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Jenny
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 10:16pm | IP Logged
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I think my 7yo dd is becoming scrupulous. She is the oldest & seems to be having emotional growing pains. She is not having behavior problems or anything...I don't really know how to explain it except I remember feeling how she is. I do know though that she seems to be leaning toward being scrupulous. She is also very tearful when she talks to me about these things. She also takes so much responsibility on too. Tonight, she kept coming to me to talk & the talking made her feel better. I offered her a pallet on our floor for the night. She thought maybe she would sleep there a bit then go back to her room in case her sisters woke up & were scared b/c she wasn't in there. Now, she will most likely sleep the whole night, but the thought that her sisters fear was her biggest concern??
Jenny
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 11:11pm | IP Logged
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Dear Jenny,
I can identify. My 7yo dd has seemed a bit scrupulous to us too. Almost every time she would have a First Confession/First Communion lesson with Daddy, she would come to one of us that evening or the next day in tears, very worried about something she had done. She was always convinced that whatever it was, was seriously sinful. And yet, she is one of the most spiritual and morally strong little girls you would ever meet.
I was a bit concerned that we needed to give her a bit of balance to keep her from becoming scrupulous. We would patiently reassure her that her sins were very normal for a girl her age, and that God is patient with us and understands, and that He would forgive her for anything, etc.
Well, she finally made her First Confession last week. She was frightened up until the moment of going in to see Father. She really had no reason to feel fear-- she sees dh, her older two sisters, and I go to confession every 2-4 weeks during our Wednesday Holy Hour. Her sisters have never said anything negative about the sacrament and avail themselves of it regularly of their own choice. I think the fear came from her feelings that her sins were so awful that Father couldn't possibly understand and maybe that God couldn't forgive.
It was such a joy to see her come out of the confessional with a huge smile on her face! She was so relieved. No concerns at all have been brought forward since that day. I'll be interested to see if the troubles are over now that she can bring her sins to the Lord in the sacrament of confession.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 29 2006 at 11:13pm | IP Logged
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OK, I just re-read your question, Jenny, and realized that maybe you weren't referring to spiritual scrupulosity? If not, just disregard my post above. 
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 5:17am | IP Logged
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Perhaps it's the age? My seven-year-old boy is much the same. He's ultra-sensitive and very much aware of his slightest failing. He's always been sensitive but the hypoer-responsibility and heightened awareness of sin is definitely more intense. He is just super-intense. He received First Communion and confession last year, so it's not the sacrament prep that has raised awareness and he's my fifth, so it's not birth order. I'm a bit perplexed too, and more than a little concerned. 
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Jenny
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 8:14am | IP Logged
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Irene & Elizabeth,
Thank you for your replies. My dd made her First Communion/Confession last year & did not have these fears or emotional rolls at the time. Her scrupulousity is spiritual & just normal daily life. I have reassured her that God loves us & does not remind her of her sins to make her anxious or overly sad. If she remembers something that may be a sin, He just wants her to take it to the confessional & then be done with it. I've told her that when I commit a sin, I am sad b/c I committed a sin, then I ask Jesus to forgive me & then I just try to remember it for my next confession.
I keep telling her to just enjoy where she is & who she is. God made her to "know, love & serve Him, & to be happy with Him in this life & the next."
I too was wondering if it was the age? My dh says it is. He said he remembers feeling this way growing up. He said she's just growing & starting to realize things around her & the way she feels about them.
Jenny
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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MichelleW
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 12:17pm | IP Logged
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You know what you describe IS the age. I checked out a helpful series of books by Louise Bates Ames titled "Your ___ Year Old Child" from our library a few years ago. The chapters describing typical behavior by age were SO helpful. (The rest of the book, parenting tips, etc. I did not enjoy nearly as much, but the age description was spot on).
I checked out the book on 7 year olds because my outgoing ranbuntious second son had become introspective, sensitive and alomst moody. He cried often and every time we discussed spiritual matters he sobbed. It was very alarming. After reading the book, I was able to identify many "odd" behaviors in my oldest when he was 7, as well as assuage my fears about my second son. (The behaviors were there with all my kids at this age, just extremely heightened in this particular child and so opposite to his normal personality that they were quite noticeable).
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Jenny
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 12:37pm | IP Logged
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Michelle,
Do they just mature & "grow out" of this overly sensitive/scrupulous stage or were there specific ideas to help them?
Jenny
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 30 2006 at 12:50pm | IP Logged
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Now I find it fascinating that this would be an age appropriate stage, considering that the age of 7 is the typical age for receiving first confession and first Holy Communion. It makes me think that God inspires children to be a bit more scrupulous than at other times in their lives to prepare them to be aware of their sins at this important spiritual point in life. I guess for many kids it wouldn't really be scrupulosity so much as a healthy sense of sin, since I didn't see a problem in my older two girls. Maybe just certain kids' personalities cause them to take that natural inclination to what seems like unhealthy extremes?
I'm just thinking over these things aloud here. But it does seem to point to the wisdom of the Catholic Church in having children make their first confession at that particular age.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Rachel May
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MichelleW wrote:
| You know what you describe IS the age. I checked out a helpful series of books by Louise Bates Ames titled "Your ___ Year Old Child" from our library a few years ago. The chapters describing typical behavior by age were SO helpful. (The rest of the book, parenting tips, etc. I did not enjoy nearly as much, but the age description was spot on). |
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I just finished the 7 yo book. It's called Your 7 Year Old Child: Life in a Minor Key. The title is a good description, I think, even though ours aren't quite 7 yet. I believe the authors describe 7 as the "eraser" stage because they want everything to be just right.
