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enjoythejourney
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| Posted: Oct 19 2007 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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My husband's grandfather passed yesterday after an extended illness.
We knew it was coming so we were able to prepare the children somewhat. However, this is the first real death that has hit home with our kids. The younger two (3, 4) have not really asked many quesions and seem fine. My 7 year old is asking A LOT of questions. I have been as honest as I can about it with her, on the level I think she can understand.
I guess my question is, do you have any good resources or ideas for dealing with death and children? Cleo understands what happens somewhat when someone dies, but she is very curious about the soul/body issue.
Since we've never dealt with this before, I was hoping for some good advice from some of you who may have.
The funeral is tomorrow and at this juncture we plan to have the children stay with a sitter...but we are curious if we should let Cleo go...I am very torn!
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Lindsey
(here to learn more about the RCC)
Mom to:
Cleo (7)
Marcy-Marie (4)
Reece (3)
http://justenjoythejourney.blogspot.com
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Oct 19 2007 at 9:52pm | IP Logged
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I don't have any real good resources but I have not left any of my children out. Because that is what it is.. they are missing the closure, the saying good bye, the sense of family supporting each other that are all part of a funeral. When it's someone they've been close to it's hard not to have that time..
I very clearly remember the first funeral I went to. I was around 6. And it was very touchy.. it was an older (young adult) cousin who had shot himself (accidently, it's been assumed) But still my mom took my younger sister and I. She kept us further from the immediate family.. we sat in the general seating not the family area. But we went to the gathering afterward. And I can remember the people talking and the kids were playing even so.. and how the adults would join in with the kids for a bit and play or laugh.. before returning to the sorrow.
I just really think that children should have a place in marking the ending of life.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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chicken lady
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Well I have had this twice in the past year and a half.
What have I learned.......children need to see this as part of life. This is all of our reality, we need to have a honest and truthful experience of losing someone. Death is so hard, children need to be apart of the process. I remember a local mom saying to me after my son's funeral, that she was so moved by all the children, seeing their parents grieve together just like seeing them rejoice at happy times. It teaches children LIFE and REALITY! It shows children how we are called to bare each others burdens. It is also a work of Mercy to bury the dead, that means supporting the greiving family.
I heard many people comment how they did not bring their children to our funerals as they did not want to upset their children. Well my take on that is, my children are there, your children are their friends, should they not comfort their friends. All childen are upset at death, we all are, it is an effect of sin, it is not part of God's plan for humanity. It is hard!
Just be open and honest, you will be surprised at how different children process death.
Sorry if this is too much, can you tell I have spent alot of time thinkingabout this over the last year?
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Fe2h2o
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| Posted: Oct 20 2007 at 9:55am | IP Logged
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My grandfather died when I was about 7.
We went to the funeral service, but another mother from our parish babysat (all?) the cousins (well, the small fry, at any rate) so we didn't go to the burial.
I am still really sad about that. What does Cleo want to do? If she has a particular wish to go, it might be good to go with that.
(Mum is Anglican, and this was the first funeral that had come up after she married Dad... talking about it with her last year, she commented that she sees children at funerals as a very Catholic thing... it wasn't done in her family or parish. Which was a large part of her decision at the time.)
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Mama to Puggle (ds 05/04), Bilby (dd 10/06) and Cygnet (ds 09/08)
The Genial Hearth
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Mary Chris
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My children have been to the funerals of two of their great grandparents. One both my boys slept through, they were on benadryl (for allergy reasons, I was not trying to put them to sleep). We live on the other side of the country from my family, so they were not particulary close to their great grandparents and they were quite old. These were also family only events.
We also took our children to a memorial service this past August. Since they were older they asked more questions and we had some good conversations.
I attended a Funeral Mass and burial for a young boy; and his sisters and all the children in attendence sent blue balloons up to heaven. The children thought it was great fun, but all of the adults were bawling! I did not take my children to this funeral because they did not know the family.
