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Michaela
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Just a little vent.
My family with three children seems to be too large to be invited for dinners out with my extended family.
My mom is taking my niece out tonight for her birthday and everyone in the family (both of my brothers & mom's boyfriend) have been invited except us.  Goodness knows that if a family of five is too big, when this baby comes, or any future blessings, we can forget anything. 
I'm more surprised than hurt. My mom just called to tell me she invited both my brother's (one brother is bringing his dd) and she'll pay because they don't have money. That kinda gave me the hint it's a money issue.
I'm more than willing to pay for my own family, but would rather be invited before suggesting it. We weren't invited, so I feel it's not my place to suggest that if there's room we'd pay our own way.
I noticed dinner invitations to my mom's have become non-existent for us also, but hear how my brothers both went.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Anyone ever experience issues with invitations (dinner, friends b-day, ect.) once your family grew in number?
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Michaela
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Elizabeth
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My entire extended family is at my cousin's wedding recption as I write. We coudln't have made the trip to NY anyway (I'm still not up to that kind of travel), but my infant was the only one of my children invited...
My sister has two children. They are both there.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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My husband's closest brother didn't invite any of us with children to his second wedding. I'm still quite hurt by it as he and my husband had always been very close (only 9 months apart in age) and dh was best man at his first wedding. But all family members of his new wife were invited as were the bachelor brother and his parents.
Maybe I'm over-reacting but I must admit that I'm still getting over the hurt. 
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Erin
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Michaela
Have you thought of discussing this with your mum, maybe it would be a good idea to bring it out into the open rather than stew over it. I know I would not only be stewing I would boil over  The issue isn;t going to go away but will only continue, perhaps if you share with your mum how hurt you are (and rightly so) you may find she hasn't stopped to realise how you would feel.
The whole idea of not inviting children to weddings really makes me steam My sil and bil didn't invite any children to their wedding and I was so mad. I travelled hundreds of miles to attend and had no one to leave my littlies with (as all known rellies were at the wedding) I thought it so inconsiderate, in the end I left them with dh's cousin who they didn;t know and I had never left them before. I invited lots of children to my wedding they were the life of the party dancing the night away 
I appreciate that money is often the issue, but you know I bet many parents would be willing to pay for their children if that was the case. I know I would, I'd understand. It's being given the choice.
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Martha
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Okay... here I go into the deep end again.
There were no children at my wedding, not even a flower girl. (Although I did provide a nursery.) And this is not anywhere near a new custom. Many times through out history this was the norm and for many cultures/families it still is. I did it for those reasons and because my db's daughter was and is a terror. There's not a polite way to invite a cousin's kids and not your brother's. I also wanted a formal, but small, quiet wedding. Total invitations sent out was only 75.
We are almost never invited to family events. Simply put, we are a crowd all by ourselves and many people don't want a crowd at all. Much less in addition to other invitees. We are well used to our dc, but many people these days are nervous and jitterry around children. We live in a segregated society. They are not accustomed to being out-numbered by little people. :)
As for money, it is a factor to be considered. If we are invited, we offer to pay our share if we can or politely decline with no hard feelings. It is upsetting to have others assume we can't pay (even if true) because for some occassions we would try to sacrifice and find a way to go.
Micheala, I agree it sounds as though this might have been a money issue and your mother just fumbled the ball on this. She should have just stated clearly that she couldn't afford to pay for anyone else and asked if you still wanted to come. I can see how she may have been uncomfortable doing that and you felt uncomfortable feeling like you were inviting yourself unwanted. I'd talk to her.
Also, most children these days are not expected to behave for any length of time and never seem to eat at nice resturants or at a table even. Many adults assume dc shouldn't go for this reason. My own children rarely eat fast food. If we go out it is almost always to a very nice resturant. We were never invited until after we invited my in-laws to go with us. They were amazed at how well the children behaved and now we are usually not invited because of the numbers, not because of the kids themselves. It can be hard to find a table to sit just us, much less 10 more!
I don't think it's inconsiderate when others don't accomodate my children. My children are my responsibility. However, I do expect them to understand that not permitting my children may mean that I can't attend. I've missed funerals, weddings, and such for this reason. No hard feelings as far as I know. If they permit the baby, I give good credit and assume they hope my dh or others here can watch the other children, but understand if I can't.
It does stink to sit at home when you feel like you're missing all the fun though. 
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Michaela
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Yes, my mother and I do need to talk. This is going to be something I will hear about. Even if she held it inside, my niece may not understand why I didn't come.
I'm good enough to drop off a gift today, but not come for the celebration.
