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amyable
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I hesitate to post this - for fear of sounding whiny or uncharitable towards my family. Yet, I really need some advice.
Let me start off by saying I'm sure what is going on is more because of me and MY sin than anything my family is or isn't doing. (There, that takes care of the uncharitable, unless I'm simply being uncharitable to myself.  )
I've realized lately that I have a big martyr complex or something. Meaning that I feel very unappreciated and like I'm just the maid, and it is coming out as snippiness and anger towards my family. 
My dh, blessed man that he is, asked me "Well, what can I do to show that I appreciate you? What do you need from me?" (I tell you, he is a saint among men!  )
Here's the problem. I had NO IDEA.
Does anyone else struggle with this? Do you know anything that helps? How do you like to be shown that you are appreciated and loved?
Hmmm...I just realized that what in I wrote in that last line may be more true than I first thought. Maybe it's not that I don't feel appreciated, exactly, it's that I don't feel really loved.  Well, this may be an easier problem to solve than the "appreciated" thing which I don't really understand anyway.
Unfortunately, my examples growing up all played up the martyr thing big time. I don't have a good model to look at for a healthy mother-family relationship.
So sock it to me - show me my sin, help me get over this. My family thanks you!! 
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Becky Parker
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Amy,
I've been there. My husband asked the same thing - "what can I do for you" - I had the same answer - "I don't know". I do remember though, as a child, when I had the blues my mom would never dote on me. Instead she would say, "go make a list of all your blessings right now!". Well, on the rare times that I actually did that it helped a lot (I was usually so mad I just stomped off to my room feeling more sorry for myself).
I think, what it did (when I did as I was told) was help me not only to see that I was blessed but it also helped me to just take a minute and be with the Lord. And, when I was with the Lord, I wasn't thinking about me and my misery, I was thinking about Him and His generous love. It really did help, really. I have to remember that as an adult because I get into slumps a lot. I have to remember to take my eyes off of me for a while and put them on God. He lifts me up beyond my misery and true joy comes in.
Now, as I type this I know things like this are often hard to read when you have the blues. Please don't be mad at me. I just know that's the only thing that truly helps me.
Truth is, your husband and kids really do love you. They probably just don't think to thank you for all you do. Kids and husbands can be that way. But I guess I have to admit I'm that way too. How often I wish I had taken more time to thank the Lord for something!
Anyway, just my .02. Hope it helps a little.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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amyable
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Becky Parker wrote:
Now, as I type this I know things like this are often hard to read when you have the blues. Please don't be mad at me. I just know that's the only thing that truly helps me.
Truth is, your husband and kids really do love you. They probably just don't think to thank you for all you do. Kids and husbands can be that way. But I guess I have to admit I'm that way too. How often I wish I had taken more time to thank the Lord for something!
Anyway, just my .02. Hope it helps a little.
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No Becky, it didn't hurt - these are *exactly* the types of things I know I need to hear (and do). Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Truly, I don't expect my family to *say* thank you, etc, all the time, just act as if I matter. Little things like common courtesy, obedience, following the few little rules we have ...these things would make me feel appreciated by them (my kids, not my dh). Maybe it's my love language, maybe I'm just a control freak (maybe? )
And I do appreciate my blessings, I try to make a habit of thinking of them regularly. I think there is something important missing *on top of that* if that's possible. Or maybe I'm just not *truly* thankful. 
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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mary theresa
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Amy!
I'm so glad that other people feel like that too! (I guess my "misery loves company", eh?) There are some days that I feel so unappreciated for all the things I do -- and I tell myself I do SO much, right? And, same as you, when my husband asks what he could do, I say "I don't know." Or, worse I say, "I don't want to TELL you what to do, I want you to do it because you really appreciate me, not because you want me to feel like you appreciate me." How's that for female logic! It drives him crazy!
I think what Becky said was really good. It helps to get my thoughts off myself and think of others. Of course, self-pity is so easy to sink into for me and it seems to be a vicious circle, like "i've been working hard on this for so long, so I think I deserve xyz." Then if my husband doesn't show appreciation, then I get frustrated at him, which he doesn't deserve at all!
