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Chris V
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I spent the afternoon with a dear friend yesterday who is having some marital problems. Though our conversations didn't necessarily focus on her personal turmoil, we did talk about it. In the midst of our (sometimes) light-hearted conversation she asked me how I knew my husband loved me. Phrased "Beyond actually saying the words, how do you know that he loves you?" In the 15 years that my husband and I have been married, I don't think that I've ever thought about this. I've just always known that he loves me. Being asked this didn't actually make me think about how he shows *me* that he loves me, but rather how do I show *him* that I love him? ... a healthy dose of self-examination.
As in the current state of her marriage, we both realized (and already knew this) that it is often the littlest of things that turn out to be the biggest of things. As with her broken marriage - it was the littlest of things that turned out to be the biggest of things - one little crumble of dirt from the earthen dam, as it began, before the entire dam failed.
Just wondering aloud - how do you show your husband that you love him?
(... and those little things done out of true love for your spouse, without motive.)
eta: and by motive, what I mean is an ulterior motive - not doing something for him with the expectation that he will reciprocate. But truly doing it sincerely because you only want to please him, to make him happy.
__________________
Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11) 
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margarita
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Great topic.
I only want to say that I fail to love my husband on a daily basis. The one thing he would really like from me, which I consistently choose not to prioritize, is simple physical attention. Just a back rub at the end of the day would make a world of difference to him. I only do this sort of thing if he specifically asks, and then it's sometimes begrudgingly.
Of course I have many excuses, including, "I'm tired at the end of the day," and "I'm not a touchy-feely person."
I wish he would be more verbal with me; he wishes I would be more physical with him. If only I would do my part first, I know he would respond better with what I need/want.
ETA: Yes, of course, I mean that I should do this without motive! I should just offer him the physical love he wants, whether or not he reciprocates with verbal attention. I know that! And I want to represent Christ to him, always thinking of his salvation (he's atheist) and his ultimate good, and how Christ gave unselfishly for us. The idea that my husband might then also be more attentive to me was just an afterthought, thinking overall that our marriage would benefit from that as well.
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Married young and happy, chasing after a variety!
Two now in school: G-16, B-14
Two at home: G - 6.5, B - 2.5
One arriving February 2013
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JodieLyn
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Hmmm cook things he likes, make sure he has stuff for lunches and try and keep coffee and beer on hand for him (he's the only one that drinks those so I have to make extra effort to know when to get more).
Sometimes I stop and just watch him.
Work to set aside money for things he needs/is important to him.
Now that I have built in babysitters, I ask him to go with me if I need to run an errand. And I invite him out for a milkshake and fries (if he doesn't ask me). Try and find time in the evening to just sit together. In this weather sitting outside can be very nice. We don't even have to wait for everyone to quiet down to have some quiet that way.
I try and tell (as in speak outloud) things that support him, appreciate him, love him.. luckily I'm almost compulsive about telling him I love him when he leaves the house.. well that and "be safe", what can I say, it's always in the back of my mind that it could be the last time (he's a firefighter) But some of the other things I should say to him and I think, are just really hard to put into words to say. I want to get better at that but it's a struggle.
I do try and keep up on stuff but he loves me even when I fail at that  so I keep on trying and sometimes I manage to have things nice for him and sometimes I don't.
Touch, this is one area that is easy for me because I'm one that craves touch too so it's pretty rare for me to feel "touched out" even with lots of little people wanting me all day. Though funny enough I've struggled with it when we've used NFP for spacing and I was always afraid that I would be saying more was forthcoming when it wasn't.
margarita wrote:
| The one thing he would really like from me, which I consistently choose not to prioritize, is simple physical attention. |
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I wanted to give some hints that I've found with touch being a very important aspect of our marriage. Touch doesn't have to involve a lot of effort. A backrub is wonderful. But touch can be a hand on a shoulder or arm when you're standing close, holding hands when walking, scrunching that extra bit closer when you're sitting so that your bodies are touching instead of almost touching. A hand brushing against him when you walk past. The playful kiss on the cheek or neck. Leaning into him when you're sitting or standing close. And contrary to my fears above, the more we make touching a habit the less it's only saying "there's more coming in private" so that we can keep the closeness we feel even during periods of abstinance without feeling like "a tease". And you'll be surprised how those little touches do add up. Think of it like putting a coin in a bank.. the litle touches might only be a penny or nickel here and there while the backrub might be a dollar.. but think how much easier those little things are to do so that they can add up pretty fast. 
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Michaela
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margarita wrote:
| I only want to say that I fail to love my husband on a daily basis. |
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Beautiful. It's difficult for me to relate to someone who thinks they have it all together.
I like the simple, humble truth in the words you wrote.
I fail as well.