I just wanted to clarify myself that the problem isn't when someone doesn't want ANY children at wedding or party. The issue I'm dealing with is when other families w/ children (one or two) are invited, but mine isn't.
Around here, having three or more is VERY unusual. Like I mentioned, my brother & his daughter were invited.
It probably wouldn't even bother me if it was friends doing this to me, but it has only happened with close family....my mom.
Oh well, I'm just recognizing a different treatment & realizing this is the way it's going to be. It's not going to get any better because I want more children. I just have to figure out how to bring it up that we would pay for ourselves.
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Martha
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Yes, I see how it hurts and that's the way it is here too. My dh's counsins will be invited to a gathering organized by my mil, but she doesn't invite her only child because he brings 8 dc with him. It's a crowd issue, not neccessarily a "no kids allowed" issue, not that it makes us feel any less left out to know that.
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stacykay
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We have had many not invite us over, due to number of children. Those who don't invite us never turn down an invite here, but simply don't reciprocate. I do think it is also an issue of number of people, in most instances, and not children, per se.
We have had many wedding invites we have had to turn down, due to no children invited (those we declined were long distance- our children are no where near old enough to be alone!) Some nearby ones, we have also declined.
What do you all do when you are going to a wedding (or other adult only event) and need help to watch dc?
We have no family available for this. We had to get a sitter for dh's brother's wedding (he is Godfather to my oldest ds, we only had two at the time, both at a manageable age, and they were not invited, when others were. And it is not due to our dc behaviour- they aren't angels, but they do know how to behave when we are out, and many people have commented on that.)
I also have to add that the happiest and warmest weddings we have attended (both before and after children) are the ones in which the whole family was included. When we have attended with the littles, one of us generally stays in the back (or outside on nice days) with them as I don't want to chance any stray noise that would be distracting to the wedding.
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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My sister-in-law just got married this past summer. My husband was a groomsman in the wedding, which meant I had to attend. None of my children were invited to her getting-to-know-you-dinner (the night before the rehearsal), the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner, the wedding or the reception (ALL of which dh and I had to be present for).
My 4 little ones, who are usually very well-behaved (dh's family is always commenting on this ) were however, invited to be in my sister-in-law's wedding PHOTOS (taken between the wedding and the reception which they weren't invited to). My sister-in-law was pretty upset that her niece and nephews weren't going to get to see her in her wedding dress or at all on her wedding day. Does this make any sense?? Thankfully, my mil told her it was her own fault and she couldn't have it both ways, end of discussion.
Oh, and dh's other sister, who has only 1 child, brought her 1 child to EVERYTHING, as she was the only child included in any invitations. Nice, huh?
And, no, I didn't allow my children to be in the wedding photos. As Father Mark (on EWTN) said the other day about God, I too only allow idiocy to go on for so long. Rudeness, too.
Michaela, vent away. I'm on YOUR side. 
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Chari
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Elizabeth wrote:
My entire extended family is at my cousin's wedding recption as I write. We coudln't have made the trip to NY anyway (I'm still not up to that kind of travel), but my infant was the only one of my children invited...
My sister has two children. They are both there. |
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Funny, Elizabeth, I missed at wedding at the same time...of a niece........nothing was even mentioned on the invite.........but, I guess children were not welcome....so, we decided "killing" ourselves to get down to San Diego, was just not worth the effort. Please the backlash will not last forever since we did not come to the wedding.
...but, I will admit, shamelessly, that the main reason "I" wanted to go to the wedding, was to go see Lissa and Erica
......I even had my husband convinced to fly me and one child down for the weekend.......but felt God calling me to stay home with ALL of my kids....what a disappointment to miss L & E!!!
Of all of the weddings we have been invited to that do not invite the kids......I have noticed a trend:
1. there is usually wealth involved
2. God is usually left out of the wedding
3. the message feels to me blatantly anti-family
I have thick-skin.......so, no offense taken by me........just saddness for them, not knowing the blessings of my kids , God......or my presence at their special day
will pray it all works out for you, Michaela!
I must add, I always say "You know you have a true friend, when, at the spur of the moment, they invite you and your family of six kids for dinner!" I am blessed to have several of those........and ShawnaB is among that elite group!........who, btw, invited me and all five of my children to her wedding, even though we had never met before!!
Blessings, Michaela!
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Kind of OT here, but when we planned my SIL's wedding a few years ago, we planned for a lot of kids to be there. We included kid friendly food, wholesome music (they would have anyway) and treat bags to help keep the children busy. Just cheap little things from oriental trading company. i remember the glow necklaces were the biggest hit.
Just one of those ideas I have filed away fro my own children's weddings one day.