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Anneof 5
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| Posted: Oct 20 2007 at 10:28am | IP Logged
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As a child, I always remember my grandmother saying that we (the kids) needed to go to the funerals. When my mom's aunts and uncles would die, and we would travel to my grandma's, she would insist we all went as we needed to learn to go, even if we didn't really know them well. I really think it helped in many ways as I got older and people I did know died. When I was a teacher in a Catholic school, Father would sometimes ask if a class of children could be present at an elderly person's very small funeral. Children at funerals are such a hopeful realization that life goes on. My own kids brought some joy to my dad's wake and funeral last year.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Oct 20 2007 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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Lindsey, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll be praying for your dh's grandfather and all who love him.
My dh works in mental health and at one time worked with children and grief. Both of us trained briefly at The Dougy Center and brought a small program back to the isolated rural town we lived in. The three main things that I took from this time was:
Death seems very abstract to children and it helps them to integrate the reality of death through concrete ways.
Each child grieves differently and needs to be met where they are at.
Each child will re-integrate grief into their lives as they go through different developmental stages.
I'm not sure when *leaving the children out of funerals* (or weddings for that matter) became a norm, but it seems to me that funerals, especially if there is a funeral mass, is all about integrating a new reality and turning our own eyes toward heaven. We take our children to funerals and have been very blessed through them...and feel that we have been a blessing to others in their time of grief.
About a year ago our family attended a funeral (complete with memorial service, Mass, burial, and gathering) for the grandfather of my 12yo ds's best friend. We had prayed for a miracle for the grandfather for some time and were so sad when he died. Yet, the funeral mass and service were...amazing. It was a privilege to attend. There were many children present and it all felt so right and holy.
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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BrendaPeter
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Angie Mc wrote:
I'm not sure when *leaving the children out of funerals* (or weddings for that matter) became a norm, but it seems to me that funerals, especially if there is a funeral mass, is all about integrating a new reality and turning our own eyes toward heaven.
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I'm not sure either but I believe it started happening when our culture began to believe that no one really dies  . Honestly, people are often so shocked these days when someone dies, even someone who was quite elderly and sick, that there's this overall sense that death is not real. Since we don't "lay out" grandma in the living room any more or physically dig her grave, we've lost touch with it all.
We always take our children and are always the only ones there with kids. Funerals are a very important part of our faith. Personally, I love a funeral mass as it is a great opportunity to come to grips with our own mortality. For us, attending the Mass and the reception afterwards has been a wonderful opportunity to witness to our relatives.
OK, off my soapbox now...
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Brenda (mom to 6)
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Elena
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My children went through a "season of sorrow" about five years ago when their baby brother and their grandmother passed in the same month. I blogged about it a couple of months ago here - Parenting a child through the death of a loved one.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your family patriarch Lindsey. May he rest in peace.
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Elena
Wife to Peter, mom of many!
My Domestic Church
One Day at a Time
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ALmom
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Sorry about your loss. Prayers for the repose of the soul and for your family.
Our children have gone to many, many funerals and viewings - think our oldest was between 1 and 2 at the first funeral and viewing. It was a great grandparent and the emotions were high among others in the family.
I remember distinctly when my grandfather died and how my grandmother took each grandchild up to the body one by one (and she has a a lot of grandchildren). I'm not sure every grieving person could do what my grandmother did but her example taught me tons later in helping my own children. She talked to them about how this was just the body, who the person really was had gone to God and she prayed with them for my grandfather. She talked about how the body felt cold now, and even asked if they wanted to touch the body - and if they did, she touched it with them and reinforced that it was cold because the person wasn't really there anymore. She didn't force any of us - just invited us to go up.
Since then I have tried to do things like she did and my children have asked but not been disturbed when they have witnessed intense grief on part of grieving relatives. We always aknowledge how much we miss seeing them here on earth.
