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donnalynn
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My dd is supposed to enter the Confirmation program next year and I am just at odds with so many things.
We have a *big* time conflict with the Confirmation class time - I am really praying that something will work out.
I am having a hard time with the whole "service" requirement thing - we've always been involved in some kind of service - it seems so phoney to start getting things signed and filling out forms to "prove" it. What does that say to a young person? What's the point?
And this year our two "sister" parishes that already combine just about every big event will be joining *two* other parishes and this group Confirmation will take place in the local Catholic elementary school's large community room!! The thought of any of my children receiving a sacrament in a multi-purpose room is heart-breaking. 
Confirmation doesn't take place until 10th grade - I'm ready to just wait until she's in college or something -or why not get confirmed at an Easter vigil? I feel awful even having such thoughts.
I'm just feeling really terribly rebellious about it all - this sacrament just seems to vary wildly- did I really just see someone looking for a gift for a 7 year-old for Confirmation??? -(I was Confirmed in 8th grade in the same diocese that is now 10th grade).
A couple of years ago Confirmation names were back "in" - now it's back to "reaffirming" baptismal names.
<Sigh> I am confused and frustrated. I want this to be something meaningful and beautiful.
Would it be wrong to give dd the option to post-pone her confirmation?
Am I wrong to be upset about the possibility of the sacrament taking place in a school community room?
Do I just grin and bear it all? 
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molly
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Yes and yes!
My ds is being confirmed at age 7 this Sunday.
And this sacrament varies WILDLY across the states.
It may help you to read the CCC section on Confirmation. It gives you the history and explains why it is NOT a sacrament of "coming out" but rather a completion of Baptism.
As I read your first remarks, concerning the sacramental prep in your parish my heart went out to you. I would feel the same way. We are blessed here, we are not obligated to attend any program. Our parish offers one, but our pastor believes, and I quote him, "parents it is your duty and responsibilty to tell me when your children are prepared".
Best wishes, I know it is confusing, I know you will do what is best for your family 
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Red Cardigan
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Molly, I agree with you!
Confirmation rules in America are, quite simply, past the point of sanity. Though I was blessed to have my girls confirmed last year, I know many others in my own diocese dealing with the wait-till-16 and the *mandatory co-ed overnight retreat* thing! Even though the young lady I know had a good experience on her retreat, at larger parishes I've heard all sorts of stories about inappropriate conduct which the chaperons ignore.
If we had not had an opportunity opened to us to have our girls receive confirmation together, we would seriously have waited until they were old enough to be confirmed at an Easter Vigil, which in our diocese is 18. Think about that--to get confirmed two years earlier you have to jump through a million hoops, turn in anywhere from fifty to over a hundred "service hours" each from specified categories, attend the overnight retreat, attend classes every week for two YEARS, and then you still might be told, "Sorry!" if your child is more than 15 minutes late to more than two classes, or if you miss a mandatory parents' meeting.
Or, if you wait two years, all they have to do is RCIA, and they only have to do the "candidate" program, which doesn't take nearly as long as the two years of "confirmation prep" they make the sixteen-year-olds endure.
Given that Eastern Rite Catholics can still be confirmed as *infants* and that our Holy Father has called, in Sacramentum Caritatis, for a return to the original order of the Sacraments of Initiation: Baptism, then Confirmation, and *then* First Holy Communion, I can see no reason at all why American Catholics have adopted the notion that Confirmation is when Catholic teens get to decide if they *really* want to be Catholic or not. That decision was already made for them by us, and Confirmation is supposed to perfect Baptism (as Molly said) and strengthen the Catholic in the virtues to help him live a holy life. It's not some kind of teenage rite of passage.
Sorry. Can you tell I have strong feelings about this? 
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BrendaPeter
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Dear Donna,
As frustrated as you are, I would not recommend putting this sacrament off as it contains the graces our young children deserve & need BEFORE the difficult times in life hit, not after.
Our dc receive the sacrament at around age 9-10 & are always the shortest ones in the group  . We have our pastor send a letter to the Bishop requesting confirmation. The letter typically cites canon 891. Here's what part of the letter says:
canon 891 of the Code of Canon Law states that the Sacrament of Confirmation in the Latin Rite shall be conferred between the age of discretion and about sixteen years of age, within the limits determined by the diocesan bishop and with regard for the legitimate exceptions given in canon 891. Furthermore, the Code legislates that Sacred Ministers may not deny the Sacraments to those who opportunely ask for them, are properly disposed and are not prohibited by law from receiving them (cf. can. 843 &1).
