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AnaB
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 12:25pm | IP Logged
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Hi Ladies,
I've been so happy and grateful that so many of you have given birth safely and are doing well. Like the post about remembering, I've been remember our little Baby Blessing who I miscarried in June. His due date was Jan 4, but all of my babies come 2 weeks early so that would have put arrival date at Christmas. I have two other December children, so my warmest memories of Christmas involve snuggling and nursing babies.
I see now, the LORD's wisdom in taking this little one home. From the beginning I had some bad health signs. I think my own health would have been seriously at risk (I'm thinking with my nurse cap on). We've had such a year with dh in the hospital twice for his heart, my mom having emergency surgery, my elderly aunt of whom I was a caretaker of, go into surgery, hospice, and pass away, the remodeling being done to the house (almost 3 months now without a kitchen) and all the allergens and fumes we've been exposed to in the process. I see that it would have been very hard for me to be pregnant through all this since I get soo sick with my pregnancies.
I want the Lord to do HIS will in my life, over my own. I know that His ways are higher and different than my own. I don't want Him to leave me to myself. HE knows what's best for us. But yet the ache is still there. That void is still there.
If you would see how I struggle to deal with the children I already have, you'd think I'd be nuts to yearn for more. Why can't I love my children the same way I love them when they are babies. A friend of mine said that loving babies comes naturally to us (God even gave us hormones to help us and alot of skin to skin contact to encourage bonding). But it is hard to show or "feel" that same type of love for my big kids. Don't get me wrong, I would give my life for my children, but I know I'm not as gentle, affectionate or patient with them as I am with a little baby.
Right now, my dh is not ready for more children. I accept that. I can't change that right now. I pray about it alot.
Another friend said that the ache never goes away, is that true? Is that longing to hold the child I never got to hold ever going to lessen even if we have another one?
I often have unrealistic or incorrect expectations which get me into such trouble. I'm trying to have right thinking about this so that I can cope better. My sil lost a pregnancy a few months ago, but it was so different. She says she never really wanted to be pregnant anyways but was open for my brother's sake. She was almost relieved by the miscarriage. This just breaks my heart.
When I refer to our miscarriage (at 11 weeks), people look at me as if I was a psycho or something to be struggling with my emotions about it still. So, I come here. I know there are many with the same ache this Christmas time. May this ache cause us to live for heaven all the more.
I look forward to hearing your experiences and give me a more realistic perspective on this. Many Thanks!
__________________
His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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Bridget
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 12:36pm | IP Logged
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I'm sorry, honey, the ache never goes away. It dulls a little, but never goes away. It was your child after all.
God wants us to surrender to Him and trust Him. Someday maybe He will reveal to us how all the ups and downs and tangled ends of our lives made sense in the big picture. For right now, all we can do is cling to Him.
I'm right there with you.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Lisbet
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Ana, Your baby was your baby, you love that baby just like you love the ones you can touch and talk to here now. Of course you miss that little one, and you always will. The ache will go away one day when you are reunited with that babe in His Kingdom.
That easy loving babies is kind of like that honeymoon phase with our spouses. That's the easy kind of love, the kind we feel, the kind where the smile crosses our face without any effort on our part. The real nitty gritty of love comes after that, when we work at being kind, when self-giving becomes an act of sacrifice, when sometimes a simple smile takes every ounce of will we can muster. It's easy to see Our Loving Lord in an innocent little chubby baby, but when it's a misbehaving adolescent, or a disobdient child, it's hard to see Christ in them.
Will the ache lessen if you have another baby? Well, maybe, maybe not. For me, it comes in waves. The ache does lessen over time, and it really helps for me to realize that those babies are not gone, that those babies are immortal!! How WONDERFUL!!
Your not psycho at all, those that think you are have hardened hearts, pray for those with that sort of attitude. Also pray for all parents that have grieved the loss of a baby, and we can all be united in prayer. I know that is a great comfort to me.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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I don't think it ever goes away. At least it has not for me. But it does change over time into something more bearable.
