| Author | |
ladybugs
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3732
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 5:23pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Ok, ladies...inspired by Genevieve's blog and by this other thread, we thought that we could encourage each other in our wifedom...(is that even a word  ).
Leonie said in another thread: "Oh, my gosh, Maria. Now you all know that I don't feel I match my mothering vision, wait till you hear about my wifely role and visions! I fall down short."
I know this is true for me as well.
Last night, I went to an evening of recollection where the talk was on the last beatitude, "Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you...." The priest spoke on difficulties and how there are 4 ways to deal with them:
1. Avoidance
2. Bear them patiently
3. Accept them with love
4. Seek them out with ardor.
Now, in regards to my dh, it's so easy for me to not give him the tolerance I would give to another and after all, since charity begins at home, quite obviously, I fall short.
But I've made a decision to try and be quiet (stop laughing) when I want to respond in anger.
How can we lift each other up with practical advice and application?
Ideas?
__________________
Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leonie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2831
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 5:34pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Maria, I don't know if this helps but one thing I remember, when angry, is that I am not perfect either. God hasn't finished wth me yet so maybe I should cut my dh some slack, too. 
For some reason, thinking of this puts things into perspective for me.
Where I fall down on the wife front  is in taking my dh and my life for granted. Not being appreciative enough and just being too plain busy...
__________________
Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Compared to me, my hubby is an absolute angel. He's my moral beacon, my guide, my inspiration. When I first met him, I thought, I can't possibly deserve him, Lord. He's too good for me. NONE of the guys who I was ever interested in or who was ever interested in me came close. Now I know why God put us together. It's to teach ME to be more mellow, to be a nicer, kinder, more generous person. When I lose my patience with hubby, I try to think back to how I felt when we got together.
OF COURSE he's not perfect. But his imperfections are nothing in light of *my* perfectionism, a major fault of mine. So I still make mistakes. I still open my mouth too many times and say too many things I shouldn't. But I apologize as soon as I realize I'm wrong. And I try to do little extras, not only to make up for the times when I hurt him, but even to just show my appreciation..... things like
- organizing his underwear drawer, because he was a neat freak before we met and before we got married, but now he's so busy with work and "honey do" stuff that he doesn't have time for that.
- making him allergy-free things, because I know how much he loves baked goods, and now can't have them.
- preparing him food for when he goes out of town, e.g., cooking a week's worth of food in advance and freezing them so he won't have to eat out.
- researching stuff for him, like the mirrors he wanted to buy for their dojo in the basement. I found them for $30 at Re-Store. Other places were asking about $200+ per mirror.
I realize many of my concrete suggestions won't be applicable to your situation. But these are just some of the ways I try to go over and beyond "wifely duties". Some of you may be doing more than these already. But I still don't do these things often enough. So it helps to type them out and reinforce my conviction that our husbands so need us to treat them like kings.
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Leonie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2831
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
stefoodie wrote:
| I realize many of my concrete suggestions won't be applicable to your situation. But these are just some of the ways I try to go over and beyond "wifely duties". Some of you may be doing more than these already. But I still don't do these things often enough. So it helps to type them out and reinforce my conviction that our husbands so need us to treat them like kings. |
|
|
It *does help to type these things up - and to think about them.
One thing I do ( see, I am not all bad) is buy chocolate for my dh. He likes chocolate but would never buy it just for himself.
__________________
Leonie in Sydney
Living Without School
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 6:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I need to get to this later.
But it is on my heart to contribute to this, as it is my #1 most pressing need. I struggle with being the wife I know God has called me to be. It is so much harder for me than mothering which comes so naturally. It is not that I am not aware of God's mandates or have the romantic ideals....well, it's that we just for some reason.....(and divorce on both sides has so much to do with it, I'm sure)....take our stress out on each other. And my dh has A LOT.  And of course I do too, as well. Am I saying too much, being too bold?
I pray this thread is led by the Holy Spirit....I don't want to cross the line into detraction....but I DO think we need to uplift and encourage and support each other. Who else will?
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Meredith
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 08 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2355
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 8:12pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
stefoodie wrote:
| Compared to me, my hubby is an absolute angel. He's my moral beacon, my guide, my inspiration. When I first met him, I thought, I can't possibly deserve him, Lord. He's too good for me. NONE of the guys who I was ever interested in or who was ever interested in me came close. Now I know why God put us together. It's to teach ME to be more mellow, to be a nicer, kinder, more generous person. When I lose my patience with hubby, I try to think back to how I felt when we got together..... So I still make mistakes. I still open my mouth too many times and say too many things I shouldn't. But I apologize as soon as I realize I'm wrong.... So it helps to type them out and reinforce my conviction that our husbands so need us to treat them like kings. |
|
|
Oh my goodness, I could have written the same post!! Did we marry the same person, maybe you and I are twins separated at birth
What a great thread here, I find it so hard to meet his needs, like daily massages, etc that we had B4 the dc.