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Cay Gibson
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Bridget wrote:
| Kind of OT here, but when we planned my SIL's wedding a few years ago, we planned for a lot of kids to be there. We included kid friendly food, wholesome music (they would have anyway) and treat bags to help keep the children busy. |
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The last three wedding I've been to have had a "children's food table" set up just for the children with things they like to eat.
When my second ds's godmother got married she specifically asked him what he wanted to have on the table.
I don't know if it's part of the family-oriented atmosphere we live in but weddings in Louisiana never exclude the children (or none that I know of anyway). Children at weddings are a given and the whole family would be insulted if they were not invited.
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Martha
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[quote]Of all of the weddings we have been invited to that do not invite the kids......I have noticed a trend:
1. there is usually wealth involved
2. God is usually left out of the wedding
3. the message feels to me blatantly anti-family[/qoute]
well ouch. I disagree. My own wedding certainly wasn't rich by any stretch. We weren't Catholic then, but we certainly viewed, and still do view, marriage as a holy sacrament. In fact, my dh was adament we be married in the same church. I would have rather saved the $ and gone to Vegas. We didn't even have a long reception. Begining of wedding, through cake and punch, to pictures of us getting in the car was less than 2 hours total. Considering we have 8 children, I would not say my wedding was based on anti-family sentiment.
[Kind of OT here, but when we planned my SIL's wedding a few years ago, we planned for a lot of kids to be there. We included kid friendly food, wholesome music (they would have anyway) and treat bags to help keep the children busy.]
I think that's great if that's what they wanted to do.
BUT that's the main reason people don't invite children. If they have to be specially entertained and aren't old enough to handle a formal function in good behavior - they probably shouldn't be there. It would never occur to me to ask or expect someone to do anything special or added expense to accomodate children. (not saying you did that Bridget, just a general statement!)
Fact is, and it's a sad fact too, usually children these days are not invited because they are expected to not behave and often live up to that expectation. Screaming tantrums because they are expected to sit at the table and eat real food instead of corndogs. Running around like terrors. The parents think it's "so cute", but you can bet others don't find it amusing. I've gone to functions where children were there and was horrified at the behavior. My children sat with us at our table and just stared in shock at some children. (I remember once my oldest was 8 and said, "I thought that only happened on t.v.!") In fact, this is why we don't go to functions where the kids are seperated from us anymore. And I'm not even talking little kids. Some of the worst behaviot I've seen was dc ages 5 - 14! What in the world is up with that?!
Now please don't take offense. I am NOT saying anyone here has such ill-mannered children. I DO understand the feelings of being left out. I just don't know that it's not reasonable or that it's wrong to not invite children or not invite a large number of children. Just saying, I've seen the other side too and can see where they are comming from. I don't take it personal anymore. Most of the time.
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I have to agree with you Martha. Sometimes it comes down to a matter of opinion on whether weddings are for children or not. The majority of people view weddings for grown-ups. Antics of children aren't always seen as welcome at the wedding day. This has nothing to do with money, anti-life, anti-children, or anti-God.
I made the choice to have our reception in the Knights hall so I could expand the guest list to include the myriads of cousins and their children. It was many, many children. But other people when choosing other venues can't afford all those people. They want to, but when you have a big extended family, there are times that you have to cut down. Are feelings hurt? Unfortunately, yes.
Some friends of mine whose parents were from Philly and New York never had children at weddings, excepting immediate family or flower girl and ring bearer (and sometimes not even have those)...it just wasn't done. So for their children's own weddings, it wasn't kid friendly either. I guess the difference is that if you know the bride and groom, they will tell you up front...it's not an invitation without explanation.
So for many, the weddings are considered a date day/night for the invited couple...something I look forward to once in a while.
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Rebecca
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I cannot imagine any reason not to invite children to the wedding ceremony itself.
As for the reception, I personally, would rather have a modest (in expense and fanciness), relaxed reception with homemade food and children running about than a stiff, catered, formal, expensive meal where they were not invited for fear of their normal child noises and giggles "ruining" a perfectly dull time. When I say children running about I do not mean misbehaving but having the lovely fun that children do when allowed to act as children and not little grown ups.
A friend of mine with seven children held a lovely reception for her oldest daughter which had live Irish music to dance to, many homemade dishes to eat and were wonderfully welcoming to all the little ones. Yep, put the children's names on the invitations and everything.
None of the children misbehaved (although there were dozens of them there) because they had such a fun time celebrating with the adults.
That being said, my wedding years ago was small, somewhat fancy and full of unmarried folks (we were the first to marry in most of our family and friend's circles). There naturally were not many children there given our guests state of life but we did not exclude any by choice.
