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rm4mrfrus
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| Posted: Feb 11 2007 at 10:44pm | IP Logged
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There is a lady about my age at our Church who has been working at cultivating a friendship with me and our family and I am not comfortable with it. I am trying to be nice and polite but this seems to just be one of those friendships that is just not "jelling" on my side.
There are lots of little things that are making me uncomfortable with her. We share a lot of conservative Catholic beliefs but that is where ANY commonalities end. I get conflicting vibes from her about me and my family. There are a couple of other things that worry me as well.
She has a way of asking things that makes me feel as if I can't say no even if I want to. I can't really describe how it makes me feel trapped into doing whatever it is, but I feel as if there is no graceful way out. Recently she invited her family over to our house for a big holiday once she heard we were not going to relatives for that holiday I could not think of a response other than "sure" to "since you're going to be staying home, how do you feel about us joining you for dinner?"
Then her dh emails my dh that they are looking at homes in our neighborhood. Now she just told me that on a certain upcoming day her dd has a teacher workday and would it be ok for her to come sit in on our homeschool for the day? She assured me she would not distract my kids which I do not think would be the case...it would be so out of the norm to have another child here for school. And then made a comment which makes me believe that she too would be here while we homeschooled because I had some things she wanted to take a look at and that would give her time to do so?! I am not quick with answers and feel as if she is always catching me offguard with these things. I mumbled something about checking my calendar.
It feels as if these are things that come with a seasoned friendship ( I'd have several of my closest friends over for the holidays or come hang out while we school)or an emergency...as opposed to someone saying, "hey can I borrow your Vision saint books" or "would you like to set up a playdate? Would your house or mine be better this first time?"
Why would someone want to come to my house and have her kid sit in on our homeschooling for the day? None of my kids are even the same age or school year as hers?! I just think that is weird and makes me uncomfortable. And no, homeschooling is not something they are looking into.
I would describe her as more of an acquaintance rather than even as a close friend. I have never seen her house, have never been invited to it, do not chat with her on the phone , do not share confidences,struggles, recipes, etc. I do not invite them over for things. My dd has never asked me to play with theirs.
Am I just being mean? Something is telling me to distance myself from her. I honestly don't want to be unkind but I also feel that each time I say yes to her requests, it binds me in a way. I don't feel as if I can distance myself because I keep getting caught offguard by her requests.
If I am being unkind, any wisdom for being nicer? And if it is not a matter of that, any wisdom on distancing myself effectively but kindly?
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humanaevitae
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| Posted: Feb 11 2007 at 11:16pm | IP Logged
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I have no suggestions but it would all make me uncomfortable too!
When she asks you these things have you ever responded by asked her "why"?
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Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
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Erin
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 5:46am | IP Logged
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Okay, firstly if you are uncomfortable then always go with your instincts. Listen to them, often it is the Holy Spirit guiding us. One day you may find a reason as to why you are feeling like this, for now trust those feelings.
Secondly how to get out of things graciously, well I learnt this one by hard trial and error. When she asks you something and you're caught off guard just say sweetly, "I'll have to discuss it with dh and get back to you on that", or "Let me think on that and I'll let you know." This gives you time to think of a nice way to put her off or to accept on YOUR terms. Also very important to ask dh his imput, why do we often ask our men last?  they have great ideas and perspectives.
You are going to have to be very firm though and set your boundaries, often we try to avoid problems by hoping they go away but they can snowball, as I have learnt  Sometimes you are going to have to be truthful but tactful. ie. "I'm sure you will understand but this is a special family dinner..." and "I know that you wouldn't mean to be distracting but the children would be distracted, you would welcome to come for a visit at 2pm"
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Erin
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 7:50am | IP Logged
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Erin has some excellent ideas. I agree with the overall idea that you should listen to your instincts that make you uncomfortable with this. Maybe you could do something less personal; when spring comes, meet at a park where the children can play, go on a field trip together, something that has definite time limits and does not involve people coming into your home. She may be a lovely person, but you can get to know her more gradually. It does sound as if the things she wants to do with you are kind of overwhelming and, rightly, feel inappropriate with someone you barely know.
