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Erin
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| Posted: Aug 11 2006 at 7:37am | IP Logged
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Tonight I discovered that my son's soccer team has some very undesirable behaviour. All the players, except for ds' fellow christian friends, use extremely foul language at trainings. Sad to say his coach is 'one of the worst'. This has been going on for some time. We have now reached the end of the season to discover this. I don't know what we are going to do about this next season.
I post this as a warning for vigilance. I thought my son(11) would just tell me if this was happening. His response was, 'he thought I knew', as I talk to his coach. Yes I have heard his coach swearing when talking to me but I just assumed that he wasn't talking to the children like that. Naive me. 
I also haven't been staying at all his trainings this season as due to pregnancy and cold weather and little ones I have just dropped them off. As two of his siblings are also training at the same place I felt safe doing this. But then even when I do stay and watch I am sitting on the sidelines and can't hear what is being said. I have seen some of their behaviour which we talk about but ds has been rather reticent about the language. I believe this to be modesty on his behalf as he wouldn't want to repeat it. I had to drag the beginning letters out of him.
I don't believe all teams are like this as dd's team has only a minor issue with one or two boys and not language of this sub-standard.
I told ds I wish he had never heard these words and he has said that he wishes he had never heard them either.  Obviously in future I need to be rather specific in my questions to my children and not so general.
Should I pull ds out of this team next season, or is this problem going to follow us? This would mean a different club. I would love to have some advice about this. I've been reading all the teen topics about vigilance with great interest only to discover I have my first hurdle to tackle now
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Aug 11 2006 at 8:08am | IP Logged
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I think there is going to be some language wherever you go. However, I don't think it's acceptable coming from a coach. You can expect the boys to use some and it becomes a real trial for our boys not to pick it up just because they hear it in that context. A coach should be held to a higher standard, particularly when we're talking about eleven-year-olds. I'd look around for someone else because to me, an adult who can't handle his mouth better than that is likely to have other self-control problems.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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ladybugs
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| Posted: Aug 11 2006 at 12:11pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I think there is going to be some language wherever you go. However, I don't think it's acceptable coming from a coach. You can expect the boys to use some and it becomes a real trial for our boys not to pick it up just because they hear it in that context. A coach should be held to a higher standard, particularly when we're talking about eleven-year-olds. I'd look around for someone else because to me, an adult who can't handle his mouth better than that is likely to have other self-control problems. |
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I heartily agree. A coach is someone the children look up to and he should act as such.
I'm sorry that you are confronted with this situation.
Prayers from here.
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Maria P
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lapazfarm
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I would absolutely switch teams and I would let the coach and the league supervisors know why. I bet there are other parents that don't know about his foul language. No excuse for a coach to use foul language in front of a child or a parent, for that matter. The man should not be coaching if he doesn't have more respect for the kids than that.
My dad has been a softball and baseball coach for 40 years and has done so successfully without cussing. In fact, anyone who cusses on his team runs laps and then sits the bench for a good long while! And if parents don't like it he tells them to take it up with the league supervisor (who always backs him on that issue). That's the kind of coach kids need.
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aussieannie
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I think there is going to be some language wherever you go. |
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This is true and you can't shelter them from everything because it is so common. But I would like to know how women categorize these things, what is absolutely not acceptable, full stop and what is bearable? Then what about swear words made more 'potent' by the pharse it is placed in to make it more degrading and unnatural? This is a hard thing to discuss I know, but I am very interested. For me, any swear word that is of a s@xual nature I am very unhappy about, if it is used in a phrase that would degrade a family member, that would make it worse. Blasphemy is something we don't tolerate either. Words used to describe normal but private bodily functions of a non-s#xual nature, I think is rough but it is bearable. What is other women's cut off points? What do you except from adults and not from children and vis versa?
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Erin
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| Posted: Aug 12 2006 at 6:54am | IP Logged
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aussieannie wrote:
| But I would like to know how women categorize these things, what is absolutely not acceptable, full stop and what is bearable? |
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Well, I have to say I find all the words my son has heard offensive, but some of the words that have been used are even more offensive than others. We are talking all the swear words covering the first eight letters of the alphabet.
