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Amanda
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 4:03pm | IP Logged
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Hi,
I wasn't sure where to post this, as I'm not sure whether I'm venting, asking for prayers, looking for advice, or what!
Our very close friends just separated, and will probably divorce. This is the couple who are the emergency contacts for our kids, the two boys are bffs with my boys, the oldest is my mother's helper, etc.
The wife, my closest local friend, is initiating this--and admits that she is not interested in even trying to save the marriage. She saw an old "friend," and suddenly realized she'd been unhappy for the last five years.
I've read a number of articles online that say it's normal for me to feel upset about this--but being secular articles, they also go on to say that friends shouldn't butt in, shouldn't assume they won't also end up divorced, etc. While I do not have the hubris to assume my marriage will always be hunky-dory, we are not part of the same culture as our friends (who are not Christian, let alone Catholic), or the writers of the articles.
I feel so angry at my friend. I feel I can't trust her to be loyal if she'd discard her vows so cavalierly. I feel I can't trust her to be honest if she would be unfaithful (if only verbally/emotionally) to her husband.
Am I crazy? Should I tell her I feel that way? I can't help hoping that something will make her at least take a second look at her marriage, and realize that she should consider the promises she made in the past.
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mom to ds '97, dd '03, ds '07, and dd 1/11
St. Margaret Clitherow Homeschool
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jawgee
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 5:01pm | IP Logged
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Oh, Amanda, I've seen this happen so many times. It's heartbreaking.
Is your friend Catholic? I'm sure the husband is devastated - would he consider reading The Love Dare?
I have no advice, just lots of sympathetic tears. Marriage is under attack. There can be no doubt about that.
Offering prayers for that couple tonight.
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Monica
C (12/2001), N (11/2005), M (5/2008), J (8/2009) and three angels
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Kathryn
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 5:17pm | IP Logged
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Absolutely not! I don't think enough people consider the ramifications of a divorce and how it truly affects sooo many people in their lives. I think your feelings are exact and spot-on.
Amanda wrote:
Should I tell her I feel that way? I can't help hoping that something will make her at least take a second look at her marriage, and realize that she should consider the promises she made in the past. |
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I really don't think telling her how you feel will help. I've learned that you really have to meet her where SHE is, not where YOU are. I'm not sure how to do that exactly but that might help shift your thinking a little when you do have on-going conversations with her in the coming days and weeks. And I don't mean meet her where she's at in an accepting, everything will be ok place I mean in an understanding, how can you help her get back on track from where she is. I think that's what is so hard.
So very hard...hugs and prayers for you and everyone involved.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 6:08pm | IP Logged
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I think you should do something even though it may be hard. I like what Kathryn said about not accepting but meeting her where she is.
I think the marriage of a couple close to us was saved because another friend went to great lengths and expense (due to travel) to 'intervene' in a loving way. It was much like the situation with your friend involving another 'friend' from the past. It was very hard for this friend, but her motive was love. She was very honest, though, about the effects of such a decision. I think couples in this situation have a very difficult time seeing beyond the two of them forgetting the damaging effects of separation/divorce on family and friends. I experienced this first-hand with my own parents not long ago and it is painful to watch it unfold.
How difficult! God bless you for caring.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Christine
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 9:05pm | IP Logged
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My parents once saved a marriage. They took the couple to dinner and spoke with them.
Elizabeth's recent article might give you some food for thought.
I know a Catholic homeschooling mother who recently divorced her husband. He is praying that she will come back. She is the mother of some my children's friends. One of her sons talks to my eldest son about his mother, expressing his disapproval of what she has done. My son in turn makes negative comments about his friend's mom. I am trying to remind him to pray for her. The ripples of divorce definitely do affect both family and friends. I especially feel for the couple's children.
I will remember your friends in my prayers when I pray for this family that I know.
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Christine
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 9:21pm | IP Logged
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So sorry to hear this. Can't really think of anything more selfish for someone to do. I am a child of divorce myself, and as I once read in a book, the saying is true..."the day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended." I say, what do you have to lose? If you are a true friend, and she was about to cut her own arm off..which in this case, she is doing by basically bringing about the death of a family, then I say the loving thing to do is to confront her about her selfishness. The sad thing is, the "friend" probably won't work out, and in the end...the new "friends" will just get uglier and fatter and she will wonder what the heck she was thinking while her kids try to pick up the pieces from her decision. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I would address it in a loving, completely shocked way and tell her that you love her and that you are wondering if she is thinking about it clearly and is prepared to face the consequences of this decision. No man is worth what she is about to do. Prayers for strength of you to say something and for the husband in the situation and your friend too. Very difficult for you I am sure. So sorry for the suffering you are going through.