Peace,
Nancy
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Cheryl
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 7:54am | IP Logged
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I agree with what Erin has said. Trust your gut.
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Cheryl
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rm4mrfrus
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 9:33am | IP Logged
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Thank you ladies for assuring me that sometimes gut feelings are what you need to go with even if you are not sure why. There are actually some other similar things that I had agreed to which I had to recently back peddle and say I could no longer do. This caused her to be greatly upset which I had not anticipated. I think that is what made me really start questioning what is going on here. But it also makes me worry about how to respond to everything with her.
Nicole,
No, I have never asked her why. 1)I never think of anything like that fast...2)I am worried that that would seem confrontational to her and lead to something bigger. For the life of me though, I can't figure out why she would want to do this. Maybe I'm afraid of the answer!
Erin, thanks for the suggestions...the way you suggested to say no sounds great. I'll email that later in the week. Except I do not want to offer any alternatives..... Actually dh had already told me to be wary and try to steer clear. He is much more direct than I am...I need to work on that, but you are right, I tend to try to ignore or avoid things in hopes that they fade away, but in this case, it is not fading.
Nancy and Cheryl, thanks...I am often a very private person and don't know if it is a weird quirk of mine to back off or a good gut feeling.
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Feb 12 2007 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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I agree -- go with your gut. I have a hard time saying "no" too, especially with some people, and get caught off guard quite a bit. It might help to rehearse what Erin said ("I'll get back to you.") so that when you see her, it will come more quickly to your lips. I *try* to do this, but still tend to panic first when put in these situations. It helps me to remember that I'm not rude or mean by saying "no" -- not any more so than she is being by putting me on the spot in the first place.
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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rm4mrfrus
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| Posted: Feb 18 2007 at 4:28pm | IP Logged
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an update:
I took Erin's advice and just left it short and sweet...I'm sorry but it would be distracting.. we'll see you at such and such a time....and got no reply.
Today she approached dh after Mass(I was home with still sick kids) and informed him that she would be coming over tomorrow for a playdate. Dh knew that I had already emailed a "no" so he said that he didn't think that it would work as our kids have been sick all week and are still not up to par. Her response was "oh that is ok because we have had stuff too." (this really irks me because instead of thinking of my kids and realizing that they (and I)are not UP to entertaining after a solid week of the flu and possibly salmonella (we find out tomorrow if our youngest has it), all she was thinking of was whether it was contagious!  ) If my kids are too sick to come to Mass, I can guarantee that we are not up to entertaining. And I also would not want to infect anyone else with this wicked stuff we just had either.
Dh also noted that she now just called it a playdate instead of coming over to do school as she had with me so he figured that she got my email and understood that doing school with us was a no go but is still just pushing to come over. He asked her what time she was thinking so he could check with me and she would not state a time. To try to avoid this very thing happening, I specifically wrote when we would see them next (at a function later this week) so that coming over after we were done with school was clearly not an option.
And if she had NOT received my message about it not being ok to come over, I would still (if I were the person coming over) try to confirm in some way to see if it was ok. The last thing I had left her with (prior to my message) was "let me check my calendar and let you know."
I am feeling so icky about this...first I think it is odd to be so persistent about inviting yourself to another's house, even after being told no, second, I am not sure how much more blunt I can be and what that may lead to. I am starting to feel anxious about encounters with them, in a "what could be next" sort of way. Dh is taking care of reiterating the "no" for tomorrow, but even he is not convinced that there is not more to come from it. I would not be surprised to still get a knock on my door tomorrow. As uncomfortable as it would make me, I think at this point I would still not invite them in.
How do you handle the "beyond persistent"?