From that book and the 5 yo book I read, it seemed like the authors are saying that with time things will change so be patient. This doesn't keep me from training the irritating behaviors (like the 5 yo who wants me to dress her every day and night!), but it does give me a better perspective of what's going on in their heads so I can be more patient and forgiving.
The books are very quick reads, especially since there really is a bunch (like discipline) that you can skip.
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ALmom
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It is very normal for those who have been trained well in the faith - but don't feed it with too much digging or detailed analysis. We want our children to have sensitive consciences so we do not want to de-sensitize them - but we don't want them constantly worried. Be especially careful that they get sufficient sleep and a healthy, balanced diet while they are undergoing this trial.
We took our dc to Confession whenever they asked - without question. Sometimes, we would turn the question indicating a troubled heart back on them. For example, if they were fearful that something was a mortal sin then we would ask the some questions - Is it serious matter? We had one child that tended to go back and think that she thought something was a mortal sin when she did it even though she knew it was not. This took some patience to get through. Always approach things from the love of God. They need to sense our calmness in the whole thing - that confidence in God's loving mercy.
The dc who experienced this were being harassed I think and were quickly restored to peace with the reapeated approach. Do you really think that picking up a penny off the playground is a serious matter? Once asked like that they would come to an equilibrium of peace. Sometimes they would come out worried that they forgot something - we'd remind them that when they honestly forgot, they still received the grace of the sacrament. If it really bothered them, we'd say - well confess it next time you go.
Be real careful about their confessors - someone who reacts to them as if they are emotionally disturbed will make matters worse. Someone who understands a sensitive conscience can help tremendously. We know the priests that we take our children to for confession and at a Communal Pennance Service, we will not give any indication of impatience but will wait in the longest line if that is the confessor we are certain of.
There was also a certain pattern with one of our children. They always went through a horrible time of worry prior to each sacrament. We began to anticipate this. Also, the obvious, pray for your child quietly, yourself and for your childs confessor.
Janet
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abcmommy
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There are three or four major developmental stages of morality, as I recall. The age of 6/7/ 8 is right about the time where kids feel the need to obey rules and societal constraints but they dont understand the reasons behind the compulsion to obey. I think maybe this is why they worry so. anyway, here is a link to the theory behind all of these stages, with a nice chart.
http://www.stolaf.edu/people/huff/classes/handbook/Gilligan. html
I didnt investigate this link too closely so who knows, it may have some psycho babbly mumbo jumbo associated with ti. I do think the moral development theory is sound.
Recently at scouts my ds and my dad saw a snack labelled "free- hot bites!". Granpa took a snack. Ds came to me and was so concerned that Grandpa had taken the free snack, bc even tho the sign said FREE, Grandpa didnt ask. I reassured him that this was ok, and that I had spoken with a lady in the concession stand about it.
My child is almost 9, unbaptised and behind in his catholic education bc we didnt attend at all when my dh was in grad school. But he needs the sacrements esp reconciliation so badly now, bc I see in him such a desire for forgiveness.
At night he will often come to me before he goes to sleep and confess everything he did wrong the entire day. in fact, he always tells us whenever he does something wrong. I think its the oddest thing. My second ds would never feel moved to confess in this way. I often wonder at the personality differences.
One night he came to me and said "Earlier I went in the bathroom and called you a jerk."
I had to pinch myself to stop laughing bc probably I had been being a jerk.
Another time he came to me and said he had been playing with the neighbor and was unkind to her. I sent him to apologise to her, which he did gladly. His brother was NOT happy to ask forgiveness (ego?) The neighbor's mom asked me later how I knew what had happened, and I said, "oh, my little reporter tells me when he does wrong." She was sort of incredulous at the idea of a child who will implicate himself for no reason. LOL
Anyway, is this behavior what you mean by scrupulous? Are these behaviors similar to what you see? I most often hear scrupulous applied to housekeeping. Never my own housekeeping skills, mind you. LOL
I really wrote a book here. Hope it isnt an inappropriate tangent.
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Jenny
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| Posted: March 31 2006 at 11:06am | IP Logged
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abcmommy wrote:
| Anyway, is this behavior what you mean by scrupulous? Are these behaviors similar to what you see? |
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Yes, this is what we are going through right now. I ordered the books mentioned from my library. They should be in today.
Jenny
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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MichelleW
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4mothermary wrote:
Michelle,
Do they just mature & "grow out" of this overly sensitive/scrupulous stage or were there specific ideas to help them?
Jenny |
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My oldest two have passed through it (unharmed) and gone on to become delightful boys. My third child is in it right now. It helps us all to deal with her knowing she is in this "phase."
We gave them lots of hugs, because they were going through a time when that was what they needed. We answered their questions about Life to the best of our abilities. We gave them some space when they needed it, however we did not allow them to opt out of family things (I could just imagine a morose-prone child hearing the fun and laughter downstairs and saying to himself, "See they don't even miss me, they don't need me, maybe they even want me." I required that they participate in the fun things we did as a family and I took their picture so that later they would remember the event as a FUN time).
Don't know if this answered your question.
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Jenny
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| Posted: March 31 2006 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
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MichelleW wrote:
We gave them lots of hugs, because they were going through a time when that was what they needed.
Don't know if this answered your question. |
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Yes, this helps. I have also noticed that she is always wanting to hug & kiss which is not her personality.
She is also becoming fearful. Again, is this part of the age?
I grew up a fearful child & later a fearful adult. I still struggle w/this tendancy, although it is getting better. I do not want this for her 
Jenny
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Scrupulous 7yr old daughter