Our dc do not attend a class or do any service projects. We simply show up. I'm not telling you this to frustrate you more but to let you know that there are options.
Praying!
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Brenda (mom to 6)
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molly
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Well said Erin
My little guy, will receive Confirmation after the Homily then 1st Communion. It is very confusing for people, I realize, it was for me, too, until I read what the Holy Father requested and read the CCC for myself.
I am sorry and appalled at all the hoops you good and faithful people must jump.....good grief!
Service projects, retreats 
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Jody
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Donna, What are the hoops she would have to jump through if she postponed her confirmation? Some RCIA programs are very long and some are not.
Jody
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mcchatty
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I feel your pain! We are going through something very similar- but I didn't understand the situation until we were IN it. How clever of you to be thinking ahead. Here in Indy, to celebrate the 175 anniversary of the diocese, they are having a mega (my word- not the diocese's) confirmation at LUCAS OIL STADIUM. Where the Colts play- ON the astro turf, with families in sky high bleachers!! We didn't know this until three meetings into the process.
ugh, yuk, etc... Since a beloved uncle(sponsor) had cleared his schedule to be present at the required meetings, we decided to continue. My son is fine with it (he is in 9th grade, which seems to be about the minimum around here) I hate it. I hate the impersonalness of it, I hate the venue. I don't love the curriculum either (at little too heavy on personal discernment and very light on actual church teachings.) I do love the community, and the families also going through the process. So we have been supplementing it. That has had some unexpected blessings. If we were happy with the program I am not sure we would have invested as much into the process (not something I'm proud of, just being honest)
I am resting (well- tossing and turning is more like it) in the knowledge that God can bring good from all things. My son does seem to be learning things. I have to say the retreat was truly wonderful (it was co-ed, but we had many many chaperones and the kids were properly sequestered (different buidings with adults in the rooms)at night. I got a lot from it, as did my son. I am very interested in what you find out about not doing confirmation with a parish group-
Blessings, Mcchatty
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Barbara C.
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I have heard that some parishes/schools have pushed Confirmation back to sixteen in a lame attempt to keep teens involved in the Church. They're tired of the kids and their parents disappearing after 8th grade Confirmation. I've also heard stories of parents not wanting to invest the time and money into 8 years of RE classes, so they keep wait and drop their kids off at RCIA as teenagers.
When I was in school, it was assumed that everyone would use the saint related to their given name (first or middle) unless there wasn't one to easily relate. However, in my RCIA program, my husband was the only one to choose a Confirmation name but he was not the only one to have a "secular" name.
I think I would explore all the options (RCIA, homeschool preparation, etc) since so many things make you uncomfortable about this Confirmation process.
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stellamaris
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Donna, the RCIA route might be a good one depending on your pastor's policies. Here in our parish, confirmation is 13-14 year olds. We had a teen in our RCIA class this year who was 16. Since he was older than the "norm", our pastor let him attend RCIA, which is only about 8 months long and has no tests or service requirements. You'd have to check with your pastor.
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JodieLyn
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confirmation here is 6th and 7th grade every other year.. and no rediculous requirements.
It's a small parish and the bishop talks to the kids during Mass.. asking questions.. I got such a giggle from my oldest this past year.. I think she raised her hand for every single question. She knew the answers but I whispered to my dh that I think she was just trying to get the opportunity to talk  It was very cute and so very much her personality that it really made me giggle
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donnalynn
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Just wanted to give a little update - the teacher of the confirmation program is actually a friend of mine and she really understands what I am going through. That helps a lot.
On the bright side - I know that my daughter will be with good people who I trust if we do go through the program. And from talking things over with her, my heart really goes out to those who are working in parish education programs. In our program - whether you are homeschooled, in Catholic school or public school you are expected to go through the same two year confirmation program. That gives a very wide spectrum of students - from those who attend Mass regularly and are taking Theology courses (in school or at home)to those students who rarely attend Mass and barely know the basic prayers.
How do you help those who are really starting from scratch and challenge those who care about their faith at the same time? There's a lot of different needs to juggle.
Another bright note...I picked up a few resources that I am really excited about and I feel that no matter what happens I will carry on with the plans I am making.
