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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 1:10pm | IP Logged
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I don't know if this is the right forum location, but here is my situation. I have a 5yo daughter who is very bright, funny, active, and more of everything (Yes, I've read, Raising Your Spirited Child  ) . My daughter is very quick to anger, yell's a lot, can get pretty physical, and argumentative. Obedience is often our focus. She simply "doesn't like it."
My husband and I are drained and I am due to have a baby any day. I am turning to all of you wonderful women to see if you have any advisable reading, exercises, words of wisdom, etc. for me. Reading about saints and having them to refer to is helpful for her, but when in the line of fire, it's difficult to get her to hear or "lock out", as my loving sister would say.
Something my daughter could maybe put her hands on or look at might be helpful. Some kind of daily work or prayer. Is there anything out there that just focuses on guiding anger, in child terms?
I'm desperate to try something new, because I have been feeling the frustration of loosing hope  ...not good.
Thank you!!!
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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guitarnan
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 1:46pm | IP Logged
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Jennifer,
I've been there, really and truly. We ended up getting some therapy for my son (at first because the school administrators insisted  , but later because he liked it and it helped) when he was about your dd's age. Even so, he still struggles with anger; he's just one of those really intense kids.
Your dd could probably use a couple of things, including regular exercise (get a lot of play-do or clay for her to pound and work with on rainy days), and lots and lots of words she can use to describe her feelings. I used a lot of the Berenstain Bears books...they really helped ds to understand about anger, fighting, bad dreams, strangers...all the things kids struggle with when they have more feelings than they have words to describe them.
My ds is a classic Spirited Kid. Kurcinka's book literally changed my life as a parent. In retrospect I think it was my first big step toward taking back control of my family and toward homeschooling.
My son's therapist from long ago has a website here. He has quite a few parenting newsletters under the "Newsletter" tab on the site (where else would they be, right?). I have a lot of respect for this man; he's really done a lot for children and families in the Tidewater Virginia area. Maybe some of his newsletters from the website will help in your situation, too.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Paula in MN
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 2:13pm | IP Logged
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Jennifer, I agree with Nancy about the regular exercise and the Berenstain Bears books. They helped my nephews alot. Sending up prayers for all of you.
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 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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Dawnie
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Hey Jennifer,
Would it help you to know that my 7yod is the same way? In fact, I recently posted a plea for help here.
For the past month or so, dh and I have been using 1-2-3 Magic (as described by Thomas Phelan in a book by the same name) with her. Well, she still has lots of problems w/ anger, but we are doing better. I am seeing some very small improvements, like that I usually don't have to hold the door to her room shut anymore when she goes to time-out there.
I think my daughter really *wants* to be good...she loves hearing about stories of the saints and reading the Bible. She often dresses up in her St. Margaret Mary costume and pretends to be a nun (she's always super-obedient, then ). But, boy, when I ask her to do something she really doesn't want to do, or if
I try to give her soem limits by sending her to time-out, she loses it at times. I've discovered that I have to be very proactive in managing her behavior. I have to make sure she eats regular, healthy meals, or she'll be in a bad mood b/c of low blood sugar. I have to make sure she gets enough rest and try not to ask her to do things when I know she's tired. I've learned that asking her to clean up her room at 8 or 9pm is not a good idea!  I'm trying to set up a schedule so that certain things *always* happen at certain times. That way there will be less spontaneous requests from me, demanding that she interrupt her play. I think it would be easier for her to obey requests to do chores and pick up if they were more predictable, kwim? But I'm finding that it's pretty hard to stick to a schedule w/ a new baby.
It's very frustrating to deal w/ her at times...I thought my parenting job would be getting easier, not harder with her. I'm having to accept now that she may *always* require more energy from me than my other children do and that she may *never* be an *easy* child.
I'm still very concerned about her angry outbursts, though, and I have an appointment to talk to a counselor who has helped me in the past. I'll let you know if she suggests anything that helps.
Dawn
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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 3:15pm | IP Logged
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Dawnie,
I just checked out your thread and it's awful to say but, misery loves company  ! I feel better just knowing that so many others are dealing with this. It's scary to see the ages of 9 & 10!!! I have to feel that this will pass or at least get more tolerable!
One book that I was reminded of was, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". I read this a few years back and remeber liking it. I will need to revisit.
I have a very hard time finding the time for reading. So, I'm desperate for other options, like using charts and crafts that won't need my full attention. I would love some faith based ideas, too.
I'm feeling better already  ! Thank you!
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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Jenn Sal
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 3:34pm | IP Logged
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I just orderd the If/Then Chart from titus2.com. With a baby due any day, having something tangible helps me think I'm doing something!
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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ALmom
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| Posted: Jan 30 2007 at 5:50pm | IP Logged
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I don't have a child with intense anger - but I was a child with these very things. I love the How to Talk book ...
A few things that helped me as a child - I really did need the security of knowing that my parents put a stop to my angry outbursts even when I was in a meltdown because of it. I really, really wanted to do what was right and tried so hard - then boom. I remember feeling so upset with myself and discouraged. Positive reinforcement for doing well was important - I often never saw this myself.
Looking back, I think what I needed to know was how to recognize the stress build up and proactively do something about it. I never knew as a child that it was OK to take a break, and I could drive myself right into overload meltdown before I even knew what was happening. Noise overload and no privacy and expectations above my abilities were things that triggered me now that I look back. Also, since I was particular (perfectionist), my school work often took a ridiculous amount of time and this became a huge stress for me. My dad and I would get in huge fights over math homework - until my dad would just refuse to help until I went to the movie. Keep an eye on work overload. Is there a place where your dd can decompress when things start to overwhelm - a quiet place where she can go to get away from this (We did this with one of ours when I recognized some of the same tendencies and the frustration build up - we were able to provide him with his own room temporarily and it really, really helped him). Sometimes you just don't see the battles the child wages and wins - because there isn't any let up and what we see is the explosion after hours of fighting to keep control.
Personally, I loved Little Woman - and so identified with JO and would cry every time I read certain things. Look at how JOs mom helped her dd - it is a great read aloud at some point for this situation.
Of course proactively making sure that food, sleep, exercise, leisure, mom's one on one time are all a part of her day in some predictable pattern are great ideas.
Janet
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Jenn Sal
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Janet,
Thank you for sharing your personal insight. That's one of my problems, I don't understand. I am more internal and sensitive. She is so "in your face". I didn't find it difficult to obey. She truly struggles.
When we do formal work, she is wonderful! I know it's because she get's my full attention. This will change when the baby comes. She adjusted very well when I had her brother. I pray she will rise to the occasion, again!
I will try to pay more attention to the build up. Maybe I'm missing something. I will talk to her about too. Thank you so much.
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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humanaevitae
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I have always had to deal with anger and so does my 7yo dd. When she erupts talking time is over and she is allowed to go to her room to cool down. When she is calm she may come out. Sometimes I talk to her again right away, sometimes there is still too much residual anger so she does some other activity to calm down before we talk.
I just received the book "Respectful Kids" by Todd Cartmell and have found it very helpful. It contains wonderful analogies, helpful dialogue, and concrete steps one can take. It addresses how to help kids deal with their emotions before they lose it.
http://www.amazon.com/Respectful-Kids-Complete-Guide-Bringin g/dp/1576839842/sr=8-2/qid=1170210776/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/103-67 23642-8960627?ie=UTF8&s=books
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Resources for 5yo w/ Anger
