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Sarah
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 12:35pm | IP Logged
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Lately, and I don't know why, my boys are getting on each others nerves--more than just the usual sibling conflict.
I don't really know what to do about it. It seems to be ALL the time, its turning more mean, its ruining the peace and flow of the family, and its driving me NUTS!
I need a plan. The next time it starts to unfold, which should be in about 20 minutes here or so. I need some fresh ideas of what to do. How can I foster more love?
It has really snowballed over the last few weeks here, possibly coinciding with less to do (out of school). However, its not acceptable. Period.
Another part of the problem is that the two oldest are very different and it doesn't work to play something where they are against each other like chess, soccer, etc. Because the oldest always wins and I think the next oldest frankly just gets sick of it (and gets frustrated).
How do you handle sibling problems when tempers flair and it could get physical? We're at a point now where I need a plan. Any ideas? The two main culprits are almost 10 and nearly 8 (boys  ).
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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amiefriedl
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 2:01pm | IP Logged
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We are facing a somewhat similar challenge here. Four out of 5 of us have hot tempers and a tendency to yell/smarl/fight and be quite unforgiving.
We all as a family did a novena to the Sacred Heart recently for patience and kindness in our family. And we spent many days talking about what it means to be patient and kind to each other and re-discussed it when tempers flared and fights happened.
We also say 3 Hail Marys with our morning prayers for the "increase of virtues in our family - especially patience and kindness", every day. It is certainly helping, but vigilence (in prayer and discussions) is a must.
Of course you may also want to cover the usual physical basics...are they getting to bed on time and getting the rest they need...are they getting regular meals to keep their blood sugar levels steady...adequate exercise...
I also now have a plan taped to my kitchen wall for behavior modification/consequences for easier discipline reference. Make a plan of your own for behavior modifications. It is a relief to have a list posted so the redirection of a tense moment can be handled with less mental fog. Planning is everything.
Here is my posted list:
Alternative Punishment Ideas (iow - alternative to screaming and yelling and getting frustrated)
Chores: (good for a child with a mean/bad attitude or rebelliousness)
• Hand mopping kitchen floor
• Cleaning bathrooms
• Pickup yard
• Clean out van
• Vacuuming
• Dusting
• Cleaning windows
Writing: (good for a bad behavior for a child who is physically tired but rebellious)
• I will not act wild in the house. 10x etc
• I will speak sweetly to mom.
• I will obey my parents.
• I will be sweet to my sister/brother.
• I will talk about nice things. (no potty talk)
Exercise: (good for a child who is feeling wild and restless)
• Push ups
• Sit ups
• Jumping jacks
• Run around yard perimeter 3x.
Other:
• Listerine wash for potty talk or backtalk.
• Other idea:
• Other idea:
Usually, when the peace is disturbed in the house it means my house gets cleaner. I DROP EVERYTHING I'm doing and start "janitor schooling" right away. (I secretly love it!) My son once had to clean each toilet in the house (3 of them) 3 times each. But by the end of nine throne cleanings his attitude was more pliable. My other favorite is hand mopping the kitchen floor. It reminds me of the sailors of old who "swabbed the deck" when they needed redirection. We swab decks around here (whether the floor needs it or not) when tempers flare and our lovely crawling baby benefits from such a clean floor! 
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In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
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marihalojen
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 2:22pm | IP Logged
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Amie! I love your idea!
Even though I have an only, and this is a sibling thread, this is highly applicable. I'm copying to Word to do a bit of tweaking - we will definitely add 'swab the deck' 
Dd has been so sweet for so long this new Tween hormonal thing has my dh and I baffled. I think we will try this before that boarding school attached to the convent with the 12' high walls in the Artic Circle he is desperately looking for and knows is out there!
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~Jennifer
Mother to Mariannna, age 13
The Mari Hal-O-Jen
SSR = Sailing, Snorkling, Reading
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stacykay
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 2:55pm | IP Logged
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Amie,
I am going to follow your ideas, too! I have had my boys scrub a toilet or two, here and there, but my problem is consistancy.  I am working on organizing myself, but I often lose focus.  If I can write it out and post it on fridge, I am hoping it will jog my old memory.
I notice my dss get a little more antsy when there is so much open-ended time on their hands. I am trying to create a schedule that doesn't feel regimented, but gives them a direction. I have seen some improvement in the past three weeks. (very loosely, morning-breakfast, room pickup, and outdoors for walks, play, etc. Noon-lunch, read alouds, and then more outdoor play or crafts if weather isn't cooperative. Evening-dinner, cleanup, outdoors, and baths, read, bed.)
I have noticed that my dss really need physical activity, as in LOTS of physical activity. My 15yo ds can shoot baskets for 4 hours straight. Really.
I like the prayer suggestions, too. I honestly need to make more time for it. 
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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ALmom
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 5:32pm | IP Logged
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I see things developing when there is too much idleness and not enough structure. The break from routine is nice for a time - ... In addition to the neat ideas already posted, we plan to ease back into school early with just a few things. As orders come in, I lay them out and we begin with one or two subjects and then have some time off in nice spring weather.
I will also say another thing that sets mine off, is getting to hot and not getting enough fluids. We're into the 95 degree plus days now and they have too much inside time (opposite of those of you with winter doldrums). We might as well do inside stuff and get a heads up on that and have more PE time during the year when weather is nice - like in Oct.
Janet
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ladybugs
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 7:28pm | IP Logged
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I often have the offended and the offender do something nice for one another....maybe a series of things, too...
Just an idea...
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
My etsy store - all proceeds go to help my fencing daughters!
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stacykay
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| Posted: July 07 2006 at 9:08pm | IP Logged
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ALmom wrote:
I see things developing when there is too much idleness and not enough structure. The break from routine is nice for a time - ... ... we plan to ease back into school early with just a few things. As orders come in, I lay them out and we begin with one or two subjects and then have some time off in nice spring weather.