There is a chance that the class time could be moved - that would solve the biggest problem. If the class time stood as is I'll have some bigger decisions to make. But I am going to take it one step at a time.
But mostly I feel she should have been confirmed now - she's ready - she's been ready. She should have full accesses to these graces going into high school - heck -she could have benefited from those graces during these middle school years!
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Donna Marie
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Hi Donna!
I feel your pain..I was there last year. It is amazing how I was able to retain the right to catechize my own children. They challenged me a bit but I just kept on talking...LOL! They told me that my twins had to go to the classes or "how would they possibly know what was going on??"...I just asked if they planned on letting them teach the class...ha ha! So they made us go to a mandatory retreat (Sunday afternoon) I went and I didn't like what was there..not a "spiritual prep for confirmation" that they said was mandatory. I respectfully complained with examples. I blogged about it last year. I felt VERY rebellious and kept it under control the best I could.
We are very visible at our parish and volunteer aaalll the time. We were exempt from service hours because they knew that the kids were steady volunteers already.
This year my Nicky is receiving Confirmation (on Saturday as a matter of fact!) and we didn't have to attend the retreat. I promised them he would have a time of preparation and prayer and I just had to show up to the rehearsal and the actual event....oh! and pay $50.
We are part of the Diocese of Metuchen and receive at 13/14 (8th grade). The next church over is part of the Diocese of Patterson and they receive at 16! I heard there is a church in Orange where they have special permission for homeschoolers to receive after Communion! So here the age is all over the place!
I will pray for you!
God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
hs momma to 8dc!!
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God love you!
Donna Marie from NJ
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D. Marie
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Could it be possible to check out the other parishes in the diocese, or neighboring diocese, to see what they are doing? This may give you more options to make choices that are best for your family. I would not delay Confirmation, it may get worse before it gets better! My son is being Confirmed this year at the age of 11, but we attend a Latin Mass with pre-Vatican II requirements. Is there one of these around your area?
Wishing the best for you!
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crusermom
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Our parish has the second graders receive Confirmation and Holy Communion during the same Mass. Any new people just catch up at this time. I was so lucky last year to have four of my children receive Confirmation with virtually no hoops. It was a great day!
I had to go through all sorts of hoops when we lived in a different diocese - my two older children needing to go to CCD, retreats (ughh!), and service hours. I feel your pain.
I agree with the PP, you might look for a parish that is friendly to hsers in your area.
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ALmom
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Donnalynn:
I can identify with dealing with some of the hoopla - focus on photo ops and such and large volume requiring that someone rapidly move a large body of people from point a to point b where the emphasis on the sacrament seems to get lost in the logistics. I have never had to deal with the actual Confirmation being removed from a parish church with the tabernacle so I don't have any specific suggestions for this situation. Here are a few things we have done to deal with the mob and less than stellar prayerful environment:
1) If they tell you to arrive at x PM, then plan on arriving an hour earlier (or in your case make a visit to a church where your child can properly prepare for Mass in front of the tabernacle). We made use of our Adoration chapel for early prayers.
2) Discuss the goodness of God. There is great merit in continually re-directing thoughts back to God when they are distracted through no fault of your own. Offer that suffering up - it counts for a lot! So we talked about what our children were likely to experience as a result of being in a mob of people - the noise and chaos as they tried to remain recollected. We talked about how our child was to work on remaining recollected but not to be disturbed when they found the chaos distracting them - just keep turning back to God. While you are standing in line in the middle of a group of chatting people, try to keep turning your thoughts to God and to the holy moment to come. If they are asked a question (particularly the teacher needing information from them which should not be ignored) - be brief and quiet and to the point and keep turning thoughts back to God. It is likely to be frustrating (we've had children in tears over distraction from the general chaos after Mass), difficult and require them to make great effort. This does not in any way distract from what they have to offer God - but actually can be a source of grace for them (because of God's goodness) if they continue to pray and offer it up. The effort actually increases the merit. Our children plan on having written prayers with them so that when the chaos is so overwhelming that it is extremely difficult, they have something to use to help keep them focusing and in prayer. (Prayer books, prayer cards, and such. We laminated some that fit discreetly in the pocket of a normal dress shirt).