Looking forward to seeing others thoughts
__________________
Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
Sweetness and Light
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: July 25 2006 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
This is such an important topic, I think. I won't speak for others (my first instinct was to say: "I think most mothers put their children first....") but I will speak for myself and admit, the children will take priority if I don't slap myself around a bit!
And that is wrong. It may be more *natural*, it may come more *easily* but it doesn't establish a family in security. I have to remind myself, I do not have a sacrament with my children. I share a sacrament with my husband. A living sign of Christ....a life-giving fount....a source of sanctification.
My husband is Choleric. But he is not just Choleric, he is a wounded, broken Choleric who has--I am thinking of a gentle way to say this--much buried anger that is difficult for him to express and process. That he ended up such an incredibly faithful and convicted man is truly a sign of God's love, nothing short of a miracle, in my humble estimation. Having control, feeling in control, is for him, crucial; and as a woman who wants to please God, love my friend who is my husband, and ground my family, I have found it is my responsibilty to (try to) do whatever I can to truly be his helper and to respect him due to his office, not because of his worthiness or deserving of it (as Don van Zeller says in Holiness for Housewives so beautifully).
Oh, I fail. I FAIL over and over....I really struggle.... but at least I KNOW what I *ought* to do. Just as Maria said, we have choices when confronted with difficulties, and as mature Christian women (well, who want to be, at least), we have to pray on our knees for the grace and the strength to just BE SILENT. And I don't mean just in words--- not defending ourselves or proving the injustice done to us---but internally, calming the emotions that rise up wanting to protest to God, "I shouldn't have to deal with this". This is not *right*. A meek and quiet spirit does NOT come naturally to me, is not the way I was raised, and is not championed by anyone in my family of origin. And I will work on it until the moment I breathe my last!
When we met as foolish college freshman, we looked at each other (after sharing our upbringing a bit) and confided our deepest prayer and aspiration: "When I marry, I will NEVER abuse my children by destroying their family---no matter what". We made the other feel: Okay, I've found a soul-mate, here. Someone who understands. Someone who will stick by his/her promises and commitments to the point of it HURTING. Total tenacity and gritted teeth!!
Now, God gives us the chance to prove our worth and our sincerity. He has us go through almost 20 years of crosses woven in and out of the days and years and gives us the opportunities on many occassions to pray for miracles because we are so strained. And to remind ourselves daily of what is really, truly important. And what will matter most to the children.
If I believe I will be saved or not in this vocation of marriage (we all will be, right, within our chosen state of life) depending on how I choose to LOVE God and serve and deny myself, than I should be willing to do anything to strenthen that choice that has already been made, to affirm that union. So I know what will bear fruit: asking myself, "How can I bring him comfort? How can I help him to function better? To be a peaceful, confident father? How can I strengthen him and build him up?" and then, DOING it....but I often don't feel like it.
I know the main things I can do that bring him much relief and consolation and I try to be available and to stop what I'm doing and give him my attention. But the number one thing is, just bearing things patiently and going to God with all grievances and worries, not starting on my "here's everything that's wrong/if only you'd listen to me" cries. Trusting that God really, truly wants what is best for me and will bring me help through this man...will bring the sacramental graces and reassurances of His presence and blessing!
(Of course, there is the role of gentle rebuking a wrong or fault because we are their other halves....but I have to be very careful, and the time has to be right.) I find when I truly live out these principles, we are all much more happy. But again, it is loving until it hurts at times...like Mother Teresa said.
I have to run. Thank you for reading and I am so eager to hear from other wives!
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jdostalik
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 15 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2935
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 6:45am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Maria, Nina, and everyone,
Just joining in here and wanting to thank you so much for your beautiful posts. Yours, especially, Nina, has given me much food for thought and has inspired me.
My sweet husband is a gem. We have just come out of the fuzzy,first-trimester nausea phase and without him, I wouldn't have made it. WHEN I cooked (which wasn't often), he cleaned up. He played with the kids the minute he got home so I could go lie down. He listened when I told him how tired I was...I mean, this man is a saint and I do not deserve him.
His needs are very simple and sometimes I fail in meeting even those!  But, with the grace of our sacramental marriage, I have seen, time and time again, that when I just make a tiny, tiny effort to do something for him, God provides the strength and joy for me to do it--and the results--well, they are so worth it...a happy (and many times surprised!) husband!
