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Aagot
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| Posted: March 02 2013 at 9:01pm | IP Logged
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Have any of you tried and survived the interstate job commute. Wife and kids stay in one state while husband works the week out of state and then flys home. Maybe every other weekend.
Seems crazy to me but dh sees no other way
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 02 2013 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
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We have done this before (it is called "geo-baching" in the Navy) and it is doable but stressful.
If you have choices (we did not), it is important to take the following into account when deciding whether this approach is good for your family:
Cost. How much will you spend on travel, phone calls, paying professionals to do what your husband would do if he were around all the time, babysitters, extra lodging costs, etc.?
Family dynamics. What emotional support does your husband contribute to your family every day? (Hugs, homeschool stuff, leadership, etc.) How will he do this from a distance, or how will you rework your shared responsibilities?
Children's needs. Do you have a child (or more than one) who will truly suffer if your husband is away for two weeks, home for two days and away again? Is he or she old enough to understand why changes must happen? (It is okay if the answer is negative, but you must expect behavioral changes from younger children - and sometimes older ones - when Dad is away.)
Your relationship. Do you have a bit of private space in your home, so that when you reconnect in person, you can discuss important issues and just be together?
Honestly, every family is different. Some families can weather this arrangement. Others can't. Some can for a short while but not for several years.
Military families do this all the time, and in my experience, open, honest communication between you and your husband is the most important key to success. You need to be able to send info, vent and support each other over a distance.
Also - and please bear in mind that this is a general statement, not a comment on your family or your relationship with your husband! - if something is "almost broken" in a family dynamic, making this change to interstate commuting will probably break it for real. If this situation is inevitable for you, do try to work out problem issues before the separation begins.
I do know exactly how you feel!
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Mimip
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 9:19am | IP Logged
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Aagot,
One of my closest friends does this exact thing. Her husband works in New York during the week and then flies down to us every weekend. We were talking about this the last time we had our Mommy's Night out and she was talking about how hard it has gotten over time.
They started doing this almost 4 years ago and the job situation has never changed enough for him to be able to find something down here closer. They are close to family down here and when they moved they thought that family would help out much more. But as usually happens over time, the help has wained and she was left mostly alone.
All of that being said, they are pretty well off and she has full time help. They have 6 children ages 14 to 2 and she has a housekeeper/babysitter that works everyday, Monday -Friday different hours. So for example on Tuesdays she comes in at noon and stays until 8 pm so that Mom can shuttle big kids around and such. She only cleans the home on Thursdays and helps with childcare and cooks the other days. On the days that Mom has night things (parent meetings or our Mommy nights) She comes in much later and stays until late.
All of that is to say this, it is VERY hard without some help. She has a ton of help and still finds it difficult for the interpersonal reasons that Nancy stated above. She very rarely goes out with her husband alone because the kids need him too.
I'll pray you decide what will be the perfect fit for your family.
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In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
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JennGM
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 9:31am | IP Logged
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I will be praying for you! I really think Nancy's advice is really good, especially looking at your current relationship.
Dh and I just attended a little marriage conference on Saturday, and Dr. Paul Vitz was talking about the importance of Fathers just being present, especially for sons. He had all sorts of statistics that back this, that just being around for your children makes all the difference in the world.
So I'm looking at your question with that in the forefront of my mind. Even if he's not playing a huge contributing role in any of daily lives, just the way he shows respect to the mother, shows how to be a man, gives that time to play with the boys is just so valuable, I'd be afraid to give it up unless it was absolutely necessary.
Plus, having dh around for me is a break and companionship. I can deal with it for short periods, but it's hard to be "on" all the time without the other spouse.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Aagot
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 10:59am | IP Logged
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Thank you all for the advice. Good things to think about! I hope it won't happen but we will see.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
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Ours was a positive experience. Hard at times, but overall a positive one. The positives for us were that we knew it had an end(2years), the kids were young(newborn and 5 years-and we only had 2 kids), I lived in an awesome neighborhood and had great, supportive friends who provided food when needed, picked up milk, did lawn cutting and snow removal as needed, and took my kids occasionally when i looked to be at the end of my rope  , my parents were fairly close(3hours), and the airport situation allowed a lot of flexibility(3 to choose from), and work paid all "commuting" costs and lodging while he was away.