A wedding is the official beginning of a family and a family's greatest gift is children. So, it seems wholly appropriate for children to celebrate the marriage and the new family and to be reminders to everybody present of God's great blessings.
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Chari
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Martha wrote:
[quote]Of all of the weddings we have been invited to that do not invite the kids......I have noticed a trend:
1. there is usually wealth involved
2. God is usually left out of the wedding
3. the message feels to me blatantly anti-family[/qoute]
well ouch. I disagree. |
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Oh, Martha, I tried to be careful and wrote my comment so you would see it was specific.........so you would not find a reason to take it personal....please don't.... My quote only describes MY experience....and, it is a TRUE experience........having just freshly experienced this from my own dh's family.......it is the picture painted for me.....and, I am usually close enough to the family marrying to know I am not just guessing their reasons......they are like this, wedding or not
......thanks for another point of view. I know there are valid reasons for not having children at a wedding.
I agree that the general behavior of kids nowadays in the general public is often horrible......my kids are often appalled as well......how nice we are raising a generation of well-mannered kids......who hopefully will bring up ANOTHER generation of such kids!
I guess the problem with kids at a wedding really are the parents as the problem.......not taking them out when they are a disturbance.
I have never been to a wedding where any thing was made kid friendly.......and I have never been to a wedding where the children have brought a damper on the celebration. What I HAVE seen are kids who are having a great time doing a "grown-up" thing and playing at being very "fancy"
Please forgive me, Martha, for any offense, none was meant.......
.....and now that this thread is totally hijacked
...have a blessed day......I am off to teach childbirth classes!
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stacykay
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Chari wrote:
.....and now that this thread is totally hijacked
...have a blessed day......I am off to teach childbirth classes! |
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One last thought, if anyone can stand it? My oldest sis got married when I was 3 (almost 4 ,) and the next when I was 9. I can't imagine not having been at, or participating (flower girl to the first, and "jr. bridesmaid" to the second-I felt soooo grown up!) in their weddings.
My own dc will face this as the oldest is 18 and the youngest 2.
(I do know how incredibly expensive weddings are, nowadays, and if there were 20 or so children at $50 a head? -I am probably low- then that would be cost-prohibitive. Maybe banquet halls and caterers can find it in their hearts to offer the child-friendly food, as not many I know would even come close to eating half of a reception meal.)
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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Martha
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Rebecca wrote:
| I cannot imagine any reason not to invite children to the wedding ceremony itself. |
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I do.
1. I have never heard of being invited to either the ceremony OR the reception. It's an understood that the invite is to both.
2. Most children these days never go to a service or a Mass and have no idea how to behave.
Rebecca wrote:
| As for the reception, I personally, would rather have a modest (in expense and fanciness), relaxed reception with homemade food and children running about than a stiff, catered, formal, expensive meal where they were not invited |
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And that's great too! But the couple has every right to decide on the wedding they want.
Rebecca wrote:
| for fear of their normal child noises and giggles "ruining" a perfectly dull time. When I say children running about I do not mean misbehaving but having the lovely fun that children do when allowed to act as children and not little grown ups. |
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I don't claim perfect child and I don't lump children who are not as ill behaved. But that's just the key there isn't it?
If this was a dinner and reception for a high school reunion or business or maybe even a fancy golden anniversary, no one would think of bringing their kids. It's an adult function and they wouldn't expect the kids to act like mini-adults or expect the adults to change the menu and plans to cater kids.
Then there's what one person considers good behavior vs what another would require. Fairly quiet (babies do gurgle and such of course) and fairly still (swinging legs and some jitterryness is just part of being a little kid). However, my sil thinks it's perfectly okay for her kid to scream, yell, run around in circles risking damage to decor and elderly, crying over having to eat adult food and no one is making her a corndog. yelling out rude comments that aren't funny, but she thinks we should find it cute. "It's just the way kids are." And there are a LOT of people like my sil I have learned over the years. I have seen some pretty horrific behavior and seen parents get furious because people actually expected them to put a stop to it. (I've seen a 3 yo spit his food into the punch bowl. I've seen a 12 yr old moon a video recorder. I've seen a kid knock into an elderly lady with a walker while running around playing tag - in a sanctuary. Granted this isn't always weddings, but still it always shocks me what I see parents let their kids get away with in the name of "being cute" or "just being a kid".
Rebecca wrote:
A friend of mine with seven children held a lovely reception for her oldest daughter which had live Irish music to dance to, many homemade dishes to eat and were wonderfully welcoming to all the little ones. Yep, put the children's names on the invitations and everything.