Anyways, this post isn't any help I know! Sorry Amy! I just read yours and identified with you so much. I know the struggle that it is to give of yourself to your family and esp. your kids over and over all day long and to try and do it simply because it is the right and intrinsically rewarding thing to do, not because you feel you would like something in return. Giving and not expecting a return is so Christ-like -- and I feel like I'll never reach that level of selflessness But, I try not to beat myself up about the desire for appreciation at the same time -- it's so human to want to be appreciated and loved for who we are and what we are giving. Jesus knows that we are human  and He appreciates us! So, go to Him. I sometimes try to imagine Him hugging me, or smiling at me and recognizing my efforts, even if no one else is listening or appreciating.
Though, honestly, the trouble is that my imagination never is good enough to make up for a real warm living body there! 
Thanks for your post Amy! I hope this helps a teeny bit -- knowing that this total stranger in cyber-space has the same struggles as you!
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Mary Theresa
mother to 3 little girls --March '06, Dec '07 and Jan '10
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Lisbet
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Amy,
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh. This is what has been revealed to me through much prayer over this very subject.
Don't look to 'feel' loved, and don't look to others to show how they appreciate you. Look only to Christ and His love for you. Let His love be suffcient.
This is written for me as much as, and probably more than, for anyone else...
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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stefoodie
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Amy, I don't know if this will help you, because in a lot of ways I can be a pretty shallow person.
I have my pity parties every now and then, when I think *I'm* doing everything. *I* don't get help, *I* don't get thanked, *I* don't get appreciated.
Prayer helps a lot. Reading (spiritual reading, like the Bible or mommy-friendly books or saint books) helps a lot. But you know what helps me most?
Two things: telling my hubby exactly how I feel. Starting off with, I know this is not the way things really ARE (because on my good days I KNOW in my heart I am getting help, I am appreciated and I am loved), just that it's my perception RIGHT NOW. Usually he understands, asks what he can do to help. Sometimes we go out for coffee. Sometimes we just cuddle and chat. Sometimes we watch TV together. Sometimes he calls the kids in, they have a talk, and the kids go all sweet on me and they hug me and kiss me and thank me profusely. Hey, I'm not above asking for what I need, when I'm in a "state of emergency" and need reassurance and some loving fast! Considering that this happens only 2-3 times a year, I think it's okay.
And then sometimes, sometimes, I just GO OUT AND SHOP (even though I hate shopping). Or just take a "day off" and go somewhere, "away from it all" (usually the grocery store, book store, library, or where there are teapots and china I can drool over). I'm *that* shallow. But you know what? It helps me. I often come back refreshed, and grateful for my family again. I think sometimes we just need to be by ourselves (just like our kids need to be by themselves, to ponder life and such) to bring things back into perspective. I find that when I stay home and do the martyr thing I continue to focus on me-me-me. When I go out or do something for myself, I always come back to how precious my family is -- usually when I go out, even if it's to shop, it's THEM I end up thinking about all the time.
I too have a lot of "martyrs" in my family, so it's hard to break the pattern. But maybe if you can take a break sometimes, do something that really makes YOU feel good, you won't feel so unappreciated or unloved. You have to love yourself too, you know.
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stef
mom to five
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amyable
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| Posted: Jan 10 2007 at 11:19am | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
Don't look to 'feel' loved, and don't look to others to show how they appreciate you. Look only to Christ and His love for you. Let His love be suffcient.
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I have heard this so many times, and I think I fail miserably in the application.
Having written and deleted several replies to this thread - I think I'm dealing with more than a messageboard can handle.
How does one find someone to help you through things like this? I have a few good IRL Catholic homeschooling friends who while they "get it" tend to just say "I hear ya" when I present something like this. I want someone willing to dig deep with me and help me come up with SOLUTIONS. I think only a Catholic open-to-life homeschooling mother who is also trying to become a saint would understand.
