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Becky Parker
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| Posted: June 12 2015 at 1:52pm | IP Logged
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I recently found out, after having a biopsy, that "A-typical abnormal" cells were discovered. Because of the risk of cancer my doctor is recommending a hysterectomy. Not only that, but she is searching for the first gynecological oncologist who has an opening so it can be done as soon as possible. This, and the news that they might have to take out lymph nodes has me very frightened, but I feel more sad than anything.
I know hysterectomies are not uncommon. I just feel so sad to know that there will be absolutely no chance of ever having another child. I turn 51 in a week, so it's not like conception is likely anyway, but I'm wrestling with such negative feelings, knowing it wont even be possible.
I could use prayers and maybe some advice on how to get over this sadness.
I keep typing and deleting now so I guess I'll stop with that.
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Becky
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SallyT
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Praying for you, Becky, especially that you will be cancer-free, but also for the emotional fallout. I think I would feel sad, too. I went through menopause at 44 (after having had a baby at 39), and it was the hardest emotional thing I've ever been through, and the hardest to recover from. Still in that process. So I hear you. And I think your feeling of grief is completely understandable and normal.
No real advice, except to take care of yourself in every way. Get enough rest. Eat enough, and eat healthily Take your vitamins. Take a walk to relieve stress and anxiety. TALK -- to your husband, a trusted friend, whoever will listen. If the sadness persists, talk to a counselor. Just having someone to bounce your feelings off so that you can process them and not be overwhelmed by them can be immensely helpful.
Grief at this stage is real. It's like the death of a part of your life -- the part of your life that makes you feel most alive and powerful, the part of life that's defined you for a long time. Of course we always know that stage won't last forever, but that doesn't make the end of it any less painful, especially when it happens early or abruptly (and with an additional scare). There is life on the other side -- good life. But it's not wrong to mourn what's been so much a part of you.
Again, I'll offer the rest of my day for you, and send you a cyber hug.
Sally
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: June 12 2015 at 2:51pm | IP Logged
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Thank you Sally. You said what I was trying to express but couldn't find the words!
I'm so blessed to be able to come here and know that there are ladies who understand!
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
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SeaStar
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| Posted: June 12 2015 at 2:53pm | IP Logged
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Becky- 
Totally get this!
Be sad! Mourn! We will mourn with you.
Know you are loved, and we want you healthy.
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MarilynW
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Dear Becky,
I totally get how you feel. My baby just turned 6 and a couple of years ago it became apparent that we were probably not going to have any more children. I went through real sadness and emptiness - and did not really want to go to the next stage. I would see women with newborns and I found it really hard to accept that I would never have a newborn again. Even last year my husband and I would say things like "this is the first time we have ever had a 5 year old with no younger child." When talking to people I would talk in the present eg "when I AM expecting I fell like xyz..."
The funny thing is I had really difficult pregnancies - but I missed having the belly.
And then in Mass I would feel sad that I only had 6 kids in the pew -(or 5 when dd is at school)
Now I am more at peace with it all...helped my the fact that this year I have not felt very well, and life has been easier without tiny babies.
Many hugs to you and prayers for your health.
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Marilyn
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stefoodie
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Sending prayers, Becky!!
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stef
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3ringcircus
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Praying for you as you go through this time. it does sound abrupt and scary.
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Christine
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Pilgrim
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Praying for you, I totally get the grief, as well as the scariness of it all. I will definitely feel those feelings when I know the chances of no more babies are over, even though, like Marilyn I have incredibly difficult pregnancies. Like Sally said, it's a part of our life that has defined us for a very long time, and it's hard to know that's not where you'll be anymore, and to redefine the new stage of life and go on to be okay with it.
We have to allow ourselves to go through the stages of grief. Many hugs for you Becky, as well as , of course, prayers. Praying for your health, too!
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Kathryn
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I don't think you're making a big deal. Praying for you.
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Kathryn in TX
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| Posted: June 13 2015 at 8:31pm | IP Logged
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Not at all, Becky, that is all really hard stuff. I had my hysterectomy five years ago...and while it was from really awful endometriosis, ( I was in a tremendous amount of pain) I was only 43....and the thought of it all being “over” so quickly was hard. I love, love, love babies! And even with really hard pregnancies and medically fragile babies, I mourned so much over it all. Like everyone else has said, we need you healthy!!! I know God will give you great Graces to move through this....and heal the grief as well. Be very gentle on yourself....and pack loose clothes for post op time!  I’m praying for you!!!
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MaryM
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Becky, praying for you.
SallyT wrote:
| Grief at this stage is real. It's like the death of a part of your life -- the part of your life that makes you feel most alive and powerful, the part of life that's defined you for a long time. |
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Very wise and true. It is natural and healthy to grieve the passing of this time stage.
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stacykay
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Becky,
I have nothing to help, wisdom-wise, but am so glad I checked in on 4real, saw this, and can be praying for you!!!  