None of the children misbehaved (although there were dozens of them there) because they had such a fun time celebrating with the adults. |
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It sounds like a wonderful wedding and if that's the wedding they wanted, then I think it's wonderful they had it that way.
Rebecca wrote:
| A wedding is the official beginning of a family and a family's greatest gift is children. So, it seems wholly appropriate for children to celebrate the marriage and the new family and to be reminders to everybody present of God's great blessings. |
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I can see that, but I don't think there's any requirement or that it's wrong not to have children there.
Honestly, I'm astonished anyone would even think to question how someone else plans and invites for an event. It's their wedding, time, expense, and memory being made. To tell them who they should invite and how they should plan the wedding to accomodate me... that would never occur to me for any function wedding or otherwise. If I can go, then great. But if I can't then I accept that too. I wouldn't even mention it unless asked. Then I would quietly say I was staying home with my kids and leave it at that.
Best case for the actual ceremony is that the mass is always a public one, so I guess they can't not invite anyone. Although I would think it highly irregular to tell them at the door that their invite has expired and they aren't welcome to the reception.
If it wasn't in a Catholic Church, I might go, but I wouldn't take my kids to another church anyhow.
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Erin
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Michaela,
Apologies for hi-jacking your thread How has it gone with your mum? Have you talked things out with her yet? All the best 
Martha,
You do raise some good points and it is an individual choice. We really can't dictate who is invited I apologise if I sounded that way. Money is an issue and I guess I hadn't considered children's behaviour because I just haven't seen the sort of things you describe.
Actually my sil did invite my children to her wedding but not the reception. All the cousins were at the wedding but they weren't invited to the reception. Anyhow it was my understanding that anyone can go to a wedding in a Church. I know at my wedding many of the parishioners turned up at the back 
I guess what hurt me was that I had travelled over 700kms to be at her wedding and what did she expect me to do with my children? They were only 4,3 and 1. I was still nursing the 1yr old and had never left my children with anyone other than their grandmother who was going to be at the wedding. At one stage I was going to go to the wedding but not the reception as I had no-one to leave them with. Oh and that night it was dh's 30th birthday which would have made it extra sad. I did manage to go and I did enjoy being able to dance with dh but I did worry and I had to rush through the suburbs of Sydney at the end of the night to a crying baby
The ironical thing was at my wedding a few years previously when we sent out the invites dh's family had to travel hundred of km's from Sydney and we didn't put the children's names on the invites as we just assumed it was an automatic thing they would come, after all what else were they goint to do with them? Anyhow one sil stated emphatically to me that she was going to bring her children, I remember being bewildered and saying 'but of course'. (my wedding was the first wedding I ever attended I didn't know much ) My own little sis was 9mths old at my wedding and my little sis 12 and dh's brother 13 were in the wedding party. And of course my brother 5 was page boy and 2 brothers 7 and 9 served
I can appreciate that it is expensive to invite cousins etc but I do think that neices and nephews should be invited. But I now know that not everyone sees it that way And as you point out and correctly so it isn't our place to dictate who is invited. (Thanks for being brave and 'being different' )
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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Alcat
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| Posted: Nov 07 2006 at 7:12pm | IP Logged
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I understand what your saying Martha. Most weddings around here that dh and I have been to have been "no children". For my area, I will have too say, it is a wealth issue. The more formal the wedding the less likely children will be invited.
My own mother didn't want me to allow children to my wedding. I put my foot down, my dh's extended family were all traveling and all had young kids. It was great, we all had a wonderful time, and my mom never complained.
Truth be told ladies, I don't mind leaving my dc at home, I love the date with my dh . This is easy for weddings that are here, but if I have to travel then I do expect to be allowed to bring my dc. This might seem like a double standered but, hey, it's tough to leave 4 kids 8yrs and under with Granma for the weekend. So, normally we don't attended weddings were we have to stay overnight.
A dear friend is getting married this Dec. My dh is the best man. The bride is the oldest of 8 (her youngest sib is 5yrs). It's going to be wonderful; except I will have a newborn, 2yr, 4yr, 6yr and an 8yrold with me at all times dh won't be much help because of best man duties- I get all postpartum hormonal just thinking about it (and the babys not even here yet ).... So, I'm trying to figure something out...
Michaela, I want to say I find it very weird that people think that 3dc is a lot . I don't get that whole business about dinner for your niece. I'm glad you are going to talk to your mom and work it out. It might be that your mom just needs some ground rules so she knows how to handle these situations- especially as you family grows .
God Bless,
Alison
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Family -- too big for invites
