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SaraP
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 10:10am | IP Logged
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On four or five occassions which involved a religious ceremony and then a party afterwards (wedding, baptism, etc.) two different sets of no-longer-Christian relatives have declined to attend the ceremony, but attended the party.
This strikes me as extremely rude, but maybe it is commonly done and I'm just not aware of it? Would you find this offensive or I am being too sensitive?
I have let it go without comment in every case except one (and even that one time I just said, when informed that the person in question would be staying behind at my house while the rest of us went to the church, "But you will miss the whole point of the day!"), but I would feel better and find the whole thing easier if I knew there was a social precedent for this behavior.
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Lara Sauer
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I have a situation that is the reverse...a couple of my siblings have left the church to join either Protestant denominations or in one case, the Mormon Church. As a result, I can not take part in their services because they have separated themselves from their faith, but I have been counselled by a number of trustworthy priests, that for the sake of maintaining good family relations, we do join them in their post church service celebrations.
I imagine your non-Christian friends fell that same way...they don't "believe" in the ceremony and don't want to diminish its importance by their lack of belief, but they love and support you and to choose to show it by joining in the party that follows.
Hope that helps.
Peace to your day.
Let us pray for a sincere conversion among all our families, back to a belief in God. Lord, hear our prayer.
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Martha
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:05pm | IP Logged
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I see nothing wrong with it and potentially much to respect in it?
Maybe they are uncomfortable or flat out disagree with the religious activity in question, but still want to be invovled in the life the person in question, thus they attend the party only?
as someone who is catholic raising our children catholic and can count on exactly 2 fingers how often ANY family (NONE of which are catholic, btw) showed up AT ALL, I can say I would look at it as a great development if someone RESPECTFULLY participated to any extent that they are comfortable.
just my expereince and .02 
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SaraP
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:13pm | IP Logged
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Lara wrote:
| As a result, I can not take part in their services because they have separated themselves from their faith, but I have been counselled by a number of trustworthy priests, that for the sake of maintaining good family relations, we do join them in their post church service celebrations. |
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Now that you mention it I have heard this same advice - also from trustworthy priests - but I don't understand it.
I know that when a Catholic marries outside of the Church without a dispensation we aren't supposed to attend. But I thought the reason for not attending was precisely that we ought NOT to give the appearance of support or approval to an "attempted marriage" that is not actually licit. And if this is the case it doesn't make sense to me to then go the celebration of that marriage after the ceremony because isn't celebrating something another way of approving it?
I think in both cases I am confused as to why a person would want to celebrate an event by which they were troubled enough that they felt they could not attend. How is it supportive to celebrate something which I believe is harmful to someone I love?
These aren't rhetorical questions, btw, I am honestly puzzled and would appreciate additional insight.
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SaraP
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:28pm | IP Logged
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Maybe I should add that most of my family is a very mixed bag of beliefs - Catholic, lapsed Catholic, Protestant, Jewish . . . even a card-carrying member (literally) of some Secular Humanist society. So at any given event most of the family members who attend the ceremony aren't Catholic and most of the family weddings and so on that we attend aren't Catholic either.
I am not bothered when someone declines to attend the whole shebang because they are uncomfortable with the religious aspect of it, but splitting the event and the celebration seems to me to say, "Well I don't approve of what you are doing, but I don't want to miss a social event so I will deign to ignore the reason for your party."
But that's *probably* not the most charitable interpretation and I'd like to revise it.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:43pm | IP Logged
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My family is not Catholic, and often being at the Church for whatever makes them uncomfortable. Not that they disagree with us per say.. actually it's more of a "not for me but do whatever you like" type of thing. So they want to help celebrate special days but aren't comfortable with the actual Church ceremony.
So no I don't have any problem with them coming to just the party. Matter of fact I always invite them with that option. For example
dd9 is recieving her First Holy Communion, and we'd love to have you attend. But if you'd be more comfortable, we'd still love to have you come just for the party afterward.
I simply always include the (usually refused) invitation to the Church as well as the party.
As for things we go to.. well, there aren't many at this point except the weddings that are in the past now. But in only my opinion, it's to celebrate what they're doing right. They didn't have to get married in whatever type of ceremony they chose.. they could have just lived together (continued to live together) without it. So it's definately a step in the right direction. And to support that and keep them close enough to us to keep exposing them to the Catholic faith.. well refusing to attend would not help that at all.