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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St. Ann
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4 years ago I had the same procedure done. I was 48. It was the right thing to do, but it was not an easy thing to do.
Only then did I fully realize that my babies' first nest was such a priceless treasure.
After the surgery the doctor gave me some happy hormones or something??? I was very perky/carefree. I am thankful for it. It was good for the transition. I still have my ovaries.
I will keep you in my prayers. Let us know when you will have the surgery.
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Becky Parker
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Thank you so much for your prayers and comforting words. I've really been wrestling with this and spent some time talking with a wonderful priest who prayed with me and did the Anointing of the Sick. I feel so much more at peace about the surgery, although I still find the whole giving up of my uterus difficult. This is a good summary about some of what I am feeling:
St. Ann wrote:
Only then did I fully realize that my babies' first nest was such a priceless treasure.
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The beautiful role of being a co-creator with God is something that has always been very precious to me. When I told certain family members about the surgery and their response was something like "Lucky! I would love to be rid of my uterus! No more periods!" I was hurt. I know they just don't think the same way and they were probably trying to make me feel better but I was just feeling alone. The Holy Spirit is helping me to see I am not alone and there are many ladies who understand. This gives me new compassion for those who have been through it. Hope fully I will be able to help someone else some time!
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Becky
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JodieLyn
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Becky, grief doesn't respond to other people telling you the bright side. BUT I have found that it helps me to both give myself time to grieve (weep into my pillow grieve) AND find good things about my situation even if it's something like.. well at least it happened now and not earlier in my life. For myself I need to look on the bright side. But not in place of grieving.. in addition to. So I think it may be important to let yourself do both. I mean sometimes it can feel like we're not really grieving if we allow moments of happiness or joy and that's not true. We can truly grieve and still have those moments. And I've found that many things dealing with my reproductive life have both, usually at the same time.
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cathhomeschool
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Becky, You have my prayers!
I think that what you are going through is completely normal and I wouldn't rush the process. It is scary and sad all at the same time.
I had a hysterectomy 2 1/2 years ago and it was such a struggle. As my doctor was going to put me under, I was *still* debating with Him and God over whether or not it was the best thing to do.  I had two large ovarian cysts that were growing instead of responding to treatment, many fibroids, was anemic to the point of heart problems and had been close to hospitalization several times, had been fighting medical intervention for 6 years, and was in pain. Even though it was unlikely that we'd be able to have children again (for other reasons), I still hesitated. In hindsight I see that the surgery was for the best. My health had suffered so much more than I realized or was willing to admit. I can now take care of the children and husband that God has given me. I am grateful for that. I am still sad sometimes that I cannot have more children of my own. I always wanted a large family and LOVE children and babies. But I AM at peace, I trust God's timing, and I serve Him in other ways (like watching my niece  ). God made marriage for more than just bearing children, and He made you for more than just raising babies. As Catholic homeschooling mothers I think we especially identify with that "stage" of our vocation. But that vocation continues after the Littles are grown. His plan encompasses your whole life and you don't yet know how the timing of this is perfect according to that plan. Grieve and trust. It took time and a LOT of struggle for me to get to the point of acceptance. Be easy on yourself.
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This is such wonderful advise from some of the loveliest ladies I know...keep us updated, ok Becky?
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stellamaris
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Becky, I have been praying for you. It is hard to come to terms with such a major change in life, whether it is because of a necessary surgery or because of simple aging. I don't think you are over-reacting at all, and I do think it is good to acknowledge this sadness and grief and not discount it. Experiencing and working through grief such as this is an important part of life, I believe. I will keep you in my prayers. Let us know when you are going to have the surgery, if you are willing to share, so that we can be praying for you then as well.
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guitarnan
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Becky, I don't have a lot of wisdom to share other than my sure knowledge that the prayers of the ladies here will help see you through this difficult time in your life.
However, I've faced down the loss of my own fertility in a completely different way and I want to encourage you not only to read the words written here on these boards by women far wiser and stronger than I, but also to cling to your husband during this very worrisome time and share your concerns with him. He won't be able to relate to your grief over the loss of your uterus, but the loss of fertility and capability to conceive will make sense to him. He will be going through his own grieving process and you can comfort each other. It's not just about your physical recovery, although that is very important. You are walking a new path together, and, although sorrow and shadows will be part of that experience, sunshine will, too.
Praying for you and your husband, and for your medical team.
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Becky Parker
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Just coming back to thank you all, once again for your prayers and words of encouragement. The date for my surgery has been set for July 22. It will be a complete hysterectomy and they'll be removing the lymph nodes at the same time. I'm at peace when I trust Our Lord and rest in His care. When I forget to do that I start worrying so this event is certainly keeping me on my knees! I am going to a Women of Grace Healing Conference this weekend, so I'm certainly looking forward to that!
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Becky
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Topic: Feeling sad...Am I making a big deal?
