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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 4:05pm | IP Logged
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I was lead to a blog from reading the post of simplifying and decluttering and as I was looking at the blog I came to a post on handling differences between husband and wife and this topic really hit home. This is a huge struggle in our home. I am a very independent, do as I want, always get my way type of person. In fact dh pretty much encourages it and rarely complains about it. So, I am so confused when I hear
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ~Eph.5:22-24
I don't know how to do this or do I know if I even could. I do know that I am completely burnt out from decision making. My head just spins and I struggle so much with each decision and I have asked dh for help in making the decisions for our family. He struggles with it. I don't know from lack of decision making or just his personality. We walked into church on Sunday and I stopped and waited for him to lead us into a pew. He stopped and looked at me and I said I will follow you. He walked in and stopped and asked me where I wanted to sit.  I thought I just asked him to find a seat and here I am having to make another decision! Did I mention this happens every Sunday. A few times where he has made a decision for us and asked me to follow have been bad decisions and usually cost us more money. They have always been on money. Dh's faith is also lacking. This is one reason I fill like I have to make the decision because I have prayed over it and I know he hasn't. I'm afraid of the decisions he would make.
I want dh to take charge, but I don't know how to do that. If I had this conversation with him, he would be very hurt and would say I am wrong. He is sensitive and has a negative first reaction.
What do I need to do to fix this problem in our home?
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
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First of all, realize that submiting doesn't mean being a doormat and doing nothing. You'd "submit" to a boss in the workplace and that boss would trust you to do your job. If part of "your job" in the household is making some decisions than you are submiting to YOUR dh by doing those things. So this can look different in every single marriage.  Don't get too locked into the definition of submitting to your dh as meaning you must be non-assertive at all times.
When someone is used to you making all the minor (or major) decisions, it will take some time for them to get used to you not making the decision. It can help to give a limited choice.. "well it looks like there's room there or over there".
It always helps me to realize that it's my husband who is going to be ultimately responsible for the decisions in our family. It only makes sense if he has the responsibility that he has the chance to make that decision. Now it certainly doesn't mean that I don't give my opinion and/or help provide critical information for making that decision. But I did have to learn to curtail my own tendency to want to bulldoze through decisions just because I wanted it done with. My dh needs time to get the information and process it.. and then maybe talk about it.. and then more time and then he's willing to make a decision. Yes, this is like a 2 week process so doesn't make sense for little decisions like where to sit in Church. Though perhaps coming up with a game plan.. I prefer to sit on the right side near the front.. if not there then right side middle then left side front etc. And sometimes my dh doesn't like either of what I see as options for a decision.. and funny enough once I stop seeing it as a polarized decision there is often a middle way. So I also had to learn to take no answer as an answer unless it was a very clear cut answer.. sometimes it's easier to just not answer until you arrive at the default.. They have to know yes or no if we'll be at the party by Monday.. if you don't say Yes then we'll assume it's no. If we get to Monday then the default answer is No and maybe that's just his way of softening an answer he doesn't want to have to say.
Also, Why don't you pray for your DH's decision? Do you think because you are the one praying about it that he won't benefit? You need to have confidence in your DH. Whether you have to pretend at first or not. But the more you have confidence in his decisions the more readily he will make decisions. When his decisions are doubted or when wrong decisions are all that are remembered.. well, that would make anyone less willing to make the decision. Remember there's sayings out there like "good decisions come from experience. experience comes from making bad decisions" for a reason. Believe in the person even when the decision may not work out as good as you hope.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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pumpkinmom
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 5:05pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Jodie! So true!
I don't know why I strive for perfection. So far from it and that isn't really what I want. Yet, I seem to expect it from everyone else.
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Cassie
Homeschooling my little patch of Ds-14 and Ds-10
Tending the Pumpkin Patch
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Sept 25 2012 at 9:22am | IP Logged
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Submission! Wow, that's a hard one! 
I've got a husband who supports me 100% in everything I do. He's my #1 cheerleader. So I've found it hard for me to know when I should just take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and when to step back and do the leading.
I still struggle with being submissive on a day to day basis. And on the surface, because I'm the more outgoing one, and hubby's the quiet one, people may not see that submission going on -- as Jodie said, it's different from marriage to marriage. What may work for me may not work for you, and vice versa.
Some things that have helped me:
1. Learning to shut up. Very difficult for an opinionated person like me. But I've prayed for the Lord to help me curb my tongue and more and more through the years as I've practiced it I find it's more easier now to pause and ask myself, is this something I can let go? Is this going to matter in the long term if I just shut up and let him have his way? If it's something I absolutely have to say something about -- do I have to say it now, or is there a better time to talk about this (e.g., not in front of the kids?) or maybe, is there a gentler way for me to handle this so that I'm still respecting my husband's headship?
2. Give him opportunities to lead. Be more vocal about it. For instance, more and more as our children have grown, our boys especially, I've learned to postpone decisions until hubby is home to tackle things. This accomplishes two things: a) gives all parties time to mull things over and pray over and not come to hasty decisions, b) firmly establishes hubby, over time and with each situation, as head of household and take the focus off of me as primary decision maker. So these days my usual response is, "Wait until Dad gets home then we can talk about it." "I can't really make that decision until Dad hears all this." "Dad has the final say on that." "Whatever Dad says." "If Dad's okay with it, I'm okay with it."
3. Ask his advice on the littlest things. As I'm the foodie hubby usually asks me where to go on our dates. It takes all my power to say, "Surprise me."  Or, I'll give him a choice, do you want to go Italian, Chinese, Japanese? and then I pick. Or, I'll give him a list of the restaurants I'd like to try, and he'll do the picking.
4. Focus on his "specialty" and make sure you ask advice when dealing with those. If you do it in front of the children, even better. (Great example for the girls to learn how to be submissive to their future spouse or to God's calling, great example for the boys to learn how to lead their future spouse and children). E.g., my hubby is really good with managing people, so when I encounter difficulties that our pro-life group is having, I ask him how he would handle things.
5. Make him shine while helping him to deal with weaknesses. When hubby has a clear weakness in an area, e.g., talking to the boys about TOB matters, etc. I provide him with an overview of what I know, and then a couple of articles that could point him in the right direction, so he is armed. He can then enter a situation with more confidence and knowledge -- his ability to lead then increases, and our children's view of him as authority is improved as well.
6. More than anything, pray, pray, pray. Ask the children to pray for Dad as well.
Hope this helps!
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stef
mom to five
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Decision making in the home