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Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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Chris V wrote:
we both realized (and already knew this) that it is often the littlest of things that turn out to be the biggest of things. As with her broken marriage - it was the littlest of things that turned out to be the biggest of things - one little crumble of dirt from the earthen dam, as it began, before the entire dam failed.
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I came across this little article on Pinterest, and I thought it articulated what you expressed very well as well as offering a list of ways to combat it.
Quote:
Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:
Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head. |
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Pretty basic, and yet, somehow we can always use a refresher on the basics, especially when life gets particularly busy or stressful.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JennGM
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 9:17am | IP Logged
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I was working on some things over the weekend, and two hymns and a quote reminded me of this thread. It is so easy to slide into this -- I'm so guilty. What I have to remember is to think of God and others first, put me last. True charity, true love. But, wow, so easy to write and sooooooooooo hard to practice.
I know it's not written by St. Francis, but it does embody what he lived. The Prayer of St. Francis hymn really struck me this weekend:
Prayer of St. Francis wrote:
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.
Verse 2:
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness only light,
And where there's sadness ever joy.
Refrain:
Oh Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console.
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Verse 3:
Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life. |
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On the Feast of the Holy Family the beautiful letter to the Colossians is read.
Colossians 3:12-21 wrote:
| Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teach and admonish one another in all wisdom, and sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. |
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A nice summary and reminder for me. And the hymn that we used to sing, especially when charity didn't reign, was Where Charity and Love Prevail.
Where Charity and Love Prevail wrote:
1. Where charity and love prevail,
there God is ever found;
Brought here together by Christ’s love,
by love are we thus bound.
2. With grateful joy and holy fear
His charity we learn’
Let us with heart and mind and soul,
now love Him in return.
3. Forgive we now each other’s faults
as we our faults confess;
And let us love each other well
in Christian holiness
4. Let strife among us be unknown,
let all contention cease;
Be His the glory that we seek,
be ours His holy peace.
5. Let us recall that in our midst
dwell’s God’s begotten Son;
As members of His body joined,
we are in Him made one.
6. No race nor creed can love exclude,
if honored be God’s name;
Our family embraces all
whose Father is the same. |
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Ubi Caritas is the Latin one, but the words don't give the reminder as much to the littles.
Anyway, I know you were looking for practical. I have to remind myself that my husband can have and feel just as bad as I am, and I should allow room for his touchiness and not take it personally. I also have to remember to think on how I would like to be treated -- and then do the extra thought for him. I make dinner almost every night, but he can tell when I do it only out of obligation or do it with love.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Willa
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 11:04am | IP Logged
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margarita wrote:
| I only want to say that I fail to love my husband on a daily basis. |
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Yep, me too, and for some of the exact same reasons!
That being said, though I know it's the little things that disproportionately show chinks in the marriage, I think a broken marriage is caused by big things.
Mainly, aside from disruptions like infidelity and addiction and mental illness, I think one of the partners has to cease to be committed to making it work no matter what. When that has happened, the marriage flounders.
It reminds me of how we fall away from God. Though we may show symptoms of laxness, the first thing that happens is a loss of commitment to live for God every moment of every day. .... and then, when we realize that, a failure to return immediately. Then it starts snowballing.
I think for me the takeaway message is not to back off and give up connecting when times are tough. If I realize I have done this, time to recommit to my marriage and my spouse, and usually that is a matter of small things, maybe not even that noticeable.
As far as practical things, I try to:
--Slow down when he wants to talk, instead of thinking about all I have on my to-do list.
--Pay more attention to my faults than to his.
--Avoid getting into those little polite wars that CS Lewis talks about in Screwtape Letters, where the words are fine but the attitude is snippy or passive-aggressive. Break the cycle!
--Remember to bring him into what's going on with me, rather than expecting him to know intuitively .
--Express (and feel) gratitude when he does something to please me or help the family, even if it isn't exactly what I would have chosen.
--If I know there is something he really likes or doesn't like, I TRY to make sure that it happens or doesn't happen. I am so scatterbrained and interior-focused that even with the best intentions I mess this up often, but I believe it makes a huge difference even to try. When I was younger and more harassed by babies and various duties, I used to not even try, because I felt like he was the only other adult in the house and should be able to care for himself. But thinking that way did damage to my attitude towards him!
-- Remember that in a sense I am bringing up my kids for him (and of course primarily for God) not just for myself. This is hard to explain so it makes sense, but as a homeschooling mom sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking our kids are in a way MY project. Moms are so naturally gifted in regard to raising their kids and it is easy to get completely absorbed in their responsibility. I have to make sure I don't either marginalize my husband, or bring him in as my little servant, getting him to do things MY way. Difficult balance to steer, and often fail at it, but something I'm aware of as being a potential issue.
-- Pray to invoke those sacramental graces. The second Luminous Mystery is a great occasion for those marital prayers.
