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fsuadamson
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 10:18am | IP Logged
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I'm in need of some comforting guidance this morning. Last night I was speaking to my mother and she learned through the conversation that I was expecting #6. After number four the negative and judgemental comments are just one of the crosses I have come to expect....
Now, what I was intially hoping for was that she would read about the new addition on my blog and deal with her issues at home before we spoke about it on the phone, but alas she has not been reading my blog and the news hit her like a brick.
On a logical side I know that her painfully critical comments come from a different world view but on the emotional side they still STING!!  Just by the mere fact that I have a larger family it is not unusual to hear the occassional judgemental comments from strangers, and those don't typically bother me but it is a completely different story when it comes from my family. For crying out loud I'm almost 40 yrs old, expecting #6 and I still can't let go of the sting from my mother's horrible words!! 
I know in God's eyes I am doing His will and this should be comfort enough! Outside of prayer, which believe me all night and morning I have been praying and trying to offer up the pain, why can't I let go of that pain?
How do you handle it?
__________________
Leslie
dh Dave; dd19; dd17; ds14; dd12; ds9; dd7
Knotty Pines Academy
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Rebecca
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 10:28am | IP Logged
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Leslie,
I am sorry that you are feeling the hurt from your mother's words. My own mother reacted similarly to each and every pregnancy I have had, even the first! I do not have any advice for you, only prayers, because I am strongly influenced to this day, by whatever my mother says. I still want to please her, the same way I did when I was a little child.
I will wait along with you to read the good advice of the wise woman who have overcome this difficult situation.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I am so happy for you and will pray for your little blessing!
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Tina P.
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 10:37am | IP Logged
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fsuadamson wrote:
I'm in need of some comforting guidance this morning. On a logical side I know that her painfully critical comments come from a different world view but on the emotional side they still STING!! Just by the mere fact that I have a larger family it is not unusual to hear the occassional judgemental comments from strangers, and those don't typically bother me but it is a completely different story when it comes from my family. For crying out loud I'm almost 40 yrs old, expecting #6 and I still can't let go of the sting from my mother's horrible words!!
I know in God's eyes I am doing His will and this should be comfort enough! Outside of prayer, which believe me all night and morning I have been praying and trying to offer up the pain, why can't I let go of that pain?
How do you handle it? |
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Oh Leslie! 
You hit the nail on the head when you said that from a stranger the comments don't bother you. It's because it's your mother who's close to you and whose approval you're wanting, yes, even at almost 40. If you are doing God's will, that should be enough. It rarely ever is for us mere humans, but if we are striving toward sainthood, God's love and acceptance should be all we need.
When I told my mother I was expecting #7 at 37, she asked how old I was (you have to understand I'm #6 and have not lived around my mom and dad for at least 14 years). I told her and she said, "You know, you're getting kind of old for this." She tries not to be judgmental or accusatory, but she had a Downs Syndrome child at 42. I suppose in her eyes, she's trying to protect me from the years of worry and heartache she's been through. My sister first learned to walk at 4 years old. She has had several eye operations and more than one (though I don't remember how many) open heart surgeries in her young life. The average life of a DS person is 40. My mom and dad could outlive my youngest sister! My mom is trying to look out for my best interest. After a few days of mulling over what she said, I came to see that. Perhaps, in a sort of unusual way, yours is too?
Congratulations on your pregnancy! We will be praying for peace of heart, peace between you and your family, and a healthy pregnancy and baby.
God bless,
__________________
Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
Mary's Muse
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Lisbet
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 10:51am | IP Logged
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Leslie, I am so sorry. I know the hurt all too well. I have come to realize though, that my mother is just worried about me, my health, and my sanity. She does not understand our lifestyle and the choices we make, but she loves me and loves our children. All I can do is be a joyful witness to her. I would love to hear a congratulations from her though, just once! :) I know it hurts. I'm sorry!
