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JennyMaine
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Location: Maine
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 5:20am | IP Logged
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Ladies, I could use some advice. I have one sister, and there is something wrong. I'm starting to think she truly does have an undiagnosed personality disorder (OCPD, not to be confused with OCD). Even my children don't like to be around her anymore, because you never know when she's going to become angry and vicious over something totally unimportant.
She lives several hours away from us, and doesn't try to maintain contact with me too much, as she's so furious that I homeschool (yes, 7 years now and she's still not over it). However, I live next door to my mom. My sister comes to visit her several times a year and it always turns ugly.
My sister has no children and has become obsessed with my daughter. She has made comments over the years like, "Catherine is the daughter I never had"; "I love her more than I could love one of my own children." etc. On her last visit, two weeks ago, she came into my house and started criticizing me over issues like "Why doesn't Catherine have the largest bedroom? I'm not sure that's the best quality mattress you've got her sleeping on." After her visit, she ordered a new mattress for my daughter. (The rest of us could be sleeping in cardboard boxes on the street for all she cares!) But it wasn't done with a spirit of love and caring -- it was very clearly done with an attitude of "because you're such an inadequate mother, I'm going to step in and by the girl who should have been mine a better mattress." KWIM?
She is upset because my daughter wants to be a nun. My daughter told her last year that she wants to join the Sisters of Charity and work with the dying. My sister was horrified. Now I can't help but notice that on her visits she is pulling my daughter aside and singing the praises of college. This last time my daughter said to her, "Well, I really think God wants me to be a nun." My sister said, "But you know you don't have to do that, right? You don't have to do that to get to heaven, you know." My daughter is realizing that something is wrong and that it isn't normal for an aunt to want to discourage a vocation to religious life. We all went out to lunch and my daughter said, "OK, let's say grace." So we did. My sister, a Catholic, was so humiliated that we would say grace in public that she refused to say grace. She sat there, arms crossed and glared at all of us. (There was only one other family in the restaurant at the time, and they weren't watching us.) My daughter was shocked and offended.
Her visit lasted two days, and the morning she left I was gone for an appointment -- my children were with my mom and sister. When my mom came into the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee and chat with my sister and the kids, my sister snapped at her, "Mom, in case you didn't notice, I'm trying to have time alone with the kids!" My mom left the room crying. You can imagine how upset the kids were at the situation. Sadly, this whole scenario is the usual type of experience.
How do I handle this? It's not a normal person I'm dealing with, where I can set a few boundaries and move on. She doesn't accept or respect boundaries in any way. . .she's too angry and controlling for that. I'm starting to think I'm actually a bit afraid of her -- it wouldn't surprise me a bit if some day she reports me to DHS or something! I anticipate that she'll come back for another "visit" at Easter. Any advice. . .other than taking the kids somewhere else far away? Should I talk with my priest about handling family members who are mentally ill? My mom and I suspect that problems with OCPD run in our family.
Jen
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--JennyMaine, Mom to Catherine (17) and Sam (15) "The countenance is a reflection of the soul. You should always have a calm and serene countenance." -- Therese of Lisieux
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 5:32am | IP Logged
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This is truly a difficult situation for all of you.
Do you know ahead of time when she is coming to visit your mom? Maybe that's when you could have a lot of field trips scheduled.
In your description it does seem that she is unnaturally attached to your daughter. It also sounds like your daughter has a very good head on her shoulders!
I wish I did have some really good advice for you. You are in my prayers.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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aussieannie
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Joined: May 21 2006
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 5:50am | IP Logged
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Sounds as though you have a beautiful daughter!
I have no real advice for the situation but to say that your daughter may like to pray particularly for her aunty or make special sacrifices for her, as prayers of children are powerful, especially since your daughter already has wisdom for what is really happening here.
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Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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lapazfarm
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Joined: July 21 2005
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 8:38am | IP Logged
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It does sound as if there is something seriously wrong with your sister.
This is a difficult situation because if it were not a family member then it would be easy to say I wouldn't ever let this person around my child.
Since it is family, that makes it harder. But if there is any way to keep her away I would. She certainly is not a positive influence, undermining your parental authority and your daughter's very faith. Not good at all.
Have you ever flat-out told your sister that you don't like her behavior and if she keeps it up you will not allow her around your child again? I know you said you were intimidated by her, so that's why I ask.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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JennyMaine
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 9:12am | IP Logged
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Theresa, I have on one ot two occasions set that boundary and had no contact for several months at a time. For our own peace and protection, if I lived elsewhere at this time I would be really limiting our contact with her. It's been years since I've had hope of an improvement in our relationship, but the situation seems to be worsening -- as my mom put it "it used to be that walking on eggshells all the time was good enough to avoid a conflict with her, but that doesn't work anymore." Again, if she were a normal person you could be forceful and she would back off -- but that isn't the case. She gets a lot of pleasure out of conflict -- that's why I think it's truly OCPD.
I guess I'm at a loss as to what to do now. I try to be very polite and kind and extend forgiveness, although it is never asked for and there is never any reconciliation over a wrong. I just don't know how to handle this situation.
Jen
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--JennyMaine, Mom to Catherine (17) and Sam (15) "The countenance is a reflection of the soul. You should always have a calm and serene countenance." -- Therese of Lisieux
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Feb 10 2007 at 9:23am | IP Logged
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Oh, dear. That does sound like a very difficult spot to be in. Is there a mental health professional you could talk to for advice?
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Dealing with OCPD sister?