I am feeling very distressed about this situation. I want to thank you all for your advice and support. We have raised our children with zero tolerance for bad language, to the extent that they think 'shutup' is a swear word. I didn't enlighten them otherwise  and to now find that my barely 11yr old has heard the word beginning with the third letter of the alphabet
After much angst I have decided to write a letter to the committee outlining our belief that this behaviour is unacceptable for coaches and I want some sort of guidelines and consequences in place. As regards the children, well it is probably harder to address however as they are not allowed to swear in the classroom nor should they be allowed to swear on field. So I will address the letter from this viewpoint.
As we have a history with this club I feel it is in our best interest to try to work with them. They are also very aware that as of next season we have five children playing with their club and would be the second largest family playing with them. Dollars talk A very close friend of ours is the club register and a fellow homeschooler so we will get listened to, his son is on this team also and they are horrified too when I rang them.
I do hope I have not ofended anyone by my frankness here, I have tried to be as circumspect as possible whilst endeavouring to give a clear picture that I'm not talking milder language. If I have offended I do apologise. 
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Elizabeth
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I don't think they are allowed to swear on the field. If I'm not mistaken, swearing on the field results in a card in soccer and I know it's a Technical Foul in basketball (at least in the youth leagues up through high school). All my athletes are asleep so I can't quote the rules and regs but I'm certain profanity is a foul of some sort.
However, I am also certain that profanity among boys on a bench, in a locker room, or at practice is going to happen. It's a heterogneous bunch that includes children with lower standards than ours. But that doesn't mean our children have to tolerate it. It means we have to give them tools to deal with it. The truth is, they will grow up and go into the workplace. And in some workplaces, they will encounter pornography pinned up in lockers, foul language on the worksite, cheating, and all sorts of other things. some of them will encounter such things at trades and jobs as early as sixteen. You have five years to prepare! When we keep them from such language and we make sure we have notolerance for it while they are little, we sensitize them to it. They know it's wrong because it's out of their ordinary. Athletics is a microcosm of the real world and one that we can manage more readily. But we have to manage it. We can't just pay our money and leave them to manage on their own. We have to spend huge amounts of time knowing the coaches and the other kids well. If not, they are better off without sports at all. You set the example by calling the coach out on it. You show your child that some things are worth raising a stink over. Eleven is not too young to start to learn how to stand up for what is right because, believe me, the stakes are much higher when that child is on a travel soccer trip, far from you, at seventeen. You set the example, you give him the tools and pray for his strength and he will choose to do the right thing.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Elizabeth
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Michael says that if an 11-year-old cusses on the field, he gets a card. He says in Georgia, they are very strict and there's no warning. If a coach cusses, he's likely to be ejected, particularly if it's at an U-12 match.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Erin
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| Posted: Aug 12 2006 at 8:36am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I don't think they are allowed to swear on the field. If I'm not mistaken, swearing on the field results in a card in soccer |
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Elizabeth,
The same applies here, I didn't explain myself properly but I was thinking of no swearing allowed on the field at training. Is that being too unrealistic?
Elizabeth wrote:
| However, I am also certain that profanity among boys on a bench, in a locker room, or at practice is going to happen. It's a heterogneous bunch that includes children with lower standards than ours. But that doesn't mean our children have to tolerate it. It means we have to give them tools to deal with it. The truth is, they will grow up and go into the workplace. |
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This is very true and I am always aware that I don't want to raise my children in a bubble. I do want to provide them with the tools to function in society and to function well. It is finding the medium of preserving their innocence for as long as possible so that they have a firm foundation. I guess I really was not expecting this just yet. I thought I'd have a little longer.
Elizabeth wrote:
| When we keep them from such language and we make sure we have no tolerance for it while they are little, we sensitize them to it. They know it's wrong because it's out of their ordinary. |
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Thank you for saying this, I really needed to hear this right now. I have been reviewing my parenting philosophies and practices it is great to hear you re-inforce my beliefs 
Elizabeth wrote:
| Athletics is a microcosm of the real world and one that we can manage more readily. But we have to manage it. We can't just pay our money and leave them to manage on their own. We have to spend huge amounts of time knowing the coaches and the other kids well. If not, they are better off without sports at all. You set the example by calling the coach out on it. You show your child that some things are worth raising a stink over. Eleven is not too young to start to learn how to stand up for what is right because, believe me, the stakes are much higher when that child is on a travel soccer trip, far from you, at seventeen. You set the example, you give him the tools and pray for his strength and he will choose to do the right thing. |
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Thank you, thank you Elizabeth.
I really needed to hear your advice, wisdom and experience in this area. 
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Erin
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Sports- Foul Language