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Feb 18 2007 at 4:56pm | IP Logged
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rm4mrfrus wrote:
| How do you handle the "beyond persistent"? |
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Hold your ground. (my opinion) We shouldn't give in to our kids after we've said 'no' just because they keep insisting. This is no different.
And I would either not answer the door at all, or would do as you say and not invite them in, insisting that your kids have been sick and you will NOT have company. I find the situation very strange. Maybe I'm just paranoid. (I'm having flashbacks to some weird and ultimately dangerous situations that my mother was put in when we were growing up. Thankfully my mother listened to my father's gut instincts.)
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Janette (4 boys - 22, 21, 15, 14)
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JennGM
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| Posted: Feb 18 2007 at 6:47pm | IP Logged
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Hoo boy, I'd run away from her if you can. Your home is not open to company. You're not entertaining. Period. Send another email or have dh call and say don't come.
If she comes, I'd be like Janette...don't answer.
Trust your instincts...
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Jennifer G. Miller
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Feb 18 2007 at 7:22pm | IP Logged
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What Jenn said (incorporating what Janette said). If they show up anyway, I would definitely go with not answering the door. Sorry if I also seem paranoid, but I would be concerned that if I went to the door, she would manage some way of getting into my house.
Praying for you in this whole situation.
Peace,
Nancy
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Sarah in SC
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It's things like this that make it easy to put a note on the front door that says:
"Please do not knock or ring the bell. Children are sick and resting, and so is MOM."
It works for UPS, the mail guy....AND the children in the neighborhood--so why not her?
And if she did knock or ring anyway, I would NOT answer the door.
This girl can apparently not take a hint. That would speak volumes to me.
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Erin
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Wow, I'm so impressed with your dh he is one strong guy  But boy this woman sure is pushy, to still insist she is coming after being told firmly and when the kids are sick
I really like the above ideas of not answering the door. I had to giggle at Sarah's note on the door, I'd be interested at her reaction to that note.
Wish life didn't throw these curves, I adressed an issue with a friend this weekend thinking that I best not let it snowball and well it blew up in my face  A friend accused my ds7 of physically assaulting her dd5 at dance lessons constantly, well the dance teacher tells me this is not so, my best friend also tells me this is not so and I hadn't seen anything either. It all comes down to interpretation, this friend perceives children bumping into each other in a dance circle as hitting, punching and kicking which she sees as assualt. Dh told me I shouldn't have said anything, but I knew that the mother had issues with my son as she kept saying that her dd was 'terrorised' by my son. She is in for a rude surprise she can't keep her dd wrapped up forever, the ironical thing is this child is no angel but her mother can't see it. Not a bad kid just normal but mum treats her like an adult I have never met anyone who gives so much credence to a five yr old.
Dh wants me to keep out of her way and I really don't want to put my ds in a situation where he can be Who I am most angry with is myself, I allowed this friend to talk to my ds in a way that I wasn't comfortable with and she was hard on him. Why? I falsely assumed that maybe he could have been lying after all dc do sometimes, but I didn't stop to think that her story was based on her perceptions. I have learnt another hard earned lesson and hopefully the disservice I have done my son won't cause us damage. Well I've now hijacked your thread  so I'll head back to my cave to lick my still smarting wounds.
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Erin
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rm4mrfrus
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| Posted: Feb 18 2007 at 11:17pm | IP Logged
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Dh also noted that she now just called it a playdate instead of coming over to do school as she had with me so he figured that she got my email and understood that doing school with us was a no go but is still just pushing to come over
I don't know how to quote just a bit so I copied and pasted!
Erin, I was not clear in this post..dh did not note it to her, he noted it to me after he got home! I was just so icked out that I rambled in my post! He just told her he did not think it would work as the kids had been sick and that he would let her know. He sent her a message again this evening to which we have had no reply.