Janet |
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I am glad you mentioned this. I have seen the same with my boys, but felt a bit guilty about not giving them a carefree summer with no demands.
When do you start the easing in of subjects (ie. what month?)
I have noticed the antsy and irritable behavior starts, for us, in spring. Even getting them out in the snow as much as possible isn't enough. Maybe if I plan to ease into school, too, we could plan to have a couple of weeks off at Easter.
Overall, I guess my boys get along ok, just not as well as I would like. The 18 and 15 yo have, for the most part gotten along, although they did have a major fight a few years back, right in the front yard for all the neighbors to see! It was their first and last fight. As they go down the ranks, the 18 yo gets along ok with all. The 15 yo gets irritated with the 8 and 4 yo's at times. The 11 yo is mostly bothered by the 4 yo. The 8, 4, and 2 yos are ok with all, at least from their perspectives. I guess it is personalities. I would like to think that once they are all grown, they will be close brothers. That is my prayer, at least. With only two much older sisses, raising these boys is a constant adventure in learning for me.
Rambling!.........
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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StephanieA
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| Posted: July 08 2006 at 6:51am | IP Logged
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Consequences can work, but sometimes siblings need some space from each other. I needed some space from one of my siblings growing up too (had 8 siblings). Expecting us to "play nice" 24-7 was unrealistic. We just needed some time away from each other.
The same has happened in my family. Sometimes certain siblings need space from playing with each other SO much. Years ago my kids had no outside activities. We had one car and we lived out of town. So they were with each other all day, everyday. The oldest and third sons would clash at times and I sent them to separate activities. I finally had to disallow very competitive games with the 2nd son until he outgrew the severe need to cream everyone in chess, running, basketball, etc. Now he competes with kids his own age and older in these pursuits, and it leads to a happier home. But as a pre-teen, he couldn't understand that winning wasn't everything He can now play chess with his younger sisters with grace.
There is less of this with school, because there is more structure and less time alone with their creativity. But I think alone with their creativity is important. That said, don't be afraid to require a math lesson or 2 a week and manatory reading time. This isn't a punishment, but a proactive approach to ward off conflicts.
I try to keep them busy before a conflict happens, which I know WILL happen if the 18 year old is here too much without a lawn to mow or schoolwork to do (ie. on the summer weekends). Sometimes too the one who is the target...(my 6 year old girl - between the 11, 8 and 3 year old) needs some Mom-time. I separate her and take time to do something special with her. Sometimes those middle guys get left out and some one-on-one time is really what they need.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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ALmom
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| Posted: July 08 2006 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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You asked how we ease into things - well right now I have been receiving my history book orders. These are all around and dc are picking them up and reading them - no real assignments yet, there. I have one child finishing up a math. I ask them to spend a short amount of time on this (no more than an hour - for the high school- much less for any younger ones). Now I usually don't ask my younger dc to finish up work that didn't get done the previous year - but when I have a child that has consistently avoided something and really not put forth effort and we discern it as a bad habit developing and not a mismatch of curriculum - it does become a summer task).
In about a month, we'll begin our official school year - Aug. 14 or so. Before that date,(say Aug. 1 or so) I may start on one subject - maybe the one involving a new way of doing things so we can kind of get into the groove while I'm not impossibly divided between tasks. This is also the time that we really insist on at least beginning the "routine" or schedule (my sis who keeps a regular schedule all year round is really better but we just aren't there yet), work out quirks in any new chore assignments, etc.) Then I like to plan at least a week off before Christmas and we take the week between Christmas and New Year. We also take off Holy Week and some time after Easter. We take off on any Holy Days. Then I have no fret about taking a day to have a playdate with another homeschooling family (in our area, the dc friends tend to live 45 min. - 1 hour away and this means that we basically don't get a lot of work done on days we get together). So looking at my attendance records over the years, you'll see that during August we get a few days in per week of recordable "school", then by the end of August we are doing 5 days. This holds up for a while until into Advent where we begin to see occassional days off. By spring we are a bit sporadic at times - then get back into 5 days per week and aim to be done by early May when it is becoming increasingly difficult to do anything but play outside. We normally pick up after noticing all the holes and the choice of working all the way through May or getting done in early May - and boy do we all work to wrap things up, review what really has to be done, what we've learned well enough etc. and any dc who have been slackers find the day of reckoning coming as I will not bend much on those dc while those that worked hard each and every day, find me being generous in dispensing from certain assignments). Of course we adjust during the year so that things that truely don't work for a child are changed,etc. so I'm not holding a child to endlessly schoolish stuff but I am holding them accountable for having made an effort in the core subject areas. Not all of my dc have the same recorded days - so I may work with one while some of the others play with the 3 yo outside and then switch on a different day.
I will say, I'm glad someone mentioned being crowded together without any space. I think that is why summers with all the indoor time can get hard on my boys. I also noticed that it helped for one of my sons to have a place to retreat to when he needed to just be left alone. I'm not generally for having your own room - but it has been a real blessing for this particular child for this very reason. During the school year, I guess because of our crazy mode of doing things, I have different boys rotating in and out of school at different times so there is some built in play time that involves differing siblings but not always everyone at the same time - though of course this happens too. They generally get along well despite differnt personalities and some real male competition between the 2 oldest boys. But boredom makes some of mine into real teases (and of course we try to address this while providing constructive things to do - if not cleaning, school, etc., it can also be some house maintenance chores that dad needs help with like yard work, cutting firewood, caulking, painting (not advisable when 3 yo is around, we learned from experience here ). My dh has even assigned the boys the job of making me bookshelves.
Janet
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