you.
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: May 18 2012 at 4:56am | IP Logged
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My situation isn't exactly the same, but hopefully it will help...
My brother was about 18 when he left the Catholic Church. He still believed in God, but he started going to other churches, or no church at all. He said he no longer believed in what the Catholic Church teaches.
My mom and I started praying every day that his eyes would be opened to the truth. We didn't know what else to do. For every argument we brought up, he had a rebuttle and it was ruining our relationship. Mom decided it was better that he still come home, then not come home because of the constant arguing. So we just kept praying. It took a while, maybe a year, but he came around and is now a man who is very strong in his Catholic Faith.
Perhaps this is your son's way of rebelling. So many teens go through a rebellion period. Some actually have to leave before they can come back and embrace the faith as their own. Put him in our Lord's hands. Pray the rosary often for him. Just keep praying. I will pray for him as well.
God bless you. I know this must be so difficult. 
__________________
Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Aagot
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| Posted: May 18 2012 at 9:58am | IP Logged
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He has integrity! How many in the pew still receive without believing? I would turn it into an intellectual pursuit for him (if he is willing). Something like this. "okay, I appreciate your honesty. Please list for me all the things you don't believe. I challenge you to prove the Church wrong. You do the research. Here are some resources that support Church teaching. You can find those that don't. If there is a question you cannot find the answer to, you can call Catholic Answers or go online to Catholic.com By the end of the year, I expect a well written research paper explaining your findings, your conclusion etc."
This is just off the top of my head. I am sure we could come up with a ton of resources for you. Even if he still wants to hold to his disbelief, the seeds will be planted for his return.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: May 18 2012 at 10:02am | IP Logged
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I'm so sorry and praying mightily. You are not alone! I will pray for wisdom, peace, and Godly strength! You are doing great and mighty work! While you may not feel great and mighty at this moment...you are *doing* what needs to be done. *You* do not need to be perfect...only God is! Leave all of the past the God's Divine Mercy, focus on today, one day at a time.
One of 2 things is going on here; rebellion for rebellion's sake or honest discernment into a personal, adult commitment to the faith. Either way, if dad isn't the primary disciplinarian, that needs to happen now. Your role is changing from one of active influence (mom of little ones, lovingly providing a beautiful Domestic Church) to passive influence. Now, I don't mean "passive" as in doormat, I mean passive as in finding ways to be your teen's biggest fan, support, cheerleader, and mentor.
If it is flat out rebellion, then I would focus on the rebellion (assuming there is more of it across the board) and would focus less on the "content" of religion. A rebellious teen often picks a parent's softest spot to attack, so I feel it is my job to protect my soft spots from the child (if that makes sense). I would do my best to *not react* and do whatever I had to do to keep my peace...to be an example of peace. Focus on ways to bring peace to the relationship (filling up love tanks, setting healthy boundaries with success in mind, etc.) I would be very truthful and plain-spoken with the child, asking questions that cause reflection and concern for others (to help break teen myopic thinking), "Are you doing (fill in the blank) to try and hurt me?" "Are you aware that your siblings are hurt when (fill in the blank)?" In front of the child I would be very clear, strong, head-held-high, my-life-is-purposeful...saving my tears and weakness for private times. I would do my best to not let *this* take over the family.
If it is an honest discerning process, I would ask my child for a meeting to hear me out...make a nice meal or meet someplace neutral...and I would prepare a well-thought out presentation (use an outline and a timer). I would promise to keep my cool and to not go on for more than an hour. (If the child refuses this, then I would lean toward seeing this as a flat out rebellion problem.) During the meeting, I would be very respectful and treat the young man as a young man. I would explain that I have a job to do before God and explain what that looks like. I would explain how I'm not making up these rules, just trying to do right by God. I would avoid apologetics (assuming he *knows* a lot already) but I would offer to be available to answer any of his questions. I would caution that honest discernment can easily turn into a "maze of indecisiveness" and that the quickest way to answering the question, "Is there a God" is by re-framing the question into a prayer, "God, show me that you exist." Then I would ask for 2 things. If this is honest discernment, I would request that he meet with the priest of his choice on a regular basis. I would also request a monthly meeting with me to discuss where he is at in his discerning process. I would ask, "Considering the stakes, do you think this is a reasonable request?"