Thank you all for sharing and humoring me too. Guess I'll slink off and you can talk amongst yourselves.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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jdostalik
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Amy,
Prayers for you. I think sometimes these feelings (not to negate them AT ALL) can be hormonal. I know that lately I have been feeling a bit neglected (pregnancy hormones a-ragin') and unappreciated but deep down I really know that I am appreciated and loved by my family just like you are...cling to your crosses (and joys !) of motherhood and Christ himself (like Lisa said so wisely) and our Lord will help you to regain perspective. He always does that for me! Not much help I know, but you've got my prayers!! Love from a fellow struggler in this area...  
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God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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teachingmyown
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Amy,
Have you listened to Marie Bellet? She is a Catholic mother of 9 who just released her 4th CD. She really touches my soul, especially at times I am feeling down like you.
On her Lighten Up CD, she has a song that goes something like this:
"It's all work, no play, ay, yi, yi
I work all day, ay, yi, yi
It's I want, I need, ay, yi, yi
I hurt, I bleed.
And there's too much coffee and too much rush,
too much talking and too much fuss.
But even I can plainly see, in the middle of it all
Is too much me!"
Then on her new CD, there is a song about a woman who calls her best friend to complain, only to have the best friend say, "You haven't changed a bit. And if you don't mind my saying, that isn't always a good thing."
Ouch! Boy, did I feel like she could have been talking to me.
I say all this to let you know that we all get in our ruts, where we just don't "feel the Love" and get dissatisfied. And even when there is truth to what we are feeling, we are moms after all , it is really up to us to re-adjust and re-focus.
FWIW, I think Marie Bellet should be required listening for all of us moms. www.mariebellet.com
God bless you. Here's a big hug of appreciation.
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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JennGM
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Don't slink off, Amy!
It sounds like you just need some time off. Have dh show his appreciation by little things. Does he verbally praise you and thank you for your daily tasks? My dh is always thanking me for dinner, for cleaning, etc., both by his words and by gestures (hugs, kisses) in front of my son. He's witnessed, and now thanks me. Of course I have a long way where he'll help me do the job!
And what about Mother's Day/Night/a few hours out? MROL mentions that. You need some time to regroup, and dh giving you this time is showing his appreciation. You do all the cooking because of the allergies. You don't get a break there. If you could just get a holy hour or just a drive or walk around the block ALONE to say the rosary that might help.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Lisbet
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Amy, I'm sorry if I came across to harsh. Re-reading what I wrote I realize I almost sounded like I was saying "suck it up lady!" That is SO not what I ment!
I think all mothers, homeschooling one especially (then throw in taking care of ALOT of people) share your struggle. We do do SO much and most of it becomes taken for granted.
I wish I had more comforting words, or even better, a solution, but, all I have to offer is company. It has to be comforting to know your not alone, right?
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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mommylori
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I have been here but I had an anser to how I would feel more apprieciated.lol When I make a meal, don't complain about it, thank me and realize how hard I worked. When I clean a room, respect that and don't trash it in 2 seconds. When you can please pick up after yourself. And before you attack me in the morning with a long list of commands, tell me you love me.lol
When I ask for a little quiet time, don't scream and run around like monkeys, and if I finnally sit down to eat, don't ask me for a million things.lol Basicly follow the Golden Rule.lol
Now if I could only get everyone in my house to listen.lol I know how you feel though, at times I feel very unappreciated. But then when the baby, who seems to appreciate me the most, puts his little arms around me and gives me a goey ewey baby kiss, it seems to go away.lol Also when I want something I don't beat around the bush anymore.
I needed a day off, it was my first night ever with out children, since they had been born, so last weekend I called a B&B, my first time ever to stay in one, and booked it and then got the package I wanted.lol Then I gave dh the info, I did tell him this is what I wanted to do, and got his permission.lol But then he called to put some little things in the request. But I basicly got my romantic night off, and it was easy for dh.
I have also told dh that I am tired and need some flowers, so he will stop and grab some cheep flowers here and there. I don't make request alot, so it isn't a big deal, but I was always disapointed in not getting what I wanted and a much wiser older woman pulled me to the side and said, he can't read your mind.lol
As for the kids, I am teaching them the same things, say please thankyou and be patient.lol
But yes sometimes I feel like a maid or even a servant but not like the mother of the home.
