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mamaslearning
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 1:21pm | IP Logged
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The truth is excruciatingly painful. Have you ever experienced this? It is painful to breakthrough your version of life, the one that lives in your head, and truly accept and acknowledge the truth about how you live your life. I kept ignoring those thoughts of, "but that's not the real me. I'm not really like that, but I'm allowing myself to act this way or that because I'm too tired, I'm too hormonal, I'm too whatever." It's hard to explain, so here's an example:
I am a punctual person. It is very important to me to be on time since I feel that it shows respect for the other person's time. In the past couple of years I've allowed myself to become complacent in this area and am now typically running late for appointments. I tell myself that I'm not really a late person, I'm just dealing with so much stress right now that it's okay. But, the unfortunate part is that by outward appearances I am not a punctual person. Even though I still think I am in my head, my actions produce a new reality. People don't know what I'm thinking, so all they can do is base their experience of me on my actions.
Does any of that make sense?
Well, having been confronted with the truth, it's like I have new eyes. I can clearly see that I was living in a fog these past few years. I was enveloped in behaviors and actions that were contrary to my values and the life I wanted to live. I wallowed in the muck thinking I wouldn't get dirty, but boy, did I get filthy!!  I was hurtful and mean, judgmental, obsessive, and a host of other not-so-nice terms. The whole time I didn't see this, but instead hid behind my depression, anxiety, panic, OCD, and other post-partum induced problems. I thought I was coping, but I was drowning and didn't see it until someone had the courage to put their foot down.
So, if you're still with me  , what do I do now? I've called my doc for an appointment to seek treatment. I have apologized to the hurt party(ies). I am still extremely hurt by the words of others, but realize the truth in them, so how do I heal the pain?
I'm excited by this new found peace in my soul, but fearful I will slip back into old thoughts, habits and actions.
Thanks for listening. 
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 2:53pm | IP Logged
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I'm still here  .
You are heading in the right direction, dear. God loves you not because of your lack of perfection, but because of His! Relax in the fact that He loves you because you are His. It is a wonderful privilege to have veils lifted...painful, painful, privilege. Just be with it. Now.
As long as you have one person who loves you, knows you, knows about mental health struggles, and wants the salvation of your soul, let that person/s hold you accountable. Hopefully this person/s will be gentle in all the right ways and tough in all the right places. Let God help you through them. You are not alone.
And know that I'm praying for you  .
Now go and do something sweet for yourself. And stay in touch!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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3ringcircus
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 3:12pm | IP Logged
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I am continually surprised by how different DH's & my versions of "the truth" are. It takes a long time and a lot of pain for me to realize when I've been wrong, and his version is more the actual truth.
What an amazing person you are for making the decision to accept the confrontation, learn from it, and move forward. I hope those around you are gentle with you while you try to make positive changes, and help provide the structure you will need to stay on your right path.
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Christine
Mom to my circus of boys: G-1/06, D-1/04, S-4/10
Started HS in Fall'12
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WithAllMyHeart
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 3:16pm | IP Logged
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I'm not sure I really understand what happened, but it sounds like you've hit a rock bottom of some sort and have turned over a new leaf. So while I'm sorry it's been painful for you- I applaud your willingness to recognize fault in yourself and make a change. That can be very, very hard to do.
My first thought is to make sure you make a good, thorough confession (you may have already done that, I don't know...). And I think an appointment to talk to your priest for some guidance on how to move forward is the next step.
I'm not a big fan of medical treatment of depression/anxiety/OCD. I have been diagnosed and "treated" for all of those in the past, and I think in some ways what they did with medication and (secular) counseling actually delayed any true healing taking place. I can't speak to panic or post-partum, though- and I can't say authoritatively that medical treatment *never* helps. I think that for some people with serious psychological issues, it is probably necessary. I just know that for me, things didn't get better because I wasn't dealing with the roots of my problems- I was just trying to eliminate the "symptoms" (probably more accurately described as "consequences"...).
