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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 4:53pm | IP Logged
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Hi all,
You might remember that I have asked (through Ruth) many prayers for our William as of late. We are SO thankful that he is home and he is doing well! Now, I have a stupid prayer request. I have 8 other children. I have been more of the "attachment" sort of parent I guess without ever realizing I was one. For some reason, William just won't nurse. I have tried and tried to get him to, and he gets very frustrated now that he has had to have a bottle so much due to his health problems. I have tried pumping, which he will take, but who has time to pump with 8 other kids, frankly. So, why does this upset me so much? I have been quite distraught about this and feel sort of stupid for feeling that way, and I keep trying to just "get over it", but I am sad about it all day long. I feel as if he doesn't really "need" me like all the other kids did since, he doesn't really care who feeds him. I know this is stupid since obviously there is a heck of a lot more to being a mom than just nursing, but since I was more of an attached sort of mom, I feel very depressed about it all. I am sure all this is related to hormones since I keep trying to "yank" my milk back in desperation all the time by pumping, so I am sure I am yo-yoing nature or something. And, I have had an extremely stress-filled time over the past month and a half since he has been in the hospital twice, so there has been a lot of dread and worry and LOTS of sleep loss obviosuly. So, I am sure that is all a part of it.
Anyway,today, I decided to just pack up the pump, which led to sadness. I think I am being really stupid since, at least I have a healthy little man to take care of which leads me to feel guilty about being so wrapped around the axle about this. Last night I offered up the suffering for every single time I would have nursed him over the next year since it is such a sacrifice to not be able to bond with him in my normal way. Anyone else understand this? I did talk with one nurse when William was in the hospital and she said she had to go to counseling since she couldn't nurse her 3rd child, so I guess other people must feel this way. I feel sort of dumb for caring so much about it. I feel like the few folks I have talked to about it are like, "get over it and move on already!!!" It's not that I like nursing. Sometimes I found it downright annoying and limiting when I could nurse, and bottle feeding is definately "freeing", but for some reason it just makes me really blue. So, prayers for acceptance would be appreciated and thanksgiving that I have a healthy baby boy to love and hold!  I just feel so conflicted about it, but I guess it is out of my hands since I don't seem to have much of a supply to speak of anymore.  I know I just need to give myself time to learn to mother in a new way, and it makes me feel stupid for not just moving on.
I guess I am also a bit sad about the knowledge that I am getting older now and this whole chapter of motherhood (i.e. having babies) is about to come to a close and the docs told me any future pregnancies would be "high risk" so I am a bit terrified to even have any more children. So, it has just been all a little overwhelming to me and then with all of William's health scares on top of it......I just feel a bit emotional I guess.
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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DominaCaeli
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 5:03pm | IP Logged
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Your feelings aren't silly at all, Kim--I'll be praying for you and little William! 
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Blessings,
Celeste
Joyous Lessons
Mommy to six: three boys (8, 4, newborn) and four girls (7, 5, 2, and 1)
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 5:09pm | IP Logged
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Kim, you have been through so much! I will pray for you to find peace with the best solution for you and William!
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Tami
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 5:35pm | IP Logged
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Awww, Kim
My advice would be to go ahead and mourn the loss of the activity, but not the relationship, because you are not losing your relationship with little William - your activities with him are just changing a little, and a little sooner than with all your other children. He needs you just as much as he always has.
I'll be praying for you - that the Lord shows you how you ~are~ bonding with him; and for your hormones to settle out peacefully. That you offered up every nursing to the Lord is so beautiful, Kim - I know He will reward you richly.
Peace be with you dear.
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God bless,
Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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stefoodie
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Praying, Kim. So good to see you posting on here. We are also indebted to Ruth for keeping us apprised. I echo what the others have said -- praying for your peace, yes!
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stef
mom to five
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jenk
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 6:27pm | IP Logged
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Praying for peace for you, Kim.
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Jen
with 2 boys, 14 and 8, and a girl expected 1/09
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Nina Murphy
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 6:38pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Kim, I swear, I think sometimes we were separated at birth.
No seriously, I went through almost an identical process, in almost the same time period as you. I did end up streeeeetching it out (more due to my sheer force of will than his interest) for 6 months before it became simply pointless....but I kept on putting him on and drawing him to me, after his hospitalizations and diagnoses, at least trying---and snuggling.
I had to stop the pumping; it was killing me with the hospital schedules, stress, and sleep-deprivation. And he would literally reflux every single time I nursed him in the hospital for "comfort" as he was struggling to breathe....it became so traumatic that he and I associated nursing with pain and stress and fear, and every single time the dreaded gagging and retching would come.