Not answering the door was my first choice but Sarah's note on the door is an even easier idea! Can't argue with someone if there isn't someone answering the door to argue with! Although dh will be home and he is starting to WANT to answer the door and get it over with! But that could make it worse. I do appreciate the prayers as I am still feeling uneasy about the whole thing.
Erin, I'm sorry you and your ds had to deal with this. It stinks when these curve balls get turned into snowballs! I am sure it wil not weigh too heavily on your son. I have had to go back so many times and apologize to my kids and they always seem so much more forgiving than I would be! Can you tell your son to stay away from the little girl so she doesn't get him in trouble? That may not be possible in dance class, but may be worth a shot...he can try to not be near her as much as he can. As far as this thread, hijack away, there's always room for one more! Maybe it can be the how to deal with difficult people one! I am amazed though at how easily people feel they can say awful things to you or your children!
Janette, yeah, it is a really strange situation. As much as I think my family is fantastic, I can't seem to see someone else's fascination with being in on it!
Jenn, Nancy and Sarah, I'm all for the no door answering...and even more so for the note on the door...I can not imagine what kind of a response that would get! I definitely do not feel that this is the end of it though. I do appreciate the prayers! I will let you all know tomorrow what happens. My bedtime prayers will be for an email in the morning saying...."sorry to hear it won't work, rest up and we'll see you at Mass!" 
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Servant2theKing
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Praying the day goes well, and that you are able to nip the situation in the bud. We had a relationship with a family that was fraught with similar issues and I didn't trust my instincts, or those of other family members. Things went from difficult, to bad, to worse and I deeply regret not cutting off the relationship early on. When you have a strong sense that something isn't right it is usually best to avoid such people at all costs... I have learned the hard, painful way that kindness, subtle hints, and even outright "No's" just don't work with some people and you must resort to setting strict boundaries or outright avoidance of them. It is not lack of charity to avoid a situation that is unhealthy for your family. Your very first obligation is the well-being of your own family.
Homeschooling families have the extra task of guarding their time so that they can devote themselves to meaningful learning...just as a teacher in a classroom could not permit an open door policy for guests, due to the distractions it would cause, homeschooling parents do well to prevent similar distractions from interfering with their homeschooling day! Stand firm and trust in your own instincts and those of your dh! May God's holy angels surround your family and home today, and every day, and may you have a profound sense of peace in doing what is best for your family!
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Paula in MN
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I, too, am praying the day goes well for you. And I like the idea of a note on the door. It reminds me of pictures in our family album...my mother was quaranntined (spelling?) with measles back in the 1940's and there are warning signs all over the front door!
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 Paula
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Victoria in AZ
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Could it be that she is lonely and thinks you might make a neat friend? From what you wrote above, it sounds like both she and her husband admire your family. Maybe some tiny part of her, that she can't admit, is interested in hs'ing.
I agree that meeting at a neutral location (park, museum) might be best. I would not like that she would push to come over when family members are sick.
Perhaps if she comes and visits at your house she will get over her fascination with you when she realizes you're not as great as she thought just kidding now
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Martha in VA
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Oh boy!! I really don't want to sound harsh but this has personality disorder written all over it. I agree with the others that you should trust your instincts. I did NOT trust my instincts in a similar situation a few years ago. It got really scary for our family.
Blessings as you seek the Lord for wisdom.
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Nina Murphy
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[QUOTE=Erin] Okay, firstly if you are uncomfortable then always go with your instincts. Listen to them, often it is the Holy Spirit guiding us. One day you may find a reason as to why you are feeling like this, for now trust those feelings.
QUOTE]
I totally second this.
You are not mean, by the way---you are senstive and perceptive, perhaps. 
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~~Nina
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Jen L.
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How did it go today?
I am praying for you.
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Jen
dh Klete,ds (8/95),dd (12/97), dd (11/00), and ^2^ in heaven
"...the best state in which to glorify God is our actual state; the best grace is that of the moment..." St. Peter Eymard
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