Example: Dh usually wakes up at 5 am, feeds the animals, makes a bowl of cereal for himself (while the rest of us are sleeping!) and then goes to daily 6:30 am mass. Well, today he is still sleeping but I woke up to a clean, sparkling kitchen, thanks to him...so I'm off to make him lunch and put a love note in his lunch bag! I hope he doesn't have a heart attack! He would take his lunch every day if he could, but he doesn't have time to add that in to his morning routine...a new goal for me to try and meet...and it is a realistic one. I mean, how sad am I? I know most wives do make lunches for their husbands, but I am NOT a morning person and nursing babies in bed with me who don't like me to leave them, does not make it any easier to get up in the morning...Okay, enough excuses!
God bless all you ladies in your vocation as wives--this is such an encouraging thread! 
__________________
God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Genevieve
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 02 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 529
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 7:22am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Everybody has such encouraging things to say. What struck me though is how well we know our husband and our eagerness to please him despite our weak wills. We must not forget that some couples, although married and are living together, has lost that desire to please and serve the other. The fact that we still have the heart to do it is a blessing indeed!
I know what my husband like and I try to meet those needs. Sometimes, it feels like courtship all over again when you are on your *best* behaviour. You do things you like for him. You tease him and laugh with him. You listen attentively to him and ask him intelligent questions. You give him space when he needs to. It isn't very different from marriage per se but the mindset is different. There is less taking for granted and although I've changed since we got married, I still married why he married me and try to be that loving, thoughtful, cheerful etc etc woman. Only this time it requires more will-power because I was trying to be that woman but to my children all day.
A year ago, I started this thread that I think some of you must be interested in. Nurturing a gentle spirit I've gleam much wisdom in this thread.
__________________
Genevieve
The Good Within
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hylabrook1
Forum Moderator
Joined: July 09 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5980
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 9:28am | IP Logged
|
|
|
A big place where I fall down as a wife is in listening to my husband, giving him the space to talk. I am definitely the more extroverted of the two of us; I usually work out the things I am feeling by talking aloud on the topic, and in the process things seem to fall into place and begin to make sense, reach resolution, etc. My husband, on the other hand, "cogitates" internally; sometimes this feels to me like he is brooding over things. Actually, he is very patient in listening to me, being my sounding board, which is very generous on his part. I tend to be less generous toward him, in that I keep talking/thinking out loud. I try (and need to try harder) to give him more space in which to talk and to encourage him to share; I need to be more patient (imagine that!),as he leaves longer spaces between thoughts.
A lot of this comes from my being at home all day. Caring for our children is my favorite thing to do, but I don't share with them the things that are really on my heart (after all, they are my children, not my soulmates). When dh comes home, I'm afraid sometimes I sort of bombard him, rather than giving him a rest from words and ideas, which he has been bombarded with all day at work!
Nancy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jackiemomof7
Forum Pro
Joined: Oct 28 2005
Location: Kansas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 247
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 12:42pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
My dh and I were talking last night and I realized how I have forgotten to make sure he gets his "alone" time. When he sees me getting frazzled he tells me to "go, get out and do something for yourself." I forget to do that for him. He doesn't play golf or do something like that. Either he is at work or home doing work for me. So during our talk we decided that Tuesdays (he only has Sundays off and works just 5 am - 9am on Tuesdays) would be his day to do whatever he wants. Because during the school year I have a bad habit of not doing school and spending time with him. (just more fun ) Now that my children are old enough I can get out whenever it is needed but he doesn't have that luxury. So starting in Sept. Tuesday is his day! I have plans still for him during Aug. like a house that needs to be finish painting,window cleaning.....
One other thing I have always done is make sure I bake him something 3-4 times a week. He loves homemade goodies. I love to surprise him with cookies and pies. But most recently I having been trying to give him a compliment (or 2)everyday. I tell him I love him everyday at least 3 or 4 times a day, but I don't tell him the "why's" kwim? Recently I listened to Kimberly Hahn's new CD's and she mentioned the 5 languages of love (anyone read this? I plan on checking at the library for it) and what she described about one of the languages sounded like my dh the need for words, to be told compliments. So I have been trying hard to remember to say things like "Thanks for fixing the rabbit cage, I really apperciate the help" or something that was done and I may forget to let him know how much it really meant to me that he took the time to do something. I even posted a note to myself in my notebook that I refer to everyday to journal in to make sure I "say something today". Not sure if I am making any sense here. I am running around taking dc to 3 dentist appts and one dr appt.