I understand also how it is hard for you to see all these new beautiful babies. Though we feel joy for our dear friends and rejoice in their happiness, there is a certain longing from deep within that wells up every time I see a newborn, knowing that I will never have another of my own. My brother in law's first baby was born this week and I broke down and cried when I heard the news. Tears of joy, tears of sorrow. Such mixed emotions!
But I know that God has plans for me and greater plans still for those children I already have. As others have said, loving a baby is easy. Getting our children to heaven? That's the challenge, isn't it?
May Our Lady, who knows our pain, comfort you in this time of sorrow.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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JennGM
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 12:59pm | IP Logged
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Ana,
The ache doesn't go away, just changes somewhat over time so it isn't stabbing pain. Just what Theresa said it's such a mixed bag of emotions. I love babies, I love pregnant moms, I love the birth stories, I love it all. But while I rejoice at all the news and cuddle and kiss and coo over my nieces and nephews and friends' babies there is a little ache and longing for my own, and sadness at the loss of my two babies.
The tears come at surprising and unexpected times. I have only one child, and while we prepared for his birthday and now Christmas the ache of realizing it might only be one child for us hurt. And I chastised myself for even having these feelings -- I have one blessing, be thankful!
And the blessing of the Holy Babe at Bethlehem brings the tears...remembering the joy of my own motherhood, and the sadness that I may not experience it again.
Hugs to you Ana.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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MaryM
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Prayers for you Ana, and all mothers who have lost a baby - especially those this year.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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momwats8
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I don't think it should go away. It is your little baby that is gone to be with our Lord. Even my children still ache for all of our losses. They love those babies and always count them when they say how many kids we have. They will tell people weh have twelve - 8 here and 4 in heaven. It hurts and you should take the time to feel these feelings.
I am also with you with feeling that I am not the parent to my kids I should be or that I was when they were little. I think I am a nut for wanting more when I am so demanding and impatient. I even think that God is nuts sometimes to keep sending them to me. I think He got the wrong Mary at times. Then I remember that He chose me to be the parent of these wonderful blessings. I also think He is using these trials and tribulations with my kids to help me to be the person he wants me to be. I will pray for you and offer up my bad moments for you.
I am so feeling for you and please know you are loved and understood.
__________________
Mary- Wife to Mike and Mother to Austin(92), Mikey(95), R.J.(97), Benedict(98), Kolbe(00), Ignatius(02), Christian(03), Margaret(05),&4 angels in heaven
http://www.momwats8.blogspot.com
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hylabrook1
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Ana -
I, too, can really understand those aching feelings. Ten years after my first miscarriage, when I was the mother of 5 living children, I met a 10 year old girl who had been born on my first due date (same year and all). I had to turn and walk away because I started crying at the thought that she and my little one were probably conceived around the same time. And I had conceived my 2nd/1st living just a few weeks after losing the first, as well as having birthed 4 others, but it still reminded me of my loss, I still felt that emptiness. Sure, some people would view that as *psycho*, but as you and I and so many other ladies here know, it is an honest response to a real loss of a child we loved. The same sort of thing happened when the wife of my husband's co-worker gave birth on the due date for the next little one we'd lost. DH casually remarked at the dinner table that so-and-so's wife had had a baby that day, and I just burst into tears and had to leave the table. Again, not psycho, just honest mourning.
So, I agree, the ache dulls and then there are times it is quite raw, but that baby that went to heaven at such a young age remains our child and we continue to love.
Peace,
Nancy
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Elizabeth
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Nope. Never goes away. I lost a little one who was due this time of year as well and I'm still marking time in terms of the birthday that wasn't. God love you, Ana. Be consoled in knowing you are not alone. My our lady wrap you in her mantle and let you have a good cry.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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AnaB
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 4:32pm | IP Logged
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Oh my. You all have brought such tears to my eyes with your kindness. I think somehow I was feeling that having another baby would not replace Baby Blessing, but really lessen the pain. I didn't realize it's just part of losing a baby and living with it. I really appreciated hearing from you too, Elizabeth and your experience. Your baby is just precious. So is Lissa's and Alice's. I visit all those blogs daily. I've tried to keep all the expectant mothers in my prayers as well as all of you who have lost babies this year. It seemed like so many to me.