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 11:06am | IP Logged
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Leslie, God's blessings upon you and the new life you are carrying! I don't know if this will help you at all, but I had similar hurts and struggles while carrying our fifth child at age forty. There were several major family issues going on all throughout that pregnancy, but those times actually enabled me to distance myself from my mother enough to see that her hurtful remarks and actions came from her own struggles and pain. I have since learned that I do not need to carry the burdens of my extended family or allow them to hurt my own family. I have been able to maintain the relationship with my mother, but have learned to set healthy boundaries with her. Rather than allowing her hurtful remarks to sting, I let them roll off as I pray for emotional and spiritual healing for her, and others like her, who knowingly or unknowingly, inflict their own pain or fears on others. Try, if you can, to focus your attention on your own dear family and the precious life God is blessing you with, and turn your hurt into continued prayer for your mother. A wound still hurts, even when we offer it up in prayer for another, but we are better able to bear the pain when we offer it as a gift to the Lord for the good of another! You have two very special gifts for the Christchild this Christmas, the new babe you and your husband have conceived in love, and an offering of your sadness, given in love, for your mother. May your entire pregnancy be kissed with God's comfort and peace, even in the midst of sorrow or pain.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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1floridamom
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 11:14am | IP Logged
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Handle it?! I don't think that I have.  Seriously, I know what you must be feeling, because I made my kids tell my mom and dad about my latest baby (#5). Thankfully, they were both on the phone at the same time, and the family dynamics are such that my mom put on a good show...for a little bit. My dad isn't Catholic, so she always likes to sort of play the nice Catholic in front of him. I have a hard time, too, because I realize that I might not be handling it as well as I could because of the hormones rushing through me to help bring the new little one to the world.
Each time we've been expecting, we have been ecstatic. The kind comments from friends and strangers have been very uplifting for me. It doesn't seem to matter whether the negative comments are from family or strangers, they hurt me to the quick! I have been trying very hard with each pregnancy to pray for the grace to handle the negative comments well. I have prayed for the people who make the comments, including my mom. I try to remember that she grew up in a different time and is in her well-to-do retirement growing more materialistic every day, because she is so unhappy. I don't know where your mom is coming from, but my thoughts turn to society at large when this happens. I try to pray for all of the people who are suffering with this thinking because they have grown up in an "All About Me" world.
Truthfully, you might need to cry once in a while. I can't tell you that any of this makes the pain go away, but it helps me to refocus my energy a little bit. My poor dh tells me all the time to let it go, but that is so much easier said than done!
Blessings,
Monica in FL
with one loving dh and 5 great dc
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 11:30am | IP Logged
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I am 42 and pregnant with #5. My mom loves her grandchildren and up until now has only been positive about them. This time however she was WAY LESS than excited. I decided it was because she was worried about me, but then, through a conversation I had with her regarding my sil's I learned that it is more than that. She told me about how 2 of my sil's think I have way more children than I "need" (I don't know if I should put a LOL icon here or a crying one!!)as if it is any of their business. But through this conversation I realized that she is concerned about the peace in our family. We have all gotten along quite well but now we have this division because "Becky is so off in left field" - homeschooling, 5 kids, having a baby at 42 etc. I think there are more of us left-fielders than they know about! Anyway, that's her worry. I guess it is a choice they are making though. All I can do is try to love them anyway. This is the hard part - loving when it hurts so much. But I know Jesus and Mary can help us with this as they call us to it. We just need to be in constant prayer. I will pray for you!
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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kjohnson
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 11:48am | IP Logged
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I have finally come to the point that I am no longer upset by my mother's negative comments about our family size. By God's grace I realized that her worldview is very different than mine and she is only saying those things out of concern for her daughter who she loves very much. Some people show concern in negative ways, but I know from the bottom of my heart that her concern is for my health and general well-being. Since she has had no experience in raising a larger family, she can't relate and is not able to offer the support I need.
We always have to keep in mind that the openness to life that we have embraced is a special grace-a gift from God. We didn't figure this out on our own, there is no way we could have accepted it without the assistance of God's loving grace, and we would not have the desire or ability to live out this vocation without the constant help of grace. I have found that fighting back or preparing yourself with clever come backs only further hardens the heart of the other person and increases the sin of pride in myself.