__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hylabrook1
Forum Moderator
Joined: July 09 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5980
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Jackie -
Yes! The Five Languages of Love is a real eye-opener. There is also a Five Languages of Love for children, which is also very good. It's funny, because in trying to live the Golden Rule, we do onto others what we would like done onto ourselves, but since we are all so different from one another, it often turns out that the things we do, thinking we are being so loving, are not received as well by the other person as we had hoped. I guess communication really is a two-way street. It's not just about the message we think we send, but also about the message that is received.
Definitely food for thought!
Peace,
Nancy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
deleted user
Forum Newbie
Joined: Aug 01 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: -5
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you for bringing up the Five Love Languages, Nancy and Jackie. What do you do when your husband's love language is touch and you are always pregnant or nursing (i.e. over-stimmed)? It takes a truly disinterested spirit to remember as you said, Nancy, that our giving should be concerned with the "message that is *received*". Does he truly feel LOVED.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 2:43pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
OH MY GOSH!!! SOMEONE HELP ME----I DID IT AGAIN!!!!
aaaaaarrrrgggghhhh. That is ME up there as "MacPhisto" (my son was signed in!!!) I need to be more careful now that my teens are signed up!!
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
stefoodie
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 17 2005
Location: Ohio
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 8457
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 4:36pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
We've also learned a lot from the Five Languages book. But the thing with me is I probably could be classified as high-maintenance. Any of the 5 (or all of them) I would welcome and appreciate!
My hubby's the same way, Nina.... from what I've read here I think a lot of our hubbies are.
__________________
stef
mom to five
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Stef,
Oh good. Thank you for sharing that. It's good for me to hear.
Also, could anyone take the time to briefly list the 5 languages? I can't think of one of them!
HA! I laughed out loud at your "high-maintenance" comment! So many of us are.... in so, so many ways!!!!
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
ladybugs
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3732
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I do find the 5 languages book to be very, very good. My problem is I'm not good at languages! HA HA!
Seriously, my dh's is touch and by the end of the day  ...not to mention, Nina, I can relate to you about your dh being broken. Mine is too, and the wounds run deep. I think I'm just learning how to be patient with those wounds and for the healing and sadly, only beginning to realize how GOD will take care of us - nothing like having to get clonked on the head for 10.5 years! I'm a slow learner. However, a learner nonetheless and I am at peace.
When I got married, I was very scared. Me? Married? And yet desperately, I wanted to be. However, I was wounded from my parent's divorce and even as I walked down the aisle prayed, "If I'm not supposed to do this, please don't let it happen." Well, I didn't trip nor did I faint. I said my vows. We presented Our Lady with a bouquet. We shook our dear priest's hands, walked out and felt that I had been to the Holiest Mass of my Life. (Nina, btw, I got married at Our Lady of Peace in Santa Clara by Fathers Sweeny and Father Warren.) For those of you who don't know, Nina and I knew one another at sight from Our Lady of Peace but we didn't meet until we were both living in Northern CA.
Anyway, marriage has been difficult for me to let down my defenses learned from my family of origin. But I really believe that I am finally getting it! Isn't that exciting? Now, of course, I'll fail, but one of the best traits of my dh is his willingness to forgive. He is so generous that way.
I better run...but wanted to contribute...hope it helps someone!
__________________
Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 7:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you for your words, Maria. I think you and I are very much alike.
I feel teary, right now....maybe hormones! Maybe thinking about those days with Fr. Sweeney and Fr. Warren, two saints of the modern times!! Thinking about when things seemed simpler...the crosses we all inevitably face, belonging to Jesus, the daily challenges to love even when we don't feel like it.... And the Devil trying to blind us to the graces God is pouring out on our families. These are challenging times.
Ah...I feel so blessed to have you other women to understand and to share with.
Forgive me my emotionalism, all.
It's time to "Be truly jovial" as Maria says! And go kiss my children and especially...my husband!
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Marybeth
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 02 2005
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1277
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 7:25pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, crying to my dh about my love language at 6:30 AM before he had coffee was not the best way for either of us to start today.
sigh....I just think b/c dh loves me so well I just let all my emotions come flying out with disregard to the time and place for him. I need to mature in ways of sacrificing my immediate need to talk about what I am feeling and realize better listening will take place 12 hours later at dinner (plus dh will be awake!).
Marybeth
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Marybeth
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 02 2005
Location: Illinois
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1277
|
| Posted: July 26 2006 at 7:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
The Five Love Languages
Acts of Service-doing something for the person
Gifts-not expensive just letting them know you were thinking about them
Quality Time-spending one on one time together
Words of Affirmation-being positive and verbally supportive
Physical Touch-not meaning sexually
Highly highly recommend the book!!
Marybeth
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: On being a wife