3) The logistics arranged did not involve time for prayer after Mass - something our family found personally appalling. We worked with the DRE to allow our child to immediately double back into the church after the photo and procession out (this year thankfully the photo was done after the procession but it hasn't always been that way)instead of processing straight to the reception and spend time in a thanksgiving after Mass. This generally means that by the time we get to the reception, the cake is gone - but we can plan for that and it is not the most important thing. Not sure how you handle this when you are at a gym or arena - but you could certainly plan a visit to a chapel on the way home and at least have prayer and thanksgiving immediately after Mass even if there is no tabernacle. God knows we can only do the very best we can do and he does honor our intention and effort to be true to Him.
4)Speak up charitably. My children were disturbed by the photographer on the altar (I understand the reason it was done was as an attempt to keep all the folks from swarming the altar during the solemn reception of the Sacrament - at one Confirmation there were parents/ friends with cameras all over the place and even a ladder set up in the aisle even in addition to the professional photographer on the altar who snapped a picture of each child as they were receiving). The first time this came to our attention, our child wrote a note to our pastor asking if the photographer would please not take her picture and explained her reasons. (She was extremely upset by it. My 6 year old was totally confused by all the photography and asked about it. I don't really mind if his questions are overheard but I try to answer in as honest and non-judgemental way as possible while still re-inforcing all that we try to teach about reverence in the church). In any case, our pastor took care of things for us as far as the photographer in your face. This now has become standard so for each of our children, the photographer steps back and does not take a picture so we generally are now asked our preference each year that we have a child being confirmed.
5) Continue to pray and do as best you are able regardless -
Actually we noticed that this year things were better - they still had the photographer but he wasn't quite front and center like before. We had the photos but at least the bishop was not fighting photographers in the procession out of the church and there wasn't a ladder in the aisle. The parents and friends were a bit more subdued. I don't know if we plant seeds by our actions, our new bishop required changes or our pastor was gradually working in this direction in the first place. I continue to pray for an increased sense of reverence in our parish and for us too as a family. I used to not mind picture taking in the church (after Mass) - now we just take our photos in the vestibule. We explained our reasons for things but since it is not our authority area and no one else seems to have a problem with a photographer on the altar, we just do what we can do and make sure we pray. Is it a minor or a major area of concern? I don't know. I think there has been a real loss of the sense of the sacred and I long and pray that this be more carefully nurtured - but it is the pastor who must tackle all the judgement calls about how much to push and how quickly to bring his parish forward. I try to be understanding, cooperative, not afraid to express my concerns - and then we go about doing what we must. We will not cease to pray a thanksgiving after Mass, we may just have to work extra hard to make sure our children are able to do so and also don't get numbed and continue to know it is important. Our children are distracted by the photographer so we ask that no pictures be taken of them during the Sacrament or Mass. They put up with standing in the group picture in obedience and try to remain recollected and prayerful during that moment - and offer it up. We stay and pray as soon as we are able - right after the photo and if the reception is over when we are done - oh well.
I wrote an extensive letter - including a lot of things I really appreciated, a concern that she had done such a good job getting folks to understand the awesomeness of the Mass and how some of the logistics/ photo preoccupation may undo some of that. I offered understanding and sympathy - this wonderful, prayerful woman is dealing with a mob of kids of all ranges of preparation and working under authority herself. She is really doing a great job and there are logistical concerns that she has to handle as well. I offered to print up prayer cards, etc. for the students. The decisions might be different than what I would like, but I have offered and asked and expressed my concerns politely and with understanding. I still think that there should be thanksgiving after Mass as well as after Communion. This is what we teach our children and act on.
We try not to be afraid to express our concerns - I have to try and make sure that these are expressed charitably and I try to pray and think of something I could offer to help. I also try to remember to express gratitude for things done well. Our DRE did a marvelous job with the classes. These were such that those who had no/little exposure prior to the class and those that were carefully formed gained from the classes. It was an apologetics class and while it is always possible to nit-pick, I really will say that this was a marvelous class, well-done, well controlled and supervised, with proper emphasis on learning and a de-emphasis on the snacking - these were provided but as a side not the emphasis. While there wasn't much new information presented to my children, I think that the visuals and a couple of scripture connections (like the connection between the OT Queen Mother and Our Lady) were really helpful. I found God speaking to us, even if it was by way of reminder, as we went through the class. I wanted her to know that even as I made suggestions for things I don't care for. OH, and I always manage to be there (or dh) for the classes. The first year I just went and stayed and made myself useful. This year, I sat at one of the tables with the kids. I tried to always help with clean-up - one of the few things I'm decent at.