It is a miracle that I was able to develop a nursing relationship at all with the challenges we were up against and I am thankful for every minute, every "feeding", every day. (I have pictures of him nursing--- discreet, covered. I suggest taking those because you will look back on those later and find joy...!)
He was born unexpectedly, 8 weeks early, blue, tangled up in the cord; he was in the NICU; he developed a swollen abdomen and then was diagnosed with Meconium Ileus, had something like 10 gastrografin (radioactive) enemas which failed, lost more and more weight, finally was diagnosed with CF, transferred between three NICUs, came home eventually after 3 1/2 wks, but then had to go back at 2 months with RSV at 7 lbs; stayed 12 days due to reflux complications and loss of weight.
I could rarely nurse him during his first stay in the hospital after birth; and after his release, had to supplement, but pumped determinedly often with tears of exhaustion streaming down my face for those 2 months to keep up a supply. He never really took milk well, but did latch and we did get those times.
When he came home from the RSV, it was clear he needed mostly the supplemental formula to thrive, but like I said, I persisted even if once a day for months. I did give up the pumping and all strenuous effort to maintain my supply, and I am grateful that God allowed my milk to remain and the nursing bond, for those precious 6 months.
I know how you feel. You are not the only woman who has or is going through this. Please do not feel badly and beat yourself up. Please rest and strengthen yourself for your sweet children. You have my prayers.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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aussieannie
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 6:45pm | IP Logged
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Kim, you have my prayers, I am so glad to hear that William is home now too.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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stellamaris
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Kim, I am praying for you. None of your heartaches or sorrows are "silly" to our Lord; He is holding you tenderly in His Sacred Heart every minute.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Jan 26 2010 at 10:08pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Kim, I'm praying for you!
My heart aches with yours. I'm so glad others can offer you their perspective. It's so helpful to not feel alone in this, to not feel strange for mourning this. My prayers are yours!
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Chris V
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Dearest Kim, this is not silly at all, I echo what Caroline said. None of your heartache is silly to our Lord.
I will surely be praying that Peace Be With You
and I too, am so very thankful that your sweet William is home.
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Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11)
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mariB
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| Posted: Jan 27 2010 at 4:41am | IP Logged
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These are not silly feelings at all! If I was there, I would as so many mothers would here, sympathize with you. And...you have been through so much! So glad that William home and doing well. May God grant you his peace and lots of rest! Praying for you and baby!
And sending lots of ...
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marib-Mother to 22ds,21ds,18ds,15dd,11dd and wife to an amazing man for 23 years
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Paula in MN
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Kim, you are in my prayers.
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Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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4 lads mom
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| Posted: Jan 27 2010 at 6:19am | IP Logged
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Ditto everything Nina said.....I’ve so, so been there with my last two babies. Their jaws were so tiny, they couldn’t nurse....I could hardly bare it the first time around. I kept crying in the NICU telling anyone who would listen, “This is NOT how I parent!!!"  What I was referring to is what you said, Kim.....attachment parenting was my thing. I was still nursing a three yr old! I had attended LLL meetings the whole last trimester, preparing to tandem nurse. I had a midwife..... who was very ignorant of how significant my ds’s issues were, whispering in my ear, “Just push his jaw forward to latch on, prove the docs wrong, they always want mama’s to stop nursing” (unreal) I had a heartbreaking moment with a lactation consultant, sitting in NICU, trying to latch my guy on, and all he did was turn blue and choke. I was devastated. At that moment.....a nurse said, “You are going to do attachment parenting....it is going to look and feel different, but you will be very, very attached to this little guy. Every time you feed him with his g-tube, and snuggle, he knows he is loved, every time you clear his trach, he feels you taking care of him....every time you meet his needs...he knows he is loved, and in the end, that is what is important.” I believed her.....and she was right. I pumped for nine weeks, which was insane, given how much time I was at the hospital with him that first few months....and had three other little guys....one who would NOT wean at that point. I almost broke at nine weeks.....it was not pretty. Hormones, intense lack of sleep, a whole new world of “special needs”....mourning the losses of “normalacy” at that point....Oh, Kim, honey, you have to be gentle, gentle, gentle on your self right now.....you are not silly.....you are heroic. Recognize those feelings, own them....and then focus on what is right in front of you at the moment. That is where the grace is.
Please keep reaching out....we who have been there know how isolating it can all be sometimes.
Many
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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LLMom
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| Posted: Jan 27 2010 at 6:21am | IP Logged
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Praying for you, Kim. Your feelings aren't silly; it is a loss for you. Maybe carry him in a sling more would help you? Just a thought.
