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Diane
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 6:39pm | IP Logged
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Will you please join me in praying for my grandmother and extended family? She has been living by herself in a small apartment and gradually declining in health since the death of my grandfather four yrs ago. She's been lonely and depressed and dreaded the thought of being placed in a nursing home. She has five living children, and they are either unwilling to take her in or unable to because of their spouses (this is my father's case---my mother died 13 yrs ago and his second wife won't consider it).
Dh and I would happily bring her to live with us, but she would never move so far away. My sister has encouraged her to come and live with her family---they are very close. My grandmother was considering it, until her children convinced her that it would never work---her house is too small, she has four young kids whom she homeschools, she lives four hrs away, blah, blah, blah. They don't want to take her in, but they don't want to let her go away either.
Well, last week she collapsed in the doctor's office and spent three days in the hospital for tests. Nothing unusual was found, but the dr advised that she no longer live alone. Feeling that she had no other choice, she agreed to move into a nursing home. She is miserable and told my sister that she is praying everyday that she will be able to go Home to be with my grandfather soon.
She does not need full-time nursing care---she simply cannot live alone. This has been so hard for my sister to watch, and there are a lot of ill feelings between her and my father and his siblings now. This sweet, loving woman and her husband devoted their entire lives to their children and grandchildren---how sad that she must end her days feeling so abandoned by her children whom she loved so well. They keep trying to justify it by saying it is the best place for her. So sad.
Anyway, thanks for reading this far. This has been a heavy weight on my heart---I love my grandmother so much and feel so helpless in this, especially living here in Europe. I'd really appreciate any prayers for her---we all call her Marnie. And please pray for her children as well.
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Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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Mare
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 7:04pm | IP Logged
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Diane,
I'll be praying for your grandmother.
Peace,
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Rebecca
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 7:15pm | IP Logged
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Oh Diane, I am sorry that your grandmother is going through this. I am praying for her and for your family.
Love,
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stefoodie
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 7:19pm | IP Logged
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Diane, it's so sad when things like this happen. My grandfather went through a similar thing when my grandmother died. Will pray for your grandma and all of you.
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stef
mom to five
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 7:42pm | IP Logged
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Diane,
I'll be praying for your grandmother.
We've been there, done that on a personal level with my f-i-l who suffers from Alzheimer's.
It is never a pretty cross in our eyes but, in God's, it's of immense beauty. The sacrifice here is great, but it lessens the one's time in Purgatory.
We cannot judge the five children. They will have their judgement before God.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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lilac hill
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My prayers are with your family, all of them, especially those having the most difficulty dealing with the new phase in Marnie's life.
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Viv
Wife to Rick (7/83), Mom to dd#1(6/87), dd#2(1/90), and dd#3(6/94) in central PA.
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Dawn
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| Posted: May 18 2006 at 8:44pm | IP Logged
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Diane, we will be praying for your grandmother and family. God bless.
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Dawn, mum to 3 boys
By Sun and Candlelight
The Nature Corner
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teachingmom
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Diane, I am so sad to read this. I'll pray for your grandmother and the rest of your family caught up in this decision. 
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Diane
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| Posted: May 19 2006 at 6:40am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for your prayers. They mean a great deal to me.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| We cannot judge the five children. They will have their judgement before God. |
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Cay, I have to say that your words cut right through me. Do I sound like I am judging them? I'm sure I probably do, although I've been working hard not to. I really am trying to see it from their points of view and have spent hours on the phone with my dad and aunt, allowing them to talk and sort things out, without confronting them about their choices.
But...is it possible to judge (and struggle to come to terms with) the sin without judging the sinner? Honestly, I see this as the contraceptive mentality at the other end of life. No, we may not condemn anyone who chooses to contracept, but that doesn't make the sinful action any less destructive to themselves or those around them.
Perhaps my sister and I are naive and underestimate the costs required in caring for Marnie in our homes. Probably so, and we have definitely been accused of this. Perhaps it would require a heroic act of virtue to take her in, and this cannot not be asked of anyone who is not freely called to give in this way. Each of her children has their specific situations and reasons for not being able to welcome her, and although they appear on the outside to be inconveniences (both minor and major) that might be overcome, I can't pretend to know what is truly inside their hearts and homes. I can't ask or expect them to make sacrifices to which they have not been called. I know that.