Basically, I try to keep a cool head (though my heart breaks and my emotions fly) for the sake of my young adult. I've been known to raise my voice, cry, and flee the scene...which sometimes works as a way of matching the stakes and helping another to see my real pain. But I cannot live there, mainly because it is not effective if over-used. If I become too harsh or too weak, I'm too easy to dismiss. So I've really had to work at being reasonable, detached, and honestly concerned with meeting my teens where they are at the moment.
I'm rooting for you! And it may seem counter-intuitive, but be sure to bring some "lightness" into this time for yourself. To balance the difficulties, be sure to do nice things for yourself (chocolate, coffee, movies, music, manicures, new outfit, new dish towels, whatever!) in order to refuel. You will be tempted to become tighter...to sacrifice more...to offer up more...but... This is a marathon so you need to find ways to pace yourself. Respecting your own emotional and physical needs can be humbling, good, and right.
OK, I've blabbed on and need to run . I know I threw out a lot of ideas and may not have explained well and/or made it look like I'm actually good at any of this - I fail so often! But I am getting better at seeing all of this as my job, important work, and just the way it is. My goal is to keep my eyes on God, to beg for help, to rest in His peace, to trust His timing...and to be my very best, authentic, humble-pie eating, self before my teens.
Please ask for clarification and I promise to continue brainstorming with you .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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sunshinyliving
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| Posted: May 19 2012 at 6:56pm | IP Logged
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I grew up in a devout Christian family, and there were MANY times I wondered if I was just brainwashed into believing there was a God by my upbringing, and there were many times I hoped there wasn't a God.
For most people I think belief in God can "fail" for three reasons:
1. just doesn't believe in spiritual things; stuck in the scientific method "mode" of only believing that which can be measured...
2. might believe there is a God, but cannot trust Him for various reasons, does not believe in God's "Goodness"
3. doesn't want to believe there is a God, so that no obedience is required
If I was approached by a teen who suddenly decided he didn't believe there was a God, I would find out what made him conclude this and then try to address that issue.
If it is because the teen looked around and saw very evil things happening in the world, or saw a good person die early, or doesn't see evidence of God working his parish, etc., then take time to deal with these important issues.
On the other hand, the problem might not be so intellectual. It might very well be that he "hopes" there isn't a God, because then he would be free from certain restrictions or obligations. If this is the case, he no longer believes that true happiness is found in God (rather than in the world) and this is the issue that needs to be addressed.
Although it is scary, I think it is a good thing for kids to wrestle with what they believe and why, especially when they're still at home and parents have more input.
Have you heard of Jennifer Fulwiler of CoversionDiary.com? She was an atheist who converted to Catholicism. The book that "opened her eyes" is called The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It is a fascinating book written by a (former atheist) journalist who set out to disprove Christianity and (surprise!) found out that the facts supported Christianity. Strobel is an excellent writer and starts off most "proofs" with an anecdotal journalism story about a surprising turn in a criminal case which in some way illustrates his point. My older children enjoyed reading this book (I have them read it in 8th grade) and still talk about it years later.
(Here is a link to Jennifer's booklist- http://www.conversiondiary.com/books/my-conversion-story-thr ough-books)
May God give you strength during this time in your son's life!
__________________
Diana, wife to Brad, Mom to dd18, dd16, dd13, ds10, dd7, ds5
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kbfsc
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| Posted: June 13 2012 at 8:17pm | IP Logged
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Nothing to add except prayers for you! I strayed from my faith for a season and I firmly believe it was the prayer of my family and the good seeds they planted in my formation that brought me back.
Angie, thank you for what you shared! I really appreciate your wisdom.
__________________
Kiera
happy mama of ds '02, dd '03, ds '06, dd '09 and little ones in heaven
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Teen "does not believe in God"