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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I don't think it's rude....I think it's fine. And, it's fine to attend the ceremony and then NOT the party. And, it's also fine to not attend at all. As long as they aren't being disrespectful or rude at whatever they are attending.
I always try hard not to read into anything when it comes to these situations, and I hope that others do the same for us. There are many times when we can't or don't want to attend both the "ceremony" and the party....we choose one or the other.....sometimes for logistical reasons, sometimes for personal/philosophical reasons.....sometimes simply because we just don't want to or can't attend. I do try to make sure to let them know with a quick phone message or email what we are or are not attending, just so they know ahead of time. I don't at all feel obligated to explain our decisions. "Just wanted to let you know that we are looking forward to Joseph's baptism next week....we'll be at the baptism, but won't be able to attend the party. See you next week!"
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 12:51pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
Matter of fact I always invite them with that option. For example
......dd9 is recieving her First Holy Communion, and we'd love to have you attend. But if you'd be more comfortable, we'd still love to have you come just for the party afterward. |
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We do this too......
"The baptism is at 10:00, and then we're having a gathering afterwards, let us know if you're able to attend both or one or the other!"
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AndieF
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 2:46pm | IP Logged
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I will preface this by saying I'm not Catholic, but a practicing member of another religion.
In our family, I have a couple of siblings that are no longer practicing. In one case, we invited all of our family to a ceremony and the celebration, although we knew that two members and their children would likely not attend the ceremony, but I hoped that they would attend the celebration afterwards.
What ended up happening was that one of the non-practicing siblings decided to leave town early and did not attend the ceremony or the celebration. He didn't leave in anger, and said that he needed to leave because of a work presentation that he needed to prepare for.
I was hurt because I felt that I was trying to be tolerant his position, but wanted to still be able to come together as a family at this special time somehow.
It helped me to see that perhaps my sibling felt that even coming to the celebration would be showing approval/support, etc. for the ceremony.
I mean, I knew that this was a possibility, and I knew that it was a possibility, and would have appreciated it more if he would have been able to just say it, but I also appreciate that it would have been difficult for him to say.
Andie
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RamFam
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Martha wrote:
| as someone who is catholic raising our children catholic and can count on exactly 2 fingers how often ANY family (NONE of which are catholic, btw) showed up AT ALL, I can say I would look at it as a great development if someone RESPECTFULLY participated to any extent that they are comfortable. |
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My situation exactly!
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teachingmyown
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Maybe this isn't really on-topic, but one thing we witness continually in our parish is the "Baptism guests". These are the groups of people who show up for Holy Mass, usually sometime during the Mass and stand in the narthex and chat, while waiting for it to be over so they can attend the baptism. It is very frustrating to those of us who are trying to pay attention to the Mass but end up in the narthex with little children.
These people either don't know know how to behave, or they just don't care. So, in that case, I would rather they had opted to just attend the party!
The same thing happens at First Communions. The noise level is so high before the Mass because the Church is full of people who don't respect the Presence. It really detracts from the whole event for those of us who are there to celebrate a wonderfully solemn event.
FWIW, my siblings fall all along the spectrum from atheist to practicing Catholic and everything in between. They do all attend (when they can) our children's sacraments and parties. Fortunately, they learned manners growing up so they remember how to behave even if they are no longer practicing Catholics.
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Barbara C.
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I know what you mean Molly. When my husband joined the Church I had the parents of another RCIA member who was completing her sacraments. They had apparently dropped out of the Church after baptizing her. I had to hear crude jokes before the ceremony, pity comments throughout, and "they better pop open another bottle" when the Eucharistic ministers ran out of the Precious Blood.  So sometimes no attendance is better than half-hearted obligatory attendance.
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RamFam
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| Posted: June 05 2009 at 7:16pm | IP Logged
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teachingmyown wrote:
| The same thing happens at First Communions. The noise level is so high before the Mass because the Church is full of people who don't respect the Presence. It really detracts from the whole event for those of us who are there to celebrate a wonderfully solemn event. |
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I am so glad to hear someone else say this! This really irritated me with my dd FHC, which was the first I had ever attended. I realize that it is a family reunion and celebratory event, but I just wanted to say SHUSH!
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Leah
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Is this socially acceptable?