What frustrates and angers my sister and me the most is not that they wouldn't take her in, but that they wouldn't allow my sister to take her in, even on a trial basis. She does feel called to make this sacrifice, and my grandmother did express an interest in moving there...until her kids caught wind of the idea and squelched it with negativity. They have made my sister out to be the enemy, both foolish and meddling. I think they resist the idea for two reasons: they would have to drive 4 hrs to visit her, and it would prick their consciences, making them uncomfortable to know their daughter and niece was making the sacrifices they themselves are unwilling to make. Both seem like selfish reasons to me. They prefer to place her in a sterile institution, where she does not want or even need to be.
Oh...am I being uncharitable and judgmental again?  I'm sorry. Truly I am, I'm really struggling with this. I can't help remembering that it probably took a heroic act of virtue for my grandparents to welcome their son, his wife and four young kids into their home when he lost his job. And that it took another heroic act for them to give up their home to him nine yrs later when he lost his job again, this time bringing in eight kids. They never complained once about the daily care and mental and emotional energy required by their mentally ill son who lived with them until he died in his early fifties. And they struggled to pay a 10 yr mortgage all of lives, because they were always refinancing to bail out one of their kids. I find it very sad that their heroic generosity did not trickle down somehow.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| It is never a pretty cross in our eyes but, in God's, it's of immense beauty. The sacrifice here is great, but it lessens the one's time in Purgatory. |
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Cay, thank you for these words. I found them quite comforting and reassuring that her suffering is not in vain---a great reminder. In his job, my dh has to read daily horrific personal stories of the suffering taking place in Darfur and Afghanistan. I know that my grandmother's suffering is nothing compared to what others must endure throughout the world---we really have no idea how blessed we are. Still, it is never easy to watch a loved one suffer, especially when it seems avoidable.
I really appreciate being able to hash this out here and receive such beautiful prayer support. Thank you, Cay, for the reminder to be more generous in my thoughts as well as my actions.
__________________
Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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Elizabeth
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Oh Diane, how heartbreaking! And how difficult for you--sa far away. You and she and all concerned have my prayers.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Cay Gibson
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Diane wrote:
Cay, I have to say that your words cut right through me. Do I sound like I am judging them? |
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Diane,
I am so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I should have left that last sentence out all together. I know you are judging the sin and not the sinner. So my post came out very wrong.  I apologize.
I wrote it, in part, because I have had to tell myself that many, many times over. I have often been tempted to judge my b-i-ls and all the aunts and uncles when they did not step forward to help my dh and I when we were caring for my f-i-l. I wanted to judge...and I did judge. Then one day it hit me that the decision to care for him was our own and I did not know their hearts. They were answerable only to God, not to me.
It was a sad situation but I could only do what my dh and I felt called to do. I could not speak for anyone else.
I am coming from both ends of the table. My dh and I were judged when we moved in with PawPaw to take care of him. Our youngest was 15 months old and people thought we were crazy. My like-minded hs friends were very gracious towards our decision but also questioned our decision.
That being said, we could not have cared for an Alzheimer's patient completely on our own resources. I had five children to raise. Dh had to work full-time to provide for us. It was hard, I won't deny that.
We were only able to care to PawPaw because we had the support of two of my b-i-ls. They watched PawPaw when the children had activities we had to attend. One of the boys took PawPaw to all his doctor visits so I didn't have to bring him with all the chidlren in tow.
I hate to say this because it sounds very non-pro-life, but caring for PawPaw put a hold on everyone's lives. We did it out of love. We did it because he was the best f-i-l and PawPaw in the world and we wanted what was best for him.
My dh and I did it from a Christian outlook but we were constantly badgered from the outside about our decision. It seemed that our decision to care for him burdened the rest of the family. Perhaps because it made them feel guilty. I don't know.
Diane wrote:
| Perhaps it would require a heroic act of virtue to take her in, and this cannot not be asked of anyone who is not freely called to give in this way. |
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It does, yet I think love makes the act so much easier. The burden so much lighter.
I know three ladies who care for their elderly mothers at home. The only time of year they are away is when they go on an annual retreat. THey hire a live-in nurse to care for their mother during this weekend. They have all told me it is a calling and an offering. None of them deny the trail and hardship it is in caring for an elderly person in their home. But they feel it is a blessing and that God has called them to it. They are all very giving ladies who resonate with peace and calm. They have given up their retirement years to care for their ailing mothers.
And that's one difference between my situation and theirs. All their children are grown and gone. And, except for one, their dh's have passed as well.
That was something that left me resentful during our time caring for PawPaw. My dh was a "late in life baby". He's the youngest. The other brothers' children are all grown and gone. My dh had the most children and still had young ones at home. We had the least amount of time to devote to PawPaw, but devote it we did. To this day even.
Yet see...there I go again...justifying and judging what we do to what the others don't do...the sinner I am. 