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msclavel
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Lisbet wrote:
Don't look to 'feel' loved, and don't look to others to show how they appreciate you. Look only to Christ and His love for you. Let His love be suffcient.
This is written for me as much as, and probably more than, for anyone else... |
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Lisa, very powerful and just what I need to hear.
This is probably version 10 of a post. I've been pondering this since I read it this morning.
I was thinking of something Elizabeth said somewhere (blog I think) about her husband dying to himself every day as he traveled far from his home and slept far from his family in order to care for them. It made me stop and reflect on whether or not I truly appreciate the things my husband does. I think I fall into the trap of believing that the things he does are "easier" than what I do all day. DYKWIM? But I also know that, daily, every second of the day, my husband carries the knowledge of the 8 souls he is responsible for in his mind and heart. He carries this burden in a way that I, in my "busyness" don't have to.
As far as my kids are concerned...Well, my mother was stay-at-home. She did everything for us (4 siblings). We didn't really have any chores. Maybe, keep our room clean. I never heard her complain. Even now, she does not regret or complain about the way she cared for us and my father. I honestly have no clue how she did it . My husband had the complete opposite experience. He had a working mother, somewhat distant, not very maternal mother. He was burdened very young with not just chores (cleaning the whole house by himself at age 9)but almost and adult sense of responsibility for the welfare of the family (working in the family business, concern over finances). So we meet in the middle. He tempers my desire to do what my mother did with the reality of life in a large family.
Do I think my kids take me for granted or are unappreciative? Yes! I don't say that to be harsh or make them sound terrible. But they are kids, they don't always get it, the little ones are certainly self-centered. But I don't doubt that they love me.
And my DH, he often reminds me that he can be intensely stupid and even worse he is not psychic (the nerve) so if I need something I have to tell him. Of course, it would help him immensely if I could less of a woman about it and write it up in an easy to follow manual , but I think he would settle for anything beyond me usual "I don't know."
I fell like I'm not making sense, just blabbing, but I promise to hit Post Reply this time and get over my fear of posting.
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amyable
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I'm sorry if I sounded like anything anyone said had me slinking off into lurkerdom. Hardly!! Your words are so true and loving and it is exacty what I want to hear. That's what I mean about the average person not understasnding - most people if I presented them with my "woes" would either say, "Well, you had four kids, you got yourself into this mess" or along the lines of "Be selfish! Stop nursing! Let her cry! Get a job! Take lots of time away!" (not the little bit that was suggested)
But you ladies get it - that I *want* to grow in virtue. That I need to hear how I shoud die to self.
I wanted to slink off only because I opened a can of worms in my head (beautiful image, I know ) with thinking on these this morning - opening up lots of raw adoption and "growing up" wounds that are probably more than the scope of this message board.
Oh, and hormonal. It's my middle name! Middle of my second cycle since having my 20 month old and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. 
Thank you again, everyone. I'll be hear reading and posting, but trying not to focus on myself.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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mellyrose
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Amy, Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? In it, he talks about the different love languages that we all crave - and how we tend to "give" love how we ourselves would want to "receive" love, and not necessarily what our loved ones recognize or need. So, even though someone loves us and is showing it (in their way) we may not recognize it bc it's not one of our primary ways of recognizing it.
I loaned out my book, so I can't verify, but I'm pretty sure the 5 "languages" are: Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts and Quality Time. Each of us respond best to one of those - even though we may enjoy all of them.
When we used to do pre-cana programs, we would talk about this concept, and how it was important to find out and acknowledge what we wanted, and also our mates.
In my family, gifts are a big one -- but NOT in DH's family. That was a bit of a hurdle to overcome.
DH's primary love language is Words of Affirmation, and I've had to really work on being aware of that and striving to meet his needs. His 2nd is probably a tie for Physical Touch and Quality Time. For me, it's Quality Time and then Acts of Service.
It has really helped us meet each other's needs by having a better understanding of what those needs are.
It might be a book to borrow from the library?