I used to be saddened and hurt by the comments, but now instead of getting angry I offer up a prayer of thanksgiving that God has been so loving and merciful in giving me the gift of understanding this beautiful teaching of our Church. I pray that He will share it with my dear mother as well (and anyone else who offers rude or inappropriate comments).I think that's the answer to letting go of the pain. Realizing that you've been given a gift that someone else who you love has not. It turns the pain into a prayer of mercy...it's a different kind of pain, but it is no longer centered on ourselves but on the other.
I'm so sorry you were hurt, Leslie. I know exactly how you feel and you are in my prayers. Congratulations on your newest blessing. 
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In Christ,
Katherine
Wife to Doug and Mother of 6
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Paula in MN
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I never heard any comments about the size of my family as I only have three children and am unable to have any more .
However, at the ripe old age of 40 I was pregnant with my one and only son and my grown daughter was pregnant at the same time!!! That is when I started hearing comments, from family members, from friends and neighbors, grocery store cashiers, the list goes on.
I chose to ignore them. We all have our own crosses to bear, and if it makes it easier for them to bear their cross by belittling my choices of LIFE, so be it.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I am praying for you.
p.s CONGRATULATIONS!
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Paula
A Catholic Harvest
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 2:17pm | IP Logged
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Dear Leslie -
Wouldn't it be wonderful if our mothers could just calm down and share our joy?
I know my own mother was one of those *liberated ahead of her time* types. She worked part-time from when I was 3 and full time from when I entered first grade (I am the younger of two). Apparently *she* had figured out how not to be *tied down* with a houseful of children. Then here I come -- born in the age of women's liberation, a college graduate, a lawyer nontheless, and I chose to *chuck it all* and be a sahm with 6 children. To her I think it's a slap in the face. It suggests that I implicitly disagree with the choices she made. Well, I guess I do, but I'm not trying to fight with her about it. Still, I think it bothers her and makes it difficult for her to respect my choice.
This may very well not be the dynamic between your mother and you, but I do think that to an extent our moms would feel better if we did things more *their* way; often when we make other choices, they feel judged, even when we don't mean it as a judgment, but just as our personal choice, kwim?
I am very happy for you that you are going to have another baby! It's a joyous and wonderful thing!
Peace,
Nancy
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fsuadamson
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| Posted: Dec 14 2006 at 2:27pm | IP Logged
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Thank you so much ladies!! Just knowing that I am not alone has really helped numb the sting. I really needed this comfort today.
Thank you for helping me look at my mother's concerns from a different perspective. Right now I am battling this horrible all day pregnancy sickness  so it has been difficult looking outside of myself lately.
Your comment Katherine about this "openness to life that we have embraced is a special grace-a gift from God" at first made me think well if this is a gift from God shouldn't it be smooth riding? Then I thought about St. Faustina, St. Therese or St. Teresa of Avila and all the horrible negative judgements they had to endure when God graced them with special gifts, and still through those bad times they were able to thank God for their gifts and turn those nasty situations into prayers of mercy for the offenders. You have given me much to be grateful about today!! I will be praying hard for my mother's soul.
Again thank you for all "yawls" support and words of comfort and wisdom!
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Leslie
dh Dave; dd19; dd17; ds14; dd12; ds9; dd7
Knotty Pines Academy
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JodieLyn
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Have you considered letting your mother know that she hurt you?
also consider if she's feeling "judged" by you for her choices that were different.. people do tend to lash out when they feel like they're belittled. So you might reassure her on that.. that you're not judging her.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Sarah
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| Posted: Dec 15 2006 at 9:30am | IP Logged
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Leslie-
I don't handle it well either. From #3 on I've had the same thing with my mother. It really hurts. I only hope I can be a more supportive mother to my children. I've really needed my mother at times in my life and she wasn't there and not only was she not there she was the voice of disapproval and hurt. Its hard.
PS I'm also expecting #6 
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How do you let go of the sting?