I see I have simply rephrased a lot of what Lindsay quoted. Great minds or something! 
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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JennGM
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 11:09am | IP Logged
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Great lists, Lindsay and Willa.
Willa wrote:
| --Pay more attention to my faults than to his. |
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I find this is so key. Most of the time when I am so bugged by his faults that he's dealing with some major faults of mine that are way more annoying.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to & ds1 '03 & ds2 '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Chris V
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 4:38pm | IP Logged
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JennGM wrote:
I was working on some things over the weekend, and two hymns and a quote reminded me of this thread. It is so easy to slide into this -- I'm so guilty. What I have to remember is to think of God and others first, put me last. True charity, true love. But, wow, so easy to write and sooooooooooo hard to practice.
I know it's not written by St. Francis, but it does embody what he lived. The Prayer of St. Francis hymn really struck me this weekend:
Prayer of St. Francis wrote:
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord,
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.
Verse 2:
Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness only light,
And where there's sadness ever joy.
Refrain:
Oh Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console.
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love with all my soul.
Verse 3:
Make me a channel of your peace.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
In giving of ourselves that we receive,
And in dying that we're born to eternal life. |
|
|
On the Feast of the Holy Family the beautiful letter to the Colossians is read.
Colossians 3:12-21 wrote:
| Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teach and admonish one another in all wisdom, and sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. |
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|
A nice summary and reminder for me. And the hymn that we used to sing, especially when charity didn't reign, was Where Charity and Love Prevail.
Where Charity and Love Prevail wrote:
1. Where charity and love prevail,
there God is ever found;
Brought here together by Christ’s love,
by love are we thus bound.
2. With grateful joy and holy fear
His charity we learn’
Let us with heart and mind and soul,
now love Him in return.
3. Forgive we now each other’s faults
as we our faults confess;
And let us love each other well
in Christian holiness
4. Let strife among us be unknown,
let all contention cease;
Be His the glory that we seek,
be ours His holy peace.
5. Let us recall that in our midst
dwell’s God’s begotten Son;
As members of His body joined,
we are in Him made one.
6. No race nor creed can love exclude,
if honored be God’s name;
Our family embraces all
whose Father is the same. |
|
|
Ubi Caritas is the Latin one, but the words don't give the reminder as much to the littles.
Anyway, I know you were looking for practical. I have to remind myself that my husband can have and feel just as bad as I am, and I should allow room for his touchiness and not take it personally. I also have to remember to think on how I would like to be treated -- and then do the extra thought for him. I make dinner almost every night, but he can tell when I do it only out of obligation or do it with love.
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This is just lovely, Jenn - thank you for sharing the prayer, the reading, and the hymn. This is actually what is in my heart when I reflect on how I show my husband that I love him. And really, when I posted this I wasn't necessarily looking to read about the tangible ways in which we show our spouses how much we love them - what's more important is what's in your heart. Little things can be done, but if it's not in your heart, it's as though you didn't do them at all.
It's so easy to focus on ourselves and fail to recognize the frustrations, annoyances, and sensitivities that our husband's feel - instead only concerning ourselves with our own ...
__________________
Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11)
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Chris V
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Joined: Dec 03 2009
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 4:41pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
I came across this little article on Pinterest, and I thought it articulated what you expressed very well as well as offering a list of ways to combat it.
Quote:
Here are six ways we can start building up our husbands today:
Listen to what he has to say so that you will recognize what's on his heart.
Make an effort to be as cheerful as you were when you were engaged to be married.
Ignore his faults and focus on his strong points by taking note of them.
Compliment him for the way that he looks and the good things that he does like working hard for the family.
See him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
Be slow to anger. Relay your frustration with love, respect, and a cool head. |
|
|
Pretty basic, and yet, somehow we can always use a refresher on the basics, especially when life gets particularly busy or stressful.
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I love this list. I haven't read the article yet, but bookmarked it for later.
... ignore his faults and focus on his strong points... this one is so important.
__________________
Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11)
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Chris V
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 03 2009
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1598
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| Posted: Sept 11 2012 at 5:06pm | IP Logged
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Willa wrote:
margarita wrote:
| I only want to say that I fail to love my husband on a daily basis. |
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|
Yep, me too, and for some of the exact same reasons!
That being said, though I know it's the little things that disproportionately show chinks in the marriage, I think a broken marriage is caused by big things.
Mainly, aside from disruptions like infidelity and addiction and mental illness, I think one of the partners has to cease to be committed to making it work no matter what. When that has happened, the marriage flounders. |
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|
I think this is really wise, Willa. Though it is the little things that often cause the most friction in a relationship, there is always a bigger reason behind it. A failure to communicate your needs with your spouse. A failure to listen effectively to what your spouse is saying. An insensitivity to your spouse and their feelings. A lack of recognition in your spouse's needs - which in turn could be because the other failed to communicate their needs ... yes. Little things backed by big things.