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
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cheesehead mom
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 9:22pm | IP Logged
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Put their name on this site--asking Blesseds Luigia and maria's intercession.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 10:11pm | IP Logged
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I will add my prayers...I have seen fervent prayer work miracles many times in my lifetime. The Good Lord does listen and He answers prayer.
I really don't have any advice to share; when our friends have divorced, it's been far away from where we live, so I have never had the opportunity to think about an intervention.
Still, my patron saint (Anne) and her husband (Joachim), generally considered to be important patron saints for parents and married couples, celebrate their feast day in just a couple of days. I hope other members will join me in asking Sts. Anne and Joachim to intercede for this couple and to beg Our Lord to change hearts and minds.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Servant2theKing
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Praying for everyone involved, especially the children. How very, very sad. 
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 24 2012 at 11:43pm | IP Logged
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If you do decide to talk to her.. part of meeting her where she is.. likely should be about.. yeah the shine has worn off and love is work.. and yeah it's hard.. but that's the way with silver.. you either have to put in the work to shine it up or you have to keep tossing it out and buying new.. never staying with one person once that shine wears off.
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-Sir Walter Scott
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Amanda
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| Posted: July 25 2012 at 7:22am | IP Logged
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Oh, you ladies are making me tear up in a *good* way with all your support and ideas for prayers!
I think I am going to talk to her (or write to her--can't decide) and say: If someone had asked me to describe you before, I would have said that you were the epitome of loyalty, honesty, and caring. You're not being yourself. I do want you to be happy, but I don't think you'll be happy if you're not true to yourself--and that means really working to find out if you can be happy within your marriage before you start looking to leave it.
Whew. It's all true.
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St. Margaret Clitherow Homeschool
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Marcia
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Amanda,
I feel so sorry for you! This happened a couple of years ago to me. I had invested a lot of time in a friendship and then just as they seemed to be embracing more of the Catholic faith---a divorce happens. I was pretty vocal about how important it was to stay together and work it out, but that really created a rift between us. As outsiders, we never really know what happens in a marriage, but it does take THREE---both partners and God to make it last. I am sure God never stops working...So it takes both of the partners putting effort into making the marriage last.
I'm sending up extra prayers today for you and your children. It's hard on our whole society when a couple divorces. The ripples are emotionally exhausting for those on the edge of the pond--that would be you and your kids. :)
Blessings.
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Marcia
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stacykay
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| Posted: July 25 2012 at 7:52am | IP Logged
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I am so sorry to hear this, Amanda!
Dh and I went through this, 9 years ago. I got a call one evening from the husband, who was crying, and he told me that his wife had left him. They had three children and are Godparents to one of our sons.
I felt just sick after his phone call. We love them both so much. A few days later, we hopped into the car and traveled to their new home (they had moved four years prior, and we'd never made it out to see them before this.)
We spent a few days at their house, talking with the husband, and then the wife came to visit, and we talked with her. All we did was show support for them, and let them know that we loved them. We didn't go into any details of their problems, we were just there. And we prayed a TON!
They were separated about six months, which was very long and painful, but they reunited and are doing great. I will pray for your friends' marriage, and that they don't rush into divorce. And I'm praying for their very innocent children, who must be shell-shocked and feeling mighty betrayed themselves.
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: July 26 2012 at 11:45pm | IP Logged
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I'm so very sorry and will pray for them.
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: July 27 2012 at 7:54am | IP Logged
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Also, if you speak to her, perhaps try to gently get her to see that perhaps the arrival of this old "friend" made her feel flattered or gave her attention that she possibly didn't even know she needed. She doesn't know anything about how he is now, people change, and if he is going to flatter a married woman, then he is probably a flirt and a womanizer anyway. Best to go with the faithful, tried and true and stick with her husband; even if he as faults, which we all do, why risk it all! Prayers continuing...
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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Amanda
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| Posted: July 31 2012 at 7:35pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all so much for your help and prayers. I did speak to my friend, and I think she "heard" me.
I am not optimistic about their chances, but at least my friend knows where I stand, and in our future conversations, I will be able to gently reinforce what I've said.
I also want to reach out to her husband and let him know we're here for him.
Other than that, I'm praying, praying, praying!
Thanks again!
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mom to ds '97, dd '03, ds '07, and dd 1/11
St. Margaret Clitherow Homeschool
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Topic: Friends divorcing