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Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
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Maddie
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| Posted: Jan 27 2010 at 6:32am | IP Logged
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I am praying for you with much empathy, Kim. I'm asking Zelie Martin, mother of St. Therese, who was unable to nurse her babies, to pray for you. I turned to her often during my nursing difficulties.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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my6angels
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Kim, I am praying for you!! My 5th was in the hospital for the first eight months of his life and was on a ventilator most of the time so I didn't get to nurse him at all!! I felt the same way! I was already so sad that his was sick but in addition I was so sad I couldn't nurse him. I pumped for a few months which is so hard and even though I had nursed my other four for 2 years each I was a big failure with pumping! It's just not the same as nursing your precious baby!!I felt very useless! But the good news is he is now a healthy, happy 2 year old and I'm as close to him as I am to all my others who did nurse. He hugs and kisses me all day! So it worked out fine! But I will pray very hard for you because I know what you're feeling - and it's not stupid. I will also keep praying for little William and for your whole family.
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God Bless!
Gina
Wife to Mark (1997)
Mama to Cecilia 10, Savanna 8, Leo 6, Neve 4, Fintan 2 and Aurelia 1 and baby due 9/2010
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hylabrook1
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Praying, Kim.
Peace,
Nancy
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10 Bright Stars
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WOW! Your posts were SO helpful to me. I feel almost a little ashamed I must admit, for complaining about my circumstances since some of you all have experienced real honest to goodness suffering!  Having said that, it is a relief to know I am not the only one who has felt this way and that you all made it through. I keep trying to be at peace about it but it often pops up at odd times and then it overwhelms me for some reason.
I too tried to pump each day, Nina, if only for a few minutes here or there or if I could just do it one time a day and give him the tiny, tiny amount I ended up making the past few days after all the time in the hospital (which is nothing compared to the time some of you all spent) but it is true, with the crazy schedules there and sleep depravation, it almost seemed silly to go hide in the corner and try to pump when the stress and sleep deprivation made the supply dwindle down to nothing at times. I do still feel like things are "working", but I can't get much out when I pump and when I try to latch him on, he will nurse for a minute or two (too lightly) and then he will fall asleep and laugh in his sleep, then he will unlatch. Then, there is no latching him back on at all! Like I was telling Kacky you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink! I thought the consistant laughing in his sleep was humerous (like a teasing thing) but also a nice moment in time to remember; that he seemed content there and maybe if circumstances surrounding his birth had been different (I had trouble recovering from the emergency c-section due to a partial abruption that went undiagnosed ALL day long! ) as far as not being able to lay in a bed or on the couch for over 2 weeks, so I had to sleep in the rocking chair which maybe led to supply issues??? Who knows. )maybe things would have been different. I sort of wish I hadn't been too prideful to rent a pump right away when the lactation consultant visited me, but I gave off the attitude that "we are old pros and won't have any trouble." So, I wish I had a "do-over" maybe.
But, there is no use crying over spilt milk, or in this case, lost milk, so I will just have to give it to God as a sacrifice that I hope will be beneficial in some way. It is interesting to note that Maddie mentioned Zelie Martin since I prayed to her in the hospital that she would work something out for me and I felt so sorry for her suffering she must have gone through and wondered if her sons failed to thrive or something due to her nursing troubles and could not imagine how she must have felt wanting so desparately to feed her children, but being unable to do so and in St. Therese's case, having to send her away for an extended period of time. I can't imagine the sorrow and am at least grateful for formula in that my baby seems to be thriving now and is healthy.
Thank you all so much for your prayers and support. It is nice to know that this is all normal and that time will heal the sorrow.
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Maddie
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Eight Wonders wrote:
But, there is no use crying over spilt milk, or in this case, lost milk, so I will just have to give it to God as a sacrifice that I hope will be beneficial in some way. It is interesting to note that Maddie mentioned Zelie Martin since I prayed to her in the hospital that she would work something out for me and I felt so sorry for her suffering she must have gone through and wondered if her sons failed to thrive or something due to her nursing troubles and could not imagine how she must have felt wanting so desparately to feed her children, but being unable to do so and in St. Therese's case, having to send her away for an extended period of time. I can't imagine the sorrow and am at least grateful for formula in that my baby seems to be thriving now and is healthy.
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That is exactly why I thought of her. What some people don't realize is St. Therese had an older sister named Therese also who actually died due to the neglect of the wet nurse! She was starved to death. What Zelie Martin would have given for formula so she could have kept her baby home near her loving arms!
You can read more about it in A Story of a Family published by TAN.
God bless you! You are not alone in carrying this cross and it is so heavy for moms like us.
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~Maddie~
Wife to my dh and Momma of 9 dear ones
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: prayers for peace of mind