We pretty much set up our weekdays to get chores and schoolwork done, which was easy at those ages  , and the every other weekend dh was home when he was in the US was PLAYTIME!! We made the most of those times and really cherished our time together. Dh brought NO work home. When he was overseas he only came home once a month, but we survived by e-mailing a lot, and about every other day phone calls. Now, it would be awesome with Skype!!
It was a great career sacrifice, a good move.
We occasionally look back and wish we could do that again-have the family focus, put the kids in bed and have "us" time, and just have fun. It seems now, he brings work home, we never have time as family, we really have to work hard at finding couple time, etc. I know a lot of it had to do with the ages of the kids but it was a simpler time since we pretty much worked on the goal of getting through the 2 years and making the best of it and all the other "stuff" we didn't care about.
If the kids were older we might have gone with him to various places, but I wasn't comfortable going to a different country with a few week old infant. If this job is a permanent thing maybe you all could go spend weekends there and get psyched about moving? and weekdays work towards getting the house ready to sell and all? And when it all falls into place you are practically moving "home."?
Best of luck in your endeavors.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 12:49pm | IP Logged
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It is hard. And without an end or a break, it wears on you. I think the longest I've done something like that is 2 yrs.. but even then half that time dh was home in the evenings during the week.. but the other times he'd be gone about 2 weeks and then home for a bit and then gone for 2 weeks etc.. though I think in that time frame he had one or two months he was gone without any trips home.
It's doable.. and the kids do adjust but the adjustment is HARD.. and you have the squirelly anticiaption before he gets home and the difficult transition when he leaves.. so it also takes away more days than you'd think.. like if you're thinking well we'll plan not to do anything for those days he's home and get things done on the other days.. well the day he's expected is hard to keep anyone on task and no one wants to do anything on the day after he leaves.. and while it moderates after a time it never goes completely away.
For us we know that we get time home together 24/7 as a family in the winter and that makes a huge difference in both living with the seperation during fire season and recovering from it. And of course we deal with a random schedule not a set schedule.
Be ready to shift any birthdays or holidays to the days when he is home.. my kids are very flexible about that but I grew up learning to be very flexible but some people really have a difficult time if the specific day is not the one that the celebration happens on.
If you're involved in sports and such.. he won't be there to help practise, he won't be there to watch during the week.. things like that. You can do a lot to mitigate the issue.. pictures and lots of phone conversations and mom filling in.. but it's another thing that mom has to do.
On the flip side the kids are often pleased with simpler meals and don't mind repetition.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
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Yes, it's hard to deal with kids' activities because you are the only one who can get them there. And if something happens to you or to a younger child who can't stay home alone, your plan B can't include your husband, because he won't be there to help. We have only two children (and only one at home now), but my carpooling arrangements boggle the mind. (My husband is home these days, but travels 1-2 weeks every month, sometimes unpredictably. I have everything set up as if he weren't here, so I'm sure I can handle it.)
Your own doctors' appointments will also be a problem; many practices won't let you bring kids in with you or leave them in the lobby. This can lead to neglect of your own medical care (guess how I know!).
I'm not trying to scare you or talk you out of this career move, but it will impact every aspect of your daily life, and it's much easier to make the best choices for your family if you understand all of the details and ramifications in advance.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 1:59pm | IP Logged
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oh and be sure you can handle small repairs.. things like plunging the toilet and such.. and know that if it's beyond you, it may not wait until he gets home again. (speaking of myself here.. I can do a lot of things but.. thought I do have a friend who tends to do all that stuff and if it's beyond her, it's beyond her dh too.)
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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lapazfarm
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 3:16pm | IP Logged
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And trust me, despite all of your best laid plans, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong when dh is away, including, but not limited to: water pump not running, frozen pipes, toilet inexplicably and irreparably clogged, car window broken, heater not working, leaks in odd places... I could go on. But these are just my experiences.  Yours may vary. 
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: March 04 2013 at 3:47pm | IP Logged
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Oh yeah, forgot about the geyser in my basement while dh was in China? My dad drove up and we took shifts wet vac-ing the basement, I was up every few hours nursing a baby so no biggie. Right! Builder came and redid the drainage around the foundation. Thank goodness it was a newer house.
But yes, there were a few plumber calls, and the hurricane when the siding and gutters were ripped off the house and we were without power for a few days-but I am a camper so made do fairly well. You do need to be prepared for that stuff. Good point, Theresa and Jodie.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Big job commute