Yes, the tears seem to spring up at the most unexpected times! I was hanging some clothes in my closet and found a few maternity tops hanging there. A friend mentioned she had a doctor's appt. on the baby's due date. In my bathroom linen closet I found some nursing pads. I also found the wrapper for yet another negative pregnancy test. I held a week old baby on Sunday at church and I was so clumsy! I haven't held a newborn for 3 years probably. I didn't want to ever lose that familiarity of holding babies.
Thank you for understanding. This is the only place I've been to where people understand. My minister's wife has had 5 miscarriages and the last one was at 5 months. It was her last pregnancy. She is very understanding and sympathetic. I'm grateful for that, because not even my mom really understands.
Thank you, thank you for your words. I want to print these responses out and keep them with my little memories book.
May the peace of Emmanuel truly be with us and truly be our comfort this season!
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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AnaB
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Jenn,
I will especially keep you in my prayers. I love your blog too. I pray that God will fill in the emptiness with more of Himself.
Much Love!
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His By Grace, AnaB blessed WIFE to Jeff and mama to 4 blessings!
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Willa
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You're certainly not a psycho. The mothers who take time to mourn their lost ones are some of the strongest and most wonderful, loving women I know.
I lost my twins during this season, though we didn't find out they were gone till early January. It still hits me really hard this time of year. And that was 9 years ago. I'm with ya though in rejoicing for these dear women who have newborns to snuggle; God is very good and it is a blessing to share in their blessing.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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wifemommy
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Time helps to see the big picture and at least for me to trust that God knows what he is doing. We gained a second angel the day after Thanksgiving this year someday I will hold them again....though to be honest the newborn baby at church made me cry happy for them jealous for me..... Prayers for you and your family Annie
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Cay Gibson
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I think time does dull the ache but it's always a part of who you are. And the memory certainly never goes away.
Dec. 5th is one date I always look at tenderly. This year, as we were wishing Angie a very happy birthday, I realized what a blessing it was to be able to wish someone HB since our own little one isn't here to receive it. It took me 14 years to realize that it helps to extend the blessing. It helps the healing process.
Many (((HUGS))) to you.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Cheryl M.
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Ana - I don't think the ache ever goes away completely but for me it has lessened with time and age. I've also gotten very busy with my teenage boys and my preteen girl. My husband and I have been married 21 years - open to life 21 years - and have three living children - seems like such a small number compared to other "open to life" couples. We've also experienced two miscarriages. Mostly we've struggled with secondary infertility for years. God in His infinite Wisdom, Mercy, and Grace has helped me to be grateful and content with my three gifts of life. It has taken a long time for me to feel at peace reading about these mommas having these beautiful babies and not getting jealous or angry because I haven't. Prayers for you, sweetie.
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kristina
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Dear Ana,
How timely that you would post this today. I was chatting with someone tonight and in our conversation I said, "When I lost our baby.." and as the words flowed out of my mouth, I was suddenly overwhelmed with grief and could not hold back emotion. I am not comfortable crying in front of others. I thought I had already moved through emotional grieving, but I realized that I had been ignoring or suppressing my feelings for the past several weeks and saying those words out loud just seemed to bring it all back.. and the tears flow again as I write them. I cannot answer whether the pain lessons, but I suppose it seems to numb a bit overtime. Yet, as you shared Ana, any small reminder can bring on a wave of grief for the little one whom our heart still aches for.
The first child we lost this year would have been born in August. There was one week where I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was emotional and moody. I finally recognized that my arms were aching to hold our baby. I guess we just need to grieve, pray and await that joyous day when our family is complete in eternity.
Thank you, Ana, for sharing your heart here. I am so sorry for your loss. Also, to the rest of the 4RealMoms who find their hearts heavy at this time of year, count on my prayers for all of you.
Blessings,
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kristina
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Leonie
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It doesn't go away - it just feels different with time. Each miscarriage has carved a little niche in my heart, and brought me to rely even more on God.
I will pray for you Ana.
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Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
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Lisa R
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No, the ache never goes away. And it can hit you at the oddest times. Time does help the healing. Cry when you need to. That helps, too.
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Does the ache ever go away?
