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Michaela
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| Posted: Oct 15 2005 at 3:46pm | IP Logged
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It's been a while since I've posted, but I'm always reading the board. 
I'm going through the RCIA process now, and don't know the answer to this question. I'm pretty sure it's a yes, but......
Last August, I miscarried our baby at three months.
Within the past two weeks I've read a two threads on another Catholic messageboard about being Catholic and having a miscarriage that have my head spinning. 
I'm getting really really depressed and crying that I didn't do things the "right way". It feels awful.
Would a priest talk to me about this? Yesterday, I called the church throughout the day and there was no answer. Today, even though I knew no one would be in the office, I tried .... no answer. I can't believe how this is making me feel.
Maybe I'm nervous about what the priest would say. I don't want him to affirm what I read. I don't think I could really deal with it.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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ALmom
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| Posted: Oct 15 2005 at 4:38pm | IP Logged
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Michaela,
First, we are so sorry to hear of your baby. It is such a difficult time - I have had many, many early miscarriages (none at 3 months) and saying hello and goodbye at the same time is the hardest thing we have ever done. The intensity of emotions, the sadness, all the mourning was so much more intense than anyone had prepared me for - and it lasted longer than what people around me thought was normal. I just had to grieve in my own way and allowing myself that did help. Prayers and hugs coming your way.
You certainly should be able to speak with a priest. Find a priest that you know to be solid in teaching the faith, but also gentle and compassionate. Sometimes I have found men (dh and priests included uncertain how to deal with the intensity of the emotions involved and it may help to have dh along to make everything less awkward when the tears inevitably start to flow).
I suspect that you are dealing with the issue of baptism, which we also had to deal with as most of our babies were miscarried so early, I didn't always have a body to try to baptize. In the end, I know that God has asked for baptism - and it is required of us if we know it is required, but if something beyond our knowledge or control happens to prevent that, God is not Himself bound and can provide for our babies as he does for those who receive baptism of desire/blood. It helped me to realize that I could entrust my baby into God's keeping and spent some time after the miscarriage asking Our Lady to present our child to Jesus, to take care of him, to rock him and kiss him (something we never had a chance to do) and tell him how much we miss him and love him. I trust and hang onto God's infinite mercy and love for my babies and have every hope of seeing them someday in heaven. The rosary was the most comforting prayer at that time and somehow knowing that Our Lady held the lifeless body of her son and grieved as a mother, I just grew so close to her and she helped me through that time.
May God give you comfort and peace.
Janet
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Karen E.
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Dear Michaela,
I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I have six babes in heaven, and I know the heartache of the loss. I'll pray for your healing.
Yes, a priest should most certainly talk with you and I hope the priest you're working with in RCIA will be helpful to you. Do go to him with your concerns and worries.
If you are worried about baptism, please don't worry anymore. Many people think they should baptize a miscarried child, but there is some misunderstanding surrounding this ... baptism is a sacrament for the living. If one is not sure if a miscarried child is still alive or not, it's understandable that one would want to perform a conditional baptism, but in most cases, we (the doctor, the mother) know that the miscarried child has already died. I hope you aren't torturing yourself over this ... our good and merciful God knows how much you loved your baby and wanted his eternal salvation.
I hope that perhaps these words from John Paul the Great will be of comfort to you. Though they were originally addressed to women who aborted their children, his words of love and comfort also apply to a miscarried child, as relates to "where the baby is now." John Paul the Great wrote:
"You will come to understand that nothing is definitely lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord."
The Church doesn't officially teach about where the souls of unbaptized babies go, but the Church (and JPII) does say that our God is good, loving and merciful. It seems to me that mercy would encompass embracing a soul who did not have a chance to be baptized, because that soul died before the chance was a possibility.
May God heal your hurting heart, Michaela, and may you know how deeply and completely He loves you and your precious baby.
__________________
God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Willa
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| Posted: Oct 16 2005 at 6:43am | IP Logged
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Michaela
I'm sorry for your loss 
When I lost my twin boys at midterm several years ago, I did call the priest. He was an elderly man and sympathy wasn't his strong suit, but he had an associate priest call me and the priest answered my questions and blessed us and the babies.
I don't know what you read on the messageboard, but I don't think the Church has spoken much on miscarriage and what you SHOULD do. Some people like to name the baby but we didn't name our first loss until several years after we lost her.
I found this article online Placing Empty Arms in God's Hands about miscarriage from a Catholic perspective.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Willa
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| Posted: Oct 16 2005 at 6:51am | IP Logged
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Michaela,
One of the things the priest talked about was the "baptism of intention". If you parents would have wanted the baby to be baptized if he/she had lived, God knows that -- He cares for every sparrow and cares for each precious human soul so much more.
Also, please give yourself time and permission to grieve and sorrow. I know our society expects us to move on from miscarriages fast, but our spirits and hearts aren't so ready to heal on a schedule, sometimes. It sounds like you are still grieving and so I am trying to say this is normal and valuable, part of our "life work" as moms.
