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Courtney
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Anyone have any great tips for those sibling squabbles?
My ds (age 6) can't stand when people sing. I don't know why. The only time he likes singing (this applies only to real people, he loves listening to music on cd's, etc.)is when I sing to him at night. My 8 yr old dd, on the other hand, is a very happy child who loves to sing or hum throughout the day. She gets upset and says it's not fair that she can never sing. He, on the other hand, starts to cry and get mad when she does. It is petty but driving me nuts.  Most of the time I tell them to go in different rooms. Overall, they get along quite well. It just seems like lately, they've been picking at each other more and more. One other thing they were arguing about last week was whether the kitchen light should be on or off during lunch. My dh finally assigned dd to even days of the month and ds to odd days so they each get it their way on their day. I want them each to learn tolerance and patience. I don't think this is the way to do it, but am at a loss. Any suggestions?
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Courtney in Texas
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Mom to Candace 10/97 ,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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saintanneshs
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Hi Courtney,
We're working on this one too, BIG TIME, so I'll be checking back to read all the great advice you're given.
As for me, I do what my m-i-l did with dh and his sisters. When I have 2 who won't stop arguing, I tell them that I figure they must need more time together to understand each other and maybe see things from the other person's point of view. I give them a couple of reminders to help them work things out. Then I send them to an over-sized chair or couch (away from me!!) where they have to sit, side-by-side until they work things out. Usually this takes upwards of an hour, but I think they need the "togetherness" to give them some perspective. Oh, they can't stand it for about the first 30 minutes, but then again, by the time an hour is up I usually have two much more tolerant children. Plus, there's the reward of personal space afterward 
Last week this didn't work in time (I don't like to make them sit there for more than an hour) so I took the boys outside for "brotherly love bootcamp." They picked up pinecones (numbering in the millions on our farm!) and after long, were too tired to fuss with each other anymore. This week, no fussing. It's amazing ...I wonder??
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Kristine
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Courtney
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You know, Kristine, my dh thinks that when they get like this they're lacking in exercise! He may be right. It's been so unbearably hot here this summer. The first part of the summer was great b/c they had swimteam every day for 2 hours. Since then, we haven't been to the pool as much and their exercise time has been nil. I really look forward to fall and winter when we can spend long afternoons outdoors!
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Courtney in Texas
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Tina P.
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I like this one: Sit the children who are arguing facing each other with their noses touching. They'll be laughing within a few seconds. Ask them the reason for their squabble. They probably won't remember. If they do, if it's a sharing issue, have them take turns or play with something else entirely together.
If it's another issue, chances are good that you can facilitate a productive conversation that will iron out the issue. But I love the brotherly love bootcamp Kristine suggested (can we send some brothers your way?) and the exercise in general that Courtney suggests.
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Tina, wife to one and mom to 9 + 3 in heaven
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Tina P.
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Oh duh! You ARE Courtney!
Have my mind on other things. Sorry.
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mumofsix
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My children really do not squabble very much, and one thing jumped out at me: you may possibly be bending over too much to be "fair". For instance, it is you who should decide about the light being on or off, according to your own judgement of whether it is needed or not. The childrens' views on this should really be pretty irrelevant. If they know that you will decide, period, they may stop squabbling about it (though not immediately perhaps) because they know neither of them will "win". As for the singing, your daughter should be able to do this as she wishes, unless there is a good reason not to, e.g. your son is trying to concentrate on something and this impedes his concentration. Again, it is you who should call the shots and your decision must be obeyed without fuss. (Obviously you will take the childrens' views and needs into account, but it is you and not they who make the final decision.) This kind of clarity does help little children to be more peaceful. Hth.
Jane.
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Elizabeth
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Courtney wrote:
| You know, Kristine, my dh thinks that when they get like this they're lacking in exercise! He may be right. It's been so unbearably hot here this summer. The first part of the summer was great b/c they had swimteam every day for 2 hours. Since then, we haven't been to the pool as much and their exercise time has been nil. I really look forward to fall and winter when we can spend long afternoons outdoors! |
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This has been my experience this week. My children have been miserable. The only break was an hour at an air conditioned gym to run. It's worse than a blizzard--at least then we still go outside. I can't do the pool because the air quality is so bad and the heat index so high that asthmatic kids don't belong in chlorinated pools. It's really made me aware of how often I sense the intensity and energy rising and almost intinctively send them outside.
I thought about that earlier this week when I answered a question asked by a mom of four little ones who lives in a NY city high rise. As I was writing that post, I realized just how much both my children and I need to get outside everyday. I think we'd dance outside in a thunderstorm right about now!
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Courtney
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Thank you all for your tips. Jane, I think you hit the nail on the head. I think with having two kids, sometimes I think it's more difficult b/c I get caught in the being fair thing and leaning his way or her way. Bottom line is, I should take a stand on certain issues.
We are definitely doing something physical tomorrow!
One more funny squabbling story:
The kids have a town they've made with houses and buildings made from boxes. They call it Little Way. One day Christopher was upset b/c Candace wouldn't let "his man" come to her hospital. She said it was a children's hospital and only children were allowed. Christopher said this "man" was 17 so he could be there. Candace was upset b/c this man had done something wrong and she didn't want the police looking for him in her hospital. As I sat on the stairs participating in the mediation of this, I realized how funny it sounded!
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Courtney in Texas
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mumofsix
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Courtney - have you considered a legal career for your children?
I think they would both be great attorneys.
Jane.
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Cay Gibson
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Courtney wrote:
Anyone have any great tips for those sibling squabbles?
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We had this problem the minute "summer vacation" was declared. 
A BIG part of the problem comes from my two boys who love to  their sisters. The oldest sister is the only one who doesn't put up with it. She holds her own. The two little girls get so .
My solution has been to have structured table time (seat work) each day for school work. They are all so happy when table time is up that they all get along marvelously well or they all do their own thing.
Of course, I don't suppose this is a top reason for instituting structured time into the day but I do believe in structured routines and find that they help the house run more smoothly...less chaotic.
Outside time is a given. Make them burn that energy off outside. The squabbling doesn't sound as loud or annoying that way.
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Cay Gibson
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Courtney
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I do believe *my* lack of structure around here has had an ill effect his summer! My dd asked when school was starting b/c she can't wait. I, too, am looking forward to it but wish I had put forth more structure this summer.
We are going to the pool tomorrow and swimming till they can't swim anymore! Today was much better, though with the arguing. First thing this morning, I told them that they no longer are in charge of the lights or setting any singing rules , and they both looked at me and nodded. In hindsight, I can usually trace craziness back to my lack of consistency or structure around here.
Thank you all for your suggestions!
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Courtney in Texas
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Mom to Candace 10/97,Christopher 4/00 and Connor 11/11
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Topic: Tips for squashing squabbles