Diane wrote:
What frustrates and angers my sister and me the most is not that they wouldn't take her in, but that they wouldn't allow my sister to take her in, even on a trial basis. She does feel called to make this sacrifice, and my grandmother did express an interest in moving there...until her kids caught wind of the idea and squelched it with negativity. |
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Oh, I agree with you perfectly. If she is willing and offering, they should allow her to open her home to Marnie.
Again, I think the ones who will not or cannot offer, find that their ego and their spirit is pricked with guilt, and guilt is not an easy pill to swallow. They know that your sister would be doing more and giving more to their mother than they, and that makes them uncomfortable.
One of my b-i-l firmly believes in paying to get the job done. He would rather pay people to care for his father than care for him...and his wife is a home-health nurse!!!  Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
The world has become so deviated from family-centered to being professionally-dependant. My b-i-l believes that only professionals can give his father the care he needs. Seems he has lost the 'human element' in trying to figure out the perfect conditions.
As you can see, I have had my own lessons to learn about judging others. I judged my dh's family many times that first year after Meme's death. I'm still offering penance for that. 
I guess, in hindsight, I wanted to warn you not to fall into the sin I fell into.  I had to confess that sin too many times in the confessional. On one hand I was being the good Christian in caring for my f-i-l. On the other hand I was being a sinner in judging the rest of the family's excuses and motives.
Diane wrote:
| I'm really struggling with this. |
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I know you are, dear. You have my prayers. Truly, I did not mean to hurt you. I have been in your shoes and I have walked in them. The year of caring for PawPaw was very stressful...though a blessing in many ways. And then, when we put him in a care facility, I was consumed by guilt that I could not live up to my Christian role of virtuous, dutiful, saintly d-i-l. I felt I had failed my husband and my f-i-l. It was a rough go.
I found peace in reading somewheres that Mother Teresa said not all people are called to the same service. That people should not feel guilty for not working with the poor as she did. We are not all called to that.
It took a saint to tell me that I was being too hard on myself. 
Diane wrote:
| Still, it is never easy to watch a loved one suffer, especially when it seems avoidable. |
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I know.  There were many tearful nights here and many nights my dh was on the phone late at night with PawPaw talking him through crying spells.
Even now, my dh is the one who goes to see about PawPaw when he's in the hospital. My dh has taken time off of work to sit at the hospital with him though the other boys could do so easier than he can. But he feels it's something he can still do for his father and he does it without questions or judging his family.
I have learned a lot from my dh. He refuses to judge his own family or speak out against anyone. He humbly tends to his father's needs and finances, visits him regularly, and never utters a word about it. He just humbly does what he can do and leaves the rest in God's hands. It leaves me hoping that our children do the same for him. And it leaves me frightened should my answers go unanswered. But prayers never go *unanswered*, do they?
Diane wrote:
Thank you, Cay, for the reminder to be more generous in my thoughts as well as my actions.
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Diane, I think you are being more than generous with your thoughts and, certainly, your actions. You are putting Marnie above any other concerns and, hopefully, the family will learn a lesson in compassion from you and your sister.
Thank you for *listening* to me.  As you can see, I still struggle with this issue. This was one way of letting me rethink, re-evaluate the issue and re-analyze my reaction.
I truly believe God uses this forum to bless us and teach us in more ways than we could ever imagine. 
This is a long way of making an apology, but I hope you know that my prayers are sincere. Next time you ask for prayers, I promise to just offer the prayers and not the other careless statements.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Diane
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Dear Cay, no apology is needed whatsoever. I know that you didn't intend to hurt me. Obviously, since your simple words struck a nerve, I had some uncharitable attitudes that needed to be re-examined. I really am grateful for that challenge.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with PawPaw---it was so helpful for me to read. It's clear that it was very difficult for you to care for him, but also very difficult not to care for him when you had to place him in a care facility. Some times, most times, there are no easy answers. May God bless you for your faithfulness to your fil and your willingness to do the right thing, regardless of the cost. Your dh is an amazing witness to all of us of the proper attitude to have in love, giving freely and expecting nothing in return.
I've asked my sister to read this thread, because I think she will find your words healing and be comforted by all of the prayers. It's time for me to turn this over to the Lord completely and trust Him to care for Marnie and to show me what He would have me do for her.
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Peace,
Diane
Mom to five fair lasses and one bonny prince
The Journey of a Mother's Heart
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cathhomeschool
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Diane, I'm praying for you, your sister, grandmother, and all your extended family. This is such a sad situation and the hurts can run so deep and remain so long. Praying for healing for all of you, and for the Holy Spirit to guide you all so that was is truly best for your dear grandmother can be done.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: for my grandmother and family