At Chinese funerals, the family remains with the body until it is buried (someone in the family even stays with the body in the hearse. At the cemetery after the service, the family and friends each drop a flower on the casket and the first bit of dirt and then watch to see the remainder until the casket is completely buried. Since the first several funerals were Chinese relatives, this has become a definite part of my children's grieving ritual and when members of my family died, we remained longer at the cemetery so they could place a flower and watch the ground covered. It seemed a bit odd to my side that my children would want this but it does truely help them. They have even done this at 2 non-family funerals we attended - one was of an infant and the other was parents in a horrific tragedy that my children were unaware of details and I tried to avoid hearing the nitty gritty rumors of what exactly happened.
My children were very young at the first funerals we went to and have been able to adjust. The hardest for all of us was the most recent of my fil and primarily because there wasn't a viewing and the body was cremated. At the burial, my 4 yo was confused because he never quite got the closure (none of us did). He actually asked when we were going to see the body and where it was. I explained as best I could. Now he says his grandmother needs to have a baby because there are not enough people in her family (he knows she is lonely since granddad died and in his simple mind this might help - and grandmom got a kick out of the comment so it did help in terms of laughter). It reminded me a lot of my grandfather who died while we were overseas and only my dad could get back to the U.S. for the funeral and all. I know it seems odd, but there is something about the viewing and burial that help so much - the prayers in front of the body, etc.
Janet
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Rachel May
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I'm sorry for your loss and will be praying too.
Just this past weekend we took the kids to my husband's grandfather's funeral. We mostly prepared them for the fact that his body would be laid out, and it did not bother them at all. I knew the funeral itself would be long (4 hours just at the church) I took church books with us. The one specific one I chose was Angel in the Waters because of this page. Along with this part of the book about the baby being born into this world, it gives a gentle explanation of the feelings we will have about our own deaths. It's subtle for a little kid, but I could use it with the bigger ones if I need to (but they fell asleep).
With All Souls' Day almost here, it's a good time to visit a cemetary and pray for the Holy Souls in Purgatory. Little converstations in a matter of fact manner is my approach.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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mimmyof5
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I'm sorry for the loss of your dh's grandfather and will be praying.
I feel strongly that it is important that children are not hidden from death (not that you did that) or from funerals. But it seems the other Janet (Almom) said it very well.
My mother always took me to funerals/viewings. I remember holding her hand and walking up to the casket. I don't ever recall being afraid, sad yes, but not afraid. In fact, I'm sitting in the room where my grandmother died. (I live in the house I grew up in.) I was with her shortly before her death, and afterwards, my mother came to get me and brought me to see her. I remember sitting by the bed and holding her hand. I was 9 years old at the time.
In my dh's case, his mother never took him to a funeral (or wedding for that matter). He was 20 when he went to his first funeral. I don't if that is the reason, but he has a true difficulty dealing with sick people and grief. He's uncomfortable around people that are near death and is equally uncomfortable around grieving people. I've had quite a bit in the last 6 years losing both my parents, two aunts, an uncle plus close family friends.
From the beginning I've taken my children to funerals, vigils/viewings. We talk openly about death. I talk about my own death some day (always reminding them to pray for me because I don't think there are many left that remember to pray for the poor souls in Purgatory). I take them to the cemetery to visit family. We always take a thermos of tea to drink at my mom's grave on the anniversary of her death - she loved tea. My dad lived with us the six months before his death so my children saw him slowly fail. He passed at the hospital but was in our house up until the last few hours. None of my children seem at all afraid of death.
I know people who don't take their children to funerals because they think they're too young, but I disagree. Birth and death are natural, and I believe it's important to have closure. My father was cremated but we insisted on having a viewing before the cremation. I felt it was very important for the grandchildren to have that closure.
I don't have any special books to recommend. We talk and pray together mainly. We kept photo albums out of people who have passed away and looked at them often. Many stories and memories. It works for us.
God bless,
Janet
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: death and dying; children
