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teachingmyown
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 11:56am | IP Logged
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I have a question. I have always tried to create an atmosphere of sacrifice and generally leaner living during Lent for the family, things such as no eating out, no treats or soda, etc. I want the kids to stay focused on the season.
My problem is that my husband refuses to go along with this. He eats treats, probably more than during Ordinary Time, and drinks soda, and tells the kids that my views of Lent are not his. The children see him making no visible sacrifice. He even complains about no meat on Fridays.
He is more than willing to lead evening prayers and other Lenten devotions, he just isn't into the overall atmosphere of sacrifice. He says that any sacrifices he makes are private. I think the kids need to see us as an example.
How should I deal with this as far as the kids are concerned? My teenaged son is acting the same way. It is frustrating.
Thanks for any advice.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 12:30pm | IP Logged
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Wow. That must be very difficult. Perhaps you could speak with your priest for advice and a way to understand dh reluctance?
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Theresa
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Bridget
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 1:26pm | IP Logged
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Molly, I would follow the Church's rules on the days for fast and abstinence but follow his lead on the rest. If he is willing to lead Lenten devotions, focus on that and let him know how much you admire him for that and are grateful for it. If he doesn't want to give up things as a family but wants sacrifices to be private, do that.
Make a sign to post in a prominent place that says something like : "Did you make a sacrifice for Jesus today?" and list some suggestions underneath it. Encourage them daily to remember. Make sure he is in accord with this first, then present it to the children. You don't want the children to see pious practices as coming from mom, and dad must not be as pious as mom since he won't give up treats. That will erode respect for dad and make religion look like it's the province of females. That could be more damaging to their faith than eating treats during lent.
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Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Taffy
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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Would your dh be more open to the idea of increasing your works of charity as your lenten sacrifice? Just a thought, I also struggle with the same issue... 
Liz
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 1:38pm | IP Logged
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Molly, you do so much to inspire your family and create a thriving atmosphere. Hang in there, you are doing great!
The first thing that popped into my head, to relieve your frustrations, was to focus on what dh is doing well during Lent. In my experience, shifting my focus helps me to be more tender toward my husband. I'm sad to admit that I fail at focusing on the positive so have lots of practice at shifting my focus  .
It sounds like your husband agrees that the three anchors of Lent are important, Prayer, Almsgiving, Fasting (PAF.) This is awesome! Perhaps the misunderstanding is about who is expected to do what. For this challenge, our family has had good results by having a brief family meeting at the beginning of Lent. Open with prayer and share the importance of and agreement on PAF. Down the left hand side of a paper have three catagories: Prayer, Almsgiving, Fasting. Across the top have each family member name, making a grid. Have each member share what he or she would like to work on during Lent. Some things we do as a family. Other things we do individually (with support from the others.) We post this on the refrigerator and check it regularly.
If your dh doesn't want to share what he is fasting this year, that is his choice. He can simply put in "Private" on the grid. I would reserve the right to put "Private" on the grid for adults only.
I look forward to reading other ideas here.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
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Angie Mc wrote:
If your dh doesn't want to share what he is fasting this year, that is his choice. He can simply put in "Private" on the grid. I would reserve the right to put "Private" on the grid for adults only.
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Clarifying here...we also encourage each family member to offer private sacrifices in addition to what is listed on the grid. I was just thinking that an independent teen (or 7yo for that matter) might want to side-track the whole PAF grid thing by filling in Private, Private, Private as an escape route  .
Thanks for sharing everyone. I get a kick out of picturing us all typing out and sending replies at the same time  .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 4:29pm | IP Logged
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Thanks for the input.
Bridget, you are so right! I have to admit that I was feeling a little "holier than thou (or him!)" !
I guess that I am just trying to re-create the Lenten atmosphere of my home. I think I will back off and let him set the tone , while encouraging each child in their own, personal resolution.
Besides, what woman in her right mind wants to give up treats when she is 8 months pregnant anyway!  I just finally got make sweet tooth back!
You all are great. Thanks
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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JennGM
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Don't beat yourself up, Molly. You are trying. When I grew up, my father didn't participate, so it was my mother doing everything. I do try to make it different here: dh and I discuss what is the family Lenten duties. Right now ds is young, so it's between us, but I plan on continuing on making our plan together.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 16 2006 at 10:40pm | IP Logged
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I have a related question. We have always tried to do what Molly first described by giving up treats and soda as a family during Lent. In my case dh and I agree completely about this, but we are having trouble with our children's attitudes about this as they get older. For the past two years, they have asked repeatedly why we have to give up all treats, why they can't give up just some sweet things, etc. They aren't being rude or disrespectful, but they are voicing their opinions on the matter very clearly. Unfortunately my entire family (myself included) has a huge problem with sweet teeth. (Is that the plural of a "sweet tooth"?!)
Objectively speaking, dh and I believe that we as parents have the right and responsibility to make family decisions like this. On the other hand, one of my dd's said to me today, "When I grow up, I am never going to give up sweets for Lent. I'll give up other things or even some sweet stuff, but definitely not all of it." I worry about my kids becoming resentful of this imposed sacrifice. And I hate the fact that this particular one is always made against their wills. (I mean, is there any spiritual value in a sacrifice that is required? They may end up healthier at the end of Lent, but will it help them spiritually?) Maybe if we just dropped this entire family sacrifice for now, they would willingly come to make it as they matured. As it is they do willingly make the other sacrifices that they themselves decide upon--even food sacrifices like giving up lemonade or bagel pizza.
If you were me, would you stick with this family sacrifice or drop it?
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Lenten sacrifices in the family