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AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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momtomany
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Michaela, I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby.
Our bishop told me about the "Baptism of Desire" for our babies lost through miscarriage and it was very comforting to me. Another thing that helped me cope with the loss of my two precious babies was naming them and registering them in the "Book of Life". It is a place to acknowledge our children who have died unborn. You can name them or just call them, Baby_(your last name) It is in the Church of the Holy Innocents in NYC. Once a month, a Mass is offered for all the families of those babies whose names are in the Book.
I also like to look at my babies and my son who died at nine days old as our family saints, who are happy to intercede for their earthly familyThe Book of Life
Click on the Shrine for the Children who Died Unborn on the left.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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Laura
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Michaela,
I, too, am sorry for your loss. I pray that you will find comfort here and possibly from your priest in the days ahead. Do not fret yourself over something that is past and out of your control. The Lord Jesus knows your heart's desire.
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JMJ,
Laura
wife to Ken and mom to 8 blessings with #9 due July 26,2009
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Sarah
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Michaela-
I'm so sorry about your loss.
I lost a baby when I was 19 weeks preg. and I was not prepared for how I would feel for months afterward when everyone else moved on. People, my husband included, thought I was having an "abnormal" reaction to grief and I was angry for feeling like they thought I was nuts. Your baby is happy, wherever he/she is. Its great that you are reaching out for help. A good priest will help you.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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Leonie
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So sorry to hear about your loss.
What has helped me through my miscarriages is to trust God - he has the answers.
I have also read about the "Baptism of Desire" that Mary Ann suggested - I think it is also mentioned in the Faith and Life grade 8 book.
Talk to your priest - I am sure he can help and pray.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Marybeth
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Michaela,
I am so sorry about your baby. I do know in talking to my aunts that both my grandmothers suffered many miscarriages. They were not mentioned to anyone outside the family and never discussed really inside the family. My father doesn't even know how many babies his own mother lost through miscarriage. I just use this example b/c my grandmothers were holy and fervent woman who believed their babies rested in the arms of Mary in heaven. I'm not sure if this was taught to them or if it was just their faith helping them through such painful times.
I feel so badly for you that you are suffering such mental anguish over these questions. I hope you are able to speak to a priest soon and given comfort.
May God bless you!
Marybeth
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cathhomeschool
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Michaela,
I am so sorry about the miscarriage.
I miscarried at 10 weeks, and was never concerned about Baptism. I knew that my baby would be in heaven praying for us. What DID concern me was whether or not I should bury the baby. I was home alone when I started miscarrying, and frantically called our parish priest, who I believed to be a good and holy man. I very much wanted to do the right thing. He said that the Church did not require us to bury the remains, and that the decision was truly up to us. Our baby had quit growing many weeks before, so we could not find the baby's body, though I tried. At the hospital, I asked the doctor if he found the baby's body, but he said that he had not. We chose not to bury the remains. I don't know if we did the wrong thing. At such a moment, it is difficult to think clearly. I do trust in God and know that He is all merciful. We did what we thought was right after consulting a trusted priest. I believe that even if we were wrong, God does not hold that against us, because we can only sin knowingly.
Michaela, God knows what is in your heart and that you had the best intentions concerning your baby. Do not torture yourself anymore! He is all mercy and love, and does not hold our "ignorance" against us, even if we have unknowingly done the wrong thing.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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Michaela
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| Posted: Nov 03 2005 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
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Ladies, thank you so much for encouraging me to talk to our priest.
Mary Ann, our church has a meditation garden with the Station of the Cross and many momuments. One is similiar to the Shrine for the unborn babies that you shared. I feel so much comfort when I visit it each Sunday before or after Mass.
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply back. My mother's home was burned down by an arsonist the day after I posted. The person burned two other homes w/ Halloween decorations, but my mother got the worst of it because the person started the fire while she was sleeping. We've been very busy dealing with that.
Thank you all for giving me comfort when I felt so confused with the information I had read.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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JennGM
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Michaela in LV wrote:
| I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply back. My mother's home was burned down by an arsonist the day after I posted. The person burned two other homes w/ Halloween decorations, but my mother got the worst of it because the person started the fire while she was sleeping. We've been very busy dealing with that. |
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Oh my goodness! I hope she's alright? What kind of nut was this arsonist? Anti-Halloween? Did she lose everything? We will keep your mom and your family in your prayers. That's just awful!!!
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
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Michaela
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jenngm67 wrote:
[
Oh my goodness! I hope she's alright? What kind of nut was this arsonist? Anti-Halloween? Did she lose everything? We will keep your mom and your family in your prayers. That's just awful!!! |
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Thank you.
My mom is physically fine. She lost almost everything and is staying with us now. Of course it hurts her to see all that she's lost, but I am just thankful that she made it out.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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stefoodie
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oh michaela, i just saw this. so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and about your mom's house. will be praying for you and your family.
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stef
mom to five
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Can I talk to a priest?