Willa wrote:
It reminds me of how we fall away from God. Though we may show symptoms of laxness, the first thing that happens is a loss of commitment to live for God every moment of every day. .... and then, when we realize that, a failure to return immediately. Then it starts snowballing.
I think for me the takeaway message is not to back off and give up connecting when times are tough. If I realize I have done this, time to recommit to my marriage and my spouse, and usually that is a matter of small things, maybe not even that noticeable.
As far as practical things, I try to:
--Slow down when he wants to talk, instead of thinking about all I have on my to-do list.
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This hits it home, for so many of us ----->
Willa wrote:
--Pay more attention to my faults than to his.
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Absolutely.
Willa wrote:
--Avoid getting into those little polite wars that CS Lewis talks about in Screwtape Letters, where the words are fine but the attitude is snippy or passive-aggressive. Break the cycle!
--Remember to bring him into what's going on with me, rather than expecting him to know intuitively .
--Express (and feel) gratitude when he does something to please me or help the family, even if it isn't exactly what I would have chosen.
--If I know there is something he really likes or doesn't like, I TRY to make sure that it happens or doesn't happen. I am so scatterbrained and interior-focused that even with the best intentions I mess this up often, but I believe it makes a huge difference even to try. When I was younger and more harassed by babies and various duties, I used to not even try, because I felt like he was the only other adult in the house and should be able to care for himself. But thinking that way did damage to my attitude towards him!
-- Remember that in a sense I am bringing up my kids for him (and of course primarily for God) not just for myself. This is hard to explain so it makes sense, but as a homeschooling mom sometimes I fall into the trap of thinking our kids are in a way MY project. Moms are so naturally gifted in regard to raising their kids and it is easy to get completely absorbed in their responsibility. I have to make sure I don't either marginalize my husband, or bring him in as my little servant, getting him to do things MY way. Difficult balance to steer, and often fail at it, but something I'm aware of as being a potential issue.
-- Pray to invoke those sacramental graces. The second Luminous Mystery is a great occasion for those marital prayers.
I see I have simply rephrased a lot of what Lindsay quoted. Great minds or something!
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So, so good Willa. Everything you say here resonates with me ...Thank you for sharing.
I wish my friend was a member of this board and could read along with us as we share a bit of our personal lives for the benefit of the sacred relationship we have with our husbands. Maybe you could all take just one minute of your time to say a prayer for her marriage? It isn't over just yet, the paperwork has been filed with the courts, her husband failed to show up for the mandatory discussion date with the judge, so now it is entirely up to her. All she has to do is tell her lawyer "do it", and it's done - she does not need consent from her husband to end the marriage (because he didn't show up for the court date - not because he is absent minded, but because he's fighting to keep her and didn't realize what skipping the date would mean...). He has told her that you never give up. Never stop trying. Now, it's all up to her and she doesn't know yet what she's going to do. She says her children cry themselves to sleep every night over their separation. 
I think it's so healthy to continually take a look at your marriage and seek ways to improve your relationship, even if you don't think it needs improving - it could always be improved, and often by examining ourselves.
__________________
Chris
Happy Wife with my Happy Life
Mama to My Five Girls ('04~'07~'09~'11~'11)
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Servant2theKing
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Praying, praying, praying for your friend's marriage Chris, for your own marriage (Happy Belated Anniversary! ), and for ALL marriages! I recently read of the tragic consequences in one marriage where one spouse stopped loving, stopped giving altogether. It made me realize just how vital prayer is in keeping marriages knit together. We ought to pray for our own spouse, our own marriage, and for ALL married couples, regularly!
Years ago I ran across the simple words "Love begets love", a quote from St. Teresa of Jesus, in the book Divine Intimacy. Those simple, yet deeply profound words, reflect the essence of ALL love, particularly marital love! True love, sacrificial love, truly does beget love! May God bless all married couples, especially those who have lost their way!
"Love begets love!"
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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jawgee
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Chris V wrote:
| Maybe you could all take just one minute of your time to say a prayer for her marriage? It isn't over just yet, the paperwork has been filed with the courts, her husband failed to show up for the mandatory discussion date with the judge, so now it is entirely up to her. All she has to do is tell her lawyer "do it", and it's done - she does not need consent from her husband to end the marriage (because he didn't show up for the court date - not because he is absent minded, but because he's fighting to keep her and didn't realize what skipping the date would mean...). He has told her that you never give up. Never stop trying. Now, it's all up to her and she doesn't know yet what she's going to do. She says her children cry themselves to sleep every night over their separation. |
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I will pray for her and her family. I know the pain all too well.
I was in my 20s when my parents separated (and eventually divorced) and I remember the pain. My youngest brother was only 5 at the time and the pain almost devoured him.
__________________
Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Loving him