I understand the uneasiness with the service requirement - and I just acknowledge that with our children. Actually since my dh and I are the only drivers at home, this is often an extreme burden. My children's service is mostly within our own family, neighborhood and I do appreciate the need to return to God. We talk about the emphasis and really try to discuss how real service is done for love of God. I did note on the form we returned that our children stop counting hours as soon as they have the minimum but they do not stop serving. It is just that the counting hours detracts from the ability to do just for the love of God. I don't know if there is any way to get around this. I bristle a bit at the idea that so much of what is presented is so much about joining a parish group - nothing wrong with that necessarily but that isn't quite my idea of service. My children often see it as make work, not real needs and that they are just trying desperately to try and have a means of keeping them in the church. I'm not saying this is what is being done - just that this is the reaction my children have to what is being done. We try to discuss things with understanding to both while trying to clarify what is really meant. We do the projects as an offering of obedience and I do try to help the children reflect on the skills God has given them and how these can be returned to God. I, bristle sometimes, that all the hours of service to me in the home do not count. THe service projects, imo, do not get to the heart of service but I don't have a suggestion or idea to put forth at the moment. It is also sometimes quite hard to do all the driving to and from things - and I don't just drop them off but stay with them. Sometimes it means we all have to go. I don't know if the parishes really understand the impact on large families with children in the teens but also young infants and toddlers. I am not sure yet if this can be expressed without being whiney - and I want to make sure that it is not something we just need to do before I start spouting off. I do understand though and we try to use it as a learning opportunity while trying to discern what it is that they are trying to teach with this.
Oh, and in terms of retreats - our family has had a longstanding no overnights so we simply approached the DRE about this with a suggestion that was comfortable to us and which would fulfill this requirement without the overnight retreat. We've never had problems with this.
We have also not had problems with approaching the pastor when our child is ready and asks for Confirmation. Just ask - letting them know your child has asked, you believe that your child is prepared and we generally had some documentation to offer if requests were made about what was used or done - not big detail, just lists of books, retreats. Some of our children have been confirmed younger than usual age in the parishes we've been in. None of the parishes has been resistant to a reasonable request. (Ask in plenty of time for the pastor to think things through and consult the bishop, not a week before the Confirmation takes place.) If you have special concerns, etc. it never hurts to ask. We have found that the pastors have all been very good to us - regardless. Oh, in one case I was surprised when the pastor had told the DRE that something he'd observed that my child already was doing was her service and it was "done".
Our experience is to know your rights and responsibilities but not go in flaunting or demanding, be charitable and presume that you are dealing with reasonable people who desire the good of the Church, ask and the prayerfully ponder answers. We had already decided that if we were required to do certain things, we just would have to wait because we felt it would be too harmful to our child's soul. (We weren't asked to do these things) Other times we decided it was more important to not presume to know what a program was like, to attend with the child in obedience and if problems were there, to bring them up with the pastor and go from there. It turns out the program was not horrible - just not particularly beneficial except to show that we were obedient. The next child in the same program - and it seems that every suggestion we had was implemented and the program was fantastic.
- I guess what I'm trying to say is to pray and discern but don't be fearful. Do what you must do and offer up the extra work and effort for yourself, your family and your parish. God is good and your child is still able to receive an abundance of the Sacramental graces even in less than ideal circumstances. Maybe read about St. John Vianney who received FHC in a barn. It is a bit different, I know, as that was not the setting of first choice and necessitated due to persecution. Still it is Our Lord and if you have a little more to offer Him, well, He is all powerful and can turn it to great good.
Prayers,
Janet
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helene
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I wouldn't postpone confirmation if at all possible. Those graces are needed, the earlier the better! I originally balked at the requirements for our parish's two-year confirmation program which spans 9th and 10th grade and involves classes (homeschoolers who are taught religion at home are excused from these), a letter to the bishop, 2 retreats (no overnights), a biographical essay of their confirmation saint and about 10 or 12 hours of community service. After my daughter went through it all, however, I felt better about it. She did most of it without any help and did it well. I wish we didn't have to go through all the hoop-jumping, but she learned some valuable hoop-jumping lessons and they were kind of good hoops to jump through. The bishop cannot hold sacraments hostage but he does have a responsibility to determine whether or not a young adult in his diocese is ready and well-disposed to recieve it.
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Confirmation