Melanie
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amyable
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Thank you Molly for suggesting Marie Bellet. I have been thinking of getting one of her CDs for a long time. Maybe I should ask for one for my upcoming birthday.
mommylori wrote:
When I make a meal, don't complain about it, thank me and realize how hard I worked. When I clean a room, respect that and don't trash it in 2 seconds. When you can please pick up after yourself. And before you attack me in the morning with a long list of commands, tell me you love me.lol
When I ask for a little quiet time, don't scream and run around like monkeys, and if I finnally sit down to eat, don't ask me for a million things.lol Basicly follow the Golden Rule.lol |
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Lori, I'm ROFL with this, because this is *exactly* it. This is how I feel. And I'm so far from getting it, it makes me cry. Thank you for putting it to me so humorously.
msclavel wrote:
I was thinking of something Elizabeth said somewhere (blog I think) about her husband dying to himself every day as he traveled far from his home and slept far from his family in order to care for them. It made me stop and reflect on whether or not I truly appreciate the things my husband does. I think I fall into the trap of believing that the things he does are "easier" than what I do all day.
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I hope this doesn't sound horrible - but my dh would be the first to admit that his job is much easier than mine right now. (Well, maybe *right now* we are more equal as he is learning a new position...but in general, no). He was home sick yesterday and hid in the bedroom to let us go on with our day and to not re-infect the little ones. So he was able to get an "earful" of what a homeschool day is REALLY like in our house. I went in to ask him if he needed anything, and he said, "Is this what it's always like here on a school day?" with his eyes wide with something akin to horror. Um, yes!
Uh oh, gotta go - more later.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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KellyJ
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Amy, could you take some time to think about what makes you feel loved by your husband (and perhaps later what makes you feel by your children)? Whether you come up with one thing or 20, it may be a start to answering your husband's question of how he can help, which sounds like it will be in the form of loving you in ways that are meaningful to you.
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KellyJ
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JodieLyn
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I was going to suggest what Melanie posted.. though I don't know the book. But.. the things you do to make others feel loved and appreciated are likely the very things you would want to recieve yourself.
And sometimes you do just need to "escape".. not talking hours or planned out in advance.. last night I "ran away" and walked around a store for about 30 min. I was home again and been gone less than 45 min. And felt so much better for the break. Another way to get that time without dh to spell me is to sit out on the deck (when I wouldn't freeze to death doing so) after the kids are in bed.
The funny thing about "who works harder" here is that my dh is a firefighter.. so it goes back and forth there are times he works harder and times I work harder.. and he KNOWS how bad my day is when I offer to trade regardless of what he might have been doing
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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JennGM
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JodieLyn wrote:
| I was going to suggest what Melanie posted.. though I don't know the book. But.. the things you do to make others feel loved and appreciated are likely the very things you would want to recieve yourself. |
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Yes, I was going to do the same. What's your love languages, Amy? And your dh's? Ask for concrete ways through your love language...
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Natalia
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I was going to suggest the Five Love Languages. I really found that book helpful.
I have struggled with those feelings a lot,especially in the last year. For me it was hormonal. My cycles are changing as I get older and I was (or should I say we were  ) in hormone h*ll for a while. I started taking Evening Primrose oil and vit B and both helped inmensely. But I don't think that hormones cause you to feel a certain way. I think they uncovered what was already there. For me I discovered that behind those feelings of not being appreciated there was an underlying insecurity. More that appreciation I needed affirmation. I needed to hear that I was doing a good job and that was good mother. I needed to hear that even though I was being difficult to live with, I was still loved. The force of the feelings took me completely by surprise.
I think that helped me through was my adoration hour and being able to verbalized (either in writing or talking) my feelings to my dh. Also I found the book The Hidden Power of Kindess extremely helpful.
Even though I do think that my feelings were blown out of proportion I do think that all of us in my family need to be reminded of how powerful little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness can be. I was talking to the kids about it this very morning. I am planning on having them freewrite ( a la Bravewriter) about acts of kindness that they can do for other members of the family and acts of kindness that would make them feel loved and appreciated. Then I think I am going to post a list on our "fridgeschooling" board so that we can be reminded of concrete things we could do each day to show our love and appreciation. I might even get my dh to freewrite also
Natalia
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Being appreciated