I guess what I'm trying to say is that the best thing to do is to trust in God above all else. (Please note that I'm not saying *not* to trust your doctor- just that you shouldn't put *all* your trust in your doctor. There are some things doctors can't fix.) Ask for forgiveness, and forgive those who have hurt you. Ask for God's grace to help you do that. Receive the Eucharist to fortify you in your resolve to turn things around so that you can serve the Lord with the best of yourself- and to keep you from slipping back into old habits. Ask St. Dymphna for her intercession.
One of our priests offered this "slogan" repeatedly in a recent homily, and it has really stuck with me: Suffering is Salvific. The point being that God uses suffering to draw us closer to Him. Be grateful to the person who "put their foot down"- for even though it hurt you, it sounds like God is using them as a tool in your healing.
And one more thing- don't be so hard on yourself! We all have a tendency to "wallow in the muck" (as you so aptly put it). If we didn't, we wouldn't need the great gift of salvation. Don't dwell on your faults and deeds of the past. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, take hold of God's outstretched hand and move forward! I'll be praying for you...
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-Jennifer
SAHM to a 3 yr old boy and a 1 yr old girl (hoping for more).
Looking for friends who live nearby!
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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WithAllMyHeart wrote:
And one more thing- don't be so hard on yourself! We all have a tendency to "wallow in the muck" (as you so aptly put it). If we didn't, we wouldn't need the great gift of salvation. Don't dwell on your faults and deeds of the past. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, take hold of God's outstretched hand and move forward! I'll be praying for you...
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Amen!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 4:03pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for the hugs and prayers. Confession - yes, I need to make an appointment with Father to be cleansed from these mistakes. I have been avoiding Mass for various reasons, specifically because I was so ashamed of my behavior (once I saw it for what it truly was). But, surprisingly I am over the dwelling stage and ready to tackle the hard work of healing. I still hurt, painfully, but I know that I need to move forward and stop swimming in this stew of self-pity and regret. It's a very freeing feeling and I'm in awe that I have been gifted with this "peace that surpasses understanding" even in the midst of such difficult circumstances. It's other worldly, IMHO! I still hurt, I'm still sick to my stomach with emotional pain, but there is a certain peace that says it will be okay. I'm clingy to that hope and resting in the midst of the storm.
As for medical treatment, I should've mentioned that my doc is a psychologist (no drugs involved). I had seen my MD off and on over the past couple of years, but we both agreed that medication was not what helping (I tried and had severe reactions), so I tried to just "get over it all" by myself thinking time will heal and hormones will adjust. I did not want to have to go to a therapist since I thought everything was under control. Now I see that I need some guidance as I grapple with all the tangled up strings of my life.
I'm just so thankful that my soul was open to God's touch even when my mind was closed.
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: June 15 2012 at 4:07pm | IP Logged
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WithAllMyHeart wrote:
Ask St. Dymphna for her intercession.
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Last year I came across a St. Dymphna prayer card and medal at a homeschool gathering. Someone had brought numerous free items and this was among the prayer cards. I had never heard of her before and just picked it up and put it in my bag. I stumbled across it again earlier this year and was surprised that she was the Patroness of Mental Health. Seems like I was being guided to her and I now carry her card and medal with me so I can recite that prayer at Mass.
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stellamaris
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| Posted: June 16 2012 at 3:33pm | IP Logged
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My prayers are with you! May the Holy Spirit give you strength, healing, courage, and insight as you move toward wholeness.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
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Barbara C.
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| Posted: June 16 2012 at 8:42pm | IP Logged
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I would also add that if the "injured parties" include a spouse that he may also need to seek some private counseling, and you might want to consider some marriage counseling.
A lot of people with mental issues don't realize the mental toll that it takes on the people around them (much like the families of addicts). Others may need healing of a different sort, so that they are able to forgive your behavior, learn healthy coping strategies (like setting boundaries) when are having issues with self-control, and be able to fully reconcile to move forward.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Help with Healing